So stressed

[Moodymornings]

I am so sick of feeling so stressed about my kids’ schooling. Some of this is me and my own anxieties I think (I was very academic and self motivated but also suffer from a lot of self doubt and find my kids’ education v triggering I think!).

But also I feel like schools are so obsessed with grades so early that there’s so little room and time for growth and individualism and relaxed love of learning! I have two lovely bright children in junior school, but I always feel like there’s something I have to worry about. Motivating them to do their homework (there’s too much of it in my view!), trying to persuade the school to take some (albeit minor but still existent) SEN needs seriously, my kids’ self confidence not being eroded by the constant incessant focus on grades grades grades. We’re in London so I think it’s especially bad here but it also feels like the times we’re living in… I want my kids to have a childhood! I want them to love learning!

We just had a few days off over Christmas where we all agreed nothing at all except fun for a few days - no brief times tables practice, no piano practice, nothing - and we all just had such FUN. And I felt so much more relaxed! I wish we could feel like this so much more of the time but term times just feel like we are trudging through these endless to do lists…

Anyone else feel like this??

Genuinely quite surprised by the high number of “it’s private school therefore it’s your fault” esque responses on here. In my experience (as a child) it wasn’t like this (and I got good grades and went to oxbridge).

Interested to hear from others with kids at private junior or prep schools as to whether they also feel like this? I suppose I am slightly trying to figure out whether things have changed over all over time or whether our school is particularly bad (and actually it’s not famously hot housy and instead prides itself as being quite pastoraly strong, although I’m not sure it is)…

What is your career OP?

Was just replying before it was deleted @Yummycarrot - you know, you are allowed to scroll on by rather than just make people feel bad.

But, frankly, it’s helpful when a replier is so openly biased and mean because it makes it pretty easy to ignore! Already work and definitely don’t have too much time on my hands but thanks for your thoughts lol!

No

Not putting much personal information on here and definitely not inclined to given the nature of some of the questions but I have a creative, professional job that I love.

Sorry didn’t mean questions, but comments.

In my experience, if the prep school is selective (Bute/Newton/Colet/WUS) then they make a point of nurturing the love of learning and a wide range of experiences. They just sort of expected that times tables and music practice would happen as a matter of course (perhaps) because that's what the children actually enjoyed doing!!

On the other hand, if they take a full range of abilities and parental expectation is that, in return for the fees, their children will pass the 11+/13+, then they will push harder.

I have teen DC in private school and IME there are some big downsides. Lots of pressure, tests and homework, starting young and continuing. For some DC, mine included IMO, the downsides can have a negative impact on their wellbeing. Mine don’t enjoy the style of teaching / learning at all.

DH and I didn’t attend private school. We don’t have DC in state school so can’t compare, but my impression as an outsider is that there look to be different pros and cons.

Some things have changed in education more generally, for the worse IMO! eg the curriculum and most qualifications being almost solely based on exams.

Imagine that many London selective private schools are ‘traditional’ and pushy. Plenty of paying parents want that.

If I could go back I wouldn’t have chosen this for my DC. Would instead have bought a house very close to a good, non selective secondary. But who knows!

No. Was just looking to hear about others’ experiences of private school/prep

Private school teacher here. The vast majority of parents put their kids into my school because they want them to do their best academically. If a teacher in my school didn't heavily emphasise academic results, they'd have the majority of parents calling meetings with them and the principal. I, personally, think there's plenty of time later on for this but it's the way it is in private schooling. You have to meet the demands of the majority.

Genuinely quite surprised by the high number of “it’s private school therefore it’s your fault” esque responses on here. In my experience (as a child) it wasn’t like this (and I got good grades and went to oxbridge).

It's presumably at least a couple of decades since you were a child and things have changed a lot - not least fees going up, uni costing everyone a fortune, and oxbridge widening participation giving more of a shot to state schools (rightly) means that private schools need to justify the costs somehow and for some parents that will mean all these extras and emphasis on achievement. If that's not what you want then seek out a school that's much more focused on nurturing and less stressful. They do exist, but you could also choose state and not be paying for any of this extra agg.

Interested in how true that last bit is - from what I hear, sats and also parents going mad trying to get their children into grammars (esp where we are in London) make the state system JUST as bad sometimes … I partly just wonder whether as a society we have decided to now focus on children’s grades from a young age (and to me it seems in some ways in direct opposition to learning to love learning!)

Did you get your job on your own merit or through family connections?

How old are your DC? Are they self motivated to learn at all?

Why are you so stressed about your DC’s junior school homework? I don’t understand why you are so hyper focused on it!

Oh yes and I’m not against high grades or aiming for them obviously! I just wondered whether it happens at such a young age at every private school. I suspect not, and I think part of the problem is that our particular school has climbed the league tables and changed ethos. I hate it. I want my kids to love learning! I LOVED learning and did very well but I was allowed room for that to flourish without constant testing.

What a strange question? Why would you think I got my job through family connections?? No I didn’t. Is this what you think all private schools are like??

No. I just don’t understand how someone who has a career based on their own merit is so stressed about their DC’s junior school homework! It’s all so ludicrous and a disproportionate way to feel regarding timetables😂

I have one in a London prep and one in a prep just outside London - honestly completely hear you OP. The vibes are completely different. Both get excellent results and feed to the most well known public schools. The London one feeds to the London day schools too though and it’s really that which make the difference in ‘vibes’ I think. I don’t get caught up in the anxiety for the most part, but it takes a conscious decision to tune it out and lots of perfectly normal parents I know, do.

Is your child at prep school? Do you have any experience of the type of school I’m describing? If not maybe scroll on by and don’t post laughing faces at someone who cares and is doing their best.

I’m wondering if it’s a London thing?
DS is at an academically selective private school in Yorkshire. There’s a fair amount of homework but pressure seems to be pressure to work had and try your best, not to achieve (although they do go hand in hand).
He is in year 9 and has 21/2 weeks off - he will need to do about 2 hours of revision on 3rd and 4th but otherwise we are relaxing and having fun.
A friend based in London seems to be constantly having to worry and push her children academically, even starting 11+ tutoring in year 4!
Move up North… our fees are cheaper too.

!!!!!!!!

My ds went to private prep and private secondary and private 6th form. He transferred from state primary at Year 5. The noticeable differences were that any 'extra' support had to be paid for (so for mild SEN support parents were billed per 30 minutes support) and often the ethos changed according to teaching staff and particularly heads. His schools were all semi rural and placed a lot of emphasis on using the extensive grounds for learning. Particularly when they weren't bound by SATs, but they did do common entrance (which I understand has also changed since my ds did it)
Yes, there was a lot of homework as they split into separate subjects far earlier than state schools and there was the obvious pressure of where parents were aiming for secondary etc but the advertised pastoral care was still very evident. If you feel that the schools ethos has fundamentally changed then it may be time to look around (though that depends on what year your oldest is in and what expectations you're wanting for secondary as a head teachers recommendation is still very important at 11+ or 13+ depending on where you hope they will go next)
It's understandable to feel that you're not getting the education you're paying for, but you also have the freedom to change

Oh my God thank GOD for you @Legoninjago1 ! There have been so many unhelpful responses on here suggesting I’m insane. Honestly thank you! This is very helpful advice. And really really good to know that it is (as I partly suspected) a London thing. SIGH. I London personally and like lots about raising my children here, but I wasn’t expecting this element of it (the school my kids are at goes all the way through to 18 and sold itself as pastoral and has changed its ethos while we’re they’re I think, so all unexpected).