DD (8) not invited to a party, do I intervene?

[Mt15]

The last few weeks my DD has come home from school upset regarding another girls party in her class that she was not invited. She explained every other girl in the class had been invited but I thought this may have been an exaggeration. After this weekend I’ve seen pictures online of this party and she was indeed the only girl from her class not there.

I feel so gutted for her but at the same time shocked that another mum could allow to single one child out? And now I’m left thinking do I need to say something, I’m not sure how’s best to deal with this situation.

for some background information they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities. However recently the other girls mum approached me and asked whether a play date would help them get along. Not long after that the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up as she couldn’t make pick up. So now I’m left feeling quite emotional and just generally gutted for my DD.

I have explained to my DD that unfortunately we don’t get along with everyone in life and may not always like everyone but it’s always important to be kind.

Some of us need "permission" to act in a socially self-interested way as we're societally conditioned to help others. The OP has that permission now.

If you need to permission to not people-please, you should be in therapy, working on rooting out gendered scripts, rather than needing the example of another parent acting in the interests of her own child legitimating you feeling able to refuse requests.

Proper behaviour is allowing your daughters (or sons!) to have boundaries around who they choose to spend their time with and to hold those boundaries.

Being encouraged or forced to be a people pleaser is dangerous.

There is good reason. She doesn't like her. And that's absolutely a good reason.

No I wouldn’t say anything but it is rubbish to leave one child out. I would distance yourself from the other mum though, just say you can’t next time she asks a favour

I wouldn’t specifically say anything, but next time she asks about a play date or favour I’d say “no, she’s still really upset about being the only girl not invited to the party, I think it’s best that we leave it”.

(how many exactly would make it fair in your opinion?)

The "unwritten rule" for parents in DC's year groups was half: if you invite more than half the class, you invite the whole class. After that point you're changing the focus from including specific children to excluding specific children. To be fair, another "unwritten rule" for parents was to find an excuse to decline an invitation if you know that your DC and the birthday child didn't get along.

But reasons not so bad that she wouldn’t ask the OP to look after the child hmmm?

But not so bad seeing the other mother felt it was appropriate to ask the OP to look after her child. Why ask OP and not one of any of the parents of the dc she does like? 😶

I think it’s cruel and bullying. Would def say to the mum “I thought we were trying to help them get along, but xxx was the only girl not invited / we’d never do that to you, what’s the thinking behind it?”

It is a bit odd, but it may have been part of party mum's efforts to get the girls to get on better. (it isn't clear if OP either did the play date or picked the girl up - but I don't think OP is coming back!)

Interestingly this is also a recent comedy drama on radio 4 about an 8 year old girl who was the only one in the class not invited to a birthday party, and the subsequent action talen by the 'scorned' mum.

Worth a listen.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001zg56

Oh I heard that. Didn’t it all go pear shaped.

The birthday girl doesn't get on with your DD. Of course she doesn't have to invite her.

Don’t intervene. When you child says something about it reply, that’s nice , and the move the conversation on

It's the child's choice who they invite, not the parents.
It's not acceptable whatsoever to 'say something'. Your kid isn't even her friend. They don't get on. She needs to learn that not everyone gets invited to everything.

Surely she can choose who she wants when it comes to her party. You wouldn't appreciate a classmate's mother demanding an invite from you when the kids weren't close?

The issue isn’t that your daughter wasn’t invited. It’s because she was the ONLY one not invited. Which is shitty and cruel.

either the birthdays mum genuinely didn’t realise this (unlikely) or did it deliberately knowing full well you would find out.

I really don’t think confronting her will do you any favours at all. Just let it go and distance yourself. At least there’s two weeks school holidays now so your daughter doesn’t have to listen to other kids going on about it

either the birthdays mum genuinely didn’t realise this (unlikely)

why unlikely? At no point in the school career of my two kids have I known the name of every child (or even every boy) in their class.

or did it deliberately knowing full well you would find out

Eh??? This is a woman who has suggested a reconciliatory play date, not indicative thaf she is redolent of spite against the OP!

There aren’t only two options here. Another option is:
“can I have the list for your party.. oh, what about Suzy?”
“I don’t want Suzy to be there, Mummy, cos we always argue and I will have a rubbish time if that happens”
“ok, fair enough, it’s your birthday”

Don't say anything; and never ever do them any more favours either
It strikes me that you may be seen as a 'convenient fairweather acquaintance' so your daughter and yourself will never truly be accepted let alone liked by this mother/daughter combo
It's hard on your girl, but hopefully there will be others in the class she can rub along with
When my two girls were little I never knew who was talking/not talking to eachother at any given time
Was once asked why I had just spoken to soandso's mum because of something that had happened less than 10 minutes ago in the classroom!
I couldn't win; you might but in the meantime you've spoken to your daughter and although her hearts breaking may she soon make some new nicer friends and learn useful people skills

My DD (9) has a similarly tumultuous relationship with a friend at school. Very on and off, and quite awful when it’s off.

I took the decision last year not to invite her to DD’s party that year because I didn’t want DD’s party to be ruined by a massive row.

DD wasn’t invited to this girl‘s party either so the other mum obviously drew the same conclusion.

I don't agree.. to invite all the others is mean.. I would ask why ahe was the only one who wasn't invited... and I'd say how you're daughter feels by this.

The party was in April last year so so it’s a bit pointless now