How to muffle toilet noises?

[WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy]

Our bathroom is straight off the landing. When we re-did it the wrong toilet was delivered, but because one of our dc was in hospital at the time we let it go and the loo was fitted. It's a 'comfort' pan, meaning it's higher than normal for elderly people to sit on it easier. It also has no shelf inside. We've since found out that anyone doing a no.2 results in a thunderous splash as it's a long drop. This is VERY audible from the landing which our teen dc are horrified about. Replacing the loo is not an option at this point. I was wondering if I made a heavy lined floor length curtain for outside the bathroom door, do you think that would muffle the noise a bit & give more privacy? I'm imagining something like our gran would've had over the front door back-in-the-day?

Any other ideas welcome.

Japanese toilets have a button for music and also a button that plays a fake flushing sound 😂

What's a shelf inside a toilet?

Following for ideas to give to my upstairs neighbour that enjoys a thunderous poo at 6am every morning.

Buy thin paper from the pound shop specially for pre lining loo

Not much help to you, OP, but it's what your post reminded me of. Sonos in the loo and play "Under Pressure" and "Push It" on full blast when anyone's in there?

Also Free Falling by Tom Petty, Let It Go from Frozen, Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple (maybe just for the morning after curry night), anything by Lou Rawls or The Waterboys - there must be more!

You need Ring of Fire for after a curry, surely?

What's a shelf inside a toilet?

I presume it's like the standard German ones. The poo falls right on to the shelf at the back, allowing you to check for signs that all is well with your bowels, before you say your final farewells and give it a dignified send-off.

Get a plastic mixing bowl type bowl. Place in the toilet so it's above the water line. Catch the point in the bowl, remove bowl, gently put poo into the toilet. Place pop bowl in dishwasher with toilet brush and poo knife next time they're due to go in. Tricky if you're prone to doing a number 3 be wise you'll still get a splash but just train yourself to do the number one first before placing the poo bowl in the toilet.

Bubble wrap or some kind of poo hammock might work too.

I'm joking obviously.

You need Ring of Fire for after a curry, surely?

Indeed! I also actually think that Van Morrison's Into The Mystic might provide quite a poignant, heart-rending moment as you flush.

Tricky if you're prone to doing a number 3 be wise you'll still get a splash but just train yourself to do the number one first before placing the poo bowl in the toilet.

What's a number 3? Are we talking Bristol Stool Chart rankings?

You are very naughty, trying to get MN readers upset like that! Somebody will tell you off the water wastage in your dishwasher 😉

Every day is a school day. Or a stool day.

And this is why the poo glove is such a good idea. No need for the dishwasher. Just a quick wipe over and she’s good as new!

🤣🤣

Just accept it and let it go

Cough every time it's about to drop 😂

I live on my own so it's not a problem.

Every Time You Go Away You Take A Piece Of Me With You must surely also feature on the Manure Mixtape.

I just had a thought, going back to the old thread about the postman who stopped off at a house on his round every morning to observe the lady of the house doing.... something.... into a Pyrex bowl on a glass table whilst he lay under the table.

I'm feeling so guilty now for assuming that this kind, doughty community minded doctor-postman was a mucky pervert, when it's now so clear that it was simply their way of making do manually until the lady could manage to save up for a proper German toilet, complete with inspection shelf.

A number 3 is a 1 and a 2 at the same time. 1+2=3. My 8 year old asked if I knew what a number 3 was and he was most impressed I got it right.

Get an extractor fan fitted, ours makes an absolute racket!

If you do decide to opt for music could I suggest the "Dambuster's Theme"?

I feel it would be quite fitting and any 'spashes' would surely greatly enhance the performance, one may even getting a small round of applause from any waiting queue.

Make a poo cradle - toilet paper down first to catch it

Wouldn't that trap the pong forever?

All Things Must Pass - George Harrison