AF? Are you around? Could you come and slap me please?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

and then maybe give me an un-MN un-Crunchy hug?

Annie, this is true. He did confess. He did tell me the truth himself.

Maybe I can focus on that.

Ok af, see you later

"One day I won't have to always be strong, right? One day I won't have to hold on so tight."

Yes, when you've properly split up from him.

I know that's probably not what you want to hear but I really feel it's true.

This nightmare has been going on for you for years - not months or weeks. It will take you a long time to recover from the upset of it all and I just can't see how you can do that with him around after a 'reconciliation'. Being forgiving is laudable, but you don't have to be god-like. Surely there would be some relief if you could let go?

Dame, there would eventually, but there is good here too. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to always be forgiving...

Leaving means moving away. It means leaving the children's schools, it means leaving their veery hands-on dad.

But he doesn't care enough not to do these things. He doesn't care enough to be anything but sorry afterwards. I'm mad to think he'd change. He won't. He'll just bumble through life doing what he wants when he wants - most of which will coincide with what I want, so will be ok, but some of which won't, and he'll be sorry.

We've got three dcs. Life might be good enough. But it'll never be perfect.

If it's any help (maybe it's not)... I came off ADs unilaterally as soon as I'd moved away from XH. It was kind of accidental as I had a car accident (nobody hurt, only my transport fecked) so I couldn't get to pick up the prescription for a few days and then thought oh well, I shouldn't need them anyway now I'm not living with the arse. I didn't get any withdrawal symptoms and felt the most cheerful I had in years. Everyone was disapproving when they heard I'd just stopped, and a few months later when I was under threat of dismissal at work, the fact that I'd stopped taking the ADs weighed very heavily against me. I lost my job and on appeal got reduced compensation as a direct result of it, as they said I had failed to co-operate in my own recovery. It was a mistake - an honest misjudgement - but it was very expensive. (I went back on them straight after that - I needed them! - then a few months later came off them in a controlled way under the GP.)

Mind you I didn't lie to anyone about it...

My heart is breaking for you.

You've got to the point where you think that's all you deserve. It's not true, you deserve a properly happy life.

Why would you have to move away? Why can't you stay as you are with him living elsewhere but make it clear there are no plans to reconcile?

Annie, it helps to hear that others did this and it was actually too soon. I don't want to insist he does something to his own body, but he'd only been feeling better a few weeks ( which coincided with a positive change in us) and then suddenly he's cured. Three years and it happens just like that. The chances if him relapsing are enormous. The decision to do it behind my back with me asking him about his ads, is not rational. It doesn't seem like the actions of someone thinking straight, but maybe I'm over thinking it.

Dame, I only live here because of his work. If it doesn't work we always knew I would move back closer to family and friends -currrently six hour drive away. I have friends here and it's ok, but there's no work for me, and it's just so far from real support.

I'm so tired.

I feel faint and nauseous and drained.

How do you get someone to question the decisions he makes? You can't can you? Because if he subjected any of his actions to any scrutiny at all I don't think he'd do them.

But that doesn't help.

I don't feel so good.

The pills may have stopped him being depressed, but they haven't invented a medicine yet that can stop people being stupid.

I think what I said about shock above may actually be the case - the symptoms do sound a bit similar. It's an actual physical reaction to an emotional stimulus. Did first aid many years ago and how they explained it was that the blood drains out of your extremities and goes to keep your vital organs working. The brain isn't considered vital enough (!) so it gets a bit short of blood, which is why people sometimes faint from shock. You should probably sit down for a bit, with feet slightly higher than your head, and keep warm, and some hot sweet tea would be a bonus.

Thanks Annie, why is it always lovely strangers who end up looking after me? Not that I'd swap you all.

Would I be a terrible person to say "Yes I do want you to go back on them until I can trust that your extreme mood swings have stopped". Stuff on t'internet says you should stop taking them about 6 months after you feel better. Is that right?

I couldn't cope with him if he got down again. That may be completely selfish of me, but I physically and emotionally could not cope. He knows this. So why risk it?!

I'll go and stick the kettle on.

DS1 is in school, DS2 is watching cbeebies , and DD is having a nap.

I need to collapse.

Don't dis cbeebies, it's educational! Well some bits of it are, and the rest is unlikely to do the kid any permanent brain damage.

edyoucashurnul?

Yeh, dat

Should that have been "diss" btw? I'm too old for this modern vernacular lark.

Haven't a clue

Technically it should have been dis'

But somehow I doubt that it's ever been written like that!

Now stop posting unless you can do it from a reclining position with your feet up

I can't! If I do that then I'll start thinking, and then I'll start crying, and that would be bad. I need to keep my brain occupied until it's all sunk in behind my back.

I'm not sure that makes sense

I'm feeling all fragile Mousey

He doesn't understand what he's done. Am I horrible to want him to start taking the ADs again?

Yes it does, unfortunately. Well, if you're sitting down and have tea to hand, I'm sure that will be fine. If you start to feel a bit dizzy though, lie down. This is all perfectly natural, don't worry, just take as much care of yourself as looking after 3 DCs will permit.

Btw when I point out that even terribly smart people like myself (ahem) can make mistakes, that doesn't mean you should necessarily forgive him for this or that it doesn't matter. When you're over the first aghastness you will be able to think more clearly about what you want to do next.

So, distraction time. Where did all those nice ladies with the baby oil and candles hide themselves?

No, you're not. I had a thought.....

Why don't you both go back to his GP and/or therapist and discuss this together.

Put a firm plan of action in place. Again, I know but if you need time and he needs time to prove to you that he's better, as in off them, then maybe this needs to be doen in a more controlled manner.

Having said that, I doubt he'll go back on them now he's off them.

Have you heard from him this morning?

Ah, well there's Mousey, you're in good arms there

Annie.

Annie I think they all left when I put the thong on

Mouse yes, he emailed. Offered to go back on them. Said he was taking one now. Although I suspect that since I didn't reply with a "Hurray" that was probably more of a case of "I would be taking one now if you forgive me".

If he's off them then he will have to prove that he can be stable and safe for about a year before I could be sure he's not going to regress.

How did 2 weeks become a year so quickly?

i think i would go with "Give it a year, perhaps, of him being well, and the two of you living apart."

he has had ups and downs before, right, iirc? (like my exP...)

so this may be a temporary phase.... you cannot trust it...wait til the "fall" as americans say - classic time for "falling" and gettng depressed again.

you want it to work, fine, but dont let him back in compeltely - keep the separate living arrangements, for another 12 months...then see...

call it "living apart together" if you like... but always with the chance to have your own space...

cestla, that's my other fear. Every Summer he has had an "up" and every autumn we're back to the "down". Every Summer he reduces the dose (with my support) and every winter he ups it again.

I worry about the living arrangements too. I worry about affording them.