Pupil of the week upset

[Cactus5]

My year 5 child still hasn't been picked to be pupil of the week and is feeling upset about it. He was also not given any parts in school plays or church readings this year, which he used to enjoy. He loves praise and responsibility.
He is working at greater depth, is quite confident and has lots of friends. Last year, he was part of the school council and he's always had parts in Christmas plays.
His teacher pulled me up a few weeks ago for the first time to say he had been moved twice due to chatting in lessons. My son explained that he had done this because he was excited about his friends' sleepover (he was sitting next to his best friend) and was finished with all his work. I feel like he's given up working hard and seems less confident. What is the best way to address it?

But that's how the parent felt and I guess many others do so as well.

The problem is, children feel different about these things. It's a validation in front of their peers and celebrating achievement with friends. And children will know who has been left out....

You need to teach them it’s just a way to uplift and cheer on children who are struggling and give your own children deep innate confidence by parenting well.

Our primary was ridiculous went too far the other way. Remember one dd getting a “good sitting” certificate fgs

Oh I feel this, my quiet, rule-abiding daughter is upset for an almost identical reason. She is currently trying extra hard to be perfect to get the award but it's so detrimental to her - she's sobbing that she tries so hard to be perfect but is never good enough. We try and do so much to stop this mindset because this system is ridiculous, but she's too young to understand that these awards are really to try an encourage the naughty kids to behave.

My DD1 was the same. hardworking, well-behaved, straight As - she never even touched the sides at her secondary school. Went all the way through without being noticed. To the extent that the deputy head asked her, at the 6th form open evening, if she needed directions because they didn't even recognise her! She hated that school. And when they asked her why she wasn't going to their shiny new 6th form, she told them why! Her 6th form school was a different kettle of fish, fortunately.

I'm so sorry your DS feels sad, OP. I would definitely mention it to the teacher when you are next chatting.

If something was bothering my son he was always given the choice, did it really matter? Could we find a solution? Could he speak to the teacher? or would he like me to speak to the teacher?
When his school had badges for earning Merits, he refused to wear the badges even though he had a whole set. 😁

There are other and better ways to reward the under the radar kids.

I did a lot of supply so when I walked in to a new classroom it was a bit like someone put a magnifying glass on the class, the noisy ones became more noisy, the challenging ones became more challenging, the quieter ones just tried to ignore the others and work. And to be honest it was difficult to notice some of the class.

I have, in my time, phoned parents to say, look I know your son / daughter is working to the best of their ability, it might seem all my attention is on one section of the class but I do notice the hard workers.

One college I was out our department had 'post cards home' every month any member of staff could nominate a student and we would discuss who got one and why.

There was something about students receiving a postcard in the post that students liked, they were not given in front of the class and if the student didn't mention it to a friend they had one no one would know.

Disrupting others is reason enough for them not to get it, your view of your child sounds vastly different to the schools.

Don't ever expect anything from a state school. I gave up a couple of years ago.

Not my child! 😂

Goodness makes me feel better about all the unpaid overtime I do to support pupils

At secondary school,we had a merit system-a orangey ticket for anything good

I was the typical tries-and-behaves-but-never-gets-noticed kid (and being dyslexic didn't help)

The naughty ones/the ones who faces fit got loads

I got 3 the whole time I was there

My brothers started (and they created hell) and had them coming out of their ears and arses

'Didn't bring weed to school?'
Merit
'Didn't attack a teacher?'
Merit
'Didnt get caught smoking this lunchtime?'
Merit
'Didn't smack anyone today?'
Merit
'You didn't cause chaos in one class today?'
Merit

(My mother was the classic 'my boys wouldn't do that' mother and refused to support the school,so they got away with everything)

It was shit and pointless

Same happens at work-if your related to the manager or she likes you,you get 'star of the month/quarter/year'

I've been there 10 years and never had it (im told im good at my job),the main managers sister had been there 2 months and won 'star of the month' twice and 'star of the year' (and almost £300 in vouchers)

We all see it's pointless

Poor kid that’s a pity

I would definitely have a word with the teacher, and point out your dc is feeling very demotivated and perhaps it could be because he has not had any recognition all year and not been given an opportunity to be “seen” in a play or do a reading or have a role in class. You can say it’s a real shame to see him losing heart, and you are not surprised he has lost focus in class.

He is working at greater depth, is quite confident and has lots of friends. Last year, he was part of the school council and he's always had parts in Christmas plays.

Your child is academic, confident and has a good friendship group. All of this is far more important to his future & current hapiness and success than a star of the week certficate. Maybe others got the parts this year because they hadnt had as many opportunities previously? Maybe if he works on cutting out on the chatting he'll get it in the final few weeks? There are only so many weeks in the year - someone has to be last. The fact that they are esentially just rotated through the class is why I think they arent great.

Im pretty sure if you speak to the teacher he'll get or they'll say if he reduces the chat he will. I'd just focus on praising his efforts and achievements and telling him not to worry it isnt a big deal instead though. I know others will disagree, but in honesty that is how id handle it.

They probably don't get it when they're very disruptive. They get it on the weeks when they're (a little) less disruptive.

With some teachers - and schools - there comes a point where hard work and achievement work against you - you can speak in public so you don’t need a speaking part. You are good at sport so let’s team you with someone with no coordination and let others play a team game. You do well in tests so you don’t need the prize for doing well.

And if it’s overdone bright children do get dispirited and start to play up as a result.

I had to pull my daughter from a school because of that. She’s grown into a kind caring thoughtful and very intelligent you lady. she was heading for delinquency. Bright children need stretching and they need as much praise as other children

When my kids started at their school I was quite sceptical of star of the week because obviously every child gets it once so it's meaningless, isn't it?
In our school, parents are invited into the celebration assembly. I went in and ... It changed my mind completely. The teachers spoke for two or three minutes about each child. They clearly saw my children, knew my children and had spotted the things they were good at, which weren't always academic. (One child got it for excellent acting in the school play, another for long jump, which he was thrilled about as he loves PE).
My kids' school has loads of ways the children can be celebrated. Any child can volunteer to play an instrument or sing in assembly. They can volunteer to share an achievement out of school which can be sport, drama etc. They get house points, and the child with the most house points in each year is celebrated every week. Year 6 children can volunteer to run the assembly. All the year 6s help out with sports day and all the children from Reception upwards have little classroom jobs.
I do think it's worth talking to the teacher, because my kids told me about none of these things!
Also ... Being given Greater Depth in a school report is literally recognition for talents? I don't share the whole of my kids' school reports with them, but I absolutely pass on any positives to them.
I have one greater depth kid and one working towards, and honestly the greater depth kid gets validation every single day from pages of correct maths problems, smiley faces on writing tasks and top marks in spelling tests. The working towards kid is the one who waits every week hoping he'll be star of the week and worrying when he isn't.

I found this too. There were situations where the quiet and self-controlled behaviour were more 'used' than rewarded, in keeping the peace with seating plans re some people who were more restless.

As a result sadness (very rarely sitting with friends), anxiety (prefers getting on and a quieter life in the harder lessons), and willingness to talk and be themselves fluctuated too.

@Morethanafeelingdoodoodoo My dsis got AAA at A level in the early 1980s. As you probably know, that was quite unusual in non science subjects back then. However, another girl got exactly the same results in the same subjects. Guess who got 3 subject prizes on speech day and who got none! DM was so cross, especially as DF had died 2 years earlier just before O levels.

So, I dislike star of the week and prizes! They should maintain a list of who gets what and when but most primary schools give nothing for academics. Sport - yes. Everyone sees who wins the races but no one knows who does well at maths!

@Cactus5 I would also explain to dc that he must ask for more work if he’s finished. The teacher should check but lots don’t bother. So if the teacher was great she would be checking his progress. I’d encourage him to ask for more work otherwise the school isn’t challenging the brighter dc and they must.

I think he cannot expect a part in everything though. There might be others who haven’t had a chance. Teachers do often choose the reliable confident ones but it’s not like he’s never done anything. If he doesn’t get a star of the week before the end of term, query it because it’s obviously deliberate.

I would probably mention it to the teacher. Surely every child should get it. There’s enough weeks. My child’s class is now back to some kids getting it twice because all the children in the class have had it

The idea that upper KS2 kids don’t know how they are doing academically and roughly how they compare to their peers is fanciful. Kids need supporting in gaining satisfaction from their own achievements and progress not from external certificates or peer comparisons. Doing well on an assessment and seeing positive comments about your work is rewarding in itself. If you play well in a match, perform well in a play or do well or make progress in an academic subject then that is satisfying in itself. If adults (parents, teachers etc.) give genuine praise all the better. Getting a certificate in assembly that is essentially circulated through the class - does it really make any difference? I understand some kids do care, but I saw part of my role as a parent as learning to manage those emotions. Talking about what had real value and explaining that sometimes these reward systems however well intentioned might not be perfect is what I would focus on. By 9, 10 or 11 I think kids who have a lot going for them can learn to understand and accept that. There might be specific situations when it is worth stepping in, but largely particularly by Y5 and 6 I think it can be talked through.
An analogous situation I can think of is some football team parents used to give their kid £5 if they scored a goal. I always used to wonder why. Scoring is its own the reward.

DC like to be recognised by their peers or why do schools have star of the week? Why have sports day where hundreds of parents applaud the winners? Why have a drama event where the star child is applauded? Who recognises the academic child at primary school? No one. Yes, they probably know but it’s not the same as wider recognition and these dc ads usually under the radar. The naughty child who gets through a week without disrupting anyone gets more external praise! Hardly equitable.

Totally me at school. Quiet diligent girl, but the ‘naughty’ boys were always being rewarded when they sat quietly for 3 seconds 😤 When I went on to work as a primary teacher (not anymore), I made sure every single child had this type of award at least once a year. I kept a log in my register because that kind of unfairness was not going to happen on my watch!

DD is 17 and still talks about how unfair her primary was. It wasn’t just star pupil, it was also students being picked to represent the school. They’d always pick the naughtiest kids who would always misbehave (one was sent to an inter school musical festival and he broke several instruments because he was bored, DD was desperate to go).
There was a teacher who used to complain about her lack of confidence, and then totally ignore her until she had a naughty boy she needed to place somewhere.
Id like to know if this actually does make any difference to children’s behaviour, in comparison with the negative effects on other children.

Fantastic GCSE results @morethanafeeling

I got straight As in my four A levels and had to share my school’s prize for best academic achievement that year with a boy who got 3As and a B. LOL.

Ah congrats. Clearly I’m still not over it 🤣