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Original poster

Dream house dream kitchen anti-climax

111 replies

PicnicBunny · 02/03/2023 13:31

So finally it’s time to buy our ‘dream home’ and renovate it and get the dream kitchen and …I feel depressed. We’ve been married for 30 years and lived in a fairly okay small starter home with garage and had two boys, struggling with our kitchen diner and eventually stopped entertaining family and friends because everything’s so cramped and messy now. Just shoes and books and toys everywhere.

I don’t want to move. We got the keys this week and DH is so happy. I was part of this process! I liked the house too! And we’ve been to some kitchen places and talked about designs.

But I just want to curl up and sleep for a very long time. I barely cook anymore just fast healthy meals whatever the boys like.

i’ve never had a dishwasher (no space) no tumble dryer and now I am angry that I will be too tired and old to entertain and have friends round and cook. I wanted this YEARS AGO! In my twenties! (I’m 47 now) And DH was always investing in some other property or restaurant or business that made sense at the time and now I want to just say I give up on the original dream. It’s not even a dream anymore. The dream kitchen. I don’t even have friends that entertain anymore.

I can’t imagine having even a single person round to eat because the boys are so exhausting with after school clubs and exams and piano lessons and I don’t even enjoy cooking. Mostly on my healthy eating plan and at the gym.

I feel like a teenage drama queen. I hate it. It’s been two days and I refuse to visit the house. I am / was a great cook, and had plenty of dinner parties before my kids were born. He thinks we’ll be entertaining like that again.

We are now on totally different wavelengths. I feel so tired even thinking about having family and in laws round. Lockdown was great for me because I finally stopped entertaining and realised how much I hate washing up and how easy it is to just be me and the two boys and dh.

When do I say, maybe we just buy three dishwashers and get the just-eat app and be done with it. Save ourself tons of money.

It’s been an extra exhausting week with mock exams and I have a sick 7 year old with coughing bug, is that why I feel like this or do I need to put my foot down.

I would rather have more holidays than spend on a house.

OP posts:
minipie · 03/03/2023 16:52

ScaredSceptic · 03/03/2023 16:40

I dont understand posters saying you have a DH problem. You perhaps have a problem with your relationship but ultimately you have been a party to this decision and have gone along with it. Unless your DH bullied or coerced you into it, I don't see how it makes him the problem.

You keep mentioning putting your foot down. The time to do that was before you agreed to buy this house, not afterwards! I don't understand from your posts why you went along with it if you were so set against it.

You sound very resentful that you didn't get things you wanted in life when you wanted them and you seem to blame your DH for that. Did you not have any say in those decisions?

I agree with this tbh

I also suspect you’re re writing history about why you weren’t having dinner parties 10 years ago. You had one 6 yr old and a kitchen diner. Ok it didn’t have a dishwasher or Georgian windows but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have people round. I expect you had other things going on but now want to look back and blame it on the house/DH.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 16:54

I’m so angry

does your dh have any idea you are “so angry”?

are your children enthused?

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 16:55

The garage would become my eldest son’s room. Front window and skylight. It would lead behind to a massive wet room with skylight and foresty look

I bet your ds is gutted to have lost out on this

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 03/03/2023 17:03

I feel so much more positive since seeing the architect this afternoon. Renovations to new house will cost £100k plus. He said current house would be over £150k (it’s the same architect who did the current house plans )
New house: This includes kitchen - raising the conservatory roof to match kitchen and make one window in living room into a double French door that goes onto back garden patio.

Break dining room wall too so it’s kitchen, conservatory and dining space into one large open kitchen area. Sounds HUGE. And I don’t even intend to cook that much lol

It probably would help if I uploaded photos? because honestly this new house is competing with my dream plans I had decided last November ‘22.

And it was all decided and settled and I was so excited.

Let me know if it would help to show plans of old house and new house?

Architect has given us an email with his fees and a list of work including the internal structural alterations, conversion of conservatory etc. Extra money just to get even plans done and what if we don’t go ahead with it?

We said we’ll get back to him on Monday. He understands he’s like a friend now he seems to get me and my vision and actually I think has talked me into going more for the new house. He had great ideas. But any work we do on the other new house he said we’d get back. Current house; we would never get back the money we would invest and house price would not go up that much where we are. (Can’t explain here but it made sense when he said it!)

We are going to be talking a lot this weekend, DH and I.

mm think I need a nice long hard think about life and houses and family and what the hell I want. So I am so so thankful to all of you on here giving me advice and your perspectives and that I am not apparently 87 years old.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 03/03/2023 17:03

47! You are not old. FFS. Of course you can entertain etc.

Load that dishwasher 🤣 make the 16 Yr old assist for pocket money.

Could it be peri, diet, are you brewing the 7yr olds cough? Is it difficult saying goodbye to all the memories perhaps.

You will love your new home, build new memories.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 17:04

What’s the square footage of old and new

AllTangledUpInThisTango · 03/03/2023 17:10

@PicnicBunny so glad to hear you’re so much more positive now! I agree, it’s serious thinking/talking time.

Can’t remember if you’ve addressed it on the thread (issues - don’t ask! 🙄) but there is no way your 16 yo shouldn’t be a properly functioning ‘helper’ in the house. Daily. Once he’s an adult he shouldn’t just ‘help’ - he should be contributing to the same extent as any adult member of the household (I hope your DH does this too!). This isn’t just to help you out/make life less of a slog for you although that is an important reason - it’s also for his sake. It’ll do him the world of a good as a young man and prepare him to be able to have truly equal and happy relationships with give and take between both parties.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 03/03/2023 17:24

I feel positive but could I upload the plans on here please so you can help me decide?

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 17:27

PicnicBunny · 03/03/2023 17:24

I feel positive but could I upload the plans on here please so you can help me decide?

Aurrly for you and your dh to decide together, and your dh will presumably have very clear idea given his commitment and love of the property

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 03/03/2023 17:43

Yes. I should just get better about the decisions.

OP posts:
Justforlaffs · 03/03/2023 17:52

This resonates with me op. After reading your first post I thought you’d get a thrashing with “Spoiled drama queen” type comments! So pleased you are getting some excellent responses from women who understand and sympathise.

I have the big house but have found it a bit of a millstone tbh. I dream of selling up, buying cottage by the sea and travelling for 6 months of the year - oh, and eating out/takeout every night! I suspect I’m peri too😁

dew141 · 03/03/2023 18:09

I have the big house but have found it a bit of a millstone tbh. I dream of selling up, buying cottage by the sea and travelling for 6 months of the year - oh, and eating out/takeout every night! I suspect I’m peri too

Me too. Tennis court, swimming pool, gym. Sounds great (and we're very popular in the summer) but it's a bit like that Tom Hanks film where he buys a house and it's a complete money pit. You start to resent the cost and effort of maintaining it.

Belindabelle · 03/03/2023 18:26

Yes please post the plans for both the houses. I was on team original house but it sounds as though the architect is good at his job and has managed to make you feel positive about the new house.

This is a no lose situation. You know you love your original home and have fantastic options for making it you dream home. It now sounds like the new house could also become your dream home.

you sound so much more positive compared to earlier.

I would love to see the plans. Post away.

Partyandbullshit · 03/03/2023 18:35

FKATondelayo · 02/03/2023 18:24

I think for our generation growing up 'dinner parties' were such a big expectation - maybe it was This Life and Friends Grin. The middle class dream is to clear the Saturday Guardian supplements off the large Heals dining table and serve up fresh fettucine in bowls we brought back from the Peruvian jungle during our gap year to our array of witty media friends and their Boden catalogue children.

Then the reality that middle class salaries do not stretch to large open plan kitchen diners with tables to seat 16 and a mini wine cellar. I gave up on 'entertaining' and instead go to restaurants.

What I'm trying to say is your probably having an existential midlife crisis about life not turning out like New Labour promised us in the 90s. Get the JustEat App.

I think you speak for many of our generation, here!

Doliveira · 03/03/2023 18:44

I’d like to live in a Park, surrounded by trees, with wonderful light. That would be my ideal search criteria, if I could put that into RightMove I might be in with a chance of actually finding somewhere I like!

op, so glad the architect has cheered you up. Dishwasher will cheer you up too!

JustHarriet · 03/03/2023 20:21

@PicnicBunny your feelings sound completely understandable and rational given the circumstances you've described.

Depression can arise when people have 'depressed' their own feelings for too long. It sounds like perhaps you've not pursued the things the wanted over the years in order to prioritize things that maybe were might have seemed like the 'right' thing to do?

It sounds like perhaps you would have preferred to stay in your current home and extend it but didn't truly realise that until now?

I think it is normal as you get older to realise it doesn't work to keep minimizing your own needs. Unfortunately many of us are raised to be 'nice' and put others before ourselves, but this is naturally going to lead to feeling depressed or resentful or angry - all natural and reasonable responses!

There's an excellent case to be made for taking your current feelings seriously; Look up Gabor Mate if you're interested in more about how the suppression of feelings is correlated with health issues. The way you are feeling right now is an indicator to pay more attention to your feelings, not to override, minimise or pathologies yourself.

SwishSwishBisch · 03/03/2023 21:24

PicnicBunny · 03/03/2023 17:24

I feel positive but could I upload the plans on here please so you can help me decide?

Feel free OP, if you think it will help!

ChateauMargaux · 03/03/2023 21:26

The money is only part of it.. you could spend £150k on the house you are in and you could be happy... or you could spend £100k on the other house and flip it... or hold on to it and rent it out for a while, then do the work and then sell it. That way your husband gets to feel the joy of making money from property and you get to feel the joy of living in the park... but remember... the park is not making you happy now.... will the dishwasher and extra loo be enough?

But yeah... put yourself first in this picture, step into it, which one will bring you more happiness... money and increase in value aside.. if you are a hobbit and would be happy in the extended house in the park, don't let the promise of an increase in value sway you... that won't mean as much as you think, if you are not happy... and that house will increase in value anyway..

LemonSwan · 04/03/2023 16:12

Ooo great news! Yes absolutely post the floor plans. Love a good floor plan

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 04/03/2023 20:02

I have made a decision. To do the work on the new house
because
a) I am keeping this house anyway so I can maybe move back into it if I need to downsize one day and miss the light and the trees too much.

b) spend a little more money on the other house and get an en suite wet room added (won’t be as nice as downstairs and surrounded by greenery - but if I make a mistake it won’t cost me as much if I make the mistake on the other house)

OP posts:
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 04/03/2023 20:04

Thank you all for your brilliant advice! Xxx

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 05/03/2023 05:54

PicnicBunny · 04/03/2023 20:02

I have made a decision. To do the work on the new house
because
a) I am keeping this house anyway so I can maybe move back into it if I need to downsize one day and miss the light and the trees too much.

b) spend a little more money on the other house and get an en suite wet room added (won’t be as nice as downstairs and surrounded by greenery - but if I make a mistake it won’t cost me as much if I make the mistake on the other house)

All “I”
no “We”

What does your dh think?

Vegrocks · 05/03/2023 05:55

a) I am keeping this house anyway so I can maybe move back into it if I need to downsize one day and miss the light and the trees too much.

with or without your husband?!

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 05/03/2023 07:37

Yes, meant WE, of course!

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 05/03/2023 08:22

what are you you g to do with the other property? Leave it vacant? Rent it out?