Old Bags No More - The Brave Babes & the Battle with the Booze

[MoominMags]

Well, here we go ladies (and MIFLAW)! The new thread to follow on from JWN's 'me and alcohol have ruined my family'. I hope no one minds that I decided to go with 'brave'? I just think that it describes us!

As a quick recap, I am 33 and on day 22 of sobriety (on this occasion!)

Hi JWN, hope that the day goes really well for you!

Catch up later!

Wow - well done to all the "wobblers", just read through how strong you've just been in the last 24 hours! Hope today's better for you.

I'm back to being me (probably will be ok as I said until I dip next month - have started taking 5-htp and agnus castus which is supposed to help with pms, fingers crossed). Was kept busy yesterday with DH working from home and cleaning up ready for school holidays. Am putting off the ironing at the moment.

Am having to bounce away a few negative thoughts today as I have a smear booked for later - never had any problems with them, but DH's ex (from the problems we had a couple of years ago.....) had treatment for cervical cancer, so I'm now scared about hpv virus. And a bit angry that something I used to do just as routine/tickbox stuff actually has me worrying about the results now. Been with Dh for nearly 20 years, so used to think I was pretty safe, and needn't worry.

Off to keep myself busy, take care of yourselves everyone on here x

Hi ido, hope that you are OK with the smear. And I am really sorry to hear about your troubles from a couple of years ago (well, what I am reading between the lines. And I am not at all surprised that you are angry about it.) Will be thinking of you today.

Thanks! In a way, a couple of years ago did us a favour, as DH had been a selfish so and so for too long! He had his own issues and I know was on his own selfdestruct. He's actually back to who he was, or is, and did loads of work on himself. I think that's where he gets frustrated because he keeps telling me I was doing nothing wrong (other than be too accepting and not standing up for myself, I suppose!). And I know that I was doing nothing wrong - I just get this little voice wondering why he did what he did then?!!

Logicaly, I have all the answers to that, and am ok with them. They do actually make sense, especially given the changes since! I just need to keep my confidence up and be consistent with that 24/7, no wobbles/bitterness against myself if that makes some sense.

I am glad that you are able to see some positives in what happened. Regarding being 'too accepting and not standing up for myself' - this can happen a lot to alkies (definitely to me) as we have such low self esteem and feel so ashamed about the alcohol issue that it's almost like we deserve to have people treat us like a doormat. Obviously I don't know loads about your situation but I know that this has certainly been the case for me!

Afternoon all
Great, wrinkly, one night under your belt! Ido, good luck with the smear; must stop ignoring my reminders I guess, but maybe tomorrow!
Venus and moomin, thank you again, and wave past at JWN.
Sorry if I missed anyone who's posted this morning.
BIG hello to wasindie if you're looking.

kate! Hello, sorry...

Hi everyone, bit quieter on here today! Hope that just means everyone is having a slightly easier time of it.

algee and venus - I was just pleased to be about and able to reply when things were tricky. You must be pretty damn pleased today! It was so tough but you got through it. Really big achievement.

I went to a meeting last night, was pretty good but I was a little distracted as I was wondering what was going on here! At least I wasn't distracted by thinking about getting a drink.

No meeting tonight or tomorrow so I am going to take it easy - start a new book, drink some diet coke and eat a bit of chocolate. Bliss!

Hope everyone is doing OK.

I'm going off to my first one tonight. Feeling very fragile after yesterday. Funny when I woke from my horribly broken sleep last night, I felt all of those things you feel when you've been in company but can't quite remember what you've said. I really felt out of control, yet I was stone cold sober; however I feel when I wake up and am shaking and can't remember and feel as if something's died and decomposed in my mouth, I really don't remember feeling as vulnerable and helpless and scared and angry and sad and generally foul as I did yesterday.

I dreamt about you guys all night long, and it wasn't pretty, you know the stuff, you were all judging me 'cos I've allowed you to see a little bit of the real me, that kind of thing. God it's not as if I've blubbed loads, but I know that you can all read between the lines...I think that facing up to myself and how I see myself now, as a sober person, is going to be rather more exhausting than I imagined.

Day 13, honeymoon over...hard work starts here!

Thanks as always

algee - I have felt all those things you are talking about. I am sure that the rest of the computer fairies have done too! No judgements remember. Of course you feel knackered today, you went through a really tough time.

I am so pleased you are off to a meeting. Two pieces of advice: 1. listen and 2. look for the similarities and not the differences. I hope that you get something out of it at least. Some of it sounds bonkers at first and I could not work out why all these nutjobs were smiling!? Looking forward to hearing about it!

SMILING???!!!
...arse!

Told you, nutjobs. Happy without alcohol?! What's wrong with these people? etc etc

But then you realise that you want to be just as happy without it as they are! (I am getting there!)

yeah, not so sure about the smiling, might spoil my image!

All will be well.

Thanks Moomin! Back from smear, so it's the waiting game now.

Feel a bit better that it's done!

Re the putting up with stuff, alcohol wasn't an issue around the time that DH behaved as he did and hadn't been before! I was very much into looking after myself and my family! And didn't drink - in the same way that I had 8/9 portions of fruit/veg a day, it was just how I was living, and "unhealthy" didn't feature!

It's since - I got very drunk a handful of times in the 6/8 months afterwards, and just recently have had rants at DH on the back of a drink or two. I've linked the loss of self-awareness to PMS and need to make sure that I don't risk a drink around that time. So it's better that I don't at all!

I think I've got more anger in me about the fact that I was sooooo happy putting everyone else first, and thinking I was so lucky to have my family, home etc, and enjoying looking after them and being with them, feeling secure etc.

Like I say, I'm not quite as totally positive about myself as I used to be, and don't like having negative thoughts (and immediately after typing that I've just thought "because I never used to", and feel resentful at DH's behaviour for putting them into me!). Most of the time I can knock them out of my head, but I am getting a bit scared about the link with my periods and that's when I seem to think "what the hell", have a drink and lash out ranting at DH.

Algee - you're doing really well, hope today is good for you!

algee - I wanted to cry at my first meeting not bloody smile! (Have done some crying in subsequent meetings but that's perfectly acceptable!)

ido - at least you have got it over and done with! Re the link with your cycle and drinking: it's great that you are aware of it because then you can prepare yourself for it when it comes round. I hope that makes even a little bit of sense!

hi all, client now gone, looks like a good meeting

anyway, sounds like you are having a calm afternoon - good luck tonight algee, i cried at the first couple of meetings, felt very bloody sorry for myself , as time goes on, i just feel better and better and i actually enjoy the meetings now, i a few short weeks i have also met a couple of women that i know will remain friends for a very long time, people i would otherwise have not met.

btw - absolutely no judging here!!! , its nice to start meeting the sober you!!, who seems to be a very nice person!! i think we will all be a bit vulnerable for a while, its been a long time since we all faced the shitty bits of our lives, it kind of knocks the stuffing out now and again! the payoff though is great, the feeling of contentment i have generally is wonderful!

Glad your meeting went well JWN; you sound content I have to say...strange to think that as you were at the stage I am now, I was reading your posts through a haze of whiskey, vodka, wine etc etc etc. Now look at me, an emotional car crash, but sober!

One of the many reasons I've not been to a meeting yet is that I'm going to be miles and miles from here in a few weeks; it's hard enough saying goodbye to people as it is, without making some deep connection with anyone new. Not that I'm the type of person to make deep connections that quickly (unless it's with computer fairies, because, of course, you're not real!!). Just another excuse. Surprise surprise.

Painted my front door today...sooo bored of this pgce thing, essay pending, but door seemed more pressing! Don't think I'll be able to close it tonight though

Hello one and all,

Yes, it's the time of the day when I say farewell until tomorrow!

I hope that everyone has a lovely evening.

algee - can't wait to hear about the meeting!

JWN, venus, kate, wrinkly, ido, curry, chinkof, wasindie and MIFLAW (sorry if anyone missed off!) hope you are all well and hope to hear from everyone soon!

(Oh, I am fine, no rage or anything to worry about so far today!)

Cross posted with you algee! Good work on painting the door!

JWN - forgot to say, so glad the meeting went well!

tootle pip, moomin. Have a lovely evening!

Hi all,

Just fed hungry family. Have felt so drained and lethargic today, not just the lack of sleep, I think it's having admitted to other people, even you 'computer fairies' (love that by the way Algee)that I do have a problem, did any of you feel the same, and if so how long does it last? otherwise feeling ok, no wanting a drink yet, don't think I've got the energy to go and get one anyway!
Sorry, but I feel like I'm doing all the moaning and not doing any supporting, not sure what to say, except I hope I can do as well as all of you!

...my job to do all the moaning and no supporting!!

For my first few days I told only dh, and my old friend whose mum died an alchoholic at 44. I've found though that I am beginning to 'fess up to more people, seems only polite somehow, and yes, I find it totally draining, and the second the words are out, i wish I could swallow them back in.

In fact that word 'feel' seems to be running through everything just now...my dreams last night were a result of me feeling so uncomfortable at having whinged and whined to you all, it seems very strange talking about this big 'secret' I find, and really rather uncomfortable.

I am still being careful about who I speak to, but I am generally totally tight lipped and buttoned up about everything, so that's not difficult, and I think it's sensible not to blurt it out to all and sundry.

...I'm sure it will pass...one of the others will undoubtedly be better placed to offer comfort on that one!

...what I actually meant by that first line was 'moan away', just to be clear!