So stressed

[Moodymornings]

I am so sick of feeling so stressed about my kids’ schooling. Some of this is me and my own anxieties I think (I was very academic and self motivated but also suffer from a lot of self doubt and find my kids’ education v triggering I think!).

But also I feel like schools are so obsessed with grades so early that there’s so little room and time for growth and individualism and relaxed love of learning! I have two lovely bright children in junior school, but I always feel like there’s something I have to worry about. Motivating them to do their homework (there’s too much of it in my view!), trying to persuade the school to take some (albeit minor but still existent) SEN needs seriously, my kids’ self confidence not being eroded by the constant incessant focus on grades grades grades. We’re in London so I think it’s especially bad here but it also feels like the times we’re living in… I want my kids to have a childhood! I want them to love learning!

We just had a few days off over Christmas where we all agreed nothing at all except fun for a few days - no brief times tables practice, no piano practice, nothing - and we all just had such FUN. And I felt so much more relaxed! I wish we could feel like this so much more of the time but term times just feel like we are trudging through these endless to do lists…

Anyone else feel like this??

You’ve posted in the Private Schools forum, so does this mean your kids are at private school? If so, it’s unsurprising there is a focus on high academic achievement - I assume this is the reason why many people choose private education. Perhaps as your dc approach secondary school this is something you could factor into your decision. Or if you are already paying fees, why not look at Montessori or similar?

Yes they’re at private school. I’m not sure all private schools are or were always like this though. I was at private school throughout and I don’t remember it like this, was just looking to hear about others’ experiences really. I don’t think a) that all private schools focus solely on academic achievement or that’s the only reason why one chooses it (class sizes; facilities and extras), but also b) I’m not convinced that aiming for high standards needs to feel this stressful or that it always did??

Private school? So you got to CHOOSE which school you wanted? This is quite a strange post if you meant they go to private school. The entire privilege of private school is that you get to pick one that suits your child and they offer different things. Some get very good academic results but many parents would avoid them because of the route required to get there. Others market themselves on their nuturing and relaxed approach. Etc.

Yes i think I do. BUT I also think the school actively encourages a high level of anxiety. There’s a lot of obfuscation and I don’t think it’s a very nurturing environment (which again I’d say is not necessarily something you have to have just because a school wants decent grades)…

Then wrong school. For you

are there alternative private schools near you? Why don’t you go and have a look at a different one or two and see if it would suit your family better. They are not all the same. How do your children feel about their school?

Of course private schools have an academic focus. They’re geared towards giving a ‘better’ education to those who can afford to pay, to give them a head start in life. The smaller class sizes etc are designed to produce better results - it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest otherwise. If you don’t like the academic focus of the school you pay for, choose another one, or send your children to a state school.

You also say you ‘had’ a few days off over Christmas - past tense. It’s 27th December! Take the pressure off. Have a few more days off. Your kids are little and it’s still Christmas. I mean this kindly, but it does sound like a lot of the pressure comes from your own anxiety.

Why are you so passive? You have complete control over this. Look at different schools!

You also could choose to stop doing all the practice and instil your values - that homework isn’t important at this point and ask them what they would like to learn about instead.

So you’ve chosen a school that gets good academic results?
im afraid then, yes, it will have far too much homework.
the private school near me tries to compete results wise with the nearest state grammar school. The kids aren’t as academic as a cohort, so the only route to compete with the grammar is piling the work on.

It sounds like you are quite focussed on the childrens education, which is rightly so but taking a step back has to come from you?

I personally never monitor my childrens homework or go over stuff at home (unless they ask me to)

They work hard at school, let them have family time at home every week, not just over the xmas holidays?

Do your children like their school? Are they anxious about school?

In my experience, the London preps are significantly more like this than preps that are even just outside London. Are you close enough to the edge of London to look at preps in Surrey / Berkshire for example. Lots do minibuses from west London and there are flexi boarding options to help with logistics too. I know where you’re coming from and I’d seriously consider looking at that option as it’s only
going to get more intense as they get older.

Sounds like you chose the wrong school. Why not start the new year by looking for a different one?

Different schools suit different children, and if you’re choosing the private route, you have the luxury of being able to pick the right type of school for your child.

At primary/prep level, different schools target different secondaries. If your primary school tends to send children to very academic secondaries, the academic pressure will be greater because the children will need to pass competitive exams at 11/13. Conversely, other primary schools tend to send children to less selective secondaries so they’re not as pressured. I think you need to have in mind the type of secondary you’re looking at.

We did manage to find a primary school which let young children enjoy their childhood and somehow managed to cater for all abilities. Despite being relatively less pressured, some children passed very selective secondary entrance /11+ grammar exams. I do think those schools are fairly hard to find to be fair. We are not central London which probably makes a difference, as I know from others that the London education system can be very competitive as there is a lot of competition at 11+ for the best schools.

My kids are at private school and we have never done any holiday homework with them except for in the run up to senior school entrance exams. No times tables or anything else.

Does your school ask you to do times tables practice in the holiday? Ours doesn’t and it’s quite an academic prep I think. Maybe your school has a very pushy culture? Or is this your own choice?

Music practice, I’ve always said I would suggest music to my kids, I would support them if they are keen, but I absolutely would not get into battles over it. It’s not necessary. If they aren’t keen then let it go.

Hard to advise without knowing how much this is from school vs from you.

If you have the ability to afford private school then you can opt out the rat race of exams, results and leavers destinations.

If you’ve sent your kids to an academic hot house because you want them to go to a top senior school then uni then you have yourself to blame. Of course it will be constant testing, exams and pressure because that’s what the parents want to achieve goals of top senior schools etc

If you want a more gentle education then you need to opt out of the education race and go for a more alternative school where the goal isn’t St Paul’s (or whatever top school) then Oxbridge. You have yeh financial power to opt out of that but have to be brave enough to put your money where you mouth is. State schools are also about targets and testing btw.

Why are you talking about having a break for a few days - it’s the holiday and unless you’re prepping for 11+ then why are you doing any work with the kids?

Yes, they tell us to do times table and spelling practice over the holiday. Although they interestingly didn’t do this when my eldest was in the year my youngest is (year3) (and I never thought to) so they’re ramping up the work and the stress I think…

Yes do they do generally really like it. Lots of friends, they like most of the work…

Really appreciate this msg thank you (there seem to be surprisingly few people answering this thread with kids at private school despite the topic area??) and how interesting. Urgh, I wish I’d understood this more when I initially sent them. Part of the problem is I think we’d have to completely move (as in entire area) for a different school and our whole lives are here…

Mine are at private school. Saying practice timetables and spellings isn’t stressful or shouldn’t be! Do it a few times in the car every other day, done. Many families won’t do it at all (like ours wouldn’t 😉). This does feel more about your own stress? Both mine at junior all through preps and no holiday homework.