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Original poster

Dream house dream kitchen anti-climax

111 replies

PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 13:31

So finally it’s time to buy our ‘dream home’ and renovate it and get the dream kitchen and …I feel depressed. We’ve been married for 30 years and lived in a fairly okay small starter home with garage and had two boys, struggling with our kitchen diner and eventually stopped entertaining family and friends because everything’s so cramped and messy now. Just shoes and books and toys everywhere.

I don’t want to move. We got the keys this week and DH is so happy. I was part of this process! I liked the house too! And we’ve been to some kitchen places and talked about designs.

But I just want to curl up and sleep for a very long time. I barely cook anymore just fast healthy meals whatever the boys like.

i’ve never had a dishwasher (no space) no tumble dryer and now I am angry that I will be too tired and old to entertain and have friends round and cook. I wanted this YEARS AGO! In my twenties! (I’m 47 now) And DH was always investing in some other property or restaurant or business that made sense at the time and now I want to just say I give up on the original dream. It’s not even a dream anymore. The dream kitchen. I don’t even have friends that entertain anymore.

I can’t imagine having even a single person round to eat because the boys are so exhausting with after school clubs and exams and piano lessons and I don’t even enjoy cooking. Mostly on my healthy eating plan and at the gym.

I feel like a teenage drama queen. I hate it. It’s been two days and I refuse to visit the house. I am / was a great cook, and had plenty of dinner parties before my kids were born. He thinks we’ll be entertaining like that again.

We are now on totally different wavelengths. I feel so tired even thinking about having family and in laws round. Lockdown was great for me because I finally stopped entertaining and realised how much I hate washing up and how easy it is to just be me and the two boys and dh.

When do I say, maybe we just buy three dishwashers and get the just-eat app and be done with it. Save ourself tons of money.

It’s been an extra exhausting week with mock exams and I have a sick 7 year old with coughing bug, is that why I feel like this or do I need to put my foot down.

I would rather have more holidays than spend on a house.

OP posts:
Littleflowerseverywhere · 02/03/2023 13:36

I think it sounds like depression, have you spoken to a doctor? Also get your bloods checked

plus you say you’re in a healthy eating plan and going to the gym, could you be over doing it?

It reads like something is wrong. 47 isn’t exactly old.

AllTangledUpInThisTango · 02/03/2023 13:43

It doesn’t sound like depression to me. It sounds like exhaustion - perfectly reasonable at this stage in life (from what it sounds like).

If it helps, which it won’t because it never does and it still feels such a long time and a never-ending slog, it will ease a little in some ways when your youngest gets just a bit older.

Your life isn’t over and you likely won’t feel this way forever - there is hope.

Change is nerve-wracking and stressful, too, no matter how much one part of us might want it (or might have wanted it) which will be part of this too.

You’ll have time to slowly build a new life, at a pace that feels right to you.

Definitely get two dishwashers. Seriously.

AllTangledUpInThisTango · 02/03/2023 13:48

It’s also perfectly likely that you’re no longer the person you were when you started out building this dream with your DH all those years ago. If your personal priorities have changed that’s okay. If you’ve learnt a bit more about who you actually are in the past couple of years, that’s okay too.

There’s also a possibility that this is who you are right now, in the circumstances you’re in right now. Work with that instead of who you were/who you might be in the future.

Take some time get settled into your new situation. Don’t think too much. Rest a bit instead (where you can).

TheTeenageYears · 02/03/2023 13:49

It sounds like peri to me. I get where you are coming from though - the holy grain dream which now feels like a shroud. I think maybe a trip to the GP might be in order.

TheTeenageYears · 02/03/2023 13:50

*holy grail

AllTangledUpInThisTango · 02/03/2023 13:52

(Must add that of course it could be depression too!)

If you do go to the GP as pp have suggested, do make sure they don’t automatically fob you off with depression/anxiety.

It could very well be peri-menopause and HRT might help.

AllTangledUpInThisTango · 02/03/2023 13:53

holy grain

Made me laugh - healthy eating version! Grin

ChateauMargaux · 02/03/2023 14:04

Having your dream house doesn't mean you have to entertain... you could have friends round for pizza or you could just enjoy the space with your children.

And yes... it could be exhaustion, depression, perimenopause, hormone imbalance, vitamin / mineral deficiency ... all of which you could look into..

But for now... do things that make you happy...

Ihavedogs · 02/03/2023 14:08

ChateauMargaux · 02/03/2023 14:04

Having your dream house doesn't mean you have to entertain... you could have friends round for pizza or you could just enjoy the space with your children.

And yes... it could be exhaustion, depression, perimenopause, hormone imbalance, vitamin / mineral deficiency ... all of which you could look into..

But for now... do things that make you happy...

This ⬆️

AllTangledUpInThisTango · 02/03/2023 14:09

Ihavedogs · 02/03/2023 14:08

This ⬆️

Show quote history

That sums it up nicely!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/03/2023 14:15

You are going to be so so much happier with a dishwasher. Train the boys to load it and unload it too.

Don’t even think about anything beyond getting unpacked and settling in. Then think about cookery school for the kids ( and perhaps DH as well)

And get a wine fridge.

AdventFridgeOfShame · 02/03/2023 14:17

How old are the boys?
They will grow up and in theory become easier.

Peri menopause, how erratic have your periods become? Have you thought about HRT?

I'm ten years older than you and entertain. Good friends, simple but good food and wine, who cares if the utility room locks like something exploded - nobody worth inviting cares.

Moving house is stressful, very stressful. Try and be nice to yourself and teach the boys (including DH) how to cook, share the load.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 15:07

My periods are pretty regular. I have an app that I log it into and I’m mostly 26 days more or less. No terrible PMT but never had that before, still can run on days I am on my period. And I am usually pretty happy and energetic though shattered at night ! which I write down lol so that I remember it into my ‘symptoms’ on the app.

Is it my hormones? I just feel so overwhelmed.

I think I’m so angry that we didn’t do this earlier when we were younger and had that whole circle of friends and family and dinner parties. We just don’t entertain anymore. I want to blame DH for it because he never agreed to get an extension for the house we live in currently (which I LOVE!) That would have been perfect and we should have done that ten years ago but we could never agree if we were going to stay. I’m pissed off and in a bad strop about this whole move.

OP posts:
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 15:09

Boys are 16 and 7

OP posts:
Littleflowerseverywhere · 02/03/2023 15:28

But could you have afforded it then? Ten years ago?

I don’t think this is fair to your family. You need to be mature, you were part of rhe decision, you can’t now decide not to visit the house and mae what should be a fantastic time for everyone fucking miserable

TheToothofaPig · 02/03/2023 15:40

Believe me, you will welcome the bigger house as you enter full blown menopause. Lots more rooms to hide from everyone when the full blown life rage takes a hold. Find a nice room with the best light and make it yours. Forget about entertaining and cooking. Think about your needs and make this new house fit around those, as well as your family's needs (of course...).

I also think you're entering that age where you do start to think a lot about regrets in life. I know I do. There are many decisions I wish I had made differently 10 years ago. But it will eat you alive if you stay in regret mode.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 15:42

I know. I’m being some sort of drama queen! I have thankfully not aired my views this is why I’m saying it on here! I need a slap round my face or something so I came on mumsnet! DH has worked so hard to get this as fast as possible to chasing up solicitors and has builders and friends all lined up to help. I was sort of reluctant the whole way because we had saved up the money and got the permission to get the extension done where we live. And then the house on the street we liked came up. It all went through really fast as well.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 02/03/2023 15:46

this is why I find the whole ‘waiting to get a dream house’ thing so weird. Being able to afford a safe home in any form is such a privilege. I live in a tiny flat and I’m grateful for it - you can’t live life waiting to move to a massive house.

userxx · 02/03/2023 15:46

Is it my hormones? I just feel so overwhelmed.

Peri.

screamingj · 02/03/2023 16:50

My friend eats off paper plates. They go in the bin after. I was Shock when I first saw it. She hates washing up.

SollaSollew · 02/03/2023 17:12

I'm the same age as you and peri-menopause made me exhausted and either despondent or angry depending on the day. HRT has made a massive difference to how I feel, I was spending whole weekends on the sofa not feeling like doing anything and I don't think my experience was that extreme talking to my friends. So definitely worth having it checked out.

Change is also really hard and there are regular threads about people who have bought what they thought on paper was their dream house then struggle with the transition. The advice is usually to give it time and make it your own which would apply if you rule out everything else.

However, the only thing I'd add is that rather than not airing how you feel it might be wise to discuss it with your husband. Kindly it sounds like you might have some resentment for the decisions he's taken over the long term that haven't always reflected your priorities and that's coming to the surface now that you've supposedly to be happy for having "everything you've always wanted".

Whatever the cause, it's ok to feel how you feel and you shouldn't have to pretend to feel a way that you don't.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2023 17:14

It's peri-menopause kicking your arse, no doubt about it.

Ihavedogs · 02/03/2023 17:36

PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 15:07

My periods are pretty regular. I have an app that I log it into and I’m mostly 26 days more or less. No terrible PMT but never had that before, still can run on days I am on my period. And I am usually pretty happy and energetic though shattered at night ! which I write down lol so that I remember it into my ‘symptoms’ on the app.

Is it my hormones? I just feel so overwhelmed.

I think I’m so angry that we didn’t do this earlier when we were younger and had that whole circle of friends and family and dinner parties. We just don’t entertain anymore. I want to blame DH for it because he never agreed to get an extension for the house we live in currently (which I LOVE!) That would have been perfect and we should have done that ten years ago but we could never agree if we were going to stay. I’m pissed off and in a bad strop about this whole move.

Not saying you are in peri, but you can still be in peri when having regular periods. My periods were regular for over a couple of years but I did have other peri symptoms.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 18:14

I was thinking it’s my sons GCSE mocks lol

I will go for a blood test ladies it could be that. I mean I wouldn’t have even thought of moving to a bigger house I’m more like a hobbit that would have extended the house we’ve got, but stayed where we’ve always lived.
I mean I was absolutely fine until we picked up the keys on Tuesday, and entered the house for the first time just by ourselves. Empty, no memories.
And my heart just sank.

OP posts:
FKATondelayo · 02/03/2023 18:24

I think for our generation growing up 'dinner parties' were such a big expectation - maybe it was This Life and Friends Grin. The middle class dream is to clear the Saturday Guardian supplements off the large Heals dining table and serve up fresh fettucine in bowls we brought back from the Peruvian jungle during our gap year to our array of witty media friends and their Boden catalogue children.

Then the reality that middle class salaries do not stretch to large open plan kitchen diners with tables to seat 16 and a mini wine cellar. I gave up on 'entertaining' and instead go to restaurants.

What I'm trying to say is your probably having an existential midlife crisis about life not turning out like New Labour promised us in the 90s. Get the JustEat App.