How to muffle toilet noises?

[WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy]

Our bathroom is straight off the landing. When we re-did it the wrong toilet was delivered, but because one of our dc was in hospital at the time we let it go and the loo was fitted. It's a 'comfort' pan, meaning it's higher than normal for elderly people to sit on it easier. It also has no shelf inside. We've since found out that anyone doing a no.2 results in a thunderous splash as it's a long drop. This is VERY audible from the landing which our teen dc are horrified about. Replacing the loo is not an option at this point. I was wondering if I made a heavy lined floor length curtain for outside the bathroom door, do you think that would muffle the noise a bit & give more privacy? I'm imagining something like our gran would've had over the front door back-in-the-day?

Any other ideas welcome.

Holy Shit!

I'm just imagining coming out of the loo, getting tangled up in the poo curtain and tripping over the poo excluder.

We just put some toilet roll down each time lol x

It's called a "splashguard" and it involves the careful laying of 2 sheets of loo roll in the loo suspended just above the water line to softly cushion the poo on impact. How do people not know this!?

1 sheet does plenty ....

This must be one of the best threads ever.

I just liberally sprinkle some cat litter in the pan first. Et voila no splash! Sorted.

This is better than the family cloths!

This thread is what MN is all about.

That made me laugh out loud!

We have a radio in our bathroom, it comes on when we turn on the light. The sound of the radio masks any other noises.

https://www.spoonflower.com/en/fabric/12117710-small-scale-shit-happens-poop-emoji-funny-sarcastic-adult-humor-rude-dogs-cats-by-kristeninstitches

Some fabric to make the curtain.

No quiet midnight trips to the bathroom in your house then? I guess you either take a torch or have a disco.

I really hope you don’t warn guests about this so they shit themselves (loudly and without a glove/bowl etc) when putting the light on.

What I think you need OP is a poo shoot - like a she-pee but for poos.

You need to get yourself a short length of piping - you could probably ask your local soft play centre - they’ll have had some rogue toddler turds and will be sympathetic

Bring the piping home, sit on the loo (knickers on of course!) and ask your husband to measure the distance from bottom to water, and cut with the DIY nouse for which I am sure he is well known.

The Lon fill a plant mister with a combination of 25% oil and water and keep it by the loo.

When poo time comes you spray the interior of the piping (3 good sprays like for salad when on a diet), then put the piping into position and the 💩 will slide happily into the water with nary a splash.

It will also provide an excellent talking point for guests and passing tradesmen.
Someone makes a living out of the she-pee, you can point out to them, as they wonder at your ingenuity.

If you put 2 squares over the aperture and then 2 squares over it in the other direction forming a cross, you’re making a kind of poo hammock and only using 4 squares. That’s not ridiculously wasteful, right ? (Pardon the pun)

Do people hang out on your landing ? In our house we tend to spend times in the rooms not the landing.

Our loo is a standard one, no shelf, off the corridor and it's never even occurred to me to be self conscious.

Does putting toilet paper in before going help muffle?

jeez our regular toilet causes enough of a noise with our household 😂

DH is literally like dambusters

why is a new loo not an option?

I take it you never turn the light on in the middle of the night? I have three sons and it was never pleasant sitting down into their wee covered toilet seat while toilet training age late at night.

Please add "the sound of silence " by Simon and Garfunkel to the poo play list.

On another note my In-laws have got a really old toilet and it has a poop shelf like a German toilet. All your shit lands on this shelf, I find it so intriguing when I look, it’s like flipping eck all this shit came out of me 😂

adds Gravel Pit by the Wu (Poo) Tang Clan to the playlist

You could do a Count Arthur Strong and bang a metal pan lid with a spoon when you go!

I’m wetting myself laughing reading this thread. Off to the loo now…

I’d like to add ‘Push it’ (Salt ‘n Pepper) to the toilet song list, as well as ‘Shake it Off’ (Taylor Swift)

I second the suggestion of installing a noisy extractor fan.

Hilarious thread, OP!