Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some balance- cheating.

147 replies

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 19:19

DP and I have been together for quite a few years and have young children. I am pregnant now. DP has been acting strange lately and I dont know if Im taking things out of proportion or seeing things that arent there.

It started about a month ago when Dp went out for a friends birthday and came back at 5am. This is really unusual for him as he usually gets tired/ fed up and gets back at about 2am at the latest. I called him that night several times as one of the Dc's seemed really unwell. He didnt answer. When I asked him why so late and why he hadnt answered the phone he said that he had left his phone in his car because he didnt want a bulk in his pocket. He was late due to some big run around dropping friend off that lives quite far. I felt suspicious( he always keeps his phone with him) but dropped it.

A week ago Dp said he was going out. When I asked with who, he got cagey and said " a friend." I asked for the name. He said someone I didnt know from his college days. Then gave me a name a had vaguely heard of. He said he was going to pop in. When I asked more he said he had planned to go with friends that I do know but he hadnt mentioned them at first. He could have said he was going out with the friends I know and I would have thought nothing of it. He went out that night and then came back late even though he was just "popping in".

I had a look at his googlemail-it was signed in and saw a message from a girl I had not heard of. It didn't say anything incriminating but it was a very recent message and I know he usually deletes messages- apparently but he keeps all the boring ones. He must have seen that I had looked and logged out of google but didnt confront me. He now keeps it logged out.

Today he said he had to take a friend to a&e at 6pm apparently this friend has back pain. This was all arranged at 2pm in the afternoon. I asked why 6pm if he needs to go to a&e surely he would need to go straight away. Said friend was at work/ noone to take him/ parking issues etc.later he said friend had taken himself to a walk in clinic.

I picked up his phone earlier to ring my phone - couldnt find it, and he seemed a bit panicked and asked what I was doing.

He keeps taking his laptop to the bedroom late at night after saying he is going to sleep- we have a computer in the sitting room. He has spelt his name differently on facebook and I cant think of a reason for that. He has pictures of our children although on a private setting but nothing to explain who they are and no mention of him being in a relationship. his page is private Im not really a face book user but I was curious so I asked to be invited on he took a day before accepting and then there was nothing really on his page at all.

My instinct is telling me that something is going on but I have absolutely nothing to go on just situations that could possibly be explained. Im not a paranoid person. I have never thought any previous partner was cheating on me or been hurt by a past experience. I feel like Im going mad at the moment. There was a similar experience in both my previous pregnancies weird reasons for going out/ going to see his family/ protective of his phone/ leaving room to take calls etc. I confronted him and he seemed quite genuine in his denial and I believed him. I dont know if its pregnancy hormones creating things or there is a pattern of behaviour.

Sorry I know most of this is rambling. Im not possessive or jealous. I dont cross examine him every time he goes out he can go where he likes with who he likes I only ask questions when he becomes cagey or says things that dont quite add up. I can see no reason for him to be so cagey.

OP posts:
CliqueOff · 15/07/2010 16:28

Since when has going to a party alone be okay for a man with a partner/wife and children? Surely he still sees himself as a single man.

There are many ways to skin a cat OP, if you can bide your time.

And good luck!!

ThatBloke · 15/07/2010 17:05

I would sit him down & tell him calmly that you are having a crisis of trust. Explain that as irrational as it may seem, or even prove to be, it's something that you cannot deal with & you need his help. After all, you are partners in this relationship.

Confess your feelings/reactions to the some or all of recent events you cite, as much as you feel comfortable with.

Explain that you may be a country-mile wide of the mark, but this is affecting you & you need his help to get over it.

If he genuinely has nothing to hide, he will eventually meet you half-way. If the defences go up, there will be something he doesn't want you to know. Could be a bit of flirting, an initial liaison, or the worst.

Have you considered What you will do if it is any of these?

Whatever you do, don't let things descend into a slanging match. Work out an exit, so you can remove yourself from the heat of any confrontation.

Difficult to do with children I know, but try to plan for this.

Do not throw anything at him. If he's straight on the defensive, you must take the initiative so things don't get heated, resist the urge (it can be overwhelming).

If he has any backbone, he will listen. Your objective should be for him to understand how this situation is affecting you, & making you feel, no matter how daft it sounds.

You of course must offer the same to him, if he has a point, even if it seems to you totally unreasonable.

There isn't a quick fix unfortunately, but keeping your head & taking the upper hand is your best shot.

Good luck.

GeekOfTheWeek · 15/07/2010 18:57

Doesn't sound good

ISDP · 15/07/2010 19:34

Having observed my colleague before his child was born I think his behaviour is largely normal and I would probably behave the same way.

by that I mean that in anticipation of my life as I know it coming to an end I would be quite likely to increase my social activity, going out with friends i haven't seen in a while and possibly even re-establish lost firendships.

Oh and I did get pretty upset the last time my girlfriend went through my phone. And it wasn't anything more than principal. Had she had ASKED me to play with my phone, I'd have no qualms in letting her.

Anyway, he may be getting carried away with flirting in an bit to hang on to his sense of not being on the brink on the biggest ocmmitment of his life. But I think it's a phase and he will quickly evolve into a good father.

HTH

Octobrrr · 15/07/2010 20:29

Thing is ISDP, the OP and her partner already have kids together - surely he should have got over the flirting and making the most of his "old" life stage with the first child?

OP - I can't give much advice, other than I was in an almost similar situation at the start of the year. After a lot of talking and soul searching my partner and I chose to give our relationship a fresh start and things have been better than ever before. I know things are different with you, but maybe sit on what your suspicions for now and keep watching, and as others have said he may trip himself up. Stay strong. xx

couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 08:07

I checked his phone and facebook again. Again it proves he is going out with friends although I dont know which ones. Nothing incriminating at all. Either he is innocent or very lucky/clever.

ISDP while I appreciate what you are saying about going through my partners phone but this really is a last resort. I know that if I confront him with no evidence he would deny anything was happening. I fully accept that it could be that he hasnt done anything wrong in terms of cheating, but in terms of our relationship he is not being open and very cagey.

Octobrr was your partner cheating or did you just suspect?

OP posts:
ISDP · 16/07/2010 08:28

Sorry I didn't realise this wasn't your first child, though I don't see it changing anything much. I sometimes go through periods where company of my partner alone is not enough and go out to catch up with old friends and make some new ones, 0preferably without my partner.

I would wait for stronger indication of something being off before I rock the boat. Sounds like the guy is dealing iwth his own issues and isn't hurting anyone, getting under his skin is not going to make him feel more love for you.

Octobrrr · 16/07/2010 08:44

couldbebetter - he wasn't cheating, but had been confiding in a female friend and I was uncomfortable with how close they seemed. We argued about it a lot and there was a lot of suspicion, paranoia and resentment. Without wanting to go into too much detail we managed to talk and sort everything out, and things have never been better.

Really hope you get some resolution to this - all this upset and suspicion can't been good for you. Take care. x

couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 18:52

He kept his phone on him all evening so I haven't been able to check any messages about tonight.

I asked him where he was going (I know that he knows because the text from his friend said they are going to his (meaning my dp's) favourite place.

OP posts:
couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 18:54

oops didnt finish-

he said he didn't know but I know he does.

OP posts:
couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 20:41

I managed to check his phone there are no new messages since yesterday so either he has deleted or had none. I remember him getting some messages this morning though unless they were service texts.

I only had a quick peek at fb nothing on there either.

He was getting changed in the bedroom. I went in and he jump up from the bottom of the cupboard like he'd been caught doing something. I had to leave the room and when I went back there was nothing there. He went to the bathroom in clothes so possibly has taken whatever it was with him.

I cant keep pretending that everything is ok. One minute I think he couldnt do it and sometimes I think he's playing games with me and knows Im on to him I feel like I dont even know him. Either hes this decent guy that is private or he is an bastard and he is cheating and has dome in the past (pattern of behaviour)

OP posts:
innerstrength · 16/07/2010 20:50

Right. When he is next out or at at work you need to look very carefully in ALL the cupboards. What could it be? Condoms is my first thought. Second hidden mobile phone? DO NOT let on that you are suspicious or are searching.

couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 20:53

He wont leave it where I can find it. If he is playing games he is playing very well.

OP posts:
couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 20:54

what I need is the thing that gets deleted texts back that will be the only way to catch him.

OP posts:
innerstrength · 16/07/2010 20:57

You can buy them in Maplins for about 40 quid. But they do not work on all phones, and are quite hit and miss. It also only gets back the last few messages; or even sometimes random old ones. You install a CDRom into your computer with the programme (so you would need to be careful he is not aware of this), then there is a plug in stick thing to go into the USB drive that you have to put his SIM card into. So you can only use it if you can get hold of his phone ie when he is asleep maybe.

couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 21:29

Hes gone out now and I feel sick. Should I have asked him to turn his pockets out? I cant live like this anymore.

OP posts:
whatthecrocodilehatwasthat · 16/07/2010 21:31

if you confront him now he'll tell you that you have an issue with trust, and that you're paranoid etc etc. So there's not really any point confronting a liar until you have evidence. Just hang on and see what you can find. He'll slip up.

couldbebetter · 16/07/2010 22:18

He wont. If he is doing it now he was doing it 5 years ago and I haven't caught him yet.

There is no way for him to slip up if he deletes incriminating texts/emails straight away. Im quite sure he doesn't have a secret phone or he wouldn't be so dodgy about the one hes got. I need to get onto his main email account but I have no idea of the password.

Im going to search the cupboard. but if he was hiding something He probably taken it with him.

OP posts:
commeuneimage · 17/07/2010 00:27

A cheater doesn't always use a mobile. Does he use skype? It doesn't leave traces (assuming it's set not to keep history) so is more adulterer-friendly than email or text.

couldbebetter · 17/07/2010 08:04

He stayed out until 4am yesterday despite telling me he wouldnt be out to late. I called him at 2.30 he didnt answer I called him at 3am he didnt answer 10mins later he texts to say he is on his way home. AM very pissed off that he stayed out so late after the last episode.

I checked his phone facebook and email accounts and found out the girls email was a work colleague from his old place. I saw the reply so nothing suspicious there but why delete from the email account? I also found out that it seems most the people on face book now he is with me and that we have kids- references in their messages)I also know tha he has a bluebook account since march atleast. He didnt mention it when I left the bluebook web page up in fact Im sure he acted like he didnt know what it was when I told him.

SO so far I have found out that the two girls are simply friends.There is nothing pointing to anyone else.

I just dont understand why he cant say where he is going and doesnt answer the phone- isnt that a cheating classic- to miss the call and text back? He had it in his pocket so he must have felt it vibrate and he said he would be reachable.

OP posts:
CelticBanshee · 17/07/2010 08:40

I haven't got an iphone but wonder does it save the message contacts like other phones do?

Have caught someone in the past with that, he had deleted any incriminating messages but I went into the text contacts and found 'her' number!

proudnsad · 17/07/2010 08:42

couldbebetter, have just read the whole thread.

I'd say he most definitely has a secret - secret life? - but have you considered it might not be another woman?

Hope you are ok, sorry for what you're going through. You must be in a state, hon.

fanjolina · 17/07/2010 08:59

Re the deleting email from google. Fb messages come through to your email as well as your fb account. I always delete them from my email, so nothing suspicious about that IMO.

ladylush · 17/07/2010 09:56

Been lurking. Sorry you are going through this. Actually though, regardless of whether he is cheating or not (and it does sound as though he is up to something)this is not a healthy relationship. You can't trust him - and he doesn't seem bothered about that. He wants to live with you but do as he pleases e.g. going out and refusing to tell you when he will be back. Several years ago my h used to go out with other women. They were work friends and nothing was going on but he used to get home very late (e.g. 3am) after a night out. I wasn't happy about it and used to ask him not to go but he would get angry and say he wasn't going to be "under thumb". Fast forward a few years and one dc later he had an affair with a work colleague. I didn't find out for ages because I was used to him getting home at silly o clock in the morning. He was only going out once a month so I didn't have much reason to be suspicious. Now, I could kick myself for being so stupid in the first place. I am strong and feisty and can't quite believe that I allowed him to dictate the terms of our relationship. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you are not happy with his deceit/secrecy you have to make a decision about whether you issue him with an ultimatum or continue living like this until you have proof (however long that may take). It's a horrible situation to be in

motherhugger · 17/07/2010 11:14

i can empathise with your situation, but i don't think you are going about this the right way. imho:

the fact that you suspect he is behaving inappropriately doesn't justify you behaving inappropriately. you aren't a prison guard and you shouldn't be snooping and spying on him. also, it isn't good for you to continue living like this.

you need to grasp the nettle and sort this out one way or the other. atm you have two futures: worrying that he is cheating but not having the evidence, or knowing he is cheating. either option is not desirable. you need to work out how you are going to get to a situation where you don't need to worry about this any more - hopefully in the confident knowledge that you can trust him.

someone early suggested that you should put your cards on the table with him, and explain exactly how you have been feeling. i agree. it might also be good to admit to snooping on him and apologise for that.

if you have a good relationship then he will help you sort this out. if you don't then he won't. you need to work out beforehand what you will do in the latter situation.

if he doesn't help you with this, i suspect you will just let things carry on in an unsatisfactory way. then you need to get used to having a bad relationship and spend your time making the best of your situation for yourself. there is no point in moaning about it.

if he admits to something then that would actually not be the worst option. it's a step towards fixing things and you should see it that way.

if he says there isn't anything to worry about and shows you his messages etc then you must make sure that's going to satisfy you. really, it might be worth thinking about agreeing some ground-rules for keeping things groovy in the future. it isn't reasonable for people to share everything - after all, you aren't sharing this discussion with him.

it's a nightmare living with a dishonest cheater, but it's also a nightmare living with someone that doesn't trust you and keeps snooping and being insecure all the time.

my best guess he is a cheater and he won't admit it and he will fob you off. i know you won't, but you should call it a day at that point, as otherwise you will never be happy.