So stressed

[Moodymornings]

I am so sick of feeling so stressed about my kids’ schooling. Some of this is me and my own anxieties I think (I was very academic and self motivated but also suffer from a lot of self doubt and find my kids’ education v triggering I think!).

But also I feel like schools are so obsessed with grades so early that there’s so little room and time for growth and individualism and relaxed love of learning! I have two lovely bright children in junior school, but I always feel like there’s something I have to worry about. Motivating them to do their homework (there’s too much of it in my view!), trying to persuade the school to take some (albeit minor but still existent) SEN needs seriously, my kids’ self confidence not being eroded by the constant incessant focus on grades grades grades. We’re in London so I think it’s especially bad here but it also feels like the times we’re living in… I want my kids to have a childhood! I want them to love learning!

We just had a few days off over Christmas where we all agreed nothing at all except fun for a few days - no brief times tables practice, no piano practice, nothing - and we all just had such FUN. And I felt so much more relaxed! I wish we could feel like this so much more of the time but term times just feel like we are trudging through these endless to do lists…

Anyone else feel like this??

This was the logic behind that poster’s question, so sensible question and nothing to suggest a hate for private schools.

Ok, fair enough.

Disagree @NOWLICANIDOIT You’re making some odd and unkind assumptions about why people worry, such as that people with ‘ordinary’ upbringings and some success in conventional terms are less likely to worry about something you deem trivial.

I found private junior school pretty stressful as a parent. It was things like the hassle of cajoling DC to do the homework, the sense that the ‘good education’ we were paying for had some big drawbacks and might not, after all, be that good for them, guilt about that, and feeling worried due to the challenges of changing track.

It's natural to feel stressed when you feel responsible.
So if you take a step back and think about which are your responsibilities as a parent are and which are your child's (age appropriate) responsibilities are.
This is good way of picking your battles.

For example I think it would be my responsibility to tell school that class homework is taking MY child two hours not just the suggested hour to complete. And it is not my child's responsibility to finish the homework in that situation.

This isn't just a private school issue but there can be a greater concentration of invested parents terrified of failing to meet some perceived standard in private schools and conversely some parents who think having paid they can entirely outsource to the school.

Sorry, ungrammatical last post...

@Surreyblah my DC went to an international private school.

I have nothing against private schools.

I think it is very odd that anyone would worry so much about their DC’s junior school homework to the extent they feel the need to state they are ‘so stressed’ about it! In addition to berating every other parent with a different opinion to theirs just because they haven’t experienced a London prep school.

It is just so very odd to be so hyper focused on junior school homework and timetables!

This is really interesting, and comforting to know someone else feels twitchy! Twitchy is a good word actually as I think part of my problem is I’m just not sure whether to do stuff at home or not! To be clear we don’t do tons and tons, we were just trying to do a bit everyday. But one of my kids really objects to even that and it was just so lovely having a few days where I didn’t have to cajole anything at all!

But it's not odd to be stressed by a fear of failing.
Most people fear failure. It's entirely sensible to fear ostracism and /or failure.
In this case the answer is to reframe what 'failure" might look like.
Is failure a child that doesn't practice the piano ? Or even doesn't learn an instrument?

This is helpful thanks.

All of this, thank you @Surreyblah 🙂

I feel exactly the same for the same reasons, but not in the private system (we both had state educations and what the same for our children, but the question is academic anyway as we couldn’t afford private for two and I don’t want educate our daughters differently).

Also in London which I think makes it worse as the catchment areas are so small and schools all so different to each other, and we also live on the edge of catchments so there’s not an obvious decent one we’d definitely get into.

I was very academic and school and I’m not sure my eldest is - but it’s SO hard to tell becuse she’s flipping eight years old!! I feel like the constant testing system is robbing her of her fleeting childhood and I hate that I’m permanently worried about something or other. She is likely ND as we are an ND family but coping fine in school so far - but just fine, not excelling. The anxiety is always there though the rational part of my brain knows that although it’s important to have a positive start, school is not all of life.

It absolutely wasn’t like this when I was at school in the 80s. The expectations at such a young age are off the charts.

No one at your school will know if they practiced their times tables or not!

You control the messages - so if the school is more academic than you would like there’s no need for you to do everything. Work out what the bare minimum is to not get consequences eg missing break time then just do that.

Doesn’t matter if it’s crap, doesn’t matter if it’s sloppy - just get it done with the least amount of
fuss then move on.

Just because the school are giving out lots of pressure it doesn’t mean you have to accept it off them. If moving school really isn’t an option then Put some boundaries in place to raise your kids the way you want to.

Thank you for the solidarity @LostittoBostik . I’m sorry you’re feeling this too. Yes my youngest is 7 and it feels mad to be assessing and categorising so young. I really want to switch off the worry and let them enjoy their childhoods. I think my own concerns and personality play a part in this but I do feel the general environment makes it as hard as possible not to worry!

It's a bit of a 'lean in or lean out' situation. Do you 'lean in' and prioritise the academic work even if it causes arguments and grumpiness or do you 'lean out' and say 'we'll do the minimum and not worry about the rest'. It sounds like you were a child who was happy to lean in, with a child who really wants to lean out. This means you are constantly undecided on the best approach so things rumble on, along with daily battles to get things done. I think PPs suggestion of working out what you can control is a good one. I would also suggest making a decision with your partner. (As an aside, do you and your partner agree? Do you share the load in getting the work done?). Decide how much you are doing/pushing, so you don't have to keep deciding each day e.g. decide you will only practice times tables at the weekend or you will practise spellings 3 times a week and if they don't know them then that is ok. Or that you will ask once and then leave it up to your DC and if there are consequences e.g. low scores, missing break time, they can deal with that. Or even that you will ditch the school's learning and do something of your choosing.

I would also look at the wider picture. Are your lives busy and scheduled? You talk about wanting them to be bored and have time to enjoy childhood. If you have lots of time at home, you can generally manage some homework plus time to play. If you are busy, that is harder. At one point we scaled back on extracurricular activities because DD wanted more time at home. She is currently preparing for the 11+ but is mostly finding it ok because she has lots of time to herself too. It has also become part of the routine, so it's not a battle.

@Moodymornings I have no experience of private (your thread is trending which is why you are getting odd responses).

But I do think you need to step back and consider what you want and what you can change.

It all sounds too much. I feel stressed just reading your posts.

Is there a ball you are okay dropping? Are they musically talented or just plodding along? There's nothing wrong with the latter and it's good to learn something purely for the fun of learning it. But if that's the case you just do the minimum practice unless they lead it.

What learning can you take away from the table so it's a walk and some times tables.

You need to put in boundaries that work for you and ignore the competitive noise. Ultimately you can be as gifted as you like but if you can't function with it then what's the point? Return the balance you know they need and trust your instincts as a parent.

I do so so appreciate kind, considered and thoughtful responses like this one, thank you. All of this makes sense to me and seems like really helpful advice. My partner and I do agree essentially, but most of the grunt work falls to me during the week because of the way we’ve arranged our work schedules. And there’s an additional layer where it feels more like my responsilbity because I come from a private school background and he doesn’t so I think he feels like I have more familiarity with the system (that is not to say he just lets me get on with it, he is very hands on where he can be and agrees with me. But I think I just think about it all a bit more, and because I engage directly with the school more by virtue of doing more pick-ups have more access to direct information). You are right that part of the stress here is simply the ongoing decision of how much to lean in/out.

I think our children are medium scheduled. Quite a few things going on after school but not everyday, and one thing at the weekend for one DC and nothing for the other. I am a huge believer in boredom and having time to basically muck about by yourself to figure out what you like doing…. (I guess that’s partly why I feel I shouldn’t feel bad about asking my kids to do a little spelling and maths over the holidays and finding is so stressful when they object so hard, since I know plenty of their friends are way busier).

Good advice, I think, thank you.

Yes they would.

I am she.

State educated. Children in state education. The anxiety is real.

The reality is that because I’ve built my career on my own merit I know I’m the exception not the rule. Nearly everyone in my sector is privately educated and I am not. I do not want a blinkered social start for my children (sorry others in this thread, not slagging off it’s just my view based on what I’ve witnessed at work) - but that doesn’t mean I’m not constantly worried about DC not making the most of their chances. I am.

Not read the whole thread but I totally agree. I was privately educated myself and didn't feel stressed at any point. With DC and moderate SEN it's a completely different picture. I feel like I'm always in some battle on their behalf, or coaxing them to do their homework or complete some project or other. It's also due to living in more competitive times. We worry about getting them into the school, then we worry how they're keeping up, school constantly testing. There's a hiatus in y7 and 8 but then it ramps up again as they start gcse prep. My sister's DS is in state and they apply the pressure from the moment they start secondary, and they get way more homework than my DC, so I don't think it's 100% a private school issue.

No advice to offer really, just hang in there

They apply the pressure in state primary too.

my kids’ school is talking about SATs prep and it’s the first term of Y4

I didn't want to read and run, as DD(18) is out the other side of yr3-13 selective Indie. Not London

No need to necessarily answer, but I wonder whether you, yourself, had perfectionist tendencies? Or maybe you are surrounded by braggers?

Our most important role as parents is to raise grounded, emotionally resilient children (they certainly need resilience to navigate modern society). If they make mistakes, lose hockey matches (or whatever games London schools play pre-secondary), let them think about it for a bit and move on. It's not to say that sloppiness/laziness is okay, but don't add to their stress levels (there are probably enough perfectionist children in their classes already doing this).

Times tables and spellings are annoying but, again, they don't need to be perfect first time. Some parents chose to spend 5 minutes before school practising in the car. We walked to school so we'd have a set stretch of route in which we would do them and then we'd talk about something fun (regardless of how horrific 7 times table might have been). [To this day I am mystified by phonics, so I teamed up with others to tackle the dreadful reading scheme books in reception].

I remember when DD was doing Grade 5 music theory, she had a stupid number of key signatures to learn so I grabbed two pots (Gu deserts or Bighams pie dishes will do). I filled one with paper slips of what DD needed to learn and asked her to pick several a day. If the answer is correct, she could put the slip into the other pot and watch it fill up, otherwise it went back in the pot and she was told the correct answer (and any trick I could think of to help her remember it). That way you have measurable progress (or you can see you need to go back a stage to explain how numbers go together a little better).

For reading, try listening to the audiobooks. Good narration lifts a story and makes it more accessible for many.

I'd also add that everyone learns at different speeds and while some make nice linear progress, others don't (I always said my son's learning plotted on a graph would look like steps. Can't do it, not progressing, not progressing, oh how did you do that).

It is hard if you were academic. I've found the same (although we are in the very lax Scottish system).

They didn't really get primary homework but even the reading and spelling was a battle and he hated it.

But he's just started secondary and is enjoying the learning. He's taken charge of his own homework and just gets on with it. There is no one more surprised than me at the transformation. I feel if I'd forced it at an earlier stage I'd have put him off.

It's a long road they are on so it is important to pick your battles. There will be parts of the homework they are doing that are really important and some that's for the sake of it. If they don't build the best shoe box world or produce the best description of a trip to the farm, is it really going to hold them back in life?

It's easy to get swept up in comparison, especially as PP said if you have perfectionist tendancies (I did and it's not easy letting go).

"why I feel I shouldn't feel bad about asking and finding it so stressful when they object so hard since I know plenty of their friends are way busier."

This is interesting to me. There's a lot of feelings in there and then the phrase" I know" as a factual statement.

You have uncomfortable feelings about arguing with your children and conversely you have presented it as a fact that they shouldn't object because they aren't as busy as their friends.

Sometimes you feel/believe you are right to argue for bits of maths and spelling in the holidays but at other times you feel uncomfortable and that the school has created this impasse between you and the children.

The truth is no one likes arguing and it is probably counterproductive so you almost certainly will have to come up with a different solution than telling them their peers are busier! My solution either accept your kids as they are or set a ten minute slot for the task before something else happens (possibly a nice thing...elevenses?)every single day. Make it a habit like taking the bins out....

This is the exact reason why we moved out of London when we had kids! We’re only half an hour away by train (commute takes 50 mins door to door) in Hertfordshire. When we were looking at schools I wanted somewhere where the children could be, well, just children. Their prep had something like 30 acres of grounds, a forest school, they could build dens in the woods, climb trees and play conkers. They were usually covered in mud.

Of course a private prep makes money by having a reputation of getting children into “the best” schools. Ours focussed getting them into the RIGHT schools at 11 / 13. They didn’t suffer one bit academically. Both mine passed the grammar 11+ and got into all their independent school choices (with some scholarships and to some “big name” schools). There was some exam prep in Y5/6 but on the whole it never felt stressful or too much.

They are now at a school I have heard described (very unfairly) as a “backup school”. We all loved it and haven’t been disappointed. Eldest got top grades at GCSE and there was no stress or anxiety on the way.

Just ask yourself why you specifically chose your school as you must have had good reason. Would that reason change now if you could go back and change your mind? Not all schools are equal or the same.

Could move them to a more enrichment focused private school like St Chris in Letchworth which might give them a better compromise of good academics without being a hothouse type set up.