So stressed

[Moodymornings]

I am so sick of feeling so stressed about my kids’ schooling. Some of this is me and my own anxieties I think (I was very academic and self motivated but also suffer from a lot of self doubt and find my kids’ education v triggering I think!).

But also I feel like schools are so obsessed with grades so early that there’s so little room and time for growth and individualism and relaxed love of learning! I have two lovely bright children in junior school, but I always feel like there’s something I have to worry about. Motivating them to do their homework (there’s too much of it in my view!), trying to persuade the school to take some (albeit minor but still existent) SEN needs seriously, my kids’ self confidence not being eroded by the constant incessant focus on grades grades grades. We’re in London so I think it’s especially bad here but it also feels like the times we’re living in… I want my kids to have a childhood! I want them to love learning!

We just had a few days off over Christmas where we all agreed nothing at all except fun for a few days - no brief times tables practice, no piano practice, nothing - and we all just had such FUN. And I felt so much more relaxed! I wish we could feel like this so much more of the time but term times just feel like we are trudging through these endless to do lists…

Anyone else feel like this??

If I have time, I will PM you about this later today, OP.

I have a DC in a London indie and I totally hear you OP. I constantly look for that balance between - leaving it to them and to their school to navigate learning vs supporting them at home to keep up with the school work. And it is stressful on many levels. The society we are living in today is so complex , and while we want to foster independence, we also want them to keep up. My DC is academic but not “ linear” in their learning, meaning they will only focus on what they enjoy, which is definitely not the rote learning of the times table, for instance..

not any real advice in this post, sorry Op- just a message to say you are not alone trying to navigate this balance as a parent! We’ll figure it out one day 😅

I have a 10 yr old at an independent all-through, not in London / SE. I don't recognise this at all. His school feels significantly more nurturing and holistic, and a lot less focused on results over all else, than his previous state primary. So I think it is about specific school cultures perhaps, as others have said.

Your message resonates with me so much @Moodymornings.

I've just moved my two DC from non-selective indies outside London, into a London prep and a London secondary - and the pressure is INSANE for the prep school kid. Everyone is obsessed about getting into the "top" secondaries, and there is a lot more chat between parents and a subtle (or not so subtle) checking out the competition/one upmanship.

I feel much, much less pressure for the kid in secondary. Partly because there isn't a looming entrance exam, partly because I don't see/know the other parents and partly because of that DC's character.

Can't wait for the younger one to be out of the prep school - in retrospect wish I had chosen an all through school for them.

My dcs are in a non-selective London prep and I'd say the pressure is not as high as you describe OP, although probably more than a state primary. Although it may be similar to some of the top performing state primaries where lots are aiming for grammars or selective indies. Our school prepares for the private 11+, but as it has a wide range of abilities, these won't all be the top 10 schools, and there's just as much respect for girls getting their first choice place at a top 30 school as those aiming for a top 5 school. Our school has an ethos of being nurturing and making learning fun, and I think the parent body reflects that, and most families don't push their dcs as much as some of the more selective London preps.

We've had a complete break from school homework and music practice over the Christmas break, though we're keeping up some maths and reading, but that isn't insisted by the school. There's been plenty of time for Christmassy days out, winter days in the park and theatre shows. I do think the daily 10 mins of work is worthwhile as it benefits from regular practice.

I think society is like this now. Our kids are geared towards top performance from the start to then work extra hard and pay shed load of tax to carry the rest of society financially. I wonder when it is worth opting out of the treadmill? All 4 of mine attended a high performing state primary school and then grammar schools and it was always about grades or greater depth or extras. My eldest went abroad and is earning ridiculous amounts for an early twenties. He is on track to retire in his mid thirties. I just do not know what the answer is to all this madness. It is kind of bonkers.
I have a theory that employers aim to just hire the very best now and it trickles down to these ridiculous amounts of pressure on young kids. It all feels very New York to me. GCSEs are not that hard and just about constant steady work and understanding the process. Your DCs if bright do not need to go to some uber prestigious private school - they will get the same grades and possibly a better uni place coming from a more bog standard school, if they stay in the UK. Something worth bearing in mind.