Financially stretching for private school - worth it?

[DilemmaPenguin]

I'd love to hear from families for whom sending their DC to private school is a significant financial stretch - is it worth it? What aspects of school life in particular - smaller class sizes, something else?

We need to decide whether to take up DC's offer of a place at a wonderful private secondary school in about a month, and we're going round in circles about whether to 'make it work' financially, or send DC to state school and have a more comfortable life / be able to put money aside to help DC with driving lessons / university / house deposit when they're stepping into adulthood.

DH and I are on different sides of the fence.

For families who grappled with this choice and decided on state school, any regrets?

It's so hard as whichever we choose, we won't know whether things would have been different if we'd made the other choice - academically, socially, happiness.

I appreciate that this will come down to the individual child and the specific school options - I feel strongly that this particular private school would be a fantastic fit for our DC (we only have one) - DH thinks DC will thrive anywhere (bright and confident) so not worth the financial stretch and sacrifices.

As a teacher I would say it's not worth it. Since I had my daughter and started tutoring full time I have been shocked at the quality of teaching in private schools. We are in London and I'd say 90% of my tutees are privately educated, and go to some schools that are known for being great on paper. Yet they still need me! And a lot of them seem to have tutors for multiple subjects, so their parents are paying in some cases 10+ grand a term for school plus tuition. I have a look at their lessons, their work and marking from their exams and honestly its average and in some cases I've seen much better resources in state secondary schools I've worked in.

“Kids can thrive anywhere” is not necessarily true. I went to an awful inner city state school (put in special measures while I was doing my GCSEs and then closed down a few years after I left) and whilst yes I was one of the top achieving kids in my year at GCSE I firmly believe I did not achieve my full potential.

There were fights in class, kids caught carrying knives (though thankfully never any stabbings), parents attacking teachers - I witnessed my female maths teacher punched in the face in the school car park by a mother who was angry her highly disruptive daughter had been given detention.

The school couldn’t hang on to teachers and were constantly fire fighting (literally sometimes!) so inevitably teaching standards were poor.

I’m determined that my kids won’t have the same experience. Our local state secondary school is “ok” but we have a couple of well regarded (but not elite) independent schools nearby. We started putting money aside when DD was 6 so have a comfortable lump sum that we can use that alongside a bit from income to cover fees. We’re lucky that our salaries have gone up quite a bit in recent years so it will all be comfortable for both DD and DS.

We have boy/girl twins - 1 in a government school and 1 in local private (small classes sizes needed for Sen). Unless you are putting your child in a top top private school - my experience is it’s better to put a child in state and then use the funds for tutors / better house etc. children enjoy going to local shops as make local friend - tutors provide better education than a child in a small private school classes but it’s 1-1 and they can focus on a child’s weakness. My child in private school has been to two private schools - I do not consider their education better than my child in state infact I don’t in my aspects think it’s even as good - but they have flourished in the small class sizes.

go to local schools not local shops!

I find @PokerFriedDips's post very measured (probably because I've got a rather similar sounding ND child myself).

But mine's doing much better academically at the state school. I don't regret the expensive primary at all as she absolutely loved it, but I did not want her around for the most part, very wealthy, peers, as she hit her teens. She is very influenced by peers. I wanted her to meet more of a range - and to realise how lucky she is!

I might have been swayed by the better music provision at independents, however, had we not had an excellent local music charity.

So, very area dependent. Very child dependent.

As a teacher I've been well treated in state schools and poorly in independent schools, and vice versa (and monied parents can be horrid too, although unlikely to hit you...)

It is all so variable. You have to do your research and then kind of go with your gut feeling like with any other big decision.

We are in London and I'd say 90% of my tutees are privately educated, and go to some schools that are known for being great on paper.

I've said on here that dc in private school also use tutors & have often been scoffed at. But I come from a teaching family, work in education and have lots of friends who teach. Many of them have tutored or tutor private and grammar school dc.

But perhaps it's more of a thing in London.

DD private all girls school until 6th form then moved to local mixed grammar school as due to changes at the school there was no 6th form options for her subjects that did not involve travelling to other schools. She therefore chose the grammar school. She struggled at first at the grammar school as much bigger and noisier but they prepared her well for Uni. If you cannot easily afford the fees for private then don’t send them there.

If you and DH have different views then this could come back as a bone of contention when an unexpected expense arises, new boiler, car breaks down and all of any contingency fund that you may have is used or you don’t have. If your child is supported and so inclined they will learn regardless. I dread to think how much my nephew’s education cost, it was money down the drain whereas all his cousins went to state school and did much better than him.

This feels very important to me. I worry about DC dialling down their effort in order not to stand out, at state school.

Does the state option stream the kids by ability? If they do then you don’t need to worry so much about the effects of bad behaviour in the classroom.

If the private option is a stretch I would take the state option. The fees will only go up.

My son is very clever and instead of being mocked (as I was at state school and still nowhere near as smart as him) his classmates were in awe. This was a private school.

I would say though that if money is tight it is a huge stress to meet the costs. If you have a decent state school I would seriously consider it. I had many sleepless nights over the costs when my financial circumstances changed for the worse.

We did state primary, lovely little village school with great teachers etc.
Our local state secondary options are dire (think bottom of the national tables for GCSE results in consecutive years) so we are doing indy secondary. It is night and day compared to the state options and DD is flying because the culture is to celebrate achievement (whether academic or sports or music etc). We have seen her confidence grow in all subjects, and her own abilities so much so that she sat, and was awarded, a an academic scholarship for Yr 9-11. The pupil/staff dynamic is really positive and the teachers have time to get to know each child and freedom to teach outside of the national curriculum which means they can be more creative.

It simply isn't true that a bright kid will do well anywhere, they may do OK but if their teachers are spending majority of lessons managing behaviour rather than teaching/lots of supply teachers rather than steady subject specialists, then they won't reach their full potential.

It is certainly a sacrifice and VAT is making it a lot harder but we will go without holidays etc of it means we can keep her there. For us, the benefit of her having such a positive school experience is worth the sacrifice.

If we had good state secondary options we probably wouldn't have chosen indy but we don't so.....Most people who are against indy schools are privileged to live near really good state schools.

My parents did this for my brother and I for secondary. I was very academic and having been at a state primary school which was excellent found it so boring not being stretched or able to outside the curriculum. The facilities were excellent too which I admit helped a lot. The class sizes were significantly smaller than at the local state secondary but not too small either which meant the teacher could spend time helping those who needed it. Not only this but the behaviour was so much better and meant the lessons were actually about teaching the subject and not behaviour management. I had friends from primary school who went to state school and those who wanted to go to Uni and were keen in academics really struggled with the lack of teaching and disruptions. My brother who whilst was not as academic but passed the entrance exam was very into sport and is now a professional and again having the facilities and coaching staff really helped support him. Yes I had to fund my driving lessons and got far less support financially from my parents during my time at University and won’t have much help (if any) with a house deposit but I have worked part time jobs since I was 16 and in the holidays and this kept me grounded and very good at managing money and earning money and appreciating it!

How much of a stretch is it?

And is your DC an only child?

My parents did this for me and I am eternally grateful.

However are you up for never having a holiday, rarely going out, second hand everything, driving a rusty old banger, DIY anything that needs doing to your house?

And that the fees will go up every year? And the ridiculous school trips?

I honestly don't think I could make the sacrifices my parents made. However I did end up with a ferocious work ethic so they got the results they were looking for.

The state schools in London and the SE I've taught in since 2010 have had much more of a genuine "culture of achievement" than the state grammar I went to in the 80s and the independent school I taught in a few years ago.

It is so school and leadership and child dependent and can change over time.

We chose state despite being able to comfortably afford private. We're just not private school people, it would be a real last resort for us.

As others have said, I think it depends on precisely how much of a stretch it is, as well as on the particular schools and child in question. Be aware that there can plenty of hidden costs - it's not just the fees you need to budget for- and that costs are likely to go up higher up the school.
I think there's a big difference between the fees meaning you can't holiday abroad every year and the fees meaning you have to sell your house and downsize or similar (I know someone who did that). Another consideration is the burden of responsibility that knowing that can inadvertently place on the child. I know several families where the parents made big financial sacrifices for independent schooling and the children are now adults with a somewhat strained relationship with their families, either because they felt obliged to stay at schools where they weren't really happy because they knew that their parents were making huge sacrifices, or because they haven't "lived up to expectations" in terms of results, paths they want to take after school not being what their parents wanted etc. Obviously I only know a small sample of people and there are probably lots of very happy and successful adults who were in this situation but I think it is a potential issue that you should be aware of so that if that is your situation you can try to mitigate against future problems.

Also when I went to university I got a lot of sneering at from people who had been to state school - who I rapidly realised lived in much larger houses, had been skiing every year, long haul holidays, and their parents were wealthy enough to move into the catchment of the desirable state school.

And yet they assumed I was rolling in cash - in reality I qualified for hardship funds.

What does your child want to do?

DC likes both schools, especially excited at the prospect of the private school

I had the same experience

I've seen positive and negative with people who've gone to private school. People who've grasped the opportunity, thrived and gone on to really successful careers. Others, just a complete waste of money. One who suffered with severe mental health due to the pressure.