Financially stretching for private school - worth it?

[DilemmaPenguin]

I'd love to hear from families for whom sending their DC to private school is a significant financial stretch - is it worth it? What aspects of school life in particular - smaller class sizes, something else?

We need to decide whether to take up DC's offer of a place at a wonderful private secondary school in about a month, and we're going round in circles about whether to 'make it work' financially, or send DC to state school and have a more comfortable life / be able to put money aside to help DC with driving lessons / university / house deposit when they're stepping into adulthood.

DH and I are on different sides of the fence.

For families who grappled with this choice and decided on state school, any regrets?

It's so hard as whichever we choose, we won't know whether things would have been different if we'd made the other choice - academically, socially, happiness.

I appreciate that this will come down to the individual child and the specific school options - I feel strongly that this particular private school would be a fantastic fit for our DC (we only have one) - DH thinks DC will thrive anywhere (bright and confident) so not worth the financial stretch and sacrifices.

I wouldn't in your position (I say that as someone with a DC who went to private primary and now attends a state secondary).

I would save the equivalent of the fees for year 7 and year 8 and re-evaluate that summer before GCSEs.

We decided against but luckily we were near an outstanding school so the dc did well. We were able to pay for private tutors and take the dcs on great holidays.
The most important thing about the school was a culture within peers that it was cool to be clever. I know of other kids where they were teased if they were doing well or called geeks and so on if they were in top sets.

Whichever choice you make you will look for evidence that validates that choice, and you won't know what would have happened. Stretching yourselves will give you a more precarious situation and no buffers, potentially of time and money. It's like if you earn more you tend to buy a bigger house and a flasher car and you never FEEL better off - your relative wealth could mean you can go all out for enriching extra curriculars and travel. That's what dsil decided to do in your position. Both her dds did well, went to uni and have great ability and the social capital of being great confident communicators and one has bagged a very enviable job in a big London firm. I went to private school, it was a good school, I benefitted, but I am not a better person or a richer person because of it and neither is my sibling.

It depends what you mean by stretch. We could not afford ds school fees out of our salaries, we have 2 children and are sending one private for years 9-11 only. Dd had a mostly very good experience of state school and did well academically and socially. Ds was in bottom sets, repeatedly getting bullied, getting quite good at entertaining his class mates but not on track for good exam grades, we felt school had decided he was incapable.

We had enough savings to cover his fees, they were earmarked for paying down our mortgage, but that is affordable, we didn’t need savings but obviously didn’t want to be without a buffer. We have a fairly low mortgage and could increase that if needed. We pay about 50% of fees from income, we have cut back on holidays, drive fairly old, modest cars, we don’t spend much on clothes and we have both taken on quite stressful promotions. Dd will get the lowest student loans so we are mindful that we will have to support her and possibly ds through university. It’s a financial stretch, but we definitely aren’t struggling. We have in the past had inheritance which has allowed the low mortgage and savings.

Fees have gone up every year, as has the bus service school provides, if we didn’t have a savings buffer we’d be screwed.

And there is a lot you can do externally. If needed we will use a tutor (used one already to help dc with handwriting). Our primary school already does stuff like debate club, LAMDA, musical tuition, lots of sports. We also have a myriad of extracurriculars on our doorstep, art clubs, tennis, cricket, climbing, etc so every term I do a mix of stuff through school and externally depending on what they want to try.

The most important thing about the school was a culture within peers that it was cool to be clever. I know of other kids where they were teased if they were doing well or called geeks and so on if they were in top sets.

Very good point

I think it depends what the alternative is.

We were allocated a place at a failing local comp that even Ofsted said wasn't safe. They wound up the trust and fired the governors the following year but I wasn't prepared to let DS go there. He'd already been bullied at primary because he liked reading and science, and didn't like football. He was already lonely, angry and miserable.

Thankfully he won a scholarship to an independent 20 miles away. I'm a single mum so still a huge stretch for me but worth every penny.

DS was a different child within about 6 weeks. He has friends, he's happy and engaged. The new school were brilliant at building his confidence at PE and undoing the damage done at Primary.

Now he has 10 good GCSEs, he's doing physics, maths and DT a'levels. He's confident and happy, gym-going and enjoying himself. I have 4 terms to pay. Nearly there ! 😅

DH went to a private school, I didn’t. We could have afforded it without too much of an issue but decided against. We knew we could tutor some subjects ourselves if needed which we did.

Our DS is in his early twenties now. We have known 4 children of friends be privately educated, two sisters and two single male children. One girl is now a secondary school teacher and the other is taking a science subject at a middling University currently. One boy has set up his own business and is doing ok and also does marketing for a firm, the other boy, the last I heard was unemployed. the lad that is doing marketing was sent to a private school as he had anxiety and the classes were much smaller.

Our DS is on a degree apprenticeship, he attended a not great state school if I’m honest and even faced a bit of racism. He handled himself well, worked hard and got all top grades. I’m really glad we didn’t fork out the money as he has ended up in a good place without that expense.

@Worldgonecrazy I think that’s the best advice I have ever seen on a thread about education.

Can you go back to the school and ask if there is a little more bursary available?

Tbh unless you know you can also save alongside private for university as well as a little help them set themselves up for life then Private school imho not worth it financially anymore. If the alternative option is dire or your child has SEN then it’s a different story though and it may be worth it.

Graduating without loads of university debt and having money for helping with a deposit on a house is far more going to benefit a child these days in the long run than a private school education for a DC that is clearly bright.

My reasoning is that you can make the change later that way round but it would be traumatic to have to take her out due to financial pressures.

I have experience professionally with DC who have come back into the state system at 16 and it is hard for them.

Good is good! Getting Ofsted Outstanding includes a lot of metrics that aren't really of much interest to most parents, and can distract staff attention from the kind of things that actually improve the pupil experience.

I think it’s very unwise.

Also to clarify my first post, state schools often start GCSE content in year 9, especially in Science.

This is so true and why it's difficult to ask opinions as we all find ways to justify our own choices.

We took the gamble with state and it's working out really well so far. 21 yo heading for a good degree at a RG uni, Y11 child heading towards a low 8 GCSE average, Y10 child heading towards similar despite having a mild learning disability.

Fortunately ours had preferred the state offerings over the private, so always worked hard lest we hoik them out and stick them in private!

It depends entirely on what your choice of state school is like. We had one choice which was dire (ironically twenty years later it’s highly regarded and over subscribed) so we made the sacrifice. It was a sacrifice though and I have my doubts about whether it was worth it. Friends whose children went to decent state schools were happy with their choice and their adult children are every bit as successful.

No it isn't worth it. Your dc will come out with the same gcse results on all likelihood. High flyers do well in good state schools. You are paying to weed out the rough kids and have a posher environment. If you can easily afford it then fine but if not it is just daft.

Depends what you mean by stretch! One persons stretching is another's comfortable. I wouldn't opt for private if it means you can't do anything as a family, can't afford car repairs, would struggle with extra curricular activities etc but I'd forgo expensive cars and long haul holidays for better education.

Another option is to go private just for 6th form, one of my dc got a 6th form scholarship so boarded which was a great opportunity

But kids can thrive anywhere, my dc1 has all a stars from a secondary in special measures and has sen, it's not a case of fancy school = better

Ive know this situation where families have chosen the state and moved their child to private at christmas. With all the added cost and the loss of making new friends at the same time as everyone else.

what can you do to make the cost more confortable?

It really depends on the child and the school.

In our case it wasn't just the smaller class sizes but the culture and expectation. DC very intelligent, neurodiverse in the "high functioning" (ie masking) kind of way and in (state) primary school had a definite tendency to work below full academic capacity preferring to do minimal actual work and not focus and thus not meeting full potential rather than drawing (unwanted) attention by actually working hard, so just doing enough to avoid (unwanted) attention due to not working hard enough. So we felt that being in an academically selective school where "below average for the class" was still very good would be a better environment than a mixed-ability situation. The minimum acceptable standard of achievement is higher due to the more generally studious and focused culture.

Financially we are on the cusp. Our houshold income (about £70k gross) is way below the level at which many Mumsnetters think is the absolute minimum to consider private (I've seen people claiming that you'd need minimum £100k or £120k)

Yes it has been worth it. We are having to dip into savings this year as the VAT has taken it beyond what we can actually manage - but thankfully this is our last year.

There have been no issues of feeling poorer than others etc. Clearly some of the families are much better off than us but there are plenty of bursary recipients whose level of affordable living is similar to/below ours and there's no snobbishness. We saved up enough for DC to join one of the overseas trips, which was brilliant.

There have been some things that would have nade it even more "worth it" that were available but our DC didn't choose to take advantage of as much as other DC. The range of extracurricular, sporting, arts & culture opportunities have been phenomenal, far and away orders of magnitude more than what is available at our local state schools. I am annoyed at DC for not engaging with these much but its really down to the neurodiversity and wanting to minimise social interaction and operate without being the focus of attention and with the rest of the school all being full of confident talented people vying for attention that's not been hard.

But it has been worth it because DC has genuinely enjoyed the years of secondary school not just survived, has grown massively in cobfidence and resilience, and is on track for decent grades which probably aren't hugely different from what would have been achieved at state - perhaps one grade higher across the board but nothing earth-shattering - and has identified a career choice and got a place on a course for next year which will be perfect.

What is he doing now as a career?

rather crucially, what does your DD want to do? What is she good at? What are her passions? I think it’s completely individual what type of school will be best for a child. My brother and I went to a private school and while he excelled, I wish I had stayed in a state school where I was thriving.

When I was looking at schools for DS, I arranged taster days for him at two state and two independent schools.

I went to all of their parents evenings with a list of questions and to look at facilities. The state school we were offered was a complete shambles, a real shock. The other state school had a lovely enthusiastic head teacher who had been in post for two terms, and I would have trusted, but then he was offered a HT role in Barbados so he left.

Then ds and I compared notes and we had each chosen the same school. He knew immediately where he wanted to go, so he went for the scholarship. If he hadn't won it, I'm not sure what I would have done.

This has been my approach. Been very lucky that one child is at grammar and the other at a very good state secondary. I've made saving for university and deposits instead.

It was a huge stretch for me but I never regretted it. I asked my kids a couple of years after they left school if they regretted going rather than the local state and they didn't so that was good to hear.

I wouldn't pay for primary school though (prep) so it was state primary, private senior.

Our independent isn't 'fancy' at all. Quite the opposite. The drama and music rooms are in an elderly 'terrapin' - one of those temporary class rooms. There are no trophy cars in the car park. Most of the parents I've met are either armed forces, drive tatty hatch backs or farm landrovers.

But the quality of teaching and the pastoral care is outstanding. It is one of the calmest places I've ever been.