DD (8) not invited to a party, do I intervene?

[Mt15]

The last few weeks my DD has come home from school upset regarding another girls party in her class that she was not invited. She explained every other girl in the class had been invited but I thought this may have been an exaggeration. After this weekend I’ve seen pictures online of this party and she was indeed the only girl from her class not there.

I feel so gutted for her but at the same time shocked that another mum could allow to single one child out? And now I’m left thinking do I need to say something, I’m not sure how’s best to deal with this situation.

for some background information they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities. However recently the other girls mum approached me and asked whether a play date would help them get along. Not long after that the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up as she couldn’t make pick up. So now I’m left feeling quite emotional and just generally gutted for my DD.

I have explained to my DD that unfortunately we don’t get along with everyone in life and may not always like everyone but it’s always important to be kind.

I'd suggest (gently) teaching your dd that if they don't get along with others, they won't be invited to parties. And no more favours.

they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities.
Why would you invite a child who would very likely spoil your own child's birthday party? No normal person would do that. You need to manage your child's (and yours) expectations better. Either don't fall out with people or accept they won't want you near them.

If they don't get on and often fall out then I wouldn't expect a party invitation. I thought what you said about not everyone getting on but you should try to be kind was good. Sounds like you handled it well.

I wouldn't be doing any more favours for this girl's mum though, fine the girls don't get on but it's cheeky to still expect you to look after her.

Their fall outs must be quite severe that this girl gets on with EVERY girl in the class so I’d say crudely about 10 girls expect your daughter?

Have you got details of the failings out? I suspect bullying from one of the girls which one I don’t know but I really get a sense there is more to this than what meets the eye.

I think the explanation you gave your daughter is perfect and don’t encourage them to be friends, I think it will only end in more tears

Sounds like the other mum had reasons for not inviting your DD and I wouldn’t get involved at all.

It happened to my dd 2 years running. One of the few kids in the class not invited to a girl's party. I honestly think that the mum was trying to punish me for something as, as far as I was aware, the girl's had no problems. But I would gently ask the mum if there's been an issue with the girls as you'd like to know

My kids are teens now, but when they were primary age there was definitely an unwritten rule that it was not ok to invite all the girls / boys and leave out just one. Whatever the reason.

I can't believe people are defending this mother for singling out one child and not inviting her. Unless there is an actual problem, like bullying, not just girls falling out then I think the mother was very nasty to facilitate this. It's mean girl behaviour.

OP is well aware that she isn't entitled to an invite, but anyone who thinks it's acceptable to leave a single child out without good reason is just mean.

It's unkind to leave one out. I wouldn't be doing any more favours for that person. Some parents are awful people.

There is a lot of talk about ‘kindness’ but some key factors are being missed.

-is it kind to allow a child to have her birthday ruined?
-is it kind to subject another child to a party experience where she will likely come home upset?
the two girls both need to learn to be a bit kinder to each other and agree to disagree rather than ‘clash’

the ‘kindest’ thing is to keep these two children apart. They can’t be in the same room without falling out

I agree, although it’s not kind either to ask favours of someone then leave only their child out if an invite. Really unpleasant and takey.

Leaving just one child out is disgusting behaviour from the mother. You won’t be able to reason with someone like this so avoid her like the plague and certainly no more favours.

As an ex teacher I’m aware what ‘strong personality’ means from a parent. It’s going to be a long few years for you.

My son recently invited his whole friendship group but one to his party. The one he left out bullies him continually ( groans every time he sees him, gives every one but him treats he brings in, openly tells him he doesn’t like him) Of course he wanted respite from that child at his own party. It’s hard enough for him to have that kid in his friendship group at all.
At the party I heard some of the friends express surprise that one kid was not invited whilst others stood up for my son by saying that kid and mine did not get along.
My son put a lot of thought in whether or not to invite that kid but in the end decided it was his party and he did not want it ruined by feeling pressured to invite someone he did not, for good reason, like. I was proud of him for having the self-esteem to stand up for himself like this and to draw a boundary at unacceptable behaviour towards him.

It sounds like you ‘strong personality’ daughter simply does not get along with this child. So of course the other did not want her there. It’s not a bad lesson to learn that if you don’t get along with people, they will choose not to hang out with you.

You’d be better helping her to learn that lesson than to the boundary erasing ‘be kind’ message.

If the girls argue then that is why she wasn’t included. It would be different if she was quiet and had been overlooked. Why would you want her to go if they are always falling out?

Or OPs kid is a bully and that’s why they didn’t get an invite.

But then don't invite everyone but one. Have some tact and care for the other dc.

The other girl's mum thought, rightly or wrongly, that the party would go more smoothly without your daughter there. She can't really be blamed for wanting to avoid fallings-out at the party, and she could hardly disinvite her own daughter could she?

However recently the other girls mum approached me and asked whether a play date would help them get along. Not long after that the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up as she couldn’t make pick up.

And? What was your response and did the play date happen?

At 8 years old, if my DD didn’t want a child to come to her birthday because of a history of falling out ie not a one off, then I’d bloody well listen to her.

The mother sounds like she made an attempt to build bridges between the two with a play date. Interestingly you didn’t mention your response to that suggestion

I'm not quite sure how you can state that as a fact?

The poster wasn’t stating it as “a fact”

just throwing in another possibility “or”

No. Absolutely not. If they aren't particularly good friends, why would she want to invite her?

You can't force people to invite people to parties.

Yes it does look like the Mother was aware this awkward party situation was coming up and was trying to find a way to repair the situation before the party.

No repair happened so your daughter was not invited.

I didn’t, I provided an alternative suggestion after the other poster stated as fact that the mother was just having disgusting behaviour. None of us no why this woman didn’t invite OPs kid but OP has made it clear the girls don’t get on well, so bullying is clearly an option here and is more likely that the other parent just being a horrible person.