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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some balance- cheating.

147 replies

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 19:19

DP and I have been together for quite a few years and have young children. I am pregnant now. DP has been acting strange lately and I dont know if Im taking things out of proportion or seeing things that arent there.

It started about a month ago when Dp went out for a friends birthday and came back at 5am. This is really unusual for him as he usually gets tired/ fed up and gets back at about 2am at the latest. I called him that night several times as one of the Dc's seemed really unwell. He didnt answer. When I asked him why so late and why he hadnt answered the phone he said that he had left his phone in his car because he didnt want a bulk in his pocket. He was late due to some big run around dropping friend off that lives quite far. I felt suspicious( he always keeps his phone with him) but dropped it.

A week ago Dp said he was going out. When I asked with who, he got cagey and said " a friend." I asked for the name. He said someone I didnt know from his college days. Then gave me a name a had vaguely heard of. He said he was going to pop in. When I asked more he said he had planned to go with friends that I do know but he hadnt mentioned them at first. He could have said he was going out with the friends I know and I would have thought nothing of it. He went out that night and then came back late even though he was just "popping in".

I had a look at his googlemail-it was signed in and saw a message from a girl I had not heard of. It didn't say anything incriminating but it was a very recent message and I know he usually deletes messages- apparently but he keeps all the boring ones. He must have seen that I had looked and logged out of google but didnt confront me. He now keeps it logged out.

Today he said he had to take a friend to a&e at 6pm apparently this friend has back pain. This was all arranged at 2pm in the afternoon. I asked why 6pm if he needs to go to a&e surely he would need to go straight away. Said friend was at work/ noone to take him/ parking issues etc.later he said friend had taken himself to a walk in clinic.

I picked up his phone earlier to ring my phone - couldnt find it, and he seemed a bit panicked and asked what I was doing.

He keeps taking his laptop to the bedroom late at night after saying he is going to sleep- we have a computer in the sitting room. He has spelt his name differently on facebook and I cant think of a reason for that. He has pictures of our children although on a private setting but nothing to explain who they are and no mention of him being in a relationship. his page is private Im not really a face book user but I was curious so I asked to be invited on he took a day before accepting and then there was nothing really on his page at all.

My instinct is telling me that something is going on but I have absolutely nothing to go on just situations that could possibly be explained. Im not a paranoid person. I have never thought any previous partner was cheating on me or been hurt by a past experience. I feel like Im going mad at the moment. There was a similar experience in both my previous pregnancies weird reasons for going out/ going to see his family/ protective of his phone/ leaving room to take calls etc. I confronted him and he seemed quite genuine in his denial and I believed him. I dont know if its pregnancy hormones creating things or there is a pattern of behaviour.

Sorry I know most of this is rambling. Im not possessive or jealous. I dont cross examine him every time he goes out he can go where he likes with who he likes I only ask questions when he becomes cagey or says things that dont quite add up. I can see no reason for him to be so cagey.

OP posts:
innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:56

call his bluff and say xxx can babysit?? Then you can always back out when xxx cancels at short notice.

innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:57

actually I take back that suggestion, as it is essentially dishonest and playing games, neither of which is good. Sorry.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/07/2010 20:57

No, please don't confront him. More later from me.

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 20:57

He knows we only have one babysitter - Family.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:00

Is it really extreme to hire a private detective. I keep thinking about it. There is no way I can find out otherwise- either he has nothing to hide or he is extremely careful.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:01

Half of me doesn't want to know if it is bad because I just feel that Im going to be alone forever. I would have to kick him out I couldn't forgive him

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innerstrength · 14/07/2010 21:03

Yes that is quite extreme, altho people do it. It also would be quite expensive. If you do want to go down the 'sleuth' route tho, there are much cheaper ways - ie devices you can buy to track what has been typed on his keyboard, plus something which can get back deleted messages from a SIM card (I wasted money on this tho as the fucker never put the phone down for long enough for me to try). They also only work on certain phones. I don't know how the keyboard thing works, but I've seen other mumsnetters mention it on here.

helicopterview · 14/07/2010 21:05

No chance to borrow a friend's babysitter? Or use one of those babysitting services which match you up with someone at short notice? Not the ideal childcare perhaps, but as a one off under the circumstances...?

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:06

He is very technical whereas I am not his job is in computing so I dont know if he has the computer protected or he would catch me becasue I dont know what I am doing. He has an iphone.

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:08

No unfortunately not because there is a reason we use family only (sorry dont want to sound cryptic but trying not to give to much personal info- have been on mn a while).

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KristinaM · 14/07/2010 21:16

have you name changed for this OP?

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:17

yes.

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Alouiseg · 14/07/2010 21:25

Sometimes it's best to give them enough rope to trip themselves up with. Stop looking at his stuff, stop digging and he'll be more likely to trip himself up.

Don't even quiz him about where he's going, don't call or text when he's out either.

The less you appear to be looking the more careless he will be. Can you log into his mobile phone account and check the bills online? Without him knowing obviously.

Playing the long game can pay dividends, if you can bear it.

loopyloops · 14/07/2010 21:27

Oh dear. It does sound very suspicious. I guess there are a number of routes you could go down:

a) ask him outright - he will deny, you are none the wiser
b) wait it out - frustrating, upsetting and not a stable situation for the family
c) leave him - but you don't know anything is actually wrong
d) forget about it - clearly not possible
e) become a super sleuth. My preferred option. I think you need to start a new thread asking for super sleuthing ideas.

loopyloops · 14/07/2010 21:28

By the way, are any of your mutual friends friends with him on facebook? They might not have the restricted access that you have, which might shed some light..?

KristinaM · 14/07/2010 21:28

you need to log off mumsnet each time then so he doesn't find out this user name

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:29

what do you mean Kristina?

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couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:30

No mutual friend full stop. I know some of his friends but they are his friends.

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loopyloops · 14/07/2010 21:33

hmmm...

Sleuthing ideas anyone?

KristinaM · 14/07/2010 21:35

if you don't log off mumsnet each time you are on, when you open up talk you can see your last user name. unless you have the password you cant post but you can search for posts by that user. so he could search and find these posts

you dont want him to know you are suspicious. if he is innocent it will cause trouble between you. if he is guilty he will just hide his tracks better. if he works in IT and is careful it will be hard to catch him out. especially if he is experienced

loopyloops · 14/07/2010 21:35

this might help

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:38

I dont think he would search mumsnet but I will log off just incase. He knows my real user name and password.

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loopyloops · 14/07/2010 21:38

or perhaps this?

KristinaM · 14/07/2010 21:41

why would he know your password? does he post as you on mumsnet? you should change your regular password NOW

couldbebetter · 14/07/2010 21:44

I would love someone to show me how to hack into his emails or phone account just so that I could try and catch a message before he does but then hed know- like his googlemail-He must know I read the message or he wouldn't have logged out. So if Im looking and he know he will just be more careful.

Funnily enough I found that website earlier loopy.

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