my nosey mother - again.

[andnowthewait]

shes bloody done it again.

She said she might pop round yesterday afternoon to get something out of my garage ( for which she has a key so i dont need to be here to let her in) i told her that i might not be in and to help herself.

I was in, but literally on way out of the door, she came running up just as i was getting in my car.

She got all huffy with me because i was going out and wanted to know where i was gong. Just out, was, apparently not good enough.

I told her i had to go, else would be late, but to help herself. I tried to call her last night and she not picking up the phone to me and is ignoring me. PATHETIC.

worst still was friday i had a friend over. brother was storing some stuff in my garage and had to come get it out friday. couldnt come any other time. Oh shit thought i, as person visiting is new boyfriend type person.
So, i asked brother what time he was coming and how long he expected to be. I then got totally interogated by both him and my mother about what i was up to and that, as i wasnt telling them i have something to hide.

I had to tell my brother, that yes, a man was coming round, but not to be an idiot about it. Hes 23.
Friday night came, man managed to get in without being seen. BUT just as brother went he was knocking on the door, calling up. So i had to answer ( stuck my dishelved head out of the bedroom window. it was obvious what i was doing) while basically my brother embarassed me.

I do not get why my family are like this to me. Its not acceptable.

She isn't talking to you? RESULT!!!

Now you have to find some way to offend your brother so he leaves you alone as well. How about telling him he can't use your garage any more?

well - i supose its a result. except its pathetic and will end up in me having to say sorry for daring to go out on an afternoon when i have a little bit of childfree time.
and of course, not giving my mother full information about my plans.

AND i had to deal with them running my last boyfriend into the ground and taking the piss out of him. Which is really unfair especially as they never met him.
I told them it was not nice to do that, and offended me, but they just laughed and carried on.

I know, I was being flippant but it must drive you crazy.

Frankly I wouldn't apologise because you have nothing to apologise for. You have a perfect right to go where you want to, and yes, to have a man in your own bedroom if you want to as well (unless it's your mum's boyfriend, in which case she might fairly claim to have an interest). It's not illegal in this country. They, on the other hand, do not have any kind of right to know about your doings at all. Yes, families do talk to each other, but only because they want to and sometimes for practical reasons need to. This is just intrusive and there is no justification for it. Haven't they even got lives of their own?

Feeling quite cross on your behalf now.

. This sounds really horrible for you and very intrusvie.

Unfortunately it seems to me like the only reason they are doing this is because they know that they can push the boundaries with you. Because even though you huff and get annoyed, you will eventually give in to them. You allow your brother to use your garage and let your mum have a key to it also?

The trouble is either you let them intrude into your life forever or you take some measures to stop them. Like banning them from the house unless previously invited, allowing one phonecall per day unless it is an emergency and so on.

I know its really really tough but try to see them as toddlers who just need to get the message accross. For example I think you said in your previous post that if you don't answer your phone your mother will come round?

Well I would suggest answer it, talk to her and tell her 'this is the information I am prepared to give you about what i'm up to right now, I love you, but you are becoming intrusive to me'. Then end the call as nicely as you can. Unplug your phone, get yourself a new mobile for your friends and dates and whoever to contact you that she doesnt have the number too and turn your other mobile off.

When she turns up at your door open it and say she is being intrusive and you are not prepared to talk to her until the next allocated phone call.

If she turns up again or doesn't go away, ignore her. Like putting the kids to bed on supernanny..the first tme you say bed, the second time nothing and so on and so on until they get the message.

Eventually if you stick to the boundaries they WILL get the message. It will take a lot of hard work though.

Just a suggestion and it sounds quite extreme but desperate times and all......

it does drive me crazy. its driven me crazy for about a year now. it wasnt so bad when i was married i dont think.

But since sortof getting my life and a social life back its just been awful.

So - they knew i had plans on friday and mum was like, are you going out, where are you going, are you going to the pub at the end of your road, if you dont tell me i might decide to pop round friday, i do have a key you know. Of course they find it really funny. I dont tell them anything, but it just continues, over and over. But its not done in jest ( if it was id be fine about it) but we have fallen out many many times about me not telling her what im up to.

Do you know how temped i was to tell them on friday that a man was coming over and i was expecting to be shagging him the instant he walked thought the door. Maybe that would have shut them up. Or maybe yesterday, when i went out, i shouldnt have said, im going out. I should have said ' mother, im going for a shag'.

its not like i do things like this the whole time, i keep it totally out of the way of my child. I dont see what the problem is or why i have to report my everymove.
They dont to me.

yes - my brother has used my garage for 18 months. while constantly having a go at me about the state of my garage. MUm has a spare key, yet i dont have a key to hers. she insisted when i moved here that she have one.

The thing is, you don't "have" to report it. They expect you to. But you don't have to do what they expect. They seem to be taking advantage of the fact that you're the only member of the family with any manners.

Elmtree's suggestions for training them are good!

Your mother will continue to do this because she has no idea of boundaries. You need to set firm boundaries with this woman and even then she may not want to accept these.

Think you should read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Do not call her; by doing so you are trying to seek her approval again. The longer you seek such approval from her the worse it will be for you. She is not the mother you want her to be.

Establish clear boundaries with her; so what that she does not talk to you for a bit. You do not need such people in your life honestly.

Your mother also needs to hand back the spare garage key. She had not right to demand such a thing of you in the first place. She did this to keep an eye on you.

i should read that - i just cant see it ever changing. ive tried everything and nothing works.

I only called her to see if she had got the stuff ok. i did not know she was not talking to me.

We have literally battled about this for over a year. almost constanly. Too bloody right i dont have to tell them anything, i dont live with them. im a grown adult in my own home and deserve to be treated like one. Its totally unacceptable. They just dont seem to get it.

and what they dont seem to realise is, the more they behave like this, the less im going to tell them. If they were fine about things, id tell them more and be more open about stuff. because of they way they are i have to deliberatly not say things.

Do you know what works? the word NO.

It's a good word. It's short, and to the point. If used assertively (rather than aggressively) it's a powerful tool. It's not easy if you're not conditioned to it, but it can become quite addictive God, I wish I'd learned to use it about 40 years ago, it's so easy to be kick-ass in hindsight!

They don't get it because they don't want to get it. If they acknowledged your right to your own space then they'd have to let go their stranglehold. This isn't loving you, like normal families do, it's smothering you.

but i do say no.

Thats what i dont understand. I say no. I tell them its unaceptable. I tell them i dont have to tell them.

Ive held out for weeks of not talking to my mother over this. But nothing changes.

Ive not told her anything about my personal life since last november when i got the third degree over something. But nothing about her behaviour has got any better.

It just continues. Its exhausting. And friday was such a farce. With my brother, i mean its my house and he behaved terribly, its lucky the man saw the funny side of it, but really. it could have just ruined everything.

Ive not seen spoken to brother since, but im really pissed off at him.

OK... then you will just have to kill them.

good plan

thats why i get so exhasperated. beacuse iam trying to set boundaires. But its just not working.

Ive done everything i should have done and they know nothing of what i get up to now, but that just seems to increase their desire to a) wind me up about it
b) ask me constant questions which i refuse to answer
c) hold things over my head until i do answer.

i dont answer. i dont tell them. But it just so exhausting to still be dealing with since nov when i stopped telling them stuff and said no.

and now im not being spoken to again about it.

Can you get your keys back, or change your locks? It's not really helping, is it, if your family can have access to your house whenever they feel like it?

It may make you feel better to know that you have a physical retreat where they can't access you if you don't want them to?

Change the lock to the garage.

Call your brother up. Tell him the garage storage is no longer working out for you and it is a big inconvenience. Tell him he has 48 hours to get his shit out of your garage or else you will take it to the tip.

Call your mum. Tell her you are sick of the intrusion. Tell her you have a new lock on the garage and she will not be having a key.

Tell them both that you are sick of them constantly wanting to know every detail of your life. It has to stop now.

As soon as either of them start on at you. Just say really calmly, "I am not discussing that with you." Just repeat that until they get the message. Do not engage with them.

Agree you need to change the locks. And don't apologise.

If its easier, just say that the key broke off in the lock and that's why you had to change it.

i dont even care that they have keys. Its not that that bothers me. What does, is the constant intrusion.

Mum is going away saturday. Ill wait till shes gone then will go and speak to brother. Im just going to tell him that he was out of order. ive given him the garage for 18 months, he still has stuff in there and that he was taking the piss and i will not stand for it.

Mum - well she can continue to not speak to me for a while really. I called her last night, its up to her to call me back. Im not going to keep calling. If she wants to be stupid its her business.

On your last thread I suggested it was anxiety disorder, but now I've read this I don't think so anymore. Your mother and brother seem to think it's their right to control you and your life.

It won't change unless you're prepared to stand your ground-really stand your ground, even if it means they will be angry with you. You've had lots of suggestions on both threads but, if I may say so without being unkind, you tend to say you've tried it, it hasn't worked or otherwise find reasons not to make any changes.

Things won't get better until your attitude and reaction to your mother and brother changes. Free your mind, and your ass will follow ((c) Funkadelic).

but thats because i have tried it.

I really have. i dont think you understand.
And it hasnt worked.
If anything its now worse that it used to be.

Short of not talking to them at all ( which i dont want to do, life is too short) i just dont know.

But why not tell your brother that he can't use the garage any more, because of what he did to you? Why not take the key back from your mother, because of how she behaved? Then they both start to learn that doing things you don't like will have adverse consequences, fair or not. You don't have to be fair or kind to people who aren't fair or kind to you.

See, the thing about the key is not that you mind them keeping stuff in your garage, but the right it gives them to intrude on your territory. That's why ousting your brother's stuff to an agreed deadline is a necessary act of self-preservation (and the reason I don't let XH keep anything in my totally empty garage!)

You believe you have tried everything but your mother still has you trying to call her, ready to apologise so she will stop this blanking business. You're right, it's absolutely pathetic and childish; but up till now it's worked. She goes all offended, you have to crawl on your belly over broken glass so she will talk to you again and...what? Keep interrogating you, insisting you're at the end of the phone or she'll be round like a dose of salts, suspecting you of all sorts of, er, perfectly normal behaviours . Would it hurt to let her stew until she's ready to contact you? It would be interesting to see how long she can keep it up.

Again, you're behaving like a rational human being, recognising that life is too short to ignore your relatives, but you're in a game, whether you realise it or not, with people who don't play by grown-up rules. You don't want to be childish and pathetic. But you see, they do.

yes - i see your point. I wasnt calling her to appolgise though. i was just calling to see if she had got the stuff ( actually things i was lending her) ok.

I wont appolgise - i have done nothing wrong. Yet again ive done nothing wrong.

the suspecting me of all sorts - yes. thats very true. and its all perfectly normal behaviour.

My brother said last week, when i was getting interogated that i needed to grow up, that all my going out ( one night, every other weekend) is silly and pathetic for a woman of 32 and that i need to realise my responsibilities ( child is with their father at this time) That i should find someone older and sensible and settle down and that having a social life ( including seeing friends) is just stupid at my age and that im naieve to think otherwise. Hes 23 and lives at home.....

im not going to call her and im not going to appolgise. But im telling you it will make no difference. The next time i dont answer the phone or am out or whatever, the same thing will happen.

I am also going to say that to my brother. He was really out of order.

I'm sorry but you are your own worst enemy here. You are letting these people play you like a bloody violin.

Why does your mother have a key to your garage or any part of your house? Why does your younger brother feel he has the right to question you?

Even if you were the totally untrustwrthy incompent idiot they seem to think you are, they still would have no right to do this.

It is a GOOD thing that you mother has the hump and isn't talking to you. You DON'T have to apologise. SHE does. If you don't ring her she will ring you eventually. When she does tell her it was rather refreshing having the peace and quiet and no third dgree every ten minutes and you'd rather keep it like that from now on. Its up to her if she can live with that arrangment.

Ring your boorther up and give him the third degree about his sex life. See how he likes it.

STOP letting these people walk all over you. DO NOT apologise when you haven't done anything wrong.

Otherwise you have no one to blame but yourself.