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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some balance- cheating.

147 replies

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 19:19

DP and I have been together for quite a few years and have young children. I am pregnant now. DP has been acting strange lately and I dont know if Im taking things out of proportion or seeing things that arent there.

It started about a month ago when Dp went out for a friends birthday and came back at 5am. This is really unusual for him as he usually gets tired/ fed up and gets back at about 2am at the latest. I called him that night several times as one of the Dc's seemed really unwell. He didnt answer. When I asked him why so late and why he hadnt answered the phone he said that he had left his phone in his car because he didnt want a bulk in his pocket. He was late due to some big run around dropping friend off that lives quite far. I felt suspicious( he always keeps his phone with him) but dropped it.

A week ago Dp said he was going out. When I asked with who, he got cagey and said " a friend." I asked for the name. He said someone I didnt know from his college days. Then gave me a name a had vaguely heard of. He said he was going to pop in. When I asked more he said he had planned to go with friends that I do know but he hadnt mentioned them at first. He could have said he was going out with the friends I know and I would have thought nothing of it. He went out that night and then came back late even though he was just "popping in".

I had a look at his googlemail-it was signed in and saw a message from a girl I had not heard of. It didn't say anything incriminating but it was a very recent message and I know he usually deletes messages- apparently but he keeps all the boring ones. He must have seen that I had looked and logged out of google but didnt confront me. He now keeps it logged out.

Today he said he had to take a friend to a&e at 6pm apparently this friend has back pain. This was all arranged at 2pm in the afternoon. I asked why 6pm if he needs to go to a&e surely he would need to go straight away. Said friend was at work/ noone to take him/ parking issues etc.later he said friend had taken himself to a walk in clinic.

I picked up his phone earlier to ring my phone - couldnt find it, and he seemed a bit panicked and asked what I was doing.

He keeps taking his laptop to the bedroom late at night after saying he is going to sleep- we have a computer in the sitting room. He has spelt his name differently on facebook and I cant think of a reason for that. He has pictures of our children although on a private setting but nothing to explain who they are and no mention of him being in a relationship. his page is private Im not really a face book user but I was curious so I asked to be invited on he took a day before accepting and then there was nothing really on his page at all.

My instinct is telling me that something is going on but I have absolutely nothing to go on just situations that could possibly be explained. Im not a paranoid person. I have never thought any previous partner was cheating on me or been hurt by a past experience. I feel like Im going mad at the moment. There was a similar experience in both my previous pregnancies weird reasons for going out/ going to see his family/ protective of his phone/ leaving room to take calls etc. I confronted him and he seemed quite genuine in his denial and I believed him. I dont know if its pregnancy hormones creating things or there is a pattern of behaviour.

Sorry I know most of this is rambling. Im not possessive or jealous. I dont cross examine him every time he goes out he can go where he likes with who he likes I only ask questions when he becomes cagey or says things that dont quite add up. I can see no reason for him to be so cagey.

OP posts:
blinder · 14/07/2010 21:44

Sorry that you are going through this while pregnant and far from family .

How come you don't have many rl friends to call on? Can you rekindle any friendships and get some extra support?

duckonthepond · 14/07/2010 21:46

I'm sorry to say that many of the things you have mentioned were done by my ex when he was being unfaithful. Trust your gut instinct, it is usually right. I finally found the evidence I needed by accessing his iphone, hidden under the bed, while he was in the shower. He also works with computers so I knew he wouldn't risk taking his precious iphone near water.

I definitely agree with taking your time to check for any evidence. He will slip up eventually because if he is having an affair his mind will be elsewhere. I hope I am wrong though as this is not what you deserve.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:51

No he doesnt post on mumsnet its just that I have the same password that I use for most things accept banking and Ive always been very open with him its a shame its not reciprocated.

Family will be back soon but we arent that close.

The RL life friends thing. I could start a whole thread on that. Mainly lifestyle- I dont have much free time. My good friend that I have had since school keeps making arrangements and then breaking them.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:04

He is out now He is supposed to be visiting his mum should I phone and see if he picks up? I cant think of a reason to call. I should have called earlier when he left because if the a&e story is dodgy then that would be when he arranged to meet.

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KristinaM · 14/07/2010 22:07

forgive me...but you sound a bit...well.. downtrodden

you are pg and have young children. he works 40 miles away ( so presumably has a long commute)but doesnt come home in the evening as he is out with "friends"

he stays out til 5am but doesnt think to call you

you dont have any mutual friends

you don't keep up with your friends as you have no free time. but he is free to go out at least once a week

you hardly ever go out

he knows all your password but you dont know his

he wont let you on his fb page

his name is incorrect on fb and his status is single??

you only use family for babysitting

he hides all his phones bills and bank statements

tell me, were you happy in your relationhsip befroe all this started? it all sounds a bit 1950s to me

KristinaM · 14/07/2010 22:09

phone his mums landline and ask to speak to him. say you are out of milk and can he pick up some on his way home

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:20

No Kristina he doesnt work 40 miles away (must have me mixed with someone else)and does come home in the evening.

He has stayed out once that late- it was the unusual behviour that triggered my suspiscion.

He doesnt go out once a week except to see his family Its just this past 2 weeks. In reality he goes out with friends once/ a month/ 2 months so not often at all which is why Im also suspicious that he is going out twice in as many weeks with the weird a&e story in-between.

He doesn't hide phone bills and bank statements they are delivered elsewhere as are mine as we rent and who knows how long we will be here so we get our bills delivered to a more permanent address.

Also he has nothing on his facebook status it is just blank.

I dont go out because I dont have any friends so dont really get invited anywhere. not because he doesn't let me. I dont have time because DP works shifts and 1 DC has extra care needs so we can only rally use the family member for babysitting.

Our issues have mainly been about his lack of openness.

OP posts:
loopyloops · 14/07/2010 22:24

The facebook thing... he has set you to see only the basics of his profile. It's not that there's nothing on it, just that you can't see it.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:24

We have plenty of milk what else could I ask for?

I know we are out of bread.

I will also be sus if he comes home much later than 11.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:25

Ive got no idea about facebook. I dont know how it works. So he can let me on but hide info. Does everyone get messages on their facebook or is that an optional thing?

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loopyloops · 14/07/2010 22:29

Someone's phone number / email address?

Everyone gets messages. Can you not see his wall? Only select pics? Then it's hidden. Be sus.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:30

Well he picked up but sounded quiet.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:32

I got cut off he phoned back and I heard a man's voice- no men at his mums house- said he was at a friends.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:32

oh fuck its looking worse by the minute.

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KristinaM · 14/07/2010 22:36

sorry if i misunderstood about these things

call your MILs and ask him to get bread. if he has not turned up there, just chat to her generally and dont mention Dp.

when he comes in, ask him how his mother is. ask him if he mentioned about Dcs birthday / nursery/ grannys bunions whatever

honest Dp will say " oh i didnt go over as it was too late after the hospital"

cheating DP will say " she's fine". if he says this DONT CONFRONT HIM. you need to be cool and get more evidence

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:37

He caught me looking at 12 bluebook yesterday- someone mentioned it on another thread. I thought I would see how it works. I got distracted by the DC and left the page up. He saw it so I said I was considering switching to )2 so that could save my contact on BLue room - broke my phone recently. He didnt seem suspicious.

I may log off suddenly at 11pm if he come home but I will come back to check tomorrow.

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helicopterview · 14/07/2010 22:37

On facebook, have a look at the different security levels. I think you may be able to name specific people to exclude from seeing your wall. Not sure about that.

However I doubt an OW would be posting on his wall. More likely to send a message just between the two of them. The only way to see that would be to log on as him.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:40

He didnt go to hospital I got a feeling he thought I was asking too many q's want buying the whole story because it didnt add up. So forgot that idea.

He could have easily gone to see his mum and then gone somewhere else without asking how long he was there I wont know. DPs mum does not speak english.

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thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 14/07/2010 22:41

Sorry you're going through this, I well know how excruciating it is and I'm afraid it doesn't look that good to me either based on your posts.

Do you remember the name of the girl he had the email from? I'd start trying to find out some info there - don't ask him directly, but be on alert for him mentioning her name - could she be a work colleague?? Do you know anyone he works with? I found the more information I had, the more empowered I felt.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:53

I remember the first name. Not a work colleague. No idea where she comes from because Ive not heard her name before. I know some of the names of his colleagues but I have never met any.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:54

Thats how I saw the message it was a fb message sent through his google mail that he had left logged on.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 22:59

I have to start snooping in a way that can catch him.

Right now all I can think of is a private detective.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 23:02

I have to go. I will log on tomorrow.

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helicopterview · 14/07/2010 23:11

I don't think you can hide who your friends are on fb. Look at all his friends, and find the one with the matching first name.

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 07:37

Im back

I looked on his block of photos of friends but no girl of that name on fb. I just checked through his contacts and there is someone I hadnt heard of listed 3 times Tina1 Tina2 and Tina new. Now its possible that its a family member- he has a very large family but why he would need 3 numbers for someone he doesnt even mention is weird.

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