Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some balance- cheating.

147 replies

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 19:19

DP and I have been together for quite a few years and have young children. I am pregnant now. DP has been acting strange lately and I dont know if Im taking things out of proportion or seeing things that arent there.

It started about a month ago when Dp went out for a friends birthday and came back at 5am. This is really unusual for him as he usually gets tired/ fed up and gets back at about 2am at the latest. I called him that night several times as one of the Dc's seemed really unwell. He didnt answer. When I asked him why so late and why he hadnt answered the phone he said that he had left his phone in his car because he didnt want a bulk in his pocket. He was late due to some big run around dropping friend off that lives quite far. I felt suspicious( he always keeps his phone with him) but dropped it.

A week ago Dp said he was going out. When I asked with who, he got cagey and said " a friend." I asked for the name. He said someone I didnt know from his college days. Then gave me a name a had vaguely heard of. He said he was going to pop in. When I asked more he said he had planned to go with friends that I do know but he hadnt mentioned them at first. He could have said he was going out with the friends I know and I would have thought nothing of it. He went out that night and then came back late even though he was just "popping in".

I had a look at his googlemail-it was signed in and saw a message from a girl I had not heard of. It didn't say anything incriminating but it was a very recent message and I know he usually deletes messages- apparently but he keeps all the boring ones. He must have seen that I had looked and logged out of google but didnt confront me. He now keeps it logged out.

Today he said he had to take a friend to a&e at 6pm apparently this friend has back pain. This was all arranged at 2pm in the afternoon. I asked why 6pm if he needs to go to a&e surely he would need to go straight away. Said friend was at work/ noone to take him/ parking issues etc.later he said friend had taken himself to a walk in clinic.

I picked up his phone earlier to ring my phone - couldnt find it, and he seemed a bit panicked and asked what I was doing.

He keeps taking his laptop to the bedroom late at night after saying he is going to sleep- we have a computer in the sitting room. He has spelt his name differently on facebook and I cant think of a reason for that. He has pictures of our children although on a private setting but nothing to explain who they are and no mention of him being in a relationship. his page is private Im not really a face book user but I was curious so I asked to be invited on he took a day before accepting and then there was nothing really on his page at all.

My instinct is telling me that something is going on but I have absolutely nothing to go on just situations that could possibly be explained. Im not a paranoid person. I have never thought any previous partner was cheating on me or been hurt by a past experience. I feel like Im going mad at the moment. There was a similar experience in both my previous pregnancies weird reasons for going out/ going to see his family/ protective of his phone/ leaving room to take calls etc. I confronted him and he seemed quite genuine in his denial and I believed him. I dont know if its pregnancy hormones creating things or there is a pattern of behaviour.

Sorry I know most of this is rambling. Im not possessive or jealous. I dont cross examine him every time he goes out he can go where he likes with who he likes I only ask questions when he becomes cagey or says things that dont quite add up. I can see no reason for him to be so cagey.

OP posts:
innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:21

couldbebetter, I'm sorry, it doesn't look good. All the signs are there that he is seeing someone.

The best advice I can give you at this stage is to NOT LET ON that you are suspicious, (in which case he will become extra careful), just act nice and normal,and keep gathering evidence of things that don't add up. Look look and look again. Receipts, bank statements, wait til he falls asleep then tiptoe to get a good look at his mobile etc. I have been there big time.

Our instincts are usually right with these things.

They think they are covering their tracks, but women will ALWAYS be three steps ahead.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Keep posting.

MortaIWombat · 14/07/2010 20:23

If he's got you on limited access on his fb, I'd assume it's for a reason. Sorry.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:31

I cant he is so well covered- his bank statement dont come here, neither do his phone bills. He deletes all messages from his phone says to save space on the memory.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 14/07/2010 20:32

Oh dear.

I'm sorry to say that this is text book behaviour for cheaters and the deceitful. Whether he 'has' or is 'planning' to, he is up to no good.

Your hormones will make you more sensitive but not paranoid. There is a reason that you feel the way that you do.

Keep posting, you'll get some brilliant advice on her.

I'd agree to play it cool for now. He'll trip himself up soon enough but this is past the point of you stopping him or his plans.

Sorry xx

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:33

genuine reason for his bills not coming here though- and mine dont either.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 14/07/2010 20:33

i think its very suspicious

my Dh woudl always say where he was going if he went out in an evening. he does so very rarely as we also have young children.

he would only go out the room to take a work call, if its social he will say who it is straight away as most of our friends are mutual. i will usually go as i cant be bothered to listen to one end of a conversation

how does he act when you go out with friends and stay out til 5am? and leave your phone in the car?

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:35

If this is patterned behaviour then I dont think I will catch him- if he was cheating before this was years ago. I really need peace of mind.

OP posts:
couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:35

I dont really go out Kristina.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 14/07/2010 20:36

why dont you go out? if you are pg and have young kids, dont you need to get out sometimes?

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:37

He has another trip planned for this Friday. He doesnt go out very often and it seems quite odd.

OP posts:
couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:38

Because I dont really have many friends.

OP posts:
innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:40

Keep checking the phone ANYWAY. Sooner or later he will fuck up and not delete something. My ex was very careful deleting everything on phone, but one day he did not realise that a very incriminating text had not actually sent and had been accidentally saved in 'drafts'. He was also very very very careful locking laptop with passwords etc but then ONE NIGHT HE FORGOT. That was five weeks ago today and he is one kicked out fucker.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:40

The weird things is sometimes I have doubted something he has said then its been confirmed as true which makes me think its me going mad.

OP posts:
innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:41

He will probably tart himself up a lot more than he usually would on Friday. Check EVERYTHING.

innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:42

Checking the mileage on his car is a good one. Then you can roughly work out if he has been where he should have been at least distance wise.

Mouseface · 14/07/2010 20:43

Sweetie, you are not going mad.

Please don't feel like that.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:43

I cant even get to his phone most the time. Lately generally he has been quite open with his phone so I thought I must have been paranoid the previous times I have suspected him. But this last week or so he has been very close to his phone again which just makes me think more that something is happening. He is also being very helpful/cheerful.

Last night he was texting someone and smiling he left his phone quickly so I looked at the screen it was just a boring text to a family member.

OP posts:
couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:45

Im ashamed to say I have checked his pockets randomly since that 5am incident and smelled his shirts (perfume) but nothing.

OP posts:
innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:45

Wait til he's asleep then have a good look. Don't just look at texts, look at calls made and received. No you are not mad. It's a truly horrid thing to be going thru.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:49

I cant go on like this any longer. I feel like this as all getting too much. I need to conclude this one way or another.

Should I confront him and demand that he shows me his bank statements/ phone bills- he has paper phone bills so he could say he has lost them/ thrown them but he has an online bank account. He also has a credit card that he applied for without telling me. There is no balance on it he tells me- I think he hid that because I know he is irresponsible with money so not necessarily anything bad.

OP posts:
helicopterview · 14/07/2010 20:51

Why not ask to go out with him this Friday, and see how he reacts. Get a babysitter lined up. It'd be interesting to see if he tries to talk you out of it, and how.

innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:52

You will do what feels right for you couldbebetter . But my honest opinion is that if you confront him, he will only deny that something is going on, even if it is. Then he will hide his tracks very very carefully. It is very very hard, but sometimes it is better to hang fire and gather evidence.

Also IF he is innocent, you will only look paranoid and hormonal.

innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:53

Helicopter's idea is an excellent one.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:53

I was going to ask him that last time but I had no childcare- family is away. same thing this friday. SO he would just say that we cant both go. When my family come back I could do that but who knows when he will next go out.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 14/07/2010 20:55

i agree with inner strength and helicopter