This agency's blurb epitomises everything I hate about 'for sale' adverts

[KievLoverTwo]

This one arrived in my inbox this morning.

Ten photos. Three of which are of no use to me whatsoever. Terrible quality too. The house actually looks like it could be quite nice, I would have liked to see more of it.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/86290923#/?channel=RES_BUY

Their blurb. I get that they're trying to sell a lifestyle, but I still find this crap infuriating.

How about you tell me about how old the boiler is, double glazing, what improvements have been made, or anything actually useful? Parents don't need to be told to keep an eye on their kids in a playground ffs! I don't listen to the radio, I like baths rather than showers, and I seldom drink tea.

Takes deep breath

Sorry, sorry!

This, from the cheapest house they've sold:

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/127985339#/?channel=RES_BUY

Find your cosy bungalow in the quiet street of Mallard Road. When family come to visit, the children can enjoy the playpark across the road whilst you enjoy a cuppa in the kitchen whilst keeping an eye out.

Arriving at your home, pull onto the driveway in front of your garage and get the bags inside from your shopping trip.

Stepping inside your home into the kitchen, flick the kettle on for a well-deserved brew whilst you unpack the shopping.

Enjoy your brew with a biscuit or two at the dining table which fits perfectly in the corner of the kitchen, overlooking your front lawn.

This is where you can come to enjoy some peace and tranquillity, with the radio on and the patio doors open on a warmer day.

Yep, sounds like it’s written for a child. So insulting. I would end up giving the EA a piece of my mind just for the sake of it

Oh god the 'lifestyle photos' that have become mainstream. Saw one today that was endless shots of the current owners 'coffee table styling' and several pictures of a cat on a wall.

The house we bought had some ludicrous description of how we would ''show your guests around your otherworldly orchard. You laugh as you point out the flourishing new age ecosystem and how it welcomes you in so you never want to let go. Your abundant produce now adorning your expansive kitchen island as you raise a glass to life's small pleasures'.

I've never done that given I warn any guests not to attempt to visit the bottom of the garden as it's a fucking swamp and nothing grows and the previous owners installed industrial lighting suitable for detailed medical procedures above the kitchen island so it burns out your retinas.

There's another local agent who creates florid write ups that make absolutely no sense that essentially cover up poor quality workmanship and lack of consent.

This house is no good for me. I want somewhere to smoke pot and watch blood sports…

Are the scones included in the inventory, I don’t understand.. but I blame Kirsty and Phil.

If they want to do a lifestyle type blurb, why pick something as deadly dull as returning home from the supermarket? Not exactly selling the dream...

Those photos remind me of the extreme close-ups of continental buffets and taps you get on booking.com. Useless.

As for the blurb, I don’t mind being sold to a bit and one paragraph setting the scene is actually quite appealing. Time to move on to the practicalities after that though - nobody needs a full cheesy narration like this.

Thank you for posting this. It reminded me why I chose our current EA, as opposed to one taking so-called 'wanky photos' such as these.
I absolutely cannot stand them!
Does the house come with the flowers and dining plates? No? Gtfo with those photos then! What a waste of time clicking through them

If they want to sell a lifestyle I'd like them to describe coming home from a night out with an Idris Elba lookalike with a perfect moral compass, dropping the keys and all our clothes on the hall floor then having fun on the kitchen island. Lets not faff around with talk of coming back from shopping and avoid potential anaphylaxis from the bees in the garden. Or, yes, the age of the boiler an the insulation standards. I'm trying to eat fewer scones because of health issues so those photos don't make me want the house.

Now you’re talking! 😂

I've read worse! Two things come to mind: how have they got away with uPVC windows in a Grade II listed house? Why is it rated G for council tax? The room dimensions are pretty big, but it's hardly a palace.

If they want to sell a lifestyle I'd like them to describe coming home from a night out with an Idris Elba lookalike with a perfect moral compass, dropping the keys and all our clothes on the hall floor then having fun on the kitchen island.

Certainly paints a different picture to ‘Imagine walking in with your shopping and then unloading your shopping and then making a cuppa whilst looking out of the window whilst enjoying your cuppa’…

Didn’t need to see the room pictures anyway.

FFS! Did the agents bring stunt scones or did they make the seller make / buy some

I think some EAs are trying to be more creative in their marketing, probably out of desperation.

In addition to the increasingly wanky blurbs, there’s a trend creeping in (at least where I live), where floor plans are including things like sheds, patios and communal bike stores, in an effort to make it look bigger. I’ve also seen flats described as having a terrace, when it was a small balcony.

The most shocking one I saw a few days ago, for a maisonette, where the blurb says ‘presenting over three floors’, but the third floor is actually a loft! A photo showed a typical and very messy loft, which was also drawn on the floor plan.

They must think potential buyers are idiots.

Omg I must tell my daughter about that “presenting over three floors”.

She has an attic flat with a ladder to the loft space. Or as it will be now be known, a flat presenting over two floors

@Twiglets1

Actually I just re-read the ad and it says presenting over three ‘levels’, not floors, but same thing! 😂

We need to remember the phrase for when she comes to sell.

If she wants all her viewers to think she’s a dick 😂

"an Idris Elba lookalike with a perfect moral compass" 🤣🤣🤣

I actually wouldn't mind him having a slightly imperfect moral compass tbh, @literalviolence

Scent of cooking? am I a bloodhound? aroma surely?
We (eventually) sold an unusual period stone house with the 5th ! agent. The first one described it as a “cute cottage” making it sound small and twee when it was a Tardis house - second one described the unusual rear south facing garden as having “room for a swimming pool” without considering all plant and equipment would have to be brought across two fields behind, flowery language, lies, didn’t mention total rewire etc.,
but these examples have set my teeth on edge !

My own family atm are selling an unusual property with a specialist agent but the photographs! one is of the downstairs cloakroom wall, upstairs pics have no light filter,
so hazy, all rooms look pinched, the spelling, grammar, syntax, awful.

@Twiglets1

Here’s the top level of accommodation on the ad I saw - I hope your daughter’s is just as nice 👌

Its always love property😅 I hate this too

It’s not even a life style. It’s having a cup of tea and putting away the shopping. I could understand more if it was sipping cocktails by your heated pool or talking a stroll in your own 3 acre orchard but having a cuppa is not aspirational for anyone surely.

I am recovering from Covid and the concept of “stunt scones” made me laugh until I coughed myself purple 😂

Depending on exactly how it was imperfect, I think you could be right. Some imperfections could add to the fun!

Cups of tea might be aspirational if electric keeps going up

''show your guests around your otherworldly orchard.

I'd be seriously peeved if it didn't lead to Narnia or Middle Earth.