So stressed

[Moodymornings]

I am so sick of feeling so stressed about my kids’ schooling. Some of this is me and my own anxieties I think (I was very academic and self motivated but also suffer from a lot of self doubt and find my kids’ education v triggering I think!).

But also I feel like schools are so obsessed with grades so early that there’s so little room and time for growth and individualism and relaxed love of learning! I have two lovely bright children in junior school, but I always feel like there’s something I have to worry about. Motivating them to do their homework (there’s too much of it in my view!), trying to persuade the school to take some (albeit minor but still existent) SEN needs seriously, my kids’ self confidence not being eroded by the constant incessant focus on grades grades grades. We’re in London so I think it’s especially bad here but it also feels like the times we’re living in… I want my kids to have a childhood! I want them to love learning!

We just had a few days off over Christmas where we all agreed nothing at all except fun for a few days - no brief times tables practice, no piano practice, nothing - and we all just had such FUN. And I felt so much more relaxed! I wish we could feel like this so much more of the time but term times just feel like we are trudging through these endless to do lists…

Anyone else feel like this??

I think you need to chill out a bit - and I say this as a private school parent (highly academic London schools). They might tell you to do all this stuff but as long as your DCs are keeping up in class and have no issues you don’t have to take it so seriously at home. There WILL be times when they need to knuckle down (I.e. before 11 +, GCSEs, a-levels) but in between there’s really no need to be doing extra - trust the process and relax!!

Might be true for the circles you move it, it's not my experience - also in London. Sure there will be people around here competing to get into Dulwich at one end or Wilsons at the other and freaking out with expensive tutors etc., but that's their choice. It's been my choice (and many others who are not going mad) to send DC to local primaries and comps where they're doing fine and have a reasonable balance between study and other stuff, pursuing things if they're interested but not due to any external pressure. If you want to focus on the love of learning over grades, your DC in the wrong school and you're amongst the wrong peers. The fact you think this is just how it is now shows the gulf and, kind of ironically, the need for a broader education outside of that rate race bubble.

Just remembered - a friend who did send their DC to the kind of schools you're talking about, said how happy the DC was now they're in a 'normal' uni (having 'failed' to get into a top one) and they've realised that they're actually good at their subject whereas at the high achieving school, unless they were top of the class they felt like a failure. Now that high pressure is off and they're in a less 'elite' cohort, they've found their confidence and love of learning for its own sake.

I feel incredible sympathy with you. I went to high achieving private schools myself and did not ultimately do very well at A level or uni and swore I would not put my children under the pressure of a hot house London school. The perfectly normal state schools I chose were fine up until secondary and then to my surprise the parenting anxiety around school kicked in, completing homework fear of children getting detentions, minor SEN issues escalating, needing to intervene to prod /encourage children and /or pastoral systems.

What has been very interesting to me is that one of my children didn't cause me any anxiety at all...she was self motivated and sometimes her work was mediocre sometimes good sometimes brilliant but I left it to her. She has a creative career now and did well at uni too. I helped her but I didn't WORRY.

The other two were a constant source of worry because they found it all difficult and because I was desperate not to put pressure on them treading tight rope between trying to support but not create tension fear re academic results.

Looking back dealing with my own triggers re education would have been valuable grounding I was really angry that I had been this compliant good pupil who ended up not understanding how to write essays and fearing homework and for some reason transferred this fear to my parenting and to the school establishment. I think it was only my husband who got us through by demystifying the whole experience of school -" a necessary evil where you make friends and do what you can to get through" was his approach and "f off with holiday homework!!!!" But helping with research and a lot of moral support.
Whereas I feared the whole establishment as if I was a pupil myself.

So think about your own experiences and remember you don't have to make them learn piano, do sport or push them to be top of the class. They can be the worst in the class at passing tests for all you care and they still might be learning and thriving and making friends. Give them THAT message.

If your child has any neuro diversity or SPld or just taking time to develop their potential homework can be horrific and remember teachers are self selecting 'swots"usually not that ones that hated homework or ran amok so it is difficult for them to understand why ten spellings are stressful to fit in..not their fault but some families just fit together differently

I don’t really understand why people are on this thread responding if they hate private schools. Maybe just don’t look? Not all private schools are hot houses and we’re not all weirdo rat race parents intent on drilling our children into the ground.

One of the reasons I am stressed is precisely because I am VERY keen for my children to get bored/have free time/enjoy their childhood etc etc. trust me, I know a zallion parents way more hot housey than me, and many of them aren’t stressed at all because they just believe this is a good way to raise their kids!

Even in non London non private the schools vary lots in how much homework is set, ethos and general vibe. My kids bring home English, maths and times tables every week, reading books and AR quizzes, they both play an instrument so need to practice, then they choose after school clubs ie French, drama, which come with homework commitments or lines to learn. But parenting ethos does come into it as apparently lots of the kids do the homework at the start of class while others are reading. So perhaps you're putting some of this on yourself. What would happen if you eased up?

It also depends on the child, if they are academic they can whip through homework, if they are struggling academically it takes forever.

The London prep schools are under pressure to get their pupils into the top London secondary schools. This is largely what parents are paying for. However the top London secondary schools are hugely competitive so it requires a lot of hard work.

I mean that is a good question! I guess part of my coming on here is to see what it would all like if I eased up! The kids have various homeworks they HAVE to do but others that they are encouraged to do and I guess I could leave them to their own devices on that score…

I recognise what you describe. It’s not ‘doing extra’ it’s doing what the school requests. Some parents probably don’t bother. It is probably worse workloads in places seeking to prep young DC for 7+ and 11+ entry to selective private schools and 11+ entry for the small number of ‘superselective’ state grammars just outside London.

If the children are happy and have lots of friends I don't see the problem. The OP would probably worry about lack of homework and whether their grades will be good enough if they were in a less academic school, worriers are always worriers and it's so difficult to choose schools and be sure you made the best decision. If the children were unhappy then it's a different ballgame.

I don’t have generalised anxiety and I don’t think that telling someone they are “waffling” is either polite or helpful. I personally get the vibe from some responses here that they dislike what they perceive to be the “way” or goal of private schools. You are welcome to disagree, though of course you can only speak for yourself and I’d be grateful if you could do so politely and kindly.

I don’t really understand why people are on this thread responding if they hate private schools. Maybe just don’t look? Not all private schools are hot houses and we’re not all weirdo rat race parents intent on drilling our children into the ground

The thread comes up in Active so people aren't seeking it out in Private Schools, they're just responding to how stressed you are by pointing out the (fairly obvious) fact that a London prep school is gonna be charging people for precisely the things you're having an issue with. And if you know that not all private schools are hot houses with weirdo rat race parents, then clearly you need to vote with your wallet and send your kids to one of those schools with those peers instead.

How young are your children, Op?

I struggle myself, I'm always twitchy about getting the kids to do their work. Eg I've started on vocab games as early 11+ prep for ds who is in year 4. And I try to twist their book choices to read books I think are 'better'. DD is a good leveler for me as she'll point blank refuse to do things and it would damage my relationship with her if I kept on. I've had to just tell school this and they have picked some things up she won't do at home eg a dyslexia app. Sometimes school is best kept at school. I don't think there is supposed to be any hard evidence that homework in primary school makes any difference, is there?

It’s not private schools it’s you stating how stressed you are about your DC’s junior school homework!

You have no idea what state or other private school parents have experienced but you still berate them for their responses because they can’t possibly understand! Why? Because they have not experienced a London prep school like you and your DC😂

@Ricecakelove
What are you waffling on about
no one on this thread hates private schools

Really?
‘Did you get your job on your own merit or through family connectionse’ seems a pretty unpleasant comment.

Christmas and summer exams don't start until 10/11 in my school. We also don't give grades. Children get their tests back, corrected, but the percent only shows up on the parents' report.

Not really. It is a valid question. Someone who has experienced getting through school and built a career on their own merits would not feel stress over junior school homework. IMO.