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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some balance- cheating.

147 replies

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 19:19

DP and I have been together for quite a few years and have young children. I am pregnant now. DP has been acting strange lately and I dont know if Im taking things out of proportion or seeing things that arent there.

It started about a month ago when Dp went out for a friends birthday and came back at 5am. This is really unusual for him as he usually gets tired/ fed up and gets back at about 2am at the latest. I called him that night several times as one of the Dc's seemed really unwell. He didnt answer. When I asked him why so late and why he hadnt answered the phone he said that he had left his phone in his car because he didnt want a bulk in his pocket. He was late due to some big run around dropping friend off that lives quite far. I felt suspicious( he always keeps his phone with him) but dropped it.

A week ago Dp said he was going out. When I asked with who, he got cagey and said " a friend." I asked for the name. He said someone I didnt know from his college days. Then gave me a name a had vaguely heard of. He said he was going to pop in. When I asked more he said he had planned to go with friends that I do know but he hadnt mentioned them at first. He could have said he was going out with the friends I know and I would have thought nothing of it. He went out that night and then came back late even though he was just "popping in".

I had a look at his googlemail-it was signed in and saw a message from a girl I had not heard of. It didn't say anything incriminating but it was a very recent message and I know he usually deletes messages- apparently but he keeps all the boring ones. He must have seen that I had looked and logged out of google but didnt confront me. He now keeps it logged out.

Today he said he had to take a friend to a&e at 6pm apparently this friend has back pain. This was all arranged at 2pm in the afternoon. I asked why 6pm if he needs to go to a&e surely he would need to go straight away. Said friend was at work/ noone to take him/ parking issues etc.later he said friend had taken himself to a walk in clinic.

I picked up his phone earlier to ring my phone - couldnt find it, and he seemed a bit panicked and asked what I was doing.

He keeps taking his laptop to the bedroom late at night after saying he is going to sleep- we have a computer in the sitting room. He has spelt his name differently on facebook and I cant think of a reason for that. He has pictures of our children although on a private setting but nothing to explain who they are and no mention of him being in a relationship. his page is private Im not really a face book user but I was curious so I asked to be invited on he took a day before accepting and then there was nothing really on his page at all.

My instinct is telling me that something is going on but I have absolutely nothing to go on just situations that could possibly be explained. Im not a paranoid person. I have never thought any previous partner was cheating on me or been hurt by a past experience. I feel like Im going mad at the moment. There was a similar experience in both my previous pregnancies weird reasons for going out/ going to see his family/ protective of his phone/ leaving room to take calls etc. I confronted him and he seemed quite genuine in his denial and I believed him. I dont know if its pregnancy hormones creating things or there is a pattern of behaviour.

Sorry I know most of this is rambling. Im not possessive or jealous. I dont cross examine him every time he goes out he can go where he likes with who he likes I only ask questions when he becomes cagey or says things that dont quite add up. I can see no reason for him to be so cagey.

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KristinaM · 15/07/2010 08:17

i agree.

but don't you know all his family? at least all those he's in touch with? You seem to lead pretty seperate lives for a couple who have been together for years and have ( at least) 2.5 kids

and i dont undertsand your comment about your MIL. Are you saying that you and she don't have a common language so never talk to her?

i sense a back story here

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:11

No I dont know all his family he has cousins coming out of his ears. I know some but not all there are far too many and they live all round the uk.

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:11

I do want to know who Tina is though.

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:18

in a way we do live separate lives in a way. we obviously spend time together as a family and some time with his immediate family and mine, but his more distant relatives I dont know them they dont know me. I spent very minimal time with his friends because they usually do the lads night out thing. Not this last time that was for a girls birthday- all people from college by the looks of it. Maybe he would have found it awkward to take me along if everyone knew each other but why be so cagey about who it was??

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:20

oops I have put too many names in here. Still tired can I get some posts deleted? I have reported a post to mumsnet do you think they will delete it?

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maduggar · 15/07/2010 09:35

They will if you feel you have revealed too much personal info x

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PosieParker · 15/07/2010 09:41

Couples that have separate social lives that are alien to eachother run the risk of totally drifting apart,. Relationship for the serious mundane stuff and friends, outside of the relationship, for fun and happy times. It just can't work.

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:52

We have had some mutual friends in the past- other couples but his friends are all single and tbh quite immature. The good friends that I have had have moved away/abroad.

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 09:55

Now I dont know if Im being paranoid but he is being very free with his phone today saw me looking through and wasnt at all bothered, he even left it right next to me. does that mean he deleted all the messages call logs that were bad? He didnt realise I would check fb though.

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PosieParker · 15/07/2010 10:05

Sorry I meant to address the cheating thing....let it go for a couple of weeks and when his guard is down check again. And I am not blaming you for the no friends thing, at all, seems like your dp needs to grow up.

monkey9237 · 15/07/2010 10:48

Sorry you are going through this. Sadly it does sound like there is another woman involved here. He's certainly doing something that he doesnt want you to see or know about.

As said by others here, I agree its best not to confront him yet - he seems to have gotten wind of the fact that you are suspicious, so has cleaned up his phone, facebook etc and is 'letting' you see them, to put you off the trail.

You are not "going mad". This is part of the pattern, their excuses make you think that the problem is with you and that you are being unneccessarily paranoid, but you have good reason to be paranoid.

Please try and do some more snooping (I've only skimmed this thread, not read it all, so sorry if you are already doing this). Get together as much evidence as you can, phone, bills, statements, computer usage, etc a bit at a time. Ask him questions when he isn't expecting them, to see if he fumbles and you may catch him out.

I went through all this last year. Almost a year to the day, in fact. It was very similar to your experience (it follows a bit of a script, I have learned). I got as much info as I could together and it wasn't hard to find everything I needed once I started to look. I saw a solicitor for 30mins free advice and more importantly for peace of mind. I was able to speak to friends who gave me excellent advice - and you have been given great advice here.

Sorry if I am making it sound like a "done deal" about another woman being involved. I need to go now, but wish you luck.

rainyweather · 15/07/2010 10:59

Sorry - but it doesnt sound good.

I know how you feel, as ive been there too. As the ex wife or a serial cheat, i would advise you to, as much as you can, keep quiet and wait. he WILL trip himself up.
He will forget to delete texts ( been there!)
he will one day leave the pc logged on ( been there)
you might discover all sorts of things, like second email acconts, or even second face book accounts. You mentioned he his has got his name spelt differently, might be something to do with him having more than one account.

But ultimatley, and i know the need to know what he is up to is strong. It makes no difference, once you have proof go, and dont ever look back. because he wont change. and please, do not for a second blame yourself.

Shirleygoodness · 15/07/2010 11:01

You said he had spelt his name differently on facebook. Have you searched under his properly spelt name to see if there's an account? Even if there is, he'll no doubt have set the settings so you can't see anything of interest. Have you asked him why he's mis-spelt it? Seems odd to me.

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 11:16

No he has no other account. He barely uses the main one as far as I could tell.

I just snooped in his gmail account got his username and password saved. He has deleted that message from a girl that I saw the other day but it said nothing suspicious on it so why delete it. CAn someone tell me if you send a message through facebook does it go both to your email and your facebook page?

I also logged on to FB from my page and accessed his page through it. I cant see the status thing any more and I can see a bit more than I saw last time unless I wasn't looking last time but I couldnt see everything I saw when I was logged on as him from his iphone.

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 11:17

Well the thing about his name spelt incorrectly is that he sometimes spells it that way as people often mispronounce his name if he spells it the correct way, so most people think his name is spelled that way but he is also using his middle name as a his surname instead of his real surname.

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 11:25

So far I have found nothing- I have only confirmed that he was where he said he was when he went out and he was with a group of people. However he didnt tell me that it was a girls thing.

I have found nothing incriminating on facebook - when having access to everything so no real reason for him not to give me full access- I even checked the friends walls and found nothing.

However I have a hunch that he may have changed some things as I previously could see. It doesnt look as though he uses fb very much at all. I never see him on it. There were no messages from him on other peoples walls which seems to back up that he is an infrequent user.

I checked his dialled numbers and texts and again nothing and contacts and found Tina x3 numbers but not seen her name anywhere else.

The only suspicious things are the girls message that he deleted on gmail and the fact that he didnt say it was a girls thing he went to.

He has also said that he is taking his mum to a wedding on Saturday eve

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couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 11:31

Can someone please tell me how that gadget works that reads the deleted messages from a phone would it work on an iphone.

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LisaD1 · 15/07/2010 11:43

Do you think it's possible that he hasn't mentioned it was a girls thing as it just hasn't hit his radar as being important? I mean, in his mind, was he just out with his mates and the details of the host are irrelevant? Or that he think he will upset his pregnant DP for no good reason if he tells you it was a girls thing and makes it seem important?

There doesn't seem to be an awful lot of "evidence" that he is cheating, could it be possible that he isn't?

Can't you just ask him who Tina is?

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 11:50

I wouldnt have thought anything of it if he had said he was gong to a girls birthday thing but he got all cagey and wouldn't tell me where he was going.

LisaD1 it is possible that he isnt cheating but I need to know why he is being so suspicious. If he isnt then he has to be more open with me.

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KristinaM · 15/07/2010 11:57

sorry but i do think its very strange that a man goes out in the evening and wont tell his wife/partner where he is going

very immature

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 12:05

exactly Kristina- if its all so innocent why be so cagey. I dont harass him, stop him from going anywhere with anyone or give him a a hard time so he could have simply said "its XXXX's birthday I am going there with XXXX." I would have said ok.

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couldbeworse · 15/07/2010 12:31

i feel you pain so much and although I agree with the "must slip up someday" approach, you could nip this in the bud a lot faster if you took my advice.

Its a bit distasteful but check his underwear the night after he wanders off somewhere. Men leave stains in their pants when they get excited. You could spot these and know instantly what was going on.

let us know how you get on.

couldbebetter · 15/07/2010 13:03

Im such an idiot I left the name in the copied post Sorry MN towers.

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