This agency's blurb epitomises everything I hate about 'for sale' adverts

[KievLoverTwo]

This one arrived in my inbox this morning.

Ten photos. Three of which are of no use to me whatsoever. Terrible quality too. The house actually looks like it could be quite nice, I would have liked to see more of it.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/86290923#/?channel=RES_BUY

Their blurb. I get that they're trying to sell a lifestyle, but I still find this crap infuriating.

How about you tell me about how old the boiler is, double glazing, what improvements have been made, or anything actually useful? Parents don't need to be told to keep an eye on their kids in a playground ffs! I don't listen to the radio, I like baths rather than showers, and I seldom drink tea.

Takes deep breath

Sorry, sorry!

This, from the cheapest house they've sold:

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/127985339#/?channel=RES_BUY

Find your cosy bungalow in the quiet street of Mallard Road. When family come to visit, the children can enjoy the playpark across the road whilst you enjoy a cuppa in the kitchen whilst keeping an eye out.

Arriving at your home, pull onto the driveway in front of your garage and get the bags inside from your shopping trip.

Stepping inside your home into the kitchen, flick the kettle on for a well-deserved brew whilst you unpack the shopping.

Enjoy your brew with a biscuit or two at the dining table which fits perfectly in the corner of the kitchen, overlooking your front lawn.

This is where you can come to enjoy some peace and tranquillity, with the radio on and the patio doors open on a warmer day.

Very, very good point.

My favourite is poster ^ up there who posted advert to skanky 140kish property whereby they were trying to sell the door having locks as an asset.

Also, the rhyming one.

...to the dolcit tones of Ricky Martin's 'she bangs.'

Maybe we should start a MN Real People's Lives agency.

Grimace as the dog slings stinky pond water all over the kitchen cabinets for the fourth time this week; whilst you take time to wish you moved somewhere with Actually Good Weather, take time to marvel at how easy it is to clean your newly installed, porcelain kitchen floor tiles.

I'm going to bet the agency with that blurb are a bunch of sub Apprentice' candidates !!

Recently saw “with views over rolling countryside”. When I viewed it was one small field, some wind turbines and the busy A14!

There was a listing near me for a three bedroomed semi-detached bungalow with blurb that opened " 'Three-bedroomed semi-detached bungalow' hardly does justice to this property!"

It was a three-bedroomed semi-detached bungalow 🙄

Oopsie

someone mistyped views over rolling wind turbine

Ffs

The bungalow blurb is hilarious, it looks like a creative writing assignment by GCSE English lit students. Not very good ones if they can’t spell light. The writing style is like those trashy mags with their “slap up meals”.

I’m loving the idea of an aspirational visit to Asda, followed by carefully unpacking your frozen chicken into your integrated freezer before partaking in a refreshing cup of tea.

The sad thing is, I read the description and then looked at the photos and the property is nicer than the description would have me think.

They must think potential buyers are idiots.
Yes, that's exactly the impression I get, and it's very off-putting.
Then I email the agent asking for practical information about the age of the place, how many units in the building, body corporate fees and so on (I'm looking for a flat, not in the UK, but the same excitable 17-year-olds seem to be writing the descriptions) and they are very unwilling to provide any of it.
The big new developments are the same, but more expensively produced: pages and pages of the garden designer and the interior designer talking about their artistic vision, close-up photos of vases of flowers and baguettes, and still next to no practical information. It makes me feel I'm trying to buy a home from dishonest, stupid people who assume the same about me.

I purposely wrote the description selling my homes with useful things like school catchment, what was newly done, handy for the big roads and shops etc.

All this lifestyle stuff is insufferable.

The weird thing is, I came across a rental by this agency the other day and it had none of the useless guff and lots of useful stuff such as what you have said. The comparison is night and day.

So odd.

Didn't even get to the written description as far too busy wondering about the cushion accident.

And you know exactly when it was listed?

Full marks for investigation.

Fewer for understanding how listing works.

@VeniVidiWeeWee - you okay hun?

That it painfully wanky. However this is the first time I have ever read a description. Usually I only look at the pictures, floorplan and google maps.

This thread is hilarious. I'm in Ireland and these breathy descriptions have yet to reach our shores. I thought it was bad enough reading descriptions where every property "boasts" about its features, eg "this charming house boasts both a front and back garden" and you don't walk up stairs you "rise up the staircase".

You can laugh but I love a room that boasts a window.