Spoilers - RnRN accepts (and recaps) Amex so you don't have to!

[RocknRollNerd]

As requested by someone on the Lillian thread herewith a recap of yesterday's Amex:

We start off a presumably swish (but not in the Jennifer sense) Montenegrin hotel one bright sunny morning. Possibly Monday or Tuesday as there are references throughout to TigerLily coming home tomorrow (ie Wednesday in Borsetshire). Tiger is up for some early morning snuggles but Lil continues to work her Princess Di being interviewed by Martin Bashir sad-face voice and rebuffs him. Excuses offered include the fact she's no longer 21 and it's early in the morning. Matt harrumphs (hopefully not a metaphor) and Lil excuses herself to the bathroom.

Some discussion a bit later on as to plans for the day, Tiger bitching and whining about Lil's mood, Lil PrincessDi-s that she's sorry, isn't really up for anything etc. They agree on shopping in town to buy souvenirs for myriad posh (ie not married in via a Blacksmith) Archers. All listeners twitch slightly in anticipation of convincing 'we're actually on location as it's Summertime in Amex' accents.

But no! We find out that Lil has bought Peggy some Pomegranate stuff (she hopes Peggy likes it, which lets face it is unlikely unless it can be used to poison Kiera, feed to the cats or bake into some scones) and Jennifer will just have to settle for 'a purse' as Lil has lost her shopping Mojo.

Tiger wheedles that he wants to buy Lil some jewellery and we finally get our Borsetshire Casting Central (TM) accent from a shopkeeper - he could be supposed to be Montenegrin, he might have been already cast when this plot was supposed to take place in Turkey or he may in fact just have learned his accent whilst watching that Doctor Who episode set on a Russian Submarine...it's really very hard to tell. Matt proves he's losing his business mojo by getting a mere 50 Euro off a 600 Euro necklace. Shopkeepervich throws in some extra irony for free about how the necklace must be bought so Matt can keep his beautiful wife

Cut to plot exposition scene set in a church just in case anyone happens to listen to Amex and not the Archers (FFS!). Lil is interrupted by a British lady (who I swear sounds like Anita Dobson when she's reminding us she's not just Aaaaaaannnnnnggggge and is a proper fox-bothering actress and everything - sadly however it isn't Celia turning all Single White Female). British Lady has a Montenegrin son-in-law and SHOCK! Horror! Montenegrin grand-children. Lil cranks up the PrincessDi-ing and explains that she lost someone very close to her who she loved, can't see how she can go on, can't talk about it etc.

Matt is cross and phoning Lil as he can't find her but gets voicemail...Lil eventually appears from the church and Matt clocks she's been crying. He suggests lunch, Lil declines and Matt strops off.

Cut back to the hotel with very little time left of the pod-cast so Matt is forced to engineer The. Big. Denoument. They bicker about why Lil is unhappy, she plays the 'I stuck by you when you were in jail card' and PD's about how it's all about Matt never about her....Matt keeps manouevering and asks her to just be honest with him....Lil tries to be dodge it but there's no escaping it, with mere seconds to go Matt drops the bombshell: he knows she was screwing his brother, he knows she was seeing Paul!

jingley jangley music and that's it until Thursday folks!

Oh you mean why has he decided to go into some Russian's property empire? perhaps he's soooo upset he's not thinking straight. Remember his judgement must be faulty because he was in nick wasn't he?

Ooh LOVE the alternate reality idea - The Archers does Sliding Doors kinda thing. Haven't listened to ep 2 yet. Shall I / shan't I?

Episode 2 begins on the podcast with the announcer informing us it was first broadcast on Radio 4 Extra...I believe he may have then skipped the bit of the script that said 'please tune into it please, there are folks who've just graduated drama school and need the accent practics'.

In a bar somewhere in Slavic-accentland, so let's assume we're still with TigerLily in Montenegro. Tiger is ordering scotch and Random Accentovich Chap (who sounds like a slightly camp Pavel if you need an audio description) has collared him and is talking about a $3000 bottle of scotch he bought and drank all in one evening last year. Matt escapes this thrilling tale and goes back to Lil who archly references the whisky and the early hour of the day so I think we can assume it's the morning after The. Big. Showdown.

Plot exposition between them gives us the following: Lil has a spa treatment and has reigned in the PD-ing a bit and Matt is being snippy, also they're flying home 'today' which places us on Wednesday morning Montenigran time.

Lil goes off to the Spa and Random Accentovich slimes up - he's in property too and clearly paid attention in his 'colloquial English' expression lessons. He mentions Matts wife and is put straight that she's Tiger's 'Business Partner'. Accentovich is apparently called Vitaly Kitroff.

The scriptwriters clearly went for a crash course in clunky allegory and metaphor before this episode as Matt explains to Vitaly that he was in Montenegro to get the lie of the land and was hoping to secure a deal he'd been working on for a while but it hasn't worked out. Vitaly calls his flunky (flunkski?) to get him and Matt more scotch and they establish Vitaly is Russian and in Montenegro to build a hotel. He has his fingers in many pies - developments in London, Russia, Kazakhstan, Montenegro - basically Vitaly has got his Gold badge from the I-Spy book of 'where do dodgy Russian Oligarchs launder their cash'.

Matt bigs up Amside and his luxury property deals but then has to spend a couple of mins explaining where Bortsetshire is which rather undermines his positioning himself as Donald Trump of England. He and his new bff toast Amside and talk about English and Russian history (I kid you not!). Matt references the TigerLily abode and then corrects himself saying 'I've' got a Georgian property - brave man mentioning Georgia to a Russian! Vitaly mostly lives in St Petersberg which it's apparently important for us to know and then invites Matt to come see his hotel (this disappointingly is not a metaphor!).

Lil's turn to try to ring Matt because she can't find him. She's more shrill than PD this time though - perhaps the old Lil will return...

Vitaly's Hotelovich is apparently 'uuuuge' and it transpires he owns the biggest yacht in the marina (again not a metaphor). He's keen to develop this part of Montenegro and turn it into the next Cote d'Azur.

Matt answers his phone and gets shrilled at some more; he's not having any of it and there's still a couple of hours before they need to leave. Matt metaphors to BFFVitaly that it was his partner and he's not sure how much more business they will be doing in the future and he's working alone. BFFV has projects he'd like to discuss with Matt...

Lil is snivelling at the hotel and goes all needy when Matt comes back about how worried she was. She's packed his case but apparently she needn't have bothered. Matt's not going back to the UK. Lil drags out the PD voice again to quiz Matt about BFFV and insists he (Matt not BFFV and Flunkski) comes home. She calls him a petulant child and he pretty much says 'wotevver'.

Lil self-flagellates a bit, Matt says he spent so long trying to cling onto what they had 'and as soon as Paul.....' Lil interrupts and Matt backpedals that he meant once Paul had died he decided not to say anything and they would get back to normal but they can't because Lil wouldn't be honest - there's an opportunity in Montenegro and he's going to take it.

Lil desperately clunks that 'Amside' needs him and he can't turn his back on it but Matt's not having any of it; he'll be a week or two. Amside can manage without him - Lil says it can't and then in case you'd missed the fact that this isn't really about 'Amside' Matt suggests that maybe Lil should have thought of this before she slept with his brother and in fact if it hadn't been for Amside he reckons Lil would have shacked up with Paul long ago.

Lil says she'll go back and then fails utterly to get one over on Tiger and gives him his passport back. She PD's that she does love him and always has and Matt wotevvers it right back in her face. Door closes and the jingle jangles wrap us up for this week!

YaaaY thanks ! do we reckon that Lil is free of him!! Will we find out tonight or will all the action continue on Ambex?

Thanks . I'm sure your recaps are much more entertaining than the actual program!
I managed to miss the excuses explanation for ambexing this plot on Feedback this afternoon - anyone know what they said?

Thanks for another brilliant summary. Sounds as painful as the last episode!

well grimma TA spokeswoman said she wanted us all to be 'comfortable' with both radio and computer broadcasts, downloads, podcasts etc. blithely ignoring that quite a large section of TA audience may not be at all comfortable with the B.B.\computer culture.

She was unable or chose not to answer very relevant points put to her by the presenter and a 'complainer'

Twit. I'm extremely comfortable with computers. I write software for a living. A bit of MNing during the day is OK but if I start plugging into podcasts, iplayer etc I'm doomed. I like the serendipity of radio 4 - sometimes I'll get TA, sometimes I might miss it, sometimes there will be some unexpected gem. I don't want to tune to R4X or listen on my computer. Anyway, if I did start getting into podcasts and iplayer there's a heck of a lot of other stuff I'd prioritize ahead of ambex.

Thanks for the recap! So Lil arrives home alone ...

Yes IKWYM grimma i'm getting on and I'm alright (not brilliant though) with the computer culture,There are not enough hours in the day to do what I want to do in RL even now (I'm retired) without getting into it all even more!

Thanks for the great summary, RnRN.
at flunkski!

Thanks so much RnRN, far, far better than any piddling podcast could ever be

Ok, prediction: Matt will get into hot water in Forrinland, either shady stuff that gets out of hand or (and this is my favoured one) kidnap and ransom by Meerkat Kitoff, hopefully in Kazakhstan. Lil will somehow save him and they will declare their enduring lurve for each other. The end.

Great recap! I was convinced that Matt had been lured to a building site to be murdered or mugged. I imagine he'll just have to endure a Russian mafia lifestyle for 2 weeks instead, and he'll arrive back in Ambridge with a penchant for vodka and meerkats.

ppeatfruit please explain the shopping picture?!

Sorry Jessie? I'm not with you?

Weird. Reading this on my iPad earlier, your post had at the end of it a picture of some hands reaching into boxes of food. I noticed it randomly pasted on to the end of people's posts on other threads too, and looked at the front of Mumsnet to see if it was some sort of "paste this picture on your talk posts if you support free school dinners" challenge or something. I then saw that the picture was the one that is on the featured "Food Banks" blog. However I'm now reading this on an actual PC and the pictures in the posts have all gone, so it must have been some sort of weird iPad glitch. Ignore me.

Oh dear Jessie is there a I can't remember the word something trying to get into our posts (i noticed that I've had to log in today which is not usual) I wonder if MN is aware of it?

Ok so I've come over here to say:

Is Matt going to lose all Amside's money with Meerkat Accentovitch?

Is Brenda going to become Matt's assistant in St Petersburg?

Regarding Matt - that would be the natural narrative assumption, but, as we know, things don't always go the way they ought....

But they do seem to have been quite clever (!!!) re Brenda. Two viable possibilities and no way of telling which way they're going to take it. I did pick up some hint of a Russian story for her, but I can't remember where....

No - my narrative assumption was that Lonely Cow would really have TB.

(unless Alistair has mixed up the paperwork and is about to drop a bombshell...)

I also wonder if Matt is going to loose all Amsides money, but i think hope Lil still has control.My monies on Brenda joining him

Passport!!! I'm seriously worried.

Apologies for the delay - been working crazy hours. Tuesday's Amex recap will appear shortly....

Well I was right about Brenda. If she makes it....
There is definitely meant to be something dodgy going on, but I think if they want their hands on Matt's money they will be sorely disappointed. Seeing as how it's all
Lillian's!

We're still in Montenegro. BFFV is showing Matt to 'the very best suite' in the hotel which has been booked at 'the family rate' as the hotel is apparently very good to them. A car will be coming for Matt and BFFV informs him 'you will enjoy this evening' - it's up to the listener how much menace they read into that one dear reader. They're off to a very exclusive galary.

Brenda calls Matt and basically rants at him, she doesn't know what's happening and Lils is in a vile mood and has been crying. Matt says it's not his problem and hangs up. Once he's hung up he mockneys: sorry sweet'eart I'm busy 'ere.

At the gallery - Flunkski is trying to get BFFV to talk to his dad - I shall call him 'Vladdy' as I'm discovering recapping needs names. BFFV doesn't want to and Flunkski points out that Vladdy won't like it - seemingly BFFV thinks he pays Flunkski to do what he's told whereas Flunkski reckons he's there to make sure BFFV does what Vladdy tells him.

Endless filler between Matt and BFFV both trying to make out they know about paintings. Also some sleazing over waitresses. One painting has caught BFFV's eye in particular, it looks like both fields and prayer-mats apparently so go figure. Matt says it looks like an old quilt. Apparently the painting costs the same as 'a top of the range motor' and is a bit Emperor's New Clothes according to Matt who then has to back pedal his motor as BFFV is thinking of buying the painting for the hotel.

Flunkski reappears with the phone - Vladdy is insisting on talking to BFFV...

A Slavic temptress comes along - she's called Tatiana but sounds like Caroline doing a Compare the Meerkat voiceover. There's some tedious flirting whilst BFFV seems to argue in Russian with Vladdy (we hear some 'nyets' and 'da papas'. Flunkski opines that Vladdy 'feels very strongly'. BFFV tells him no more interruptions and Flunkski menaces that BFFV won't be buying any art tonight as Vladdy was very clear about that. BFFV does his best Kevin the teenager and says he didn't want to in anycase, it's all rubbish. Flunkski is banised to wait by the car.

Matt sleazes that 'he knows what he likes when he sees it' to Tatiana. The euphemisms contine apace. Tatiana is going to buy the Prayer Mat field picture for her employer who is back in Russia - it apparently doesn't matter if he likes it, just that people know he's bought it.

Tatiana apprently knows BFFV when Matt mentions him - all the Russians out there know him. Tatiana compliments Matt on his accent and Matt offers to talk all night .

Tatiana and BFFV swap pleasantries and BFFV rubbishes the painting and then cramps Matt's play by telling Tatiana that Matt said it looked like a Granny Quilt. Tatiana gives Matt her card, Tiger is cardless but Tatiana assures him she won't forget him.

Matt and BFFV go off in the car as BFFV has something more interesting to discuss with him. Plans are made for food, fine cigars etc and talking in private.

BFFV wants to discuss a development in St Petersburg - luxury homes in an English style - all traditional with parklands, cottages, gardens oh and armed guards for that classy exclusive touch. Apparently this is what the wealthy folk of St P's want with particular emphasis on keeping 'ordinary people' out. Matt tentatively suggests his money's a bit tied up to invest but he could maybe free up some funds.

This however is not BFFV (and Vladdy's?) plan. Matt is to be a consultant to advise and ensure it's authentic (so presumably the guards will have flintlocks and muskets rather than Kalashnikovs). Matt is intrigued but says it's tricky as he doesn't usually work outside the UK - BFFV reminds him that he'd been planning to build in Montenegro. Matt is keen to find out more and BFFV invites him to St Petersburg and apparently he can bring a 'personal assitant' with him. BFFV promises Matt that 'Vitalky Kitroff does not disappoint'.

Jingle jangles and we're doneski - next stop maybe St Petersburg.