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How to muffle toilet noises?

138 replies

WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy · 28/03/2023 20:22

Our bathroom is straight off the landing. When we re-did it the wrong toilet was delivered, but because one of our dc was in hospital at the time we let it go and the loo was fitted. It's a 'comfort' pan, meaning it's higher than normal for elderly people to sit on it easier. It also has no shelf inside. We've since found out that anyone doing a no.2 results in a thunderous splash as it's a long drop. This is VERY audible from the landing which our teen dc are horrified about. Replacing the loo is not an option at this point. I was wondering if I made a heavy lined floor length curtain for outside the bathroom door, do you think that would muffle the noise a bit & give more privacy? I'm imagining something like our gran would've had over the front door back-in-the-day?

Any other ideas welcome.

OP posts:
AutisticLegoLover · 28/03/2023 21:16

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll back in the early 90s my then boyfriend told me his mate was into that 🤢

starfishmummy · 28/03/2023 21:16

Findyourneutralspace · 28/03/2023 20:49

@YouveGotToGrooveIt i think you’re local to me judging by your radio station.

I’m dying to know what goes on the poo playlist. Any suggestions?

"If you've gotta go, go now" (Manfred Mann)
"Go Now" (Moody Blues)

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/03/2023 21:16

And this is why the poo glove is such a good idea. No need for the dishwasher. Just a quick wipe over she’s good as new!

Such a waste of water. Just do some baking whilst wearing it - kneading pastry is well acknowledged as the ideal solution for nice clean finger nails, so it's just a tiny little step up from that to take the opportunity whilst you're making some delicious brownies.

Plus it makes you the Actual Real-life Star of the great old joke that begins "Why did the baker have smelly fingers?" !

Pudmyboy · 28/03/2023 21:16

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 28/03/2023 21:13

If you do decide to opt for music could I suggest the "Dambuster's Theme"?

I feel it would be quite fitting and any 'spashes' would surely greatly enhance the performance, one may even getting a small round of applause from any waiting queue.

😂😂😂

northernsquirrel · 28/03/2023 21:18

Please can this go into classics!

LulooLemon · 28/03/2023 21:19

@Maireas Every day is a school day. Or a stool day. 🤣🤣🤣

Snugglemonkey · 28/03/2023 21:20

I am with the DC. This would really bother me. Is it the only toilet? Honestly, I would be banning poos in there until it was fixed (unless it is the only toilet obvs).

Findyourneutralspace · 28/03/2023 21:20

Dambusters 🤣

Accompanied with family eye goggle gestures, I hope? I’m just picturing you all
lined up on the stairs…

RosesAndHellebores · 28/03/2023 21:22

I second northernclassics this is hilarious.

I'm not sure what's more shocking the splash or that the op doesn't have two loos. Surely downstairs is for wees and upstairs for poos - unless it's an enauite wherein MNet has a whole rule book for pooping.

AutisticLegoLover · 28/03/2023 21:22

Maybe fit a chute to the bowl from under the seat to beneath the water line. Line the chute with oil of some description and the shit will shoot down the chute like greased lightening and under the water line helping to eliminate the smell because the oil will form a barrier on top of the water and also around the poo.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/03/2023 21:23

A number 3 is a 1 and a 2 at the same time. 1+2=3. My 8 year old asked if I knew what a number 3 was and he was most impressed I got it right.

Ah, thank you! Also known as going for a 'double-drop stop'.

If you do decide to opt for music could I suggest the "Dambuster's Theme"?

The 1812 Overture would work well too - complete with cannon - for if the delivery occurs in 'blustery' conditions.

But if we're staying with the pop music, how about Everything Must Go by the Manics?

Toomanycreatures · 28/03/2023 21:23

I thought a number 3 was a wank?

Tantric · 28/03/2023 21:24

Construct a small slide to fit inside the pan. It's practical and a fun solution for the whole family.

ResisterRex · 28/03/2023 21:25

You're just gonna have to do all your poos when you're out. Problem solved.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/03/2023 21:26

Maybe fit a chute to the bowl from under the seat to beneath the water line. Line the chute with oil of some description and the shit will shoot down the chute like greased lightening and under the water line helping to eliminate the smell because the oil will form a barrier on top of the water and also around the poo.

#domesticlogflume!

Oakbeam · 28/03/2023 21:27

Perhaps provide a trumpet or similar for people to play while they are in there.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/03/2023 21:28

Perhaps provide a trumpet or similar for people to play while they are in there.

Or at least claim they were playing.

Newnamenewname109870 · 28/03/2023 21:29

WilsonMilson · 28/03/2023 20:41

Can we make ‘poo curtain‘ the new ‘penis beaker’? Grin

POO CURTAIN! Omg.

Sometimes it takes a few flushes anyway so actually the first flush when it’s coming will take some out.

Siepie · 28/03/2023 21:30

Toomanycreatures · 28/03/2023 21:23

I thought a number 3 was a wank?

I thought it was vomiting!

PonkyPonky · 28/03/2023 21:32

What you need is a hot cross bun. Not the Easter treat kind. The kind where you lay some toilet roll across then some more the other way to make a cross shaped poo catcher

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 28/03/2023 21:32

Mifflesniffle · 28/03/2023 20:43

Find a designated poo glove. Catch the poo upon exit and place gently into the bowl. No splash!

OMG. Gold.

Ishacoco · 28/03/2023 21:33

Poo curtain!! I'm dying!

soundsofthesixties · 28/03/2023 21:33

'Poo hammock'
🤣🤣

Meredusoleil · 28/03/2023 21:35

This thread is hilarious (and very educational at the same time) 😂

Mummyof287 · 28/03/2023 21:35

Maireas · 28/03/2023 20:25

Just before you go, flush the toilet. The flushing covers the sound.

I do this in public loos, if someone else is in the cubicle stalls 👌🤣