DD (8) not invited to a party, do I intervene?

[Mt15]

The last few weeks my DD has come home from school upset regarding another girls party in her class that she was not invited. She explained every other girl in the class had been invited but I thought this may have been an exaggeration. After this weekend I’ve seen pictures online of this party and she was indeed the only girl from her class not there.

I feel so gutted for her but at the same time shocked that another mum could allow to single one child out? And now I’m left thinking do I need to say something, I’m not sure how’s best to deal with this situation.

for some background information they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities. However recently the other girls mum approached me and asked whether a play date would help them get along. Not long after that the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up as she couldn’t make pick up. So now I’m left feeling quite emotional and just generally gutted for my DD.

I have explained to my DD that unfortunately we don’t get along with everyone in life and may not always like everyone but it’s always important to be kind.

I'll turn it on its head and say anyone who thinks an eight year old should invite a child she doesn't like to her own birthday party.Well they're the bullies.

It's her birthday, not the o p's daughters.

Thanks.

And at 8, the DD would want a reason, and might share that reason - “sorry, Katy, my mum said if I wasn’t inviting Suzy then I had to not-invite another girl and I really didn’t want Suzy to come because we always argue, so you can’t come now, I do still like you though…”

A mum did this, it’s so wrong. Invited all the boys except mine due to limited numbers. Either you invite all or leave out a good few. I haven’t spoken to her since 😂

Had your son fallen out repeatedly with the party giver, as OP’s kid has?

Not the same situation, if not.

It’s mean but they don't get along and I don’t think her DD should have to invite yours.

I wouldn’t say anything but wouldn’t be doing any favours for her in the future.

No but still wrong to leave only one out. It’s not like her daughter is a bully, they just both have strong personalities and the mum even recently asked her to pick her up so the parents get on. Either she should have invited her or not invited all the rest of the girls.

You don't know if she's a bully or not.

I'm sure my child's bully's parents wouldn't think he was a bully either.

Bullying is about how it makes the other child feel.

That's so harsh, but children can be quite fickle at this age. If your DD was recently in a spat with her the girl might be quite insistent that she didn't come.

Or it may be that big groups exacerbate the likelihood of them arguing; maybe they're better 1:1.

I would put my foot down and say it wasn't fair to leave her out, but loads of people wouldn't and while it isn't my choice, I can respect that too.

See my earlier post as to the impact that might have had on the girls who were actually friends with the birthday girl and who were excluded to be “fair”

There is also the clear possibility (given history) that if the mum insisted that the DD was invited, she and the birthday girl would fall out, or the birthday girl would pick her last for a team, or whatever. There might be more upsetting outcomes than not going.

The OP saw pictures on social media. These may have been posted by the birthday parents, or may have been posted by another parent.

In any event, since the 8 year old is not on social media, it doesn’t impact her what is there - it simply verifies for the OP what her DD was saying anyway.

And what exactly would that foot do? You can pick it right back up.

This fairness thing is bullshit too as there’s no way to actually make it fair on everyone.

Either birthday girl has to suck it up and have someone she doesn’t get on at her party (which at best would just upset her and at worst would cause even more conflicts/an escalation) or more girls (how many exactly would make it fair in your opinion?) would be uninvited despite doing nothing wrong and wanted there. Who exactly is that fair to? Never mind the fact that “all the girls” could mean something like 5/6 girls rather than half the class.

Don’t say anything now. Keep it up your sleeve for now. I’d be temped to invite her
daughter to a party though to take the moral
high ground and also to show your daughter what is proper behaviour.

On point 1, for my 7yo party dm asked me to make a list of who I wanted to invite.
I didn't really have a close group of friends so I went through the different groups I was in at school, and invited the girls <boys yuck!> who were in those groups.
So that was the maths group, the reading group, the PE group, art group (we were grouped for everything).

I gave dm the list and she said it was quite a lot, and was I sure these were the people I wanted. Yes, they were.
She then asked if it was all the girls in the class, and I said confidently no it wasn't. She asked who wasn't on the list and I told her there were lots, but when it came to naming, we realised it was only Denise. Actually dm realised. I was adamant that there were several until I really looked hard at it. In my defence, we'd had a lot leave and join that year.
So Denise was invited too.

But if dm hadn't thought to ask, or had taken my initial response of lots weren't on the list, and she had no reason to disbelieve me, and as far as I was concerned I was telling the truth, then she would have been the only one missed out.

So it's certainly possible that both Mum and dd didn't realise that she was the only one.

But also if they are regularly having fallings out, and by the sound of it that's the case, actually as the Mum I wouldn't want to deal with it. It's really hard to deal with a situation when one is your child, and especially at their birthday. I think seeing as you are both aware of it, especially as you say your dd has a "strong personality" it was very sensible to not have her there.

I used to say to my dc divide invitations into three:

1. Expect to be invite (best friend only, and maybe another)
2. Hope to be invited
3. Wouldn't expect to be invited

And if you get any invites after #1 that's a bonus. In your dc's case I'd have put this one as a #3.

Why is it proper behaviour to invite someone you don’t get on with to your party?

In any event, whole class type parties are probably finishing quite soon in favour of a couple of close friends for pizza and a sleepover

You'd put your foot down would you?

What would that look like in practice? Completely embarrassing yourself at the school gate laying down the law to a mum about her daughter's party?

Good luck with that. Your daughter would never be invited to another party.

No, you completely misunderstood me.

I would tell my DD that we couldn't leave only one girl out and say that we'd have to invite her, or change the dynamic of the party so she wouldn't be so hurt/ singled out.

I'd never challenge anyone making that kind of decision... I'd know it would end badly given they'd made the decision in the first place.

I'd be grateful to her, since you no longer have to do any favours for her and your DD can choose not to have this girl at her own parties in future without it being an issue.

Don't talk to the mum.

Don't do any more favours or have any play dates.

Throw the mother of all parties for your DD's next birthday and don't invite the girl.

When your DD has a birthday party let her choose who to invite. When I was little my Mum made me invite a girl who bullied me just because I wasn't allowed to leave her out. I dreaded my own parties. Kids should choose who to invite and not be made to invite people they don't like. This party is in the past now so no good will come of making a fuss about your DD not being invited. You do not have to do favours for her Mum though.

It’s mean to leave one person out but no you shouldn’t say anything. Tell your dd this girl is not her friend and there will be other parties and better friends for her.

I wouldn’t intervene. The two girls don’t get along, I think it’s fine for a child not to want someone they don’t get along with at their party. A birthday party should be for the child whose birthday it is, not a social event designed around pleasing other peoples children.
Id explain to your child that they won’t get along with everyone they meet and they shouldn’t expect invitations from people they don’t get on with. Work on strengthening the friendships she does already have.

A birthday party should be for the child whose birthday it is, not a social event designed around pleasing other peoples children.

Exactly this, I think everybody's lost sight of this. I'm appalled by some of the responses on here supporting playing games. Getting back at the mum and childish antics punish her for not inviting a child.Her daughter doesn't like to her birthday party.

All of you who said such things seem to behave worse than the children.

Just let it go. She doesn't like your daughter and she doesn't want to have her at her party. Whether or not you invite this child to her party is another matter.But don't go doing the same thing just to get back at her.

When did all this start?It's the same with weddings. Wedding invitation threads are another one so often. You see them with guests absolutely furious that their needs can't be accommodated.Child free weddings are the best one. They act as if the couple getting married.Should permit their children even though they don't want them there. Whatever happened to just declining in a wedding invitation that doesn't work for you. Instead it turns into a rant about the couple getting married.When it's their wedding.

I feel there could be context missing here. As others have addressed, you haven't clarified your response when the other mother tried to build bridges between the girl, which suggests there could be more reason behind a lack of invite than an occasional 'falling out'.

Is it sad that she is the only girl not invited? Yes, of course. But, if I thought a child would ruin my own child's birthday party by causing a fall out, or an ongoing riff, I wouldn't invite them either. I'd also leave it up to my child to choose who to invite along, providing guidance only if I felt I really had to intervene. I'm still at the stage of inviting whole classes, but if there was a child who was intentionally making my child uncomfortable on a regular basis, you can guarantee I'd not be paying for them to come along and risk upsetting them at their birthday party.

To leave out one girl in the whole class is still very strange, if it really is an occasional fallout between the two. Are you going to fill us in on the real reason as to why she hasn't been invited? I do feel you've conveniently left a part of the story out here.

Both of those things were always true though.