Mouse, that's a good question. Maybe what I want is something that isn't on offer. Truth, honesty, trust (tautology). This relationship, but with trust. How do you get that? I can't do it alone.
These things are so important to me. I once told him I would rather have a relationship without love than without trust.
I'll ask him to stop contacting me. I don't know if he will. I want to hear from him that he understands and "gets it".
Cestla, in some ways it was that pressure that was so tempting. We had both agreed that if he moved in then the next time I asked him to go we would go ahead with a divorce.
It was going to be all or nothing.
Although maybe that was just a hope too.
It is cyclical. He doesn't remember that I've heard all of these excuses before. All the promises and reassurances too.
They're just words. It's not that he doesn't mean them, it's that he doesn't know he already meant them and could still break that promise when the time came that he wanted to.
He promised not to drink again. I said it was his choice, that I wasn't going to pressure him one way or the other, but that he knew how I felt about it. I told him not to make a promise just for me, or one he wouldn't keep.
3 weeks ago we went out with some friends of his. He was offered a drink, and he took it. I said it was his choice. I was hurt.
He told me the next day that he took it (and a further 3 shots) because he thought I wanted him to drink.
Now when I asked him why that would be true he could only answer that I would never want him to drink. But he believed it when he did it, and didn't question the belief.
How do I combat that? He can create a delusion to justify whatever he wants, whenever he wants. If he can do that and won't question each and every decision then he will never stop this selfishness.
I'm feeling quite defeated.
I love him. He is a loving man. Caring, funny, intelligent. He can make me laugh like no one else can. But he can make me cry like that too.
Oh God, I really am a rambler today. Sorry