my nosey mother - again.

[andnowthewait]

shes bloody done it again.

She said she might pop round yesterday afternoon to get something out of my garage ( for which she has a key so i dont need to be here to let her in) i told her that i might not be in and to help herself.

I was in, but literally on way out of the door, she came running up just as i was getting in my car.

She got all huffy with me because i was going out and wanted to know where i was gong. Just out, was, apparently not good enough.

I told her i had to go, else would be late, but to help herself. I tried to call her last night and she not picking up the phone to me and is ignoring me. PATHETIC.

worst still was friday i had a friend over. brother was storing some stuff in my garage and had to come get it out friday. couldnt come any other time. Oh shit thought i, as person visiting is new boyfriend type person.
So, i asked brother what time he was coming and how long he expected to be. I then got totally interogated by both him and my mother about what i was up to and that, as i wasnt telling them i have something to hide.

I had to tell my brother, that yes, a man was coming round, but not to be an idiot about it. Hes 23.
Friday night came, man managed to get in without being seen. BUT just as brother went he was knocking on the door, calling up. So i had to answer ( stuck my dishelved head out of the bedroom window. it was obvious what i was doing) while basically my brother embarassed me.

I do not get why my family are like this to me. Its not acceptable.

They keep acting the same way because it works. You will have them acting like this for the rest of your life unless it stops working.

You are enmeshed in their dynamic. You have been trained to call Mom for whatever reason-related to latest huff or not-your fingers are reflexively dialing...
Retrain yourself. Know, and this is tricky to fully understand, that you do not owe your mother anything. Same for your brother.

You may be saying the right words but they obviously are intentionally dismissing them. Your are their entertainment. You are their doormat.

Try this one: "Fgs! Mind your own business!" and put the phone down or escort them to the door.

Distance may ultimately be the only effective answer; you may need to move.

See if you can find the post by mummiehunnie, when she kept her mother standing on the step, told her what's what these days and then closed the door It might have been in the NPD thread, or Stately Homes.

You need to get your key back and be much more assertive. Oh, and tell your brother to cock off next time he pulls that nunnery shit.

well now im more fuming that ever. DD back from being away wanted to call my mum to tell her about it and mum did not pick up.

And this is after i lent her my windbreaks/picnik stuff and sand mats.

Would i be out of order to ask her to return my stuff asap?

Worse thing is im meant to be at a gig on friday with my sister. Mum was going to babysit ( only for the 3rd time this year) im not begging her to do this, but dont really have anyone else i can ask. Shit.Sister is going to be pissed off as well.

BTW the next stunt she may subsequently pull on you is for her to come up with a medical problem of some sort. This will be to gain sympathy on your part.

You do not call up this woman under any circumstances. Toxic people like your Mum and brother (who is well under her thumb) do not and never will play by the rules governing "normal" family behaviours.

All this woman ever did for you was to give birth to you. She has seemingly abrogated herself of all responsibility since that time. My guess too is that she was not a nice and nuturing mother when you were growing up either. She failed you then and she is certainly failing you now.

If your mum has her own garage I don't understand why she needs a key to yours. if your brother doesn't have a garage it's more understandable, but to be honest I wouldn't be keen on this arrangement, different if he was the sort of brother who would just get things in and out of the garage and not intrude on your space.
It sounds as though you all live too close to each other and you haven't done the adolescent rebellion thing of telling them all to bog off and mind their own businesses.
If your mum sin't talking to you ignore it whilst it lasts. She's in the wrong not you. Move away from them both emotionally, keep phone calls brief until they treat you like an adult and reclaim your house and garage.

attlia - you are rather spot on there. Ive cut her out of my life before - for 7 years.

She just called back and my child spoke to her and then said call her back after dinner. I didnt speak to her.

Ive called ex husband who has arranged for his mum to have child on friday instead of mum.

ex MIL will look after her fine and is apparently really excited as shes never had an overnight visit. Child will be fine and looked after. Not my first choice, but i really dont want to cancel my plans as ive paid money up front.

So - i call tell mum that i no longer need her to babysit - and thats one less hold she has over me isnt it.

I shant ask her again either ( not that i ask a lot anyway - twice in 8 months now)

Your mum was maybe out. It's a lovely day (here in Scotland, o idea about rest of you). You're sounding as bad as them in your last post.
Tell your daughter her granny is probably out and chill. If you all expect each other to answer the phone instantly and get paranoid when you don't then you are all as bad as each other. Demanding your toys back because your mum isn't answering the phone on a sunny afternoon is mad.

Ah, if your brother lives at home, he probably encourages your mother in giving you the third degree about your live. he can imagine how unbearable his life would be if your DM didn't have another target!

That's more than out of order; that's conniving and selfish.

If you want to hit him with something, tell him you're going to start encouraging your mother to take an interest in his doings, and hint darkly that Things Are Going On. He knows your mother would be soooo determined to find out what it is that his live wouldn't be worth living!

See, you're a normal person, and as people have said upthread, you don't want to play childish games, but that doesn't mean you can't be a Grown-Up Bitch!

2rebecca - oh yes i did rebell. i moved countries away and didnt speak to her for 7 years. we have only been speaking for about 3 1/2 years now.

so actually - i told her to bog off in the biggest way possible. Thats why i get frustrrated when posters say i cant have tried everything, because i bloody well have.

I just dont think she can handle me having a life ( and not telling her about it) she would rather i sat in, night after night, talking to her on the phone and my only social activities revolving around her. Shes always moaning about sister, because she doesnt do this. LAst time she had a major go at her was 2 weekends ago. Because sister had been back off holiday a week and not gone to see her. but sister works full time/house to run/dog etc, and was back at work the next day. she hadnt had time.

Why let her bother you though? Also if your brother lives with your mum and your mum has a garage what are they doing in your garage? If you find her that bad that you didn't speak to her for 7 years then moving down the road and giving her and your brother keys to your house and garage and speaking to them more than once a week sounds a bit strange.
Ask for your keys back and just phone them less frequently, don't tell them anything you don't want to and act as if they live 200 miles away.
Tell your mother she has to get a life of her own and let you get on with yours if she keeps interfering. Otherwise you'll end up not speaking for several years again. It sounds as though you need to draw clear boundaries.

right - well after taking sisters advice of just calling her and pretending nothing had happened ( which is what she does) i called last night and got no answer.

Mum just called and spoke to her, first thing she said was ' i have been out all week, and i have called you back, but you didnt answer (no she didnt)
then she asked what was happening tomorow with regards to her babysitting DD.

I told her that since i hadnt heard from her, and since she had been moaning about how she didnt want to do it, but would beacuse there was noone else, that i had found someone else to do it. At which point she went totally mental at me, beacuse she said shes been racing round all weekto get things ready for dd and now im just taking the fucking piss to do that to her and that she cant believe ive done that to her and that im out of order
and then she started that she would have thought i might have popper round yesterday and i missed out as she was making cookies, wtf, she never bakes. When i asked her to tell me why she might have assumed i would pop round she hung up on me.

then she called me back for round two. again that i was out or order for not letting her know sooner about the babysitting, when i said i had been trying to but she hadnt called me back she started screaming at me. then she started turning on the waterworks as i had refused to engage with her. i just kept repeating that i was not going to argue and i disagreeded with her.sister was here and witness/heard the whole thing. said it was best to ignore it as its typical mum behaviour/attention seeking and trying to make out shes a victim.

lord knows why.

i know i was. i wasnt going to risk not being able to go to a pre paid for thing ( when i dont have much money) just beacuse mum is being an idiot.

neither was i going to beg and plead and say sorry for being the worlds worst daugher just beacuse mum wanted to hang that over my head.

she can sulk about it as long as she wants.

she kept saying ' you are out of order for not telling me sooner' when i said i had called her three nights in a row she said that i could have text. clearly she wanted me to bow down to her and beg her to have dd for me. i said why would i do more than ring you for three nights, it was clear you were ignoring me, and so, i found an alternative arrangement.
basically she has thrown her toys out of the pram because ive not behaved in the way she wanted me too.. hence the ramping it up into crying.

pathetic.

Have only read the Op. Sorry

However, I have 3 observations:

1. Board up the garage and put a For Sale sign on it.

2. Pretend never to recognise your mother again and call the police as there is a stranger trespassing on your property.

3. For full effect, your punctuation in the following sentence should have been:

"Just out was, apparently, not good enough"

Well done you, sounds as if you kept your cool pretty well in the face of some strong provocation. Of course you have nothing to feel guilty about!

It'll take more than this to get her off your neck long term, I dare say, but you clearly won this round.

of course it will take more than this annie - its not like we havent been here 15000 times before.

winning rounds doesnt make a blind bit of difference.

she literally will just throw everything in to get a reaction. today ive had

• i always drop everything to help you ( er,no you dont, or guilt trip me about it, and i help you out to, its what families do)
• you are not the daughter i have brought up
• im so hurt and offended that you could have done this to me ( er, done what)
• she feels like ive slapped her in the face
• im a bitch
• she hopes when im older my child will treat me like this

etc etc etc.

then, when that wasnt working she resorted to crying and then hanging up.

if for one second i believed she was really crying then id call her back - but i dont and thats what she wants me to do. i know shes just trying to make me feel guilty.

well, shes off on holiday on saturday, so least ill have another week of peace.

Sad thing is, she probably does believe her own BS story, that she drops everything for you etc.

Maybe she'll meet the man of her dreams on holiday, and stay there!

this might help?

What you have to realise is that she BELIEVES all this and nothing from you will make her understand otherwise. She is living in her own version of reality. You can't change that.

What you can change is how you let it affect you. You need to stop calling her,even as if nothing has happened. Screen calls. Limit interaction. You have to change your behaviour and what you will tolerate otherwise she will just continue to ramp it up.

Be prepared for her to start having emergencies and crises (medical usually) that are somehow your fault, or your responsibility to sort out. Ignore, ignore.

(suspect your brother is just on a teenage -typepower trip so I would ignore him - did you have a word?)

?

oh yeah - i expect she fully believes what she is saying.

there is no point in arguing with her, you will never win and she point blank refuses to accept or even consider someone elses point ( mind you shes like this normally as well too)

You cut her off once for 7 years; why did you let her back into your life?.

Time to cut her off again methinks. Your Mum will not change but you can change how you react to her. She sounds narcissistic in nature.