Disappointment our third child can’t join her siblings at the same school

[sopae]

We have two kids at a selective school in London. It is very competitive to get in to. Both kids sat the 4+ and have been there since reception and are doing really well. We have just found out that our third has not been accepted for reception next year. I am so sad that she can’t join her siblings.

I don’t blame the school, obviously they have to draw a line and we chose to put them all in for 4+. I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess. She won’t even be 4 until the summer and is developmentally a completely normal 3 year old. She can try again at 7+. But I am still heartbroken that she will have at least three years separate to the others, and her siblings are so disappointed too.

Anyone else have this experience and can help me put some perspective on it. I know there are bigger issues but right now I am feeling so sad about it.

Send them an email this weekend and call them on Monday. If there’s any chance she can be put on a wait list, the sooner you ask for this, the better. I’d request a meeting too and say you will accept a spot for her at any time, also if it’s later in the year. You need to make that very clear. It’s how our family have managed getting spots in schools (after moving countries). We were clear about what we wanted, they knew we’d accept and they had our phone numbers (I repeated my nr in every email!) Good luck OP, I totally understand your disappointment.

Doesn't this just show how daft and pointless these 'exams' are if all those you know eventually got a place?

I was a kid in one of these schools. Always excelled. Music, sport, academics. Oxbridge PhD. I look back on my childhood and despair. I have protected my own child from this nonsense in the hope he will grow up and avoid the pit of anxiety and depression I often find myself in.

Every now and then my mother makes some passive aggressive comment about how we are not supporting his potential. And I'm like - ya... I'd say he ll really resent that missed opportunity to be the vehicle of my ambition.

Sounds like your kids might be at the same select schools as my cousin's kids. Like you, School A took the first two at age 4 but rejected the baby of the family. They were heartbroken - but the child ended up getting one of the others they had applied to very nearby, and they feel it's worked out ok.
Horrible system though, IMO and I think they'd have been better off somewhere with a more holistic and less pressured attitude to education. Each to their own.

I’d be livid if I chose a very selective school, successfully put my child through the entrance exam, paid the whopping fees and then they then let in kids that couldn’t keep up or caused disruption just because their older siblings passed the entrance exam which they failed.

So I saw this happen with a family. Two older ones thriving in a school the third child didn’t get in at 4+ or 5+. The parents were distraught and sought feedback.

Apparently their quiet shy daughter hadn’t said a word at the selection day! They did everything to get her to open up but nothing worked. She watched and listened but they couldn’t evaluate her suitability.

The family were snobbish about schools and refused to send her to a “second rate” prep so she went to the local state school and got tutoring for the 7+. The bigger class and mixed environment helped her come out of her shell and she got a coveted spot at 7.

I’d seek feedback and check if they just couldn’t assess her for some reason or if they could but she didn’t have what they look for.

(I’d start throwing your efforts into finding an alternative school now; it’s getting late!).

I cannot believe any school treats an application from a sibling the same as any other, knowing the chaos it would cause for your family. No societal bigger picture at play at all.

Being as its presumably a private school, I would suggest indicating to the head that you will take the other two away - I used to teach in a private school and it's a business at the end of the day, they either gain an extra fee, or loose two - at the school I worked at the head was forever doing deals with parents, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

We are in Surrey and all private schools in our town have a 4+ assessment. Most competitive ones are oversubscribed and a mumber of children do not get in at 4+. Nobody is surprised, that's just the way it is with popular schools. Some nurseries advertise themselves and are known as "good preparation for this or that school". So I completely understand what the OP is writing about.

OP, do follow the advice of PPs of setting up a meeting with the headteacher and then keep checking in about the movement on the waiting list, or with occasional places later on. Best of luck!

So they’d move the younger child at any point, even if settled at another school but won’t move the older children?

You can be livid but ultimately these are businesses. It makes more business sense to take on a third child from a proven family than an unknown new family (unless that family has a pipeline of future little fee payers as well).

That is a very mean comment,and you can not possibly know this for sure
Why would you want to cause hurt to someone about a situation they are already distressed about

The idea that you can select a child at 3 is of course a joke. They’re selecting outgoing toddlers who won’t cause them much trouble.

They won’t hesitate to advise alternative schools if your 3 year old turns out to have dyslexia or some other condition that needs extra academic help.

We had this and had a meeting with the head and said we want all our DCs at the same school so would need to consider our options if there wasn’t a place. They didn’t want to lose them and a place magically appeared. It’s worth a meeting at least.

@MrsBelindaMay may I ask....so money isn't enough any more? Its about passing a test at age 3/4 and THEN paying the fees if accepted? I'm assuming there's no bursaries at age 4?

Hi @sopae

I genuinely think that if a child doesn't get into a private school, there's a good reason for that and usually it's because they don't think your child will thrive there.

It may not always be about the academics but maybe just something they see in her independence or self motivation that makes them think she won't thrive there.

Find her a school that works for her as a little person rather than as a sibling. And make a fuss of that choice for her.

I have DC who've been right through north London schooling, both state and private and usually if they don't get in somewhere there's a good reason And they've then gone in to thrive elsewhere.

Good luck in your search x

Not if it makes the school less selective, which is the thing attracting parents in the first place. That would be damaging from a business perspective.

I could never be super committed to a school that treats three year olds this way. Schools are communities and, unless there is evidence of significant issues that they think they can’t handle, the school should prioritise keeping families together at this young age. At 11+ it’s different. At 3 it’s utterly absurd to try to measure and rank intellectual potential. To give an example: the oldest child in a family is normally more verbal and less physical at 3. They are more likely to pass these tests. But younger children catch up. The result is a school largely dominated by first and only children, which is not a healthy or natural mix.

That's am awful lot of begging to get into a school most people on here are not impressed by.

People wouldn't know. Some of those kids that were bright at 4 will turn out to be slow developers at 8. Selection at 4 is purely a marketing gimmick to attract the wealthy parents whose want their precious first borns to marked as gifted.

THis has been going on for a while, you have to put your child's name down at a very specific window, sometimes when they're born, and then there's an entrance process and that can start at 2.5 if you want pre school.

Back in the day, one of the tests was the child (2) would leave the room and go and play in another room with the teacher leaving you/ parent chatting next door. They're set up more like games and fun but testing more than simply do they know colours or letters.

If someone goes to Eaton, for example, their whole school journey from kindergarten, will have been selected to give that option!!

If the advice above doesn’t work to get your DD in (and you understandably don’t want to move your DSs), I would start looking at girls’ schools for her. That would give you an easier way to explain to all of them why she is at a different school, and quite a lot of families choose co-ed for boys and single sex for girls.

The 11+ is not ‘objective’. I live in a selective area with some high performing state schools. The grammars are filled with children from affluent families, many of whom have coached their children for a the 11+. Private primaries are greatly over represented in the intake and many teach verbal reasoning as part of their normal curriculum, with the aim of securing a grammar place at 11. There will of course be some very bright kids who do well whatever, but the 11+ itself is unfair and children from less well off backgrounds are vastly underrepresented.

My suggestion is to speak to the headmistress or teacher in charge of assessment and demand actual feedback on why.

I don’t agree with the other posters comment on why it’s ridiculous your son wasn’t accepted - there must be some underlying reason why that’s the case and the school need to have a frank conversation with you on the reasons since you are already part of the school community. And see if it’s something that can be worked on. If you can put yourself on the list for adhoc entry for year 1 also as there are a lot of movement these days even in selective schools.

I have seen numerous siblings not accepted also (with very disappointed parents) but there has always been a reason why. Unless they have a clear sibling policy, the school cannot be expected to accept all siblings

I think you have!