How to muffle toilet noises?

[WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy]

Our bathroom is straight off the landing. When we re-did it the wrong toilet was delivered, but because one of our dc was in hospital at the time we let it go and the loo was fitted. It's a 'comfort' pan, meaning it's higher than normal for elderly people to sit on it easier. It also has no shelf inside. We've since found out that anyone doing a no.2 results in a thunderous splash as it's a long drop. This is VERY audible from the landing which our teen dc are horrified about. Replacing the loo is not an option at this point. I was wondering if I made a heavy lined floor length curtain for outside the bathroom door, do you think that would muffle the noise a bit & give more privacy? I'm imagining something like our gran would've had over the front door back-in-the-day?

Any other ideas welcome.

DH has suggested the 1812 overture with, er, splashes timed to coincide with the cannon fire

I’d like to add ‘Push it’ (Salt ‘n Pepper) to the toilet song list, as well as ‘Shake it Off’ (Taylor Swift)

They had a challenge on The Apprentice last year (or might have been the one before), where Karren noted with disgust that one team did a promo video in a toilet and chose Shake It Off as their backing music!

I quite like the sound of a 'comfort pan' it sounds dead cosy.

I quite like the sound of a 'comfort pan' it sounds dead cosy.

The problem is when one person's comfort pan becomes another person's toilet timpani.

I can't believe we forgot to include Blowin' In The Wind on our mixtape! Many apologies, Bob.

😂😂😂😂😂

Free Fallin' - Tom Petty

That is no problem as the bathroom has downlights and one of them is on a sensor so it comes on as you walk into the room. One is plenty of light for those night time trips. The radio does not come on at night.

‘Drop it like it’s hot’ Snoop Dogg?

That's a waste of water.

Way Down by Elvis. The bits when he goes really low would be a perfect opportunity to mask similar bass notes originating from further south!

That's already been said upthread.
Also chucking loads of toilet paper down is a waste of money.
In fact - have a compost toilet and put it all on the allotment...

He is a genius!

Surely most people’s bathroom goes straight off a landing , where else would it be . Just stick some paper in first and tell your children to grow up .

We've tried this and it doesn't work. The drop is too far. Unless you put so much down it blocks the flush, we've had that happen.

Why is a new loo not an option? Becauset this one is brand new & we can't afford to change it!

Seems like this thread has tickled everyone pink for a good laugh, but weren't not laughing. We'll probably have to rent a room to a lodger soon and there'll be no privacy. I'm being very plain and honest when I say the loo is really NOISY. It's horrible.

In fact - have a compost toilet and put it all on the allotment...

Just go straight in the compost bin in your garden and wait for a rumbly big lorry to pass by for the noisier parts of your performance!

Great idea!

Could you instal some form of sharp metal grid towards the bottom of the bowl to act like a mandoline (a pandoline?) - slow down and also chop your turd into much smaller, more manageable cubes, before letting them gently fall from a much lower height?

Got to be far less noisy than the full-height, full-mass depth-charge!!

I mean, everybody poos. Do you mean the upstairs landing? Surely not everyone is nearby every time someone poos?

I’ll be honest I’m not someone who worries about other people hearing me wee and poo.

Oops, I killed the funniest thread I've seen for weeks.

Just shout bombs away!
Or play the end credits of eastenders

What about holding toilet paper in your hand and catching the big ones?

Just shout bombs away!
Or play the end credits of eastenders

If you have the bodily control to be able to time your 'significant' drops perfectly to coincide with the duff-duffs, you deserve your own place on stage, with your name up in lights - support act to Mr Methane at the very least!