DD (8) not invited to a party, do I intervene?

[Mt15]

The last few weeks my DD has come home from school upset regarding another girls party in her class that she was not invited. She explained every other girl in the class had been invited but I thought this may have been an exaggeration. After this weekend I’ve seen pictures online of this party and she was indeed the only girl from her class not there.

I feel so gutted for her but at the same time shocked that another mum could allow to single one child out? And now I’m left thinking do I need to say something, I’m not sure how’s best to deal with this situation.

for some background information they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities. However recently the other girls mum approached me and asked whether a play date would help them get along. Not long after that the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up as she couldn’t make pick up. So now I’m left feeling quite emotional and just generally gutted for my DD.

I have explained to my DD that unfortunately we don’t get along with everyone in life and may not always like everyone but it’s always important to be kind.

Did the playdate/pick up go ahead? How did they get on?

Have any incidents happened between them in the run up to the party?

Also, what numbers are we talking about here? 15 /10 girls is very different to 5/6 .

That's your opinion, mine is different and that's ok.

Seems mean on the face of it. Had your dd had parties and this girl been invited @Mt15 ? What came of the play date request? Did it go ahead?

Adults don’t include people they don’t get along with in social occasions. Why should kids?

I am genuinely astonished that grown adults would humiliate themselves be behaving like this, let alone advocate it to others.

MN has really opened my eyes to how many shockingly immature adults there are, who seem to think they are ‘bossing it’ with such child-like antics.

Hold your boundaries with dignity, people!

Are you absolutely sure that the invite didn’t get lost? Ir seems odd to me that there wasn’t an invite for your daughter yet the mum was keen to arrange a play date and asked you to pick her daughter up.
I don’t disagree that people can choose who they want as party guests, but leaving one girl out without really good reason ( and there doesn’t seem to be one here other than the usual type of squabbles) seems unnecessarily cruel.
In view of the mum’s previous contacts with you I’m really surprised that she thought it ok to omit your daughter from the list.
I must be more brazen than a lot of you but I’d be finding away of bringing it up next time I had a conversation with her and let her know how upsetting it was.

Well, it does also explain why a disproportionate number of posters struggle with friendships, and have very little understanding of what normal social give and take looks like.

You seem to know the mum quite well if she asked you to a play date and to pick her dd up recently.

I think I would speak to her with “I guess your dd is not very happy to be around my dd? I understand she chose not to have her at her birthday but dd was quite upset so it really makes any future play dates or shared pick ups impossible. But I would hope we could stop it from affecting any whole class activities”

And then the key thing is to LISTEN to the response because it might not be what you want to hear. Your dd could have been picking on this girl.

People saying the mother is being unfair to your child.

Her only responsibility is to her own child. She doesn't owe ops child anything.

I think I would speak to her with “I guess your dd is not very happy to be around my dd? I understand she chose not to have her at her birthday but dd was quite upset so it really makes any future play dates or shared pick ups impossible. But I would hope we could stop it from affecting any whole class activities”
Agree with above, other than seeing the birthday party as a 'whole class activity'!

I wouldn't say anything unless she approaches you for a favour like childcare, school pick up, lift to/from an activity or a play date.
Then you can say something like “no thats not possible I dont think the girls get on well enough. It was made clear when (your dd) wasnt invited to (her dd)’s party. Perhaps you can ask the mum of one if the other girls”

I know it’s upsetting for DD, but we can force friendships and I suspect you also wouldn’t want to force DD to invite someone who she really didn’t want at her party either? If my DD said she didn’t get along with someone, why would I want to put her in a position where she might not feel comfortable at her own party?

gutting for DD I know, but it is for the best and you’re right in saying we just can’t be friends with everyone. She has friends of her own and that’s the main thing.

It’s also not very kind to force your child to have another child at their birthday party who is mean to them and they don’t get on with.

There has been a resent falling out which the other parent tried to resolve by suggestion a play date which either didn’t happen or didnt work, why would you ruin your child’s birthday just to be kind to someone else’s child who it sounds like isn’t very kind to yours?

Well I think it's downright nasty to do this to a child. Adults should know better. To leave 1 girl out of the class. That's just cruel.

To be fair to the other mum it sounds like she may have tried to improve things with the playdate before deciding not to invite your DD. Hopefully she had the sense not to use you for emergency pick ups though.

Maybe so but leaving out only one girl in an entire class so it's really obvious? It's really not very nice.

I'm not sure how I feel about the just leaving one out. It sounds like the animosity is mutual here so I'd feel less need to beat around the bush and invite less people so as not to make it obvious when it is obvious.

Technically they ARE showing care to them both. By not exposing them to an unnecessary situation where they have to be together where they can hurt each other. Keep them apart until they are mature enough to rub alongside each other without having to agree on everything.

Is this the 1st time something like this happened? Does your daughter have friends in her class? I have seen how some classes of girls can be in primary school can be horrible.

I saw the same thing happen with a child I know well when she was in primary school. I will call this child Jane. Jane ended up in a primary school class of horrible girls that were friends one day and falling out the next day. The parties came and of course they put the pictures up on social media. Jane parents encouraged her to get involved in sports and she met girls outside her class group. She took up a sport and ended up being good at it. She met a lot of people doing this and it improved her confidence a lot.

When she was going into the local big secondary school her parents met the principal and asked that she was not put into the same class as her primary class crowd. They told the principal what the girls were like. Jane went into a new class group and made new friends. Jane is now in university and doing well.

I think that your daughter needs to accept that she won't be invited to every party but she won't invite this child to her party either. When this child's mother asks you for a favour I would just say no because you know that her child and yours don't get and you saw the birthday party photo on social media.

Agree

1. the mum may or may not be aware that all the girls in the class bar the OP’s DD were invited
2. had another girl not been invited in order to make it not a “whole class” thing, what would you say to the DM posting that she doesn’t know why her DD was excluded as everyone else in the class got to go apart from one other girl whom the birthday girl always fell out with, why had her DD been singled out?
3. at 8, children should have a big say as to who is invited

Don't intervene

Was just about to say this. And 8 is v young. And then to post pics on social.

Well quite, to point 2.

Everyone going on about fairness, what if the birthday mum had left out other children simply so the ops dd didn't feel she was the only one left out? Excluding children that the birthday girl does like and get on with, just to make it "fair" to a child that she doesn't like and doesn't get on with? The ops child still won't be going to the party, only now another child/children don't get to go either, despite being friends with the birthday girl. To make it "fair".

Your child won't always be invited to everything. The other mum doesn't have to be fair to your child. It's not like you don't know why this has happened.

OP is well aware that she isn't entitled to an invite, but anyone who thinks it's acceptable to leave a single child out without good reason is just mean.

She has a good reason. Her dd doesn't like her.