Dream house dream kitchen anti-climax

[PicnicBunny]

So finally it’s time to buy our ‘dream home’ and renovate it and get the dream kitchen and …I feel depressed. We’ve been married for 30 years and lived in a fairly okay small starter home with garage and had two boys, struggling with our kitchen diner and eventually stopped entertaining family and friends because everything’s so cramped and messy now. Just shoes and books and toys everywhere.

I don’t want to move. We got the keys this week and DH is so happy. I was part of this process! I liked the house too! And we’ve been to some kitchen places and talked about designs.

But I just want to curl up and sleep for a very long time. I barely cook anymore just fast healthy meals whatever the boys like.

i’ve never had a dishwasher (no space) no tumble dryer and now I am angry that I will be too tired and old to entertain and have friends round and cook. I wanted this YEARS AGO! In my twenties! (I’m 47 now) And DH was always investing in some other property or restaurant or business that made sense at the time and now I want to just say I give up on the original dream. It’s not even a dream anymore. The dream kitchen. I don’t even have friends that entertain anymore.

I can’t imagine having even a single person round to eat because the boys are so exhausting with after school clubs and exams and piano lessons and I don’t even enjoy cooking. Mostly on my healthy eating plan and at the gym.

I feel like a teenage drama queen. I hate it. It’s been two days and I refuse to visit the house. I am / was a great cook, and had plenty of dinner parties before my kids were born. He thinks we’ll be entertaining like that again.

We are now on totally different wavelengths. I feel so tired even thinking about having family and in laws round. Lockdown was great for me because I finally stopped entertaining and realised how much I hate washing up and how easy it is to just be me and the two boys and dh.

When do I say, maybe we just buy three dishwashers and get the just-eat app and be done with it. Save ourself tons of money.

It’s been an extra exhausting week with mock exams and I have a sick 7 year old with coughing bug, is that why I feel like this or do I need to put my foot down.

I would rather have more holidays than spend on a house.

Brilliant post @FKATondelayo made me chuckle!!!!

We have an appointment with the same architect round the new house today. 1pm! Will update.

You can always sell the other house oncethe kids have left. Nothing has to be forever. You have many choices.

Jesus, you're 47, not 87.

I'd kill to be 47 again and moving into a lovely home.

Clearly you hold massive resentment toward your husband. Maybe some counseling would be in order.

Very much agree with this, I think you are just no longer at the life stage of the new house, your needs and priorities have changed over the years, the new place is really now just a box ticking exercise, large family home for entertaining family and friends ✔️ but sounds as if that ship has sailed. I really would not move into the new place with no trees and just views of cars and houses, sounds awful compared to where you are now. About 10 yeas or so ago all I wanted for my next house was a thatched cottage in the country, now I can think of nothing worse! That’s not who I am now or where I want to be, never thought that would be the case but our needs and wants do change over time. It does sound as though your husband makes all the house decisions, time you had your way for once, sell the new house and either stay or get a new place that you want for once.

We were the other way round, has plans drawn up for our old house and I realised even if we'd gone ahead it still wouldn't have been what we needed! I then got diagnosed with cancer and basically told my DH we needed to move, for once he agreed! We moved just before lockdown so with getting architects and planning sorted we're about 9 months into reno work and the house is beginning to feel like a home.
The one thing I'm not letting myself be swayed by is being able to 'cater' for everyone's needs ie DH likes to think we'll have huge get togethers and wanted to order a 12 seater table, foot was put down as I'm enjoying having space and a 6 seater was order instead!
I think you need to concentrate on how each home could work for you as a family and see what the architect comes up with. Good luck!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all your advice btw! I can’t name you all I’m terrible at tagging everyone but I’m so grateful for all your advice on this thread.
I honestly felt like “but I should be happy shouldn’t I so maybe I am depressed?”

It’s only on Mumsnet also that people value trees and privacy and childhood memories over ‘a soulless house on a treeless street.’ That’s so lovely @@pastaandpesto

So sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis @ranoutofquinoaandprosecco and now I’m totally humbled I will not moan again about the damn house. Hope you’re doing okay.

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco yes DH thinks I’m 25! And I’ll become Monica again and have friends round and play games all night! I have to put my foot down.

@CleaningOutMyCloset yes absolutely

In a way it’s lovely that he still sees you that way! In his head you’re still his young love. 😊

Give things time, it sounds like you are in a good flexible position at the moment.

An anecdote, if it helps. My parents finally put a second storey on their house, that my mother had long dreamt about and worked towards, when they were 55 (my father got forced into early retirement, with a minimal pension, about a week after they'd signed the building contract). My sister and I were both at uni although I was still living at home. It would have been glorious to have had the "new" house when we were younger, but has still been lovely. When I was married there was space for long-distance visitors to stay. When my sister and I had children, overseas, we were able to go back and visit easily. So there's still been benefits of the "better late than never" changes.

Good luck getting both properties into beautiful condition and making new memories.

I'm absolutely fine thank you and totally rant away! I think it just put things into perspective and made us both look at what we really wanted with compromise if necessary (on his part!)

No view on your housing situation op but this caught my eye….because the boys are so exhausting with after school clubs and exams and piano lessons

oh come on op. The 16 year old doing his own thing.

and your 7 year old… how exactly exhausting is a piano lesson or club at this age?

and if you are truly exhausted, then…. You might want to think it’s something else

Do you have the money to extend your old house (including putting in a second toilet) whilst keeping the new house? If you can, I'd live in the new house temporarily while the old one is getting done up, then reassess how much the new one is worth and either sell it or rent it out.

I feel sorry for your DH x

My impression is that you are missing your friends and an active social life, and you are coming to terms with the fact a kitchen no matter how fancy isn't going to improve the situation.

If you have thoughts of divorce etc, perhaps you should do your husband a favour and share these thoughts with him, so he can make an informed choice how he wants to spend the rest of his life

Honestly I am not missing my friends and social life. I keep up with all my friends but in a different way these days. We go for walks instead (I’ve always taken my own kids but now do it with friends who seem to love it ) towards the next village and back with family in tow and ‘talk and walk’. Which I prefer. Summer time we seem to meet outside picnics and festivals. Other friends lunch with them pretty regularly sometimes dinner with kids and their family. (But at restaurants) others have also moved away and live nearer to their work. We meet up when they come to visit their parents. So I don’t miss them coming round on Fridays after work. Sisters and in laws and my family - everyone’s pretty much not entertaining these days expect just finding each other at weddings and parties.

lol at ‘do him a favour so he can make an informed choice ‘ like relationships are black and white like that. I don’t think he’d decide he’d like a social life over a wife and kids 😵‍💫

Why?

I’m not far behind you in age and moved to a new house last year which needed complete renovation. We were in a tiny flat before with 2 DC and I dreamt of a larger space so I could entertain. I got my dream country style kitchen with a large table and have thrown two dinner parties. Well I’m not doing any more, it is all just too exhausting. I’m not a naturally good cook and felt anxious trying to create perfect meals. Getting the house guest ready and washing up was tiresome as the house is a constant mess.

So now I realise I’m not the host I thought I was and I only have people over for coffee or the DC’s playdates.

I don’t have buyers remorse but there have been moments I’ve just felt despair at the never ending to do list to get this house up to scratch. I’ve run out of steam.

I completely understand how you feel and btw you don’t sound depressed to me at all.

Op… I would put money on perhaps you’re feeling low and unmotivated generally (perhaps even subconsciously) and this is driving the last of enthusiasm of what will be a very big and disruptive job

Fantastic!

How did it go?

And ignore those who feel sorry for the DH. He’s denied you a dishwasher for decades so it’s your turn now to have your way.

Currently planning my own kitchen Reno. May I present the dual dishwasher which MNers aptly named ‘drawers which wash themselves’…

Yes you should 🤣

I dont understand posters saying you have a DH problem. You perhaps have a problem with your relationship but ultimately you have been a party to this decision and have gone along with it. Unless your DH bullied or coerced you into it, I don't see how it makes him the problem.

You keep mentioning putting your foot down. The time to do that was before you agreed to buy this house, not afterwards! I don't understand from your posts why you went along with it if you were so set against it.

You sound very resentful that you didn't get things you wanted in life when you wanted them and you seem to blame your DH for that. Did you not have any say in those decisions?

I went along because years of DH complaining that our area is dangerous because it’s in a park

In the many many years you’ve lived there… has anything happened to justify this concern?

47. And been married 30 years.

bloody hell op! Don’t know whether to be impressed or… well, I don’t know!