Worried my husband’s aggression will lose us our rental.

[OrchidPetalsFalling]

Sorry if this should be in a legal section.

My husband has been having a hard time and has been drinking late at night and has made a lot of noise plus damaged some property. He’s good at fixing stuff so has sorted out damage he causes but our land lord let himself in the other day and must have noticed one of the kitchen doors was on the floor! He didn’t mention it but this combined with our neighbours threatening to complain to our landlords about shouting and banging noise late at night is making me fear we’ll be evicted. I love where we live and mentally at the moment don’t feel in a position to go through any changes. I’m going through some bad anxiety issues at the moment.

Obviously written down he sounds unhinged but he’s been on medication that has made him very aggressive. He’s not violent to us just to be clear and he’s making a real effort not to drink excessively at the moment.

Where do I stand if the worst happens?

My brother rents his house out as he lives in work accommodation for now. He did give notice to a tenant who did similar (made a massive bash in the wall).

I think that the landlord can evict you, as long as the notice period is followed - he/she doesn't actually need a reason to do this and even if it was necessary, he/she could say that the property was being sold. Followed of course by a change of mind and getting new tennants.

Your posts still don't add up. He's improved but neighbours are complaining and he's ripped doors off?

The children have 'seen some shit' but you have protected them from knowing anything?

It doesn't add up because it's not the truth. It is elements of reality, woven into a justification for you to stay.

Just so you know, I grew up like your kids. I have cut my Mum off. I hate her, she was actually worse than my Dad, even though he was the violent alcoholic.

It's your choice, but don't con yourself that your little kids are going to want anything to do with you the minute they can leave home.

You should be kicked out. Scum like your husband make nice people's lives a misery. Take the kids and leave him to it.

"I've set my house on fire but we shouldn't get out because we might hurt the fire's feelings".

Fuck, and I mean this heartily, that shit. OK, so there are reasons to explain his behaviour, but no excuses.

It's great that he's not drinking this month. But what happens on Dec 1st? There is simply no justification for putting this man's ego ahead of the mental and physical health of your children.

@OrchidPetalsFalling

We have two children. They’re young so sleep like logs. In lockdown they whitnessed some shit. Lockdown was a harsh time for us all but he’s seeked help since then and is on antidepressants and is so much better.

I’d never let my children get expossed to his temper again and did make plans to leave. He sort help and is making a big effort.

The medication that made him more aggressive is on a decreasing scale now.

Our landlord did see the door after all and is going to get it fixed. My husband told him it was on its last legs or something similar.

I’m not the sort of person that’s going to put up with crap just to have a man. You’ve got that wrong. We’re a family and we are finally after a couple of shit years working towards being a more happy one.

He’s not drinking for November. This is massive! He doesn’t usually do a day without so this is really big.

I fee like I’ve been given a rough time on here maybe rightly so. I do care about everyone around and the impact.

This is a really worrying post.

Your number 1 responsibility as parents is to protect your children.
Even tiny children pick up on violence whether it is undirected or not.

I can't believe that you posted this originally saying you wanted it moved to the legal section. You are still focused on the bloody house!!

WAKE UP.
THE FUCKING HOUSE IS NOT THE ISSUE.

You need to get this man away from the kids. If he can sort himself out then great if not you tried.

Stop trying to be a saviour to this man and protect your kids.

If you don't, you are guilty of child neglect

You will both lose your home unless you make him leave.

And potentially your children ...

I wouldnt want you as neighbours.

The landlord has absolutely no obligation to allow you to stay, and he probably won't.

You'll likely need a landlord reference, when you move - how do you think that will go down ..? I doubt he'll lie on your behalf and say you were model tenants.

Unfortunately when you align with men like yours, all the crap they create rubs off on you too.

& your children, who could end up under Social Services care if you don't wake up and start thinking logically in adult fashion.

Your next landlord may not be kind enough to allow you to stay; your man smashes things up, you'll be out on your ear. Again.

No wonder you have anxiety, your landlord sounds like an arse and then problems with husband. Awful for your home not to be a place of rest.

I still don’t believe any medication is responsible for his violence.
You won’t expose your children to his violence “again”? Once should have been enough. Lockdown is no excuse for violent behaviour.

@Kanaloa

This thread really stuck with me and it occurred to me I’ve never met a man who lives alone and smashes things up frequently. It’s usually men who live with other people. And (like op’s partner) never done in public or at work. The uncontrollable urge that they just can’t help only comes at home with their vulnerable family, never (for example) at a pub surrounded by larger men or at work where their boss it.

It’s a horrible thing to witness. Very frightening and upsetting. I couldn’t cope with it myself, even if everything was fixed. It’s just not the point.

How would you know what someone was doing if there was nobody around to watch and tell you about it?

@Wolfiefan

I still don’t believe any medication is responsible for his violence. You won’t expose your children to his violence “again”? Once should have been enough. Lockdown is no excuse for violent behaviour.

Are you a pharmacist or doctor? If not, how do you know that?

Really??

It s 11 days into November. He us drinking late at night...he is trying not to drink..or he isn't drinking in November
Unclear
But he needs to be elsewhere til he controls his rage. Flying objects can hit a child
Speak to your r gp honestly about what is happening.
Get support
This won't help your anxiety

Why mention his issues if you didn’t want anyone to comment on it…

Landlord shouldn’t be letting himself in ever tbh

🙈🤷‍♀️

Even by your minimising account, your poor children have witnessed some shit. That is emotional abuse. I very much doubt that they are sleeping through his rages. It's much more common to pretend to be asleep. And as for trying. Fuck that. Booze sets off his rages. So if he was really trying he wouldn't touch a drop ever again. But no. He might try to abstain for a month, if he gets lots of applause for doing it. And will doubtless come up with a reason it's too hard.

Please, think of your poor children, stuck in the middle of this abusive mess.

You are normalising extreme anti social and violent behaviour which you have already said it has impacted your Children's lives. He clearly isn't in a healthy place because a healthy well rounded person would not do this. Don't think for one moment he wouldn't hurt any of you if the right circumstances occurred. If he's breaking doors that's extreme behaviour. If the neighbours are concerned about shouting and noise- that's extreme behaviour. Dry November is simply not enough. He needs to make a whole life choice, and to do that he needs support of professionals. Those who do fades like that tend not to be addicted to the substance they are giving up.

Don't accept this for yourself or your children. You make the change and leave him, don't normalise extreme behaviour

Hi OP. I have real sympathy with your position, in that you have to face up to the fact that you are the one person who can and should end the living hell your children are going through. Your husband won’t change. Facing up to it will be scary, life changing, you will need support and it may be hard, but it will be worth it. Like PPs have said, this isn’t something that will just make the children upset at the time, this is something that will blight their whole lives. They are being emotionally damaged every day.

Please think about this. It’s not your fault or your responsibility that he decides to smash the house up. However, your responsibility IS to provide your children with a stable, loving nurturing and safe home. By staying with him, you are depriving them of that and abdicating your responsibility. They will not look back on this or you favourably. Please reach out for the support you need to leave.

You know that nagging feeling in your stomach? That’s you lying to yourself. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

@BlueMongoose

I of course don’t know if violent men are smashing things up in their home alone, however I’ve know men who get ‘uncontrollable’ tempers and smash things up - when they are ejected from the family home they haven’t then gone on to smash up their own flat. It’s just another terrorising technique in my opinion - the smashing is frightening and anyone who isn’t severely developmentally disabled is aware that it frightens others.

Such an interesting point. Never thought about that before. My instincts tell me you’re right.

You may think your kids are asleep, but even if they are, their subconscious will still be listening in. How do you think alarms work? You can still hear when you’re asleep.

My DD mentioned something yesterday about when her dad and I used to argue. This was 10 years ago just before he left. And she still remembers it even though she was only 3-4 at the time. Kids notice. And they’ll notice the cupboard door and the broken things and put 2 and 2 together. And of course they’ll still love him, he’s their dad. But deep down they will know that he’s got anger issues. He needs to leave even if only temporarily until he has sorted out his drinking ie STOPPED for good. And preferably until his course of meds is fully tapered to nothing. I know steroids etc can mess you up and I’m sorry that he needs them for whatever reason. But other people, including your neighbours and landlord shouldn’t be suffering too.

This thread really stuck with me and it occurred to me I’ve never met a man who lives alone and smashes things up frequently. It’s usually men who live with other people. And (like op’s partner) never done in public or at work

The person I know who has smashed things in a rage HAS done it in his own house (not sure if his DC were there) and also at work - no disciplinary or anything. And has also had at least 2 road rage incidents. There have never been any consequences to these rages though. Apparently even got arrested for punching someone and when he explained that the other person had spat at him, he was told that it was understandable that he’d hit him then People like this will get away with as much as others let them. My stance is zero tolerance. Not even a raised voice, let alone throwing things. You want to act like that, fuck off and do it on your own time.

they're young so sleep like logs

My parent had screaming matches at night. I remember sitting silently with my brother at the top of the stairs. I'm not sure they ever knew that.

Move out, create a calm home for your children. If you find that you still want to work on your relationship, you can do it from separate houses, until he has resolved his anger and alcoholism.

Your children may sleep through it, but clearly your neighbours and their children don’t.

Ruining others’ lives (and that is what this kind of behaviour does) clearly means little to you.

If you want to stay, get him to apologise to the neighbours and make sure that, after 10pm latest, he is quieter than a mouse, every single night.

If he can’t do that, lose him or the flat.

I’m really surprised that your neighbours haven’t called the police during one of his explosions.
You are minimising everything. By all means stay but ffs think about the damage it’s doing to your poor children. I don’t understand how you can inflict this on them for your own selfish needs. Really sad.