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Original poster

Am I wrong or parents wrong? Really worried

131 replies

LCScotmum · 22/12/2022 15:28

So I'm in my 30s and have two girls 10 and 6. I've lived in the same area as my parents all my life. My partner and I are looking to buy homes. We had agreed to be within same local authority as I havr the girls and we both work within the local authority area. We seen an amazing home it Is big enough and has an extra bedroom and under the original price we planned. My parents have hit the roof at the thought of this. To add the house is 11 miles from my parents house and my kids school so 25 min drive. I plan to keep my kids in the same school as I work 15 mins away from their school.

The current child care arrangement with my ex is 5050 so 1 week at his 1 week at mines. I personally don't see an issue driving for schools, party's, social gatherings for kids to their school area. My mum Said I was being selfish and trying to push my kids away. As teenagers they won't want to stay with me as it is so far away. I really personally don't see the issue? Am I seeing things wrong? My partner thinks they are being quite toxic.

My mum ended the conversation saying my sister and my dad ageee and they will both be phoning to say the same thing. To add my sister stays 5 min walking distance from my family. I feel really upset as the size of the house is perfect and each child can havr their own room including a future child we planned and wouldn't crush us financially as homes that size are not within our reach at my parents area.

Looking for advice on this .

Tia x

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 23/12/2022 00:01

How very suffocating and controlling of them.

Imagine if you chose to move abroad because of work opportunities?

I hope my dcs choose to expire the planet without any guilt tripping from me.

Super toxic family. Horrible pressure for you, op.

AkoraEdelherb · 23/12/2022 00:13

That’s a bit of a drip feed as it now turns out your move is dependant on your dad giving you the cash at an earlier date than yours would be available (if I got that right?)

What timeline are we talking here? Would you lose the house if you wait for tour money to become available?

I still think they should be supportive of you, but it all gets complicated where money is involved, as they’ll think they have some say over what happens with their money (even if it’s only a temporary loan). Tricky OP.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 23/12/2022 00:24

Yeah my money is available next march so over a year still. Its got me on edge now. I'm goijg to wait afew days and see. I haven't spoken to any of them tonight.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 23/12/2022 00:26

I wouldn't rely on them for money in that situation if I were you, as you're giving them too much control over your life.

I know it might mean waiting longer or buying something cheaper, but IMO it's worth it not to have this loan thrown back at you every time you do something they disapprove of.

You can already see that there are massive strings attached so don't take them up on the offer of the loan - it the only way to gain your independence as they're clearly using the money to control you.

LittleBearPad · 23/12/2022 00:28

You can likely still access your cash before it matures but will lose some of the interest. Check the terms.

11 miles is nothing. She wants you nearby and is using your daughters.

Perpop · 23/12/2022 00:30

Please buy the house ❤️

Toooldtoworry · 23/12/2022 05:47

LittleBearPad · 23/12/2022 00:28

You can likely still access your cash before it matures but will lose some of the interest. Check the terms.

11 miles is nothing. She wants you nearby and is using your daughters.

Agree with this. Call the bank and check.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 23/12/2022 08:14

I'm going to check about accessing the cash but I am pretty sure I am unable to remove it until next march. I think I can withdraw 4 weeks before mature date but that I am going to look into it though.

OP posts:
Lagattolove · 23/12/2022 08:20

My teenagers would spend time on FaceTime with friends then meet up in town and sometimes hang out at each other’s houses. Don’t worry your mother is being ridiculous

Wanderingoff · 23/12/2022 08:27

Do you mean march 2023 op? Because if so it will take that long to complete

Original poster
LCScotmum · 23/12/2022 08:27

I feel she's being ridiculous as we can't really compare my teenage years with now as technology is to heavily used. I haven't heard from her since the conversation and my dad ignored my message about something trivial with the kids. I'll see if I hear from them today but really gutted and embarrassed of their reaction and my partner is just baffled by the whole thing. He feels it is an attack on him like they think he is trying to take me away from them when it is far from that.

OP posts:
Original poster
LCScotmum · 23/12/2022 08:28

March 2024 unfortunately

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 23/12/2022 08:29

Is your mum usually manipulative and controlling or do you usually have a kind relationship?

She has come in for a lot of criticism but I am just wondering whether it is even a little bit possible that she has your best interests at heart. How long have you been with your partner and do your dc like him? Are you somebody who has needed to lean on family a lot in the past? It is possible that she genuinely feels that this is a bad move for you and her gc.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 23/12/2022 08:35

She can be quite spoiled and manipulative in the past. My sister is a clone of her and she doesn't like that I am not I suppose. She spends hundreds of pounds on my kids at Christmas and I told her I feel it makes my effort look poor and upsets me but she continues and does the same thing each year. She has behaviours I don't like and my ex always said she is spoiled. On regards to my new partner my parents really like him and my kids love him. He really could not be any better with them. We've been together 2 years and lived together for 1 year.

Afew days ago my sister was here and had a conversation with my partbasically saying " u can't move there u need to buy a 4 bedroom here"

He said no one tells me how to spend my hard earned money. I agree I feel like I am trapped almost now. They keep referencing to when I was a kid and I didn't want to move and how much I would havr hated it. Its quite manipulative the more I tjjnk of it but If I said that to them they would just say I'm being a drama queen idiot.

Feeling very frustrated tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
LCScotmum · 23/12/2022 08:37

Also to add I know if we were buying a house in this area it there would be no negative comments as long as the house looked a certain way and was to their standard.

Very snobbish behaviour from them has always been a thing.

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 23/12/2022 08:47

Ignore your mum and move. If you have to reply say if anything will drive teens to staying at their dads it will be sharing a room and then I’d blame you for pushing my children away from me! The move will be great, I hope you come to realise that.

Ireolu · 23/12/2022 10:29

It's a control thing. Do what you think is best for you and your family.

Kennykenkencat · 11/03/2023 21:02

It’s 11 miles.

Your children are quite happy.

I don’t see the problem although regarding the savings I would think you aren’t going to get any help. It will be used to control you.

Personally after this display I would tell them you have been having 2nd thoughts on the house 11 miles away and have been looking at what else is available for your money and have spotted a really lovely place in Cornwall

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 21:06

I'm amazed. This is so controlling.

I live in a different country to my parents. They wouldn't dream of restricting where I live for their sakes.

I would find your situation so suffocating. Have you considered emigrating? Canada is nice 😜

QuillBill · 12/03/2023 07:41

They must be incredibly small mined to think that moving 11 miles away is such a big deal. I can hardly get my head around it.

Your sister saying to your partner that you can't move there you need to find a four bedroom here is completely mind blowing.

Whether you get this particular house or you don't get this particular house, I think you need to take this hoo-haa as a catalyst for change.

LampsWantLove · 12/03/2023 09:15

@LCScotmum as this has been reactivated, did you decide to move in the end?

For what its worth lots of primary friendships change due to sheer number of choice, primary is usually 30 children in the year group, secondary above 300. Huge choice. I think you were intending to do the right thing by you and your family.

scottishmum2022 · 12/03/2023 10:45

Hey there. Yeah we took the house. My mum did turnaround and apologise snd said she was shocked we bought it and that was the reason for her reaction, albeit still unacceptable in my eyes, I let it go. My dad said he thinks we will regret it but we are adults and can do as we please. I feel yhe security this home has gave me is something I'd never achieve living the little 20 mins to my parents home area.

We are a 24 min drive to school kids are loving having their own space and a garden. Where we now stay has things for kids to do and I truly feel when kids are older they will be safer as teenagers as I know they are highly likely to hang about near the new house rather than the old.

I know I made the right decision.

scottishmum2022 · 12/03/2023 10:46

Haha this made mw chuckle. Cornwall is lovely may consider haha. I rslly cant work them out to be honest either csn my partner as he isn't even from.uk so he is far from.his family and thinks my parents are utterly controlling and insane.

scottishmum2022 · 12/03/2023 10:48

Also to add drama, yes my dad refused to help when he has said previously he would. Ended up scraping deposit jointly by smaller deposit .

WandaWonder · 12/03/2023 11:02

If you are doing this all on your own (I mean seperate from parent help) then none of their business

We ask our parents for advice sometimes as a sounding board/second opinion type thing not once have either sets overstepped the mark

As long as you arecnot expectantly grandparents taxi/babysitting service or telling them they have to help a certain way type thing

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