Dream house dream kitchen anti-climax

[PicnicBunny]

So finally it’s time to buy our ‘dream home’ and renovate it and get the dream kitchen and …I feel depressed. We’ve been married for 30 years and lived in a fairly okay small starter home with garage and had two boys, struggling with our kitchen diner and eventually stopped entertaining family and friends because everything’s so cramped and messy now. Just shoes and books and toys everywhere.

I don’t want to move. We got the keys this week and DH is so happy. I was part of this process! I liked the house too! And we’ve been to some kitchen places and talked about designs.

But I just want to curl up and sleep for a very long time. I barely cook anymore just fast healthy meals whatever the boys like.

i’ve never had a dishwasher (no space) no tumble dryer and now I am angry that I will be too tired and old to entertain and have friends round and cook. I wanted this YEARS AGO! In my twenties! (I’m 47 now) And DH was always investing in some other property or restaurant or business that made sense at the time and now I want to just say I give up on the original dream. It’s not even a dream anymore. The dream kitchen. I don’t even have friends that entertain anymore.

I can’t imagine having even a single person round to eat because the boys are so exhausting with after school clubs and exams and piano lessons and I don’t even enjoy cooking. Mostly on my healthy eating plan and at the gym.

I feel like a teenage drama queen. I hate it. It’s been two days and I refuse to visit the house. I am / was a great cook, and had plenty of dinner parties before my kids were born. He thinks we’ll be entertaining like that again.

We are now on totally different wavelengths. I feel so tired even thinking about having family and in laws round. Lockdown was great for me because I finally stopped entertaining and realised how much I hate washing up and how easy it is to just be me and the two boys and dh.

When do I say, maybe we just buy three dishwashers and get the just-eat app and be done with it. Save ourself tons of money.

It’s been an extra exhausting week with mock exams and I have a sick 7 year old with coughing bug, is that why I feel like this or do I need to put my foot down.

I would rather have more holidays than spend on a house.

Get your vitamin D checked too, when you have the blood test. Low Vit D can affect mood and you feel exhausted.

and get a dishwasher, they are great

That will come with time. Your previous home wasn’t your home when you first moved into it - it, too, was empty with no memories. Unless you moved into your childhood home, of course.

Life goes on. It truly does.

As pp have said - peri menopause doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with whether or not your periods are regular.

I was menopausal years before I was your age. Go to GP. Insist on having your hormone levels checked. I recall being so tired I could have laid down on the pavement and slept. Do see your doctor. You shouldn't feel as you do. I hope you feel better soon

It could also be hypothyroid - have a read up on it.
Don't invite family or inlaws around if you don't want to. Ask your friends/colleagues around instead.
If DCs are exhausted with all their extra-curriculars, well, maybe they need trimming down.
I have never had a dishwasher. The DCs did the washing up in the evening.
Just make sure you go for more sockets than you could possibly need. The pull out larders were great at first, but after 11 years are a bit clunky.
It's normal to have an 'oh shit what have I done, I don't want to do this' feeling before a major change like a house move.
Hope you feel happier and more comfortable with yourself soon.

You’re sad. It isn’t depression or peri-menopause, it’s the fact that you’ve put down deep roots in a home you love and now you’re losing that home and getting one that everyone expects you to adore but you just don’t love. It’s like someone taking away a child’s tatty old teddy bear and replacing it with a shiny plastic new one and being surprised the kid is upset.

It’s done though so all you can do is make the best of it. Parties will come, you will eventually feel like having friends round etc. But it won’t be the same so of course you are sad. Hugs xx

I agree with this. You’ve said yourself that you wanted to stay put and extend.

I remember leaving our last much-loved home, where my children were born, and feeling very sad. The new house was also a work in progress and filthy to boot! I felt like crying for the first week! But in the long term the move made sense.

Moving house is stressful. Allow yourself to mourn the old house, it’s not self-indulgent. In time, hopefully you’ll embrace the change - and the dishwasher. And definitely, get the kids to empty/load it!

What I'm trying to say is your probably having an existential midlife crisis about life not turning out like New Labour promised us in the 90s. Get the JustEat App.

Oh this has summed up how I feel about life at 46. Thank you for saying it with such good humour!

OP, I went to the doctor last week and started with ‘I’m just utterly knackered….’ Any joie de vie I ever had has been left behind somewhere, along with several PE kits, my waistline and a failed marriage.

Short story, she put me on patches and promised the world. I’m only a couple of weeks in but very much hoping…

Okay, more info:

The house we live in is 3 bedroom, but only one bathroom but with garage and in a beautiful area. We had got an architect in last year and applied for planning permission and got the go ahead for a garage conversion and back of house extension.

The garage would become my eldest son’s room. Front window and skylight. It would lead behind to a massive wet room with skylight and foresty look(our garden is quite secluded and private and we would have one wall all glass with plants outside to give it cover)

The kitchen diner extended out and open with Georgian windows and double doors onto patio and garden - windows running all across. The living room opened up with sliding double doors to dining room. Also an office building/ part shed built in the garden for me.
Oh and a utility room built in behind the wet room. We currently have our washing machine in the garage.

Yes we lose a lot of garden and all our garage space and front also done up as driveway.
We have big bay windows and kitchen diner has big windows and door all across. Like French windows and doors. It’s always looked really lovely as you come in so much light. I’ve put a little work into the garden over the years, white washed fences and climbing roses that are just stunning in summer.

The garden would be landscaped to look like you’re indoor and outdoor same time. This plan was drawn up last year.

So yes it’s my fault I went along to see the other house to buy and it was like how we had spoken about buying a bigger house (from time to time) down that road. I was too scared to say no in a way because I thought I was being silly holding on to my ‘home’. And maybe I hate change.
I went along because years of DH complaining that our area is dangerous because it’s in a park (which I personally LOVE! And the boys love too) and because we have smaller framework of house the entrance way is tiny. Neighbours are all sorts too. Some renting. Some been there for life.

But as you enter it’s so much wonderful light and just surrounded by trees.

The new place is a few streets away but is one bedroom more- and another toilet. A downstairs tiny toilet near front door, one bathroom that is still old fashioned bath and shower in bath,
The street is lined with cars in front all range rovers and there is not a tree in sight. But it is bigger. You look out through the windows and it’s all cars parked. Behind is just rows of rooftops and fences.

New house we keep the garage so DH has his den filled with crap.
DS room will be smaller than the garage conversion he was going to get. Really compared to the architects plan the new ‘dream’ house is just meh.

We are in a nice position where we didn’t sell this house and we have bought the other house and about to start work on it. We would rent out this place. That was the plan.

I am upset that over the years we did not spend on this house as much as I’d have liked and everything was a damn argument to get the nice carpet in and good flooring even when we could have afforded to because we were going do the kitchen when we get the extension - until I was in a corner having to move. We have two boys and three bedrooms. In my opinion we ALL had space. Just build a second bathroom which would be that shower room.

Had a conversation with DH last night and I really would prefer to stay here because the boys faces when they saw the other house. No memories.

I just don’t need this during GCSE period.
We had got builders quotes for the extension and would have started work on this house in July straight after exams.

Is it hormonal my problems? Spend a £100k+ on here and place would be lovely (modern design with architect) and now we have to spend £100k over there because eventually we hadn’t noticed that everything is pretty rank. But we would be trying to make the other place more open and change everything. No wet room. Just a second toilet. And we’ve just spent all our savings buying it all outright! Is it buyers remorse? Or peri?

I thought last night I’d divorce the DH and be done with all the headache. Where was the dishwashers when I needed it?! Why couldn’t we have even just got a conservatory - but no let’s wait to get an extension.

• well, I just think we’ve made it through the terrible kids ages and now I don’t even want to spend that much time around the kitchen.

I’d rather go out for dinner more often now youngest DS can sit still even on a train to London wowww!) and get himself ready. I don’t see the point in moving for the sake of moving and none of our hearts are in it. Except DH who loves looking at houses and house prices and thinks renovating is hell so I think for him it was an escape plan.

I felt weirdly similar when we moved. Just do it, you might hate it for a few months but eventually it feels like home. Change is really difficult.

Don’t know why that bullet pointed lol sorry I should check before I post !xx

It's fine to feel this way. It's just change, and exhaustion.

Wait until you've used the dishwasher and the tumble dryer a few times, you'll soon love it.

It sounds like the problem is that your DH has forged a plan and pulled you along behind him rather than you deciding your future as a partnership. No wonder you're fed up.

Sorry what? You have two houses and therefore choices.

Just don’t move and rent the “ posh” house out. Do up the one you’re in and then decide. Sounds like a bit keeping up with the Jones’s with “ streets we both like” when it’s just full of expensive cars.I think you’re just a bit knackered by the lifestyle plus having the kids later in life.
Maybe a more authentic lifestyle. Friends that don’t mind eating in a messy house because they’ve come to see you. Doing what makes you happy. Having said that it 10 years until the kids go so make the most of that.

I am not a keeping up with the Jones’ type but am starting to think DH is. Kids definitely aren’t that type either they’d rather just run around in the park with the kids they’ve grown up with. They are friends with the boys who live in front and girl who lives a few houses behind. And they are always out in the park. We don’t have a PlayStation. Shock. DS is pretty good at school and tends to read a lot! But it’s all coming to a head now. The posh house is not me at all! I barely have any friends round either since I work from home unlike before so tend to meet up with them for lunch or drinks.

I have no idea I might be having a midlife crisis. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t pick up the keys.

Sell the new house - either before or after renovating, depending on what will give you the best return / minimise the loss.

I would take trees and light and memories 1000x over a soulless house on a treeless street. But I bloody love trees.

It does sound like you have a DH problem though, OP. Why have your needs ever been prioritised?

Because with one child and 3 bedrooms it was okay. Then second child was born 7 years ago and it felt so crammed. And it always felt too hectic to start adding extension building work and then lockdown came and now GCSEs and hey, youngest just turned 7. We didn’t do much work to this house we live in. But we meant to! No Porsche. No driveway. No patio. Just old Argos (but so lovely !) patio set we repaint and roses I’ve grown. (I’m like a farmer hobbit at heart hahaha!) So the bits we have done is lovely, built in wardrobes and great carpet and flooring. But NO second toilet which is panic inducing for people like my mum when she visits.

Porch! Damn spellcheck.

My mum has suggested I take a priest to the new house and get it blessed 🥲 lol

Buyers remorse and it's simply not your dream any longer.

Sometimes we spend so long, longing for something, that when it comes around we aren't in the same space any longer and it doesn't fit our lives like it would have years ago.

Maybe just enjoy the opportunity to make it your 'home' a kitchen you will love, just not to entertain, but for you.

Plus start looking after you, tbh you sound absolutely exhausted, which isn't surprising after moving house and looking after 2 teens. Have a look for a hobbit (I've just taken up flower arranging as I can now leave my dc home alone), or maybe baking to make use of your new kitchen

Oh I get what you’re saying. I wouldn’t want to move either tbh and I’d also be pretty angry with your DH.

That probably doesn’t help. But I do get where you’re coming from.

Trees and light are a huge plus for me too! And the memories. I feel sad for you after the update.

It sounds like a DH problem and I have totally been you OP. I would stay where you are; I get the buyers remorse but it sounds like that combined with a LOT going on.

tart up the new house, get it rented out and see. Is there any budget left over now to to the extension etc to your current home? Is there a way to enable that asap? Even if you did eventually move, it’ll add value.

Moving house is exhausting. Yanbu.

We are two years into a painstakingly slow house Reno.

I haven’t had a kitchen for nearing 2 years now. I have honestly forgotten what having one is like and sometimes think what’s the point.

But then I stay somewhere that has a kitchen and am like omg haha this is actually amazing! 🤣

So do your dream kitchen. And if you cba to do it all at once (ie.spend the money all at once) then you can phase it. For example we are considering getting cheap worktops for now. We are buying freestanding units rather than fitted so want to keep some flexibility for reconfiguration if we decide, and also to have no island first and only get one if we think we should later. Then we will upgrade all the worktops to permanent stone.

Ahh should have read OP updates sorry!

In that case take the plans for the new house to the same architect that did your house plans. See what they can do.

Now you have two houses, regardless of which one you live in you have created opportunity for yourself, additional passive income.

Keep them both and you have choices. You might feel differently about the park and the area when your boys are older than 7 so worth keeping an open mind.