my nosey mother - again.

[andnowthewait]

shes bloody done it again.

She said she might pop round yesterday afternoon to get something out of my garage ( for which she has a key so i dont need to be here to let her in) i told her that i might not be in and to help herself.

I was in, but literally on way out of the door, she came running up just as i was getting in my car.

She got all huffy with me because i was going out and wanted to know where i was gong. Just out, was, apparently not good enough.

I told her i had to go, else would be late, but to help herself. I tried to call her last night and she not picking up the phone to me and is ignoring me. PATHETIC.

worst still was friday i had a friend over. brother was storing some stuff in my garage and had to come get it out friday. couldnt come any other time. Oh shit thought i, as person visiting is new boyfriend type person.
So, i asked brother what time he was coming and how long he expected to be. I then got totally interogated by both him and my mother about what i was up to and that, as i wasnt telling them i have something to hide.

I had to tell my brother, that yes, a man was coming round, but not to be an idiot about it. Hes 23.
Friday night came, man managed to get in without being seen. BUT just as brother went he was knocking on the door, calling up. So i had to answer ( stuck my dishelved head out of the bedroom window. it was obvious what i was doing) while basically my brother embarassed me.

I do not get why my family are like this to me. Its not acceptable.

"....and she is deeply offended and hurt i was not (in)."

So, how about saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or, if you're really up to it, take out the sorry and just say "It's a shame you feel that way."

I do know how much easier it is for us outsiders to tell you to cut her out and disengage than for you, who's been conditioned for years to jump when she says. She's not going to change overnight, if at all.
But you can change how you let her affect your life.

well, it gets worse. sister got a total ear bashing as well. beacuse she wouldnt agree with mother.
mum called her up, badmouthing me, calling me all sorts of names, saying about ' how i am like' etc... that im not putting my childs best interests at heart by not using her as a babysitter ( child has gone to ex mil, so still family, just not first choice for me as it being ex mil, nothing to do with her care for dd at all)

sister ended up getting totally angry at mum and then mum cried, then hung up on her too.

Ive not spoken to her, sister has text her to say have a good holiday and said i should too. i dont tihnk i should, esp as it now seems that she thinks so highly of me ( from everythign that sister was saying).

so - i shouldnt text right?

I wouldn't text

If you don't text it'll be wrong and she'll get her knickers in a twist again

If you do text, she'll still have her knickers in a knot.

Classic no win situation again, so don't engage with her.

Don't text. Don't contact her.

Keep repeating, "people treat me the way I let them treat me".

Agree-don´t text.

And if your MIL is perfectly capable of looking after your daughter-that´s great!
She´s still a grandmother also-perhaps you should consider using her more!

so - what do i do, just wait till she contacts me then?

than just pretend nothing has happened?

and would it be totally out of order of me to text my brother the following:

Your behaviour last week was appaling. I ahave also since found out that the information you bribed out of me ' ie tell me this or i will embarass you friday ( which you did anyway) you passed straigh onto mum.
I no longer trust you. You have one week to collect the rest of your car parts from my garage and return the key.

Talk to him, do not use text for something like this. Text anyway is non communication.

Would not give him a week, instead advise him that he has 3 days to remove his items.

Wait for your mum to contact you.

Give your brother a date to fetch his stuff-don´t bother to explain why.

Time to stop playing this like a game of chess - shall I wait for her? Shall I ring her? do I pretend nothing has happened etc.

I don't think you can ever get things right in her eyes unless you allow her to totally dominate your life. She believes her own story. You can't change it.

I say just stop contact again. If she rings you then you have a series of responses - I am not answering that, this is not something you need to know etc. Sheis a narcissist - she needs you to feed off. Don't let her.

Re your brother - same really. He is enjoying his power over you, especially to embarrass and threaten you. Again - don't engage. Tell him to get his stuff and if he wants to continue to have a relationship with yo uthen it's on your terms and you will no longer respond to threats.

I don't see much value in maintaining contact with either of them at the moment.

And have a google of narcissist personality disorder.

i did text him - i got a seris of abusive texts back. to each one i just replied ' im not going to argue. you have one week to remove your stuff'
an hour later he has told me he will come and get it in the next few days.

im not giong to call mum. Im sick to the back teeth of it. I do not need the constant stress in my life. I think im just going to not answer her calls for about a month. I need a bit of space from it. When i do speak to her i will have to tell her i have had enough and will cut contact with her if she keeps it up.

i refuse to live my life to this silly degree of pussfooting around, always wondering what ive done wrong and always being in the wrong. I deserve a level of respect, just because im family does not give them the god given right to treat me this way.

Would still think about changing locks in case they don´t give keys back or take copies.

Or maybe you could put a padlock on the garage?

You cut her off once; time to do so again I think. Same with brother as well; these two are incapable of respecting boundaries.

sorry to keep this thread going. but its good for me to be able to get it out and get advice.

I seem to have caused ww3 from the text i sent brother.
He has come and taken half of his stuff without me knowing. Another total invasion of privacy.
Anyway thats not the problem. He called mum whho then called my sister. who is getting the blame for the whole thing as she was the one that had told me. Shes being accused of ruining mums holiday and butting in where she wasnt needed. Sister tried poiting out to mum that it was mum that got her involved but of course that does wash. Apparently i sent my brother a barrage of abusive texts. Which i did not. i sent the one mentioned higher up the thread then to everythign he sent me i just replied ' Im not arguing with you, you have one week to collect your stuff'

My name is mud. Everything is being dragged up and im fruious.

Ive cancelled all family event things i was going to go to for the next month and have made other arragments.

But im just so angry at what is being said about me which is just lies.

what i mean - is the stuff she is saying about me is really nasty.

Things that im a liar and say what people want to hear. And that i exaggerate, and that im shallow as anything. That i use people and am selfish.
Im furious. Why on earth would i want to even think about making admends with someone who clearly thinks so little of me.

And all of this has blown up because i wasnt in when mum expected me to be.

This fact of course has been changed now as well, Mum is saying to anyone that will listen that she had said she would come over, pick up the stuff i was lending her and we could sit and have an ice cream in my garden. I never said that. I was always planning to be out. Had been planned for over a week. I KNOW i said to mum that yes, she could come and get the stuff but it was unlikely i would be in.
Of course, now she is telling everyone else this lie. and im made out to be selfish and am apparently ' dropping the people who help me out in favor of some dick that shows an interest' ( new person im sort of seeing)

So of course, everything they have ever done to help me out is brought up, totally neglecting what i may have done to help them. So, im just a user.

The shallow thing comes from this: My previous boyfriend was, im my eyes, the most beautiful man to walk this earth. I still think he is. I could not believe that he, would be with someone like me. I pretty much spent the whole of our relationship in awe. Anyway - they have taken this as im very shallow and based a whole years relationship on what he looks like ?????!!!! how bloody stupid. The fact that they run him into the ground and constantly took the piss based purley on his looks ( because i never introduced him) is not shallow on their behaf as they are entitled to their own opion. its just that im not entitled to mine.

My brother, well apparently, hes a grown up and can do and say what he likes. But again i cant. He is also entitled to his own private life. This is what mum says. But im not. My sister questioned her on this, and mum just hangs up on her.

So basically ive caused ww3. Im fuming. Im upset and i feel sick.

And now im crying at work. Luckly im on my own this morning.

Well, as long as they're only telling lies between each other, it's unpleasant for you of course but shouldn't have a wider impact on your life. I hope. You and your sister both know what really happened, whilst your mother and brother are wallowing in a version of the truth where they didn't do anything wrong. Because they never do anything wrong. I know a few people like this and I often wonder whether they really do see the world the way they say it, whether they're hoping that if they tell enough people it will become true, or whether they're just manipulative liars who like to stir things up. Bit of a mixture in most cases, probably.

I suppose it's a good thing in a way your brother collected the stuff. Not telling you he was coming for it was a passive-aggressive response, whereby he is not refusing to do what you wanted but is showing his reluctance by doing it in a way you won't like. Personally I wouldn't call him on it, as it only gives him the chance to whine that he can't even do what you've asked without you going off on one.

annie - i know. It just winds me up to have lies told about me. it literally makes my blood boil.
Ill hold my hands up when im wrong and i know my faults. Im more than happy to admitt my own faults. I dont make excuses for them either. noone is perfect. bar my mother and brother of course.
But it literally makes me see red to have my character slandered and lies told about me.

i just keep repeating ' must not engage. must not engage.

Im not going to say anything more to brother. But its just shows the total lack of disrespect doesnt it. that he went into my propertly without even mentioning it. I didnt even know he had been there. My sister told me. I did text him to let me know when he was coming so i could make sure i was there. So, its just another way to get at me.

I just cant belive all this mess has been caused because i wasnt in.

This mess wasn't caused because you weren't in. This mess was caused by your mother and brother behaving like a bunch as 3 year olds.

Reading this thread there are two lovely positive things in it:

1. Your ex-MIL was very excited to have your DD for a overnight stay. She might not be your first choice for child care, but the fact you trust her to have your DD, and that she is around means that you never, ever have to use your mother for babysitting again. Don't tell your mother this, but keep it as your secret weapon.

1. You and your sister seem to have a good confiding relationship. More importantly you both have the same issues with your mother. I would suggest that you sit down with a bit of paper and work out a team approach so you both agree to deal with her in the same way. Your mother is trying to 'split' you and your sister by making one of you into the bad guy. If you work together she will have less chance of succeeding and you will be able to support each other.

Use your mother's holiday to get your locks changed, clear the garage and maybe rent it out so you aren't tempted to let your brother use it again. The rent money can be sent on something nice.

Anttodote.
yes you are right about the exmil thing. DD didnt actually want to come home. She took her to the park for 4 hours one day, then to the beach the next. DD loved it. yes, she might not be my first choice, and yes, i have to take her and pick her up as ex mil doenst drive. But dd was looked after well and had a lovely time with someone who is actually her grandmother.

Of course mum has already guessed that and was going off to sister about it, that chosing her over mum was equal to child abuse and i was putting my own needs above my childs and being totally selfish.

My sister and i do have the same issues. I think it would be a good idea to do as you say. We already say if one is in an agrument with mum ( beacuse it tends to be one of us) then the other shall remain impartial and not get involved. But tactics for dealing with her would be good.

I wont rent the garage out, its still got a ton of my stuff in it.

Im just very sad that this is how it has to be. And fuming that im being bad mouthed.

I am and that a mother can say bad things about any of her children.

How she can do that and expect you to still have any respect for her or indeed want a relationship with her is beyond me tbh.

Totally agree with you on being lied about btw. It outrages my sense of justice, especially if there's any chance someone else will believe it. She's a mad old bat and what she says doesn't matter... but how could she?

Fortunately, anyone worth being friends with either won't believe it or will give you a chance to explain yourself. If they don't, they aren't worth it.

How delightful that your DD got on so well with her other granny. Look on the bright side: both of them would have missed out on a great weekend, and possibly more in the future, if you'd been able to stick to the original arrangement. Mad old bat has done you a favour here (wouldn't that annoy her!). Child abuse to get her other grandmother to look after her, yes, I can imagine Social Services getting excited about that, can't you?

Oh & there is no rule to say that the maternal Gmother must see more of a child than the other!

This has panned out exactly as I knew it would - that doesn't mean I'm a know-all, it means I too have a mother like yours. You've withdrawn her supply of you - and it's you she feeds off. She's upping the stakes crying and stuff, and blaming sister for her holiday being ruined. This is so typical. She will continue to say nasty things about you (my mother has said things about me that I can't bear to repeat), and there will be, if this runs to form, an illness soon - it's her way of trying to get control, and to hook you back to her. Please continue to be strong. Let it wash over you - I know it's hard love, but you just have to get through the next few weeks and she'll go into sulk mode, and if you're lucky that will last a long time. If you see her again, well, it's up to you. But she won't change, and that is very hard to accept. If you have further contact with her, ensure it is only what you can cope with. Repeat to yourself that it's her and not you with the problem. Good luck.