Worried my husband’s aggression will lose us our rental.

[OrchidPetalsFalling]

Sorry if this should be in a legal section.

My husband has been having a hard time and has been drinking late at night and has made a lot of noise plus damaged some property. He’s good at fixing stuff so has sorted out damage he causes but our land lord let himself in the other day and must have noticed one of the kitchen doors was on the floor! He didn’t mention it but this combined with our neighbours threatening to complain to our landlords about shouting and banging noise late at night is making me fear we’ll be evicted. I love where we live and mentally at the moment don’t feel in a position to go through any changes. I’m going through some bad anxiety issues at the moment.

Obviously written down he sounds unhinged but he’s been on medication that has made him very aggressive. He’s not violent to us just to be clear and he’s making a real effort not to drink excessively at the moment.

Where do I stand if the worst happens?

Breaking things and thinking its ok because it gets fixed, shouting and being aggressive/violent is the start of a very slippery slope, I won't comment on your relationship, but be very careful.

Also, you need to think about your landlords position, eventually he will break something that isn't an easy fix, your home is his property, his investment, so he is well within his rights to ask you to leave.

He's abusive. That's the real issue here

There’s no way to make your landlords and neighbours “okay” with his violent behaviour. The only way to make sure you don’t get kicked out is for him to stop being violent.
And seeing as you say “us”, I’m guessing you’ve got kids in the house.

Maybe he is troubled, but who are you putting first? If you have kids in the house, they should not be subject to this behaviour.

I would start to make plans to move. I had neighbours that sounded like your husband. I did complain to the landlord, and due to the amount of complaints from other residents, and other tenants moving out the tenancy was not renewed. Your neighbours have told you this is a problem, and what the next step is. Personally I think you are giving your husband too much credit for trying not behave like a drunk-and failing. He is a an adult and part of that is being a good neighbour, and if not facing the consequences.

Your landlord needs no reason to evict you. Your husband is giving him a reason.

We have two children. They’re young so sleep like logs. In lockdown they whitnessed some shit. Lockdown was a harsh time for us all but he’s seeked help since then and is on antidepressants and is so much better.

I’d never let my children get expossed to his temper again and did make plans to leave. He sort help and is making a big effort.

The medication that made him more aggressive is on a decreasing scale now.

Our landlord did see the door after all and is going to get it fixed. My husband told him it was on its last legs or something similar.

I’m not the sort of person that’s going to put up with crap just to have a man. You’ve got that wrong. We’re a family and we are finally after a couple of shit years working towards being a more happy one.

He’s not drinking for November. This is massive! He doesn’t usually do a day without so this is really big.

I fee like I’ve been given a rough time on here maybe rightly so. I do care about everyone around and the impact.

If I were the landlord I'd already have served you with Notice.

Wherever you move to you'll have the same problem anyway. Your man being noisy and smashing things up isnt going to sit well with anybody is it.

Also what Inthesameboatatmo says is right, and you should take it into account.

If police are called to your property more than once in connection with this, they will automatically make a Social Services referral as there are childten in the home.

@OrchidPetalsFalling

We have two children. They’re young so sleep like logs. In lockdown they whitnessed some shit. Lockdown was a harsh time for us all but he’s seeked help since then and is on antidepressants and is so much better.

I’d never let my children get expossed to his temper again and did make plans to leave. He sort help and is making a big effort.

The medication that made him more aggressive is on a decreasing scale now.

Our landlord did see the door after all and is going to get it fixed. My husband told him it was on its last legs or something similar.

I’m not the sort of person that’s going to put up with crap just to have a man. You’ve got that wrong. We’re a family and we are finally after a couple of shit years working towards being a more happy one.

He’s not drinking for November. This is massive! He doesn’t usually do a day without so this is really big.

I fee like I’ve been given a rough time on here maybe rightly so. I do care about everyone around and the impact.

That sounds really positive Op

@OrchidPetalsFalling

Sorry this is more about the house situation than our relationship.

No, it isn't. You want it to be, which is understandable. It's not the drink either is it? Not if he gets angry at work and also does road rage.

This is so chilling. At the moment it's a cupboard; next time it could be your face. You may think I'm being dramatic but men who are violent typically start by attacking things and escalate to people.

Please leave him, OP, or you and your kids will forever be treading on eggshells worrying about setting him off. Trust me.

OP, the way you are now blaming random MNers for labelling this man, BASED ON WHAT YOU HAVE SAID, is abhorrent.
Your poor children.

What does 'witnessed some shit' mean? What did your children see?

Means the OP is an enabler.

Other men are available.

"Witnessed some shit". I hate to break this to you, but they still are. Someone ripping kitchen doors off in a fit of rage is not normal.
What medication is it that makes someone this violent. Please tell us so we can avoid it.

@Thatsplentyjack

"Witnessed some shit". I hate to break this to you, but they still are. Someone ripping kitchen doors off in a fit of rage is not normal. What medication is it that makes someone this violent. Please tell us so we can avoid it.

Yep agree. You have some odd idealised notion that it’s just a family problem you need to work through together. I’d not agree I’d count, redundancy, having to move, illness, child failing GCSEs as that, not incredibly violent man that you seem to expect your children to put up with because he’s “troubled.” I’ve been a landlord OP and if I walked into that house with what your neighbours had also reported I’d be on the phone to the local schools, police ans social services the minute I left the door. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone hasn’t already reported you. If staying with your husband is really worth potentially having your kids removed AND losing your home as your reference will also include his damage then so be it. This has the potential to go very wrong very quickly. Just think about it.

I'm finding it hard to read this OP. Your DC are heavy sleepers?! I'm sorry but you are failing them.

In the answer to your question; if I was your landlord I'd want you out. I'd want no part of this and that wouldn't be due to the damage - I'd feel like I was enabling your DHs violent and dangerous behaviour.

Take a step back, contact Women's Aid and take your DC to safety.

We have two children. They're young so sleep like logs.

Your DC will have borne witness to far more than you realise, even if they are under 5. On the sleep front, they may have been closing their eyes hoping it all goes away, rather than actively sleeping. I know I've done that in the past.

I really hope your DH accepts the help he so clearly needs, and makes changes to his behaviour for your family's sake, as no-one deserves to be terrorised in their own home like this (your DC may not say it, but they'll be terrified with all the associated noise of your DH rages).

@Kanaloa

Well neighbours will complain about a drunken aggressive man making excessive noise and ripping doors off the walls late at night.

Unfortunately part of the fallout of living with a violent man is that you become tarred with the same brush so to speak - landlords don’t want violent people smashing up their property. I imagine he manages not to rip the doors off in Tesco or smash holes in the walls at work?

I'm afraid I agree with this 100%. If you don't rip doors off the kitchen at work then don't do it at home. It's destruction of another person's property which is illegal. If it was your own home it wouldn't matter so much. He needs to get down to his GP and get help before you are homeless, and you will be.

Its highly unlikely they are that good of a sleeper they are most likely pretending because they know what's good for them

Been there done that

@Theunamedcat

Its highly unlikely they are that good of a sleeper they are most likely pretending because they know what's good for them

Been there done that

Same here sadly. It’s quite common for children in these situations to close their eyes and think ‘I’ll pretend I’m asleep nothing can happen to me if I’m asleep.’ Or they just don’t want to open their eyes and see what’s going on.

Even if they are asleep, imagine regularly coming downstairs to doors ripped out of the wall and smashed items. How do you explain that away? My kids would never stop with ‘what happened to the door how did it break why did that happen what will happen now.’

And I struggle to believe it’s disturbing neighbours in another house but not children who have ‘seen some shit’ in the same house. I’d be amazed if they can’t hear it.

You talk about "if the worst should happen" but that's not you losing the flat, but your husband killing you. If he turns his anger on you - when - then it just takes one unlucky blow to your head to kill you. Don't underestimate his strength, even if he isn't TRYING to kill you. He's on a lethal combination of alcohol and medication, and you and your children are at risk.

I know you are desperate for him to get better, and trying to minimse this as much as you can, but it might be for the best if one of your neighbours brings him to the attention of social services, so that you can get proper support, and stay safe.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

That is what you need, not to stand by a violent and abusive husband and father for the sake of playing happy families.

Also, eviction is the least of your worries. Social services take an exceptionally dim view of parents who refuse to safeguard their children and remove violence from their home.