This agency's blurb epitomises everything I hate about 'for sale' adverts

[KievLoverTwo]

This one arrived in my inbox this morning.

Ten photos. Three of which are of no use to me whatsoever. Terrible quality too. The house actually looks like it could be quite nice, I would have liked to see more of it.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/86290923#/?channel=RES_BUY

Their blurb. I get that they're trying to sell a lifestyle, but I still find this crap infuriating.

How about you tell me about how old the boiler is, double glazing, what improvements have been made, or anything actually useful? Parents don't need to be told to keep an eye on their kids in a playground ffs! I don't listen to the radio, I like baths rather than showers, and I seldom drink tea.

Takes deep breath

Sorry, sorry!

This, from the cheapest house they've sold:

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/127985339#/?channel=RES_BUY

Find your cosy bungalow in the quiet street of Mallard Road. When family come to visit, the children can enjoy the playpark across the road whilst you enjoy a cuppa in the kitchen whilst keeping an eye out.

Arriving at your home, pull onto the driveway in front of your garage and get the bags inside from your shopping trip.

Stepping inside your home into the kitchen, flick the kettle on for a well-deserved brew whilst you unpack the shopping.

Enjoy your brew with a biscuit or two at the dining table which fits perfectly in the corner of the kitchen, overlooking your front lawn.

This is where you can come to enjoy some peace and tranquillity, with the radio on and the patio doors open on a warmer day.

I knew this would be Love Property

Omg is that actually the blurb?? That’s incredibly annoying and very poorly written. Why bother to write that? Embarrassing! If my agent put that up I would change agent.

So annoying!! I read all that in a breathy voiceover type voice. Love that they invited me to “freshen up” in the shower. I always struggle to imagine the lifestyle purpose of a bathroom.

I did wonder what they were going to write about the upstairs…. “And here’s the bedroom where you can indulge in steamy sex sessions with your delightful other half…”

They are great at taking very dull photos.

Some of the photos are totally useless and yet they there are not enough of the kitchen and where is the waterfall pond photo?

Hopeless.

How very wanky.

We have one that starts off with "Top ten things we love about this property" and another that includes lots of quotes from the owner - you know, stuff about smelling roses and watching the bees in the garden. That kind of thing.

Ooooh, that made me do an extra harsh lemon face.

What's your problem @KievLoverTwo ?

Don't you want to delight in the wonderful views from the South West facing garden? 😂

Inside find each room branching off your hallway, shoes off and car keys in the bowl on the console table before heading into the living room to the right.

Chucks keys on FLOOR
Defiantly heads towards KITCHEN

Chitter chatter commences whilst the food is prepared

'How was your day?'
'Fuck off!'

and to keep the conversation flowing you can sit around the kitchen island whilst enjoying the scent of food cooking.

Grabs 1 litre bottle of vodka, straight to mouth, no glass needed because I've read your bloody adverts!

oooh, they're making me so mad

Top Ten reasons to love this £165k dump:
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/131779520

It's just cringey and far too much effort to be putting into trying to flog a cheap property.

Here are some quotes (sorry, "insights") from the sellers:

Does it come with the scones?

Reasons to love include

1. Now requiring a little TLC - providing scope for general cosmetic upgrading.

What now?

Yes, a reason to love a home is because it needs spending money on it.

Where are they getting these people who write this crap? Is it because the bottom fell out of the Mills & Boon novel market?

1. Great to lock up and leave - there's no garden however, low upkeep leaves more time to get out and enjoy the things you like to do.

It has locks. God, I really love locks in a property. Not enough locks on homes imo. Let's lobby Government to roll out Locks For All.

I can't abide cheesy nonsense like this. When we employed an estate agent a couple of years ago, this is similar to what they wrote for us. I re-wrote the whole thing and made them use my description instead. They obviously liked what I wrote, as I noticed they were re-using it on new listings.

This is the perfect room for children or guests.

has locks on the outside of the door so you can lock the fuckers in

Property type: country house

Do they realise that "country house" does not just mean any house that is not in a town?

:D

Here's ya pond

Also, graveyard

https://www.onthemarket.com/details/4943225/#/photos/1

Wonderfully quiet and undemanding neighbours

I'm slightly embarrassed to say that our house's blurb when we bought it was written in (very badly done) rhyme. I can't C&P it as you could then find our house on google but it was along these lines-

Whether town or country, buzz or peace,
This lovely house will tick your boxes
Close to XXX for all your shopping
Then rural bliss with doves and foxes.
Four bedrooms, that's enough for friends,
And decorated to disarm,
You'll thank yourself you bought this place
Both urban fun and country charm.

Why would anyone do that? Genuinely nearly put me off viewing.

bahahahaha

and we have a winner

I applaud anyone who made it through the whole blurb. My eyes were rolling so far back, I just about made it to the end of the first paragraph.

The vendors are as much to blame for approving the blurb and the useless photos!

If you are ever feeling too happy and want to lose the will to live, read their other adverts.

So did I! They are very local to me, and as a prospective buyer I find their advertising blurbs nauseating (and SO badly written it makes me wince), and the photos frustrating (eg a photo of an artisan loaf of bread on the kitchen table instead of a photo of the whole room).

I hate that they don't include any of the facts I want to know about a property, it's just all this lifestyle tosh. To make matters worse, when you go to a viewing with them, they do the viewings rather than the vendor (which is unusual in this area), but they can never answer even basic questions about the property. So you get no facts from the advertising, and no facts from the viewing, and then you're expected to make a decision about whether you are interested in the property.

It's a shame as they used to be really good, I actually sold a property through them around 10 years ago, before they started trying to set themselves up as some sort of lifestyle brand. But I would never use them now due to the utterly cringeworthy advertising.

That's a shame. I wonder what made them turn to cringe?.

But mostly I wonder what is keeping them in business.

I want to see a picture of the “ Outside space - there is a small former privy set in a row of four across the road. “

So, no garden, and the outside space is just the privy?

If the house is one of 12 built in two parallel rows, why is there a row of four privies? Did 6 houses share them?