Worried my husband’s aggression will lose us our rental.

[OrchidPetalsFalling]

Sorry if this should be in a legal section.

My husband has been having a hard time and has been drinking late at night and has made a lot of noise plus damaged some property. He’s good at fixing stuff so has sorted out damage he causes but our land lord let himself in the other day and must have noticed one of the kitchen doors was on the floor! He didn’t mention it but this combined with our neighbours threatening to complain to our landlords about shouting and banging noise late at night is making me fear we’ll be evicted. I love where we live and mentally at the moment don’t feel in a position to go through any changes. I’m going through some bad anxiety issues at the moment.

Obviously written down he sounds unhinged but he’s been on medication that has made him very aggressive. He’s not violent to us just to be clear and he’s making a real effort not to drink excessively at the moment.

Where do I stand if the worst happens?

He’s not a troubled man. He’s someone misusing alcohol and blaming his dreadful behaviour on that and medication.
Poor neighbours. I bet they will explain. And yes you could end up kicked out.

Hopefully this will be reported swiftly to your children’s school or social services.

They can put things in place to keep your children safe and give them a proper childhood, as you seem reluctant to do so.

I hope he is getting help- your GP, counselling?

Ripping a door off the hinges is absolutely not normal!
Even if he has never been violent towards
you or the dc surely you can see that he could “accidentally” hurt you?
Yes you could be evicted.
I think your best option is to evict him while he hopefully sorts himself out
You canNOT live with a violent man. Especially not the kids. They will grow up thinking violence is ok and it is not.

OP he is an abusive alcoholic. My mum grew up like that. Do your children a huge favour and LEAVE. Please contact women's aid.

@TravisFountain

OP, you asked Where do I stand if the worst happens? - the worst being your husband's aggressive behaviour getting you evicted.

This is what posters are attemtping to answer.

I don't really know what else you want from the thread? Do you want to know if the Council will house you? Then ask that. My experience in my city is that the Council would have a statutory duty to your children, and to you if you disclosed abuse, and you would receive emergency accommodation.

If your husband's behaviour causes you all to be homeless, his housing situation would be very precarious, unless he starts declaring asap to the appropriate Council team that he has severe mental health and control issues around the children. And this means an assessment of the family's needs. How helpful is his GP? Do you have any statutory support from health, social care, etc?

I'm afraid that no-one's got a magic wand for this.

And council tenancies often have the ability to evict somebody when they are found to be domestic abusers. So a council house isn't the answer, either - especially as staying with him/saying there isn't any abuse can be interpreted as intentional homelessness as it's then due to somebody being a dick, not an abuser, so there might not be an offer in the first place.

The only way out is to separate permanently, in my opinion.

This all sounds deeply worrying OP and how awful for your kids to wake up to a trashed house because of their dad’s anger. I would seriously consider leaving him.

Hi OP, you mentioned your husband is taking medication that makes him angry, I wonder if he could see his GP to discuss this?

I remember a friend of mine saying a particular new medication (I can't remember the name, sorry) caused him to feel very angry and he needed to stop taking it. Certain medications can have a strong effect on mood and this would need to be taken seriously and discussed with the doctor who prescribed.

With drinking, this can also be a response to heightened stress, trying to cope with difficult feelings or anxieties (obviously it's a maladaptive coping strategy, but my point is, does your partner know what is causing him the underlying difficulty that is triggering him to want to drink?)

Has he tried support to stop drinking, could this be something he is able to consider?

No wonder you are suffering from anxiety; your DH is ripping doors off their hinges during the night!

As a child I was scared of loud noises/voices. I'd have been absolutely terrified if I heard an angry, violent man ripping the place apart if I was next door, even more so if I was in the same property.

You need to get help, perhaps from your local authority to separate from him, as if he continues, you will be kicked out. No-one wants to live near this situation.

He's a violent whackjob, he has you walking on eggshells and making excuses for him.

It doesn't matter if he can fix something, he shouldn't be breaking it in the first place.

He needs to see someone about anger management.

What kind of medications causes that level of aggression?

At some point, you might well be ending up on the kitchen floor.

‘Trying’ and ‘making a big effort’ like hes a good little boy and you’re his mam is going to mean bog all to new landlords or social services.
If you are evicted you will have to go to the local authority, and if you tell this minimising tale to them as the reason for the eviction and you have children you’ll be under the spotlight of SS before you know it.
The same will happen if neighbours call police, which it sounds could be on the cards, and this would probably trigger a Marac which means you’d be flagged up to all agencies, police, health, schools, SS.
I don’t think there is anyway out of this for you really as if he carries on you’ll be looking at eviction, serious difficulties in finding suitable housing, and agencies breathing down your neck.
If you have kids ffs step up and protect them.

If he is concerned and can’t control his temper and it is related to medication then he needs to speak to his doctor, urgently. If he won’t do that then you have a much more serious problem. How do you think your children feel lying in bed listening to him rampage, if you have them? Your tenancy is not your biggest problem here.

My Dh grew up in a home exactly like yours. A stepdad who gets drunk constantly and smashes the house up. I witnessed first hand, and none of the kids have ever recovered from that. My Dh is 30 now, and still carries the emotional scars it's left.
He's not making an effort to not make noise and stop drinking, though is he? He's still doing it. He's putting you at risk of eviction, and terrorising his children. Why aren't you more concerned on the effect it's having on them, rather than being asked to leave your house?
If he actually wants to change - leave him, take your children and actually make him show you he's changed. It's not fair on your children to keep them in the same home whilst he attempts to work through his issues, whilst he has violent outbursts and smashes up their home.
They must be absolutely fucking terrified.
Fixing the damage isn't fixing anything - it's putting a plaster on a bullet wound.
He needs real help, and you need to step up and protect your children from the abuse they are being subjected to.
Maybe being evicted would be a blessing in disguise if it gets you away from him.

@Clymene This is an absolutely despicable comment, with no understanding or awareness of how different situations - especially very difficult ones - affect a person and their choices. "Just leave" is never as easy as it appears, but your comment is just rude, disrespectful and has no bearing in reality, all whilst demeaning the OP.

Why do people feel it necessary to accuse the victim. Your sympathy/empathy is hugely lacking and your ability to see a situation outside your own is non existent.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation, OP.

[quote bedpicnic]@Clymene This is an absolutely despicable comment, with no understanding or awareness of how different situations - especially very difficult ones - affect a person and their choices. "Just leave" is never as easy as it appears, but your comment is just rude, disrespectful and has no bearing in reality, all whilst demeaning the OP.

Why do people feel it necessary to accuse the victim. Your sympathy/empathy is hugely lacking and your ability to see a situation outside your own is non existent.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation, OP.[/quote]
It was meant to be rude and disrespectful. I don't have any respect for women who position violent men as troubled and make out that their behaviour is not damaging their children because he isn't actually hitting the children.

If the OP was asking what she should do, how can she go about getting her and her children to a safe place, I'd be happy to help.

She's not.

He may be on medication but he's choosing to drink alcohol....I bet whatever medication it is, you're not meant to drink alcohol on top of it.

I know you said this thread is about your property not your relationship but I'm absolutely perplexed that you are putting up with this. Were you raised in an abusive home and therefore don't realise how fucked up this is?

This thread really stuck with me and it occurred to me I’ve never met a man who lives alone and smashes things up frequently. It’s usually men who live with other people. And (like op’s partner) never done in public or at work. The uncontrollable urge that they just can’t help only comes at home with their vulnerable family, never (for example) at a pub surrounded by larger men or at work where their boss it.

It’s a horrible thing to witness. Very frightening and upsetting. I couldn’t cope with it myself, even if everything was fixed. It’s just not the point.

@Kanaloa

This thread really stuck with me and it occurred to me I’ve never met a man who lives alone and smashes things up frequently. It’s usually men who live with other people. And (like op’s partner) never done in public or at work. The uncontrollable urge that they just can’t help only comes at home with their vulnerable family, never (for example) at a pub surrounded by larger men or at work where their boss it.

It’s a horrible thing to witness. Very frightening and upsetting. I couldn’t cope with it myself, even if everything was fixed. It’s just not the point.

Yep this.

It’s violent behaviour even if it’s not directed at a human being. It’s intimidating and frightening and no one deserves to live in that situation. If you have children you need to protect them.

No judgement from me @OrchidPetalsFalling (I’m sure you’ve had enough of that already), but is he getting some help to cope? It would probably help mitigate the damage with the neighbours and landlord if you can say ‘he’s in crisis, and is getting support/therapy/treatment’.

Even if he makes repairs, the relationship with the neighbours is still damaged because of what they have heard. If they have or do complain officially, that information could affect your rental references going forward.

Whether the landlord likes your husband should be irrelevant. The house is his investment. Damage to the property or disputes with the neighbours lower the value of his investment.

Have none of your neighbours asked how you are?

He’s not violent to us just to be clear

Not yet. By us I'm guessing you mean there are children in the house? That must be frightening for them.
Yes your landlord can evict you if you are disturbing your neighbours and damaging the property.
Why on earth would he be taking/ knocking kitchen doors off wtf? Are you there while he's doing this?

It's actually not that easy to evict someone.

Obviously there are other issues but I’m not asking strangers on the internet to help with that when they tend to caricature a troubled man into a ‘violent monster’

Please, please stop minimising his behaviour. It is very, very obvious to everyone except you that this is what you are doing.

Yes, his behaviour will probably get you kicked out. His behaviour isn't your fault, but you need to accept that if he doesn't seek help for himself your anxiety and worries will escalate, so it is up to you to try and protect yourself and your children.

You need to put yourself and your children first.

Oh OP. Come on.

Why should your neighbours have to put up with your husband? Why should the landlord? Why should your DC?

Your DH is literally risking the home over your heads.