Financially stretching for private school - worth it?

[DilemmaPenguin]

I'd love to hear from families for whom sending their DC to private school is a significant financial stretch - is it worth it? What aspects of school life in particular - smaller class sizes, something else?

We need to decide whether to take up DC's offer of a place at a wonderful private secondary school in about a month, and we're going round in circles about whether to 'make it work' financially, or send DC to state school and have a more comfortable life / be able to put money aside to help DC with driving lessons / university / house deposit when they're stepping into adulthood.

DH and I are on different sides of the fence.

For families who grappled with this choice and decided on state school, any regrets?

It's so hard as whichever we choose, we won't know whether things would have been different if we'd made the other choice - academically, socially, happiness.

I appreciate that this will come down to the individual child and the specific school options - I feel strongly that this particular private school would be a fantastic fit for our DC (we only have one) - DH thinks DC will thrive anywhere (bright and confident) so not worth the financial stretch and sacrifices.

For me, I absolutely would not trade wider cultural experiences, theatre trips, meals out, holidays abroad or future financial support for driving lessons, car and insurance, uni fees and living costs or even the almost essential support with house deposits etc for private school.

If you have disposable income then save it for every trip, experience, play, film, club, activity, musical instrument etc going, tutors and revision courses where necessary. Reduce your hours at work even and be very present and engaged through the exam years. Use the money for your time and to make solid family memories and experiences and then to give your DC support into adult life and independence.

I have teen DC who go to a looked down on comp that was RI. They're doing well, have nice friends, loads of opportunities and will get good grades. A lot of this is down to them and their willingness to work hard and join in, but it is also because we have the ability to support them in many different ways.

I would not want to send them to private school if it meant no or v few holidays, no theatre trips, no to school trips, and that I had to work loads more hours and not be spending as much time with them. I really really value being available to them so that they can have lifts and support as and when they need it.

In terms of cultural experiences my DM was the queen of establishing what was available for free/not much. I think I have gone to loads of community theatre and am dram. Plus museum kids and family events.

That is definitely there if you are minded to hunt it out.

It depends on your child. My kids couldn't care less about the theatre although they did go and see Matilda with their (private) school. They were happy with any bog standard chain eating out (not into posh restaurants) etc so I certainly wouldn't have sacrificed private school for those. My early 20s son is saving up for his own driving lessons and car. It really just all depends on personal circumstances and lifestyle. My kids were the private school kids who didn’t have skiing holidays or a car for their 18th birthday. The choice for private was because the local state was not good otherwise they would have gone there.

The school fees (plus VAT) are not the end of it. As other posters have said the school uniform is horrendously expensive and they will need a full sports kit as well plus sports bags, swimming bags, et cetera. Then in a lot of private schools, school dinners are compulsory and charged at a higher rate than State school.
Factor into that school visits and foreign educational trips. And the extra costs you will have to pay of getting them to school on Saturdays for fixtures. And then in our child’s case, they are taking them on a two night outdoor survival trip which is £600. I’m not sure how they’re getting away with this when they won’t have a roof over their heads and by the sounds of it will be foraging for their own food but everyone will pay it nevertheless.
Not to mention your child’s endless comparison with other kids who take multiple foreign holiday holidays per year. Oh and keeping up with the Joneses when it comes to birthday parties.

Sure you can opt out of some of these, but your child will feel it.

We sent 2 sons to an academically selective independent boys' senior school. It was a massive financial stretch. They're now early 20s and I don't regret a penny.
It was a 'cool to be clever' school which was hugely important to me. It also prioritised sports and outdoor activities for everyone at a level they'd enjoy and emphasised diversity and respect for all. Yes there were very rich people there but as we live in an affluent part of the country, that was the same in local state schools, who'd bought into the right catchment.
My sons thrived there in every way - academically, physically, emotionally and socially.
They went on to great universities and are starting out now in (very different) chosen careers.
I honestly believe that the financial sacrifice was the best possible thing we could have done for them.

I am politically and socially dead set against private schools, and yet both my children ended up to private school for part of their education, and I hate to admit, it was very good for them. <<sigh!>>

From an academic perspective I wouldn't do it. I think smart kids do well no matter where they are. But the right private school can provide the experience or support for unusual aspects of education that state schools just cannot unfortunately.

One DC wanted to study maths, a language and drama for A levels, and none of the state schools could make this happen because of the blocks, and being such an unusual combination of interests. Private school supported the choice, and DC got transformed. Drama was much better than at state school, friends were all into school, extra curriculars, etc DC ended up doing 5 A levels and completely changing their outlook.

Neighbour's kid in contrast went to a different private school, known for the good pastoral care and ended up with some serious drug use issues. So, it definitely depends on schools, the kid, and the reasons.....

An option if it will be financially difficult is to wait for A levels?

Depends on The alternative really.
I knew the Comp my DC would get allocated and I would have moved Heaven and Earth for them not to go there. If we had had a decent State alternative (even if it wasn't perfect) we would have opted for State.
Plus, while we obviously don't have as much money as we would have done I can't say we struggled to pay fees really

Honestly, if you can’t afford the extras I wouldn’t. The uniforms alone run to hundreds of pounds. Then there’s all the extra curriculars - it’s much more expected that children at an independent school will take music lessons or sports coaching etc. Not to mention the school trips skiing, or to Florence or whatever - it’s hard being the child who can’t do what their peers are doing.

We're in a very similar position. We'd hoped but not expected that my daughter would get a full scholarship (the school offers 1!). She didn't, but she did get offered the max bursary available.

I'd have to go full time to make it affordable, and we'd have to do without holidays, home improvements etc.

It's a tough decision because it's my DD who is pushing it, not us!

I think you'd be completely mad to go private when it'd be a struggle and you have a state school that's 'good enough'. Don't underestimate how miserable it is penny pinching about everything else that makes life enjoyable. Your dd will be less keen on the private school when you can't afford to do anything else and as others have said the costs tend to go up and up.

People tend to forget that the majority of children at top universities went to ordinary state schools.

You'll probably find that she'll be at the same unis and in similar jobs to her friends from state school and you'll be broke and wondering exactly what you paid for.

Also, she'll be in the top sets where behaviour management is less of a problem.

Yes, definitely for us. I live in an area where the Grammer and private schools are outstanding but states are very poor. Our local state school closed a few years ago. We decided private due to little support for our dc's. They are all dyslexic and it was the best decision for them. They attended a lovely little state primary school but we had to paid to get them diagnosed as the primary school had no funding. They needed full time support and would of stuggled in a state environment.
We remortgage our home and our eldest is now has a place at Art college due to receiving great grades in her GCSE's and A-levels. It has given them the tools to help with their learning. My Dsis lived in another part of the UK where the States schools are really good and my Niece is doing very well. Goodluck in your decision.

It was worth it for us but only specifically because of music, which wasn't offered at the local state schools at a level worth doing for my child. They are now heading to conservatoire to study singing - I doubt this would have happened had they gone to the state school. I suppose something else would have come along though!

Round here the serious musicians learn at the youth music trust and/or travel into London for the Saturday schools at the conservatoires.

It's definitely worth researching thoroughly.

I mean I still spend £500-£1,000 a year on that stuff but that is a heck of a lot less than £15k-£30k!

People say "just pay for tutors" but I always think it's miserable to muddle along in school and then do the real work in the 5-7pm slot. I really wanted my DC to learn in school - without extra tutoring, so chose private. It's a stretch though. But not a terrible one - just holidays in Wales rather than big spending.

They did quite a few residentials but we live a long way from any city so casual visits to London didn't happen often. The daily music and singing at school was definitely worth the money in our situation.

For us it has been worth it - yes our local state school would have been ‘good enough’, as it gets good results and lots of my daughter’s friends are doing ok there. It has a good ofsted with some outstanding categories. But things like - the queue for the canteen can be so long that you might not get to the front by the end of your very short lunch time, the food on offer is abysmal anyway - burgers offered every day - if you bring packed lunch there’s not enough tables so they sit on the floor in the corridors to eat. Little quality extra curricular provision. The stories I’ve heard from my friends about what their children have been exposed to on the buses to/from school.

We have had to make many sacrifices to afford independent school and dd will probably get the same grades/end up at the same uni as her friends from the state school, but hopefully her time there will be pleasant and enjoyable, not just ‘good enough’. She thoroughly loves it there and bounces in happily every day.

Of course, not all schools are equal - there’s another independent school close to us which we wouldn’t touch with a barge pole and would have sent dd to the state school over that one.

To add - my children went to state primary school before going independent at secondary school- again, it was ‘good enough’ but not great (quiet children were overlooked, children who were middling were left to get on with it, good quiet children used as behaviour tools to manage disruptive children) and if we could have afforded to go independently earlier we would have, but we prioritised secondary.

We definitely prioritised other things. The local single sex comp is very good the results similar to the all girls private. We prefer to teach the manners / morals etc ourselves. Meant we could travel as a family. We do love eating out and cultural events as do our teens and we have had many happy times doing these things. We use tutors if needed. Both teens thriving happy with gorgeous friends. Dd1 has top results and off to RG university. So for us - glad we didn’t choose private.

Would have been hell of a stretch for us with two kids and zero family financial support. Just not worth it if state option is good. About 90% of our university educated professional type friends (doctors solicitors etc) opted for state too.

Absolutely same here. No regrets at all and I don’t believe that private is better. I’ve been to both and don’t subscribe at all
to private is automatically better. In a lot of ways it isn’t. We could afford to send kids but chose not to. Best decision ever.

If it’s a stretch why do it? Why not enjoy nice holidays, activities and nice things.

If there is a great senior school available why on earth would you spend all that money. Insanity.

This is so interesting as we are facing the same decision @DilemmaPenguin. DC’s bestie goes to the nearest indie and loves it, we went to visit and thought it was great BUT…local school we are guaranteed a place at is in special measures (or whatever that is called now) but we stand a reasonable chance of getting into a out of catchment but very close (4 miles away!) outstanding secondary where DC doesn’t know anyone, or a ‘good’ secondary that is close and most of her primary friends will go to.
Our current thinking is to apply for both state secondary schools and do the exams for the indie “just in case”. Selfishly I’d rather not spend the money if I don’t have to and indie schools round here are bubble so state will defo give exposure to a wider cross section of society which I genuinely think will benefit in later life. I had flatmates at uni who had never met a state school person before (other than waiters, obvs 🙄) and I don’t want DC to be that sheltered!
Equally I worry about them being bullied for being ‘posh’ at the two state options…

@HumphreyCobblers I'd never criticise anyone who chose independent for music, drama, dance, sport, SEN, languages, classics etc etc. It can be much more practical to have provision within school.

My old school had a full time nurse on site which was v helpful for students with serious health conditions.

I would send them to the state, and that way you will have money for tutors and can save for uni support/their future (house deposit etc).

We are seeing a lot of friends whose kids were at big name private schools going on to pretty normal universities (not Oxbridge/St Andrew's etc). Even when you've spent £120k or so on private schools, then supported them through uni, they need to go into well paid careers to get on their feet. If you can afford to part with the money fine, but if you're stretching yourself it doesn't seem worth it.

Other friends have taken the decision to save the money they would have spent on private schools and put it towards saving for their DCs first property. That way they can follow a career they are passionate about and don't have to stress about following the money.

I know a lot of people are saying "get tutors" but be aware that these are in huge demand and often parents won't give you the number of theirs or tell you how much their DC is doing/cost etc. It can be very cut throat, particularly if you are in London or a Grammar area. Worst case would be a bad state and tutors fully booked through 11+ through senior school (most kids I know in Grammar kept the tutors they had for 11+, meaning they have no spaces for new students). Something to bear in mind if you need to discover and book them in advance.

If getting DC into a high ranking Uni is all you are doing it for then don't. If it's experiences, clubs, lifelong friends with niche interests, love of learning or SEN then the right private can be well worth it.

Crappy State and Tutors is only the way to go IF exam results is your only goal.
For us we wanted a good school experience overall and while I know its possible to get that in a lot of State schools I didn't feel it was in the one we had available.