DD (8) not invited to a party, do I intervene?

[Mt15]

The last few weeks my DD has come home from school upset regarding another girls party in her class that she was not invited. She explained every other girl in the class had been invited but I thought this may have been an exaggeration. After this weekend I’ve seen pictures online of this party and she was indeed the only girl from her class not there.

I feel so gutted for her but at the same time shocked that another mum could allow to single one child out? And now I’m left thinking do I need to say something, I’m not sure how’s best to deal with this situation.

for some background information they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities. However recently the other girls mum approached me and asked whether a play date would help them get along. Not long after that the mother asked if I would pick her daughter up as she couldn’t make pick up. So now I’m left feeling quite emotional and just generally gutted for my DD.

I have explained to my DD that unfortunately we don’t get along with everyone in life and may not always like everyone but it’s always important to be kind.

they aren’t the best of friends, and quite often have fall outs as they both have very strong personalities.

Is that a good enough reason. A girl she doesn't like and frequently falls out with. No wonder she didn't want her at her party. Children can't have what they want all the time

But if she gets on with everyone else, why should she not invite some of her other friends to protect someone she doesn't get on with feelings? She wants all of her friends with on her birthday - that just doesn't include ops child.

No, of course you shouldn't approach the other child's parents. Not everyone gets to go to every party, especially when they're not friends with and frequently fall out with the birthday child!

The party and the playdate invitation are two different things. Parties are expensive and I wouldn't be inviting anyone who was highly likely to upset the birthday child.

The playdate was specifically requested to help the girls try to get along. This was to make school more bearable for both; not to necessarily make them friends.

I do think this is different to the situations where a kid is ostracised or overlooked by the whole class. It’s more that your dd and this girl are acknowledged to clash so it’s fair enough not to want her at the girl’s birthday party. I don’t invite people I don’t get on with to my parties and they wouldn’t be surprised by that. Nor would I want or expect to go to theirs.

Sometimes. Kids do get excluded by accident in which case I would make a cautious enquiry to the mum. In this case, given they have previously clashed, it sounds deliberate and there is nothing you an say without conibg across as being the psychomother from hell.

I have explained to my DD that unfortunately we don’t get along with everyone in life and may not always like everyone but it’s always important to be kind.

So by "be kind" do you mean that your daughter should have been invited & should invite those she doesn't want there t her parties?

Personally I would ignore the witch! No more favours and if she does ask for one simply say something like ‘ no sorry’ but if you do want to say something just say something like ‘since DD missed out on the party I think it’s best you ask someone else for a favour’ or ’im confused why your asking as my DD wasn’t invited your DD party with all the other girls on the class, perhaps there is another mum who would be willing to help’

How would you feel if forced to invite someone you have a history of fallings out with to your birthday? Honestly, OP, thinking you should ‘intervene’ is quite mad. You know perfectly well why your DD wasn’t invited.

This is really shitty and I'd be hurt and hurting for my child too.

I don't think you'd gain anything from speaking to the mother. Unless she brings up the party, but otherwise just don't go there. Try to write the mother and daughter off in your mind now - they're no friends of yours. Just be polite but distant, encourage your daughter to focus on other friendships or try to build up some hobbies to meet other children.

Don't ask about missing invitation. On the day of the party, go out for the day. If the girl or her mother asks why your DD didn't come, you can then say you didn't receive an invitation. If nothing is said, then just carry on as normal but politely decline further requests for help etc.

Honestly OP I would leave it, theres nothing the other mum can say that will make this any better for your daughter. I would also perhaps think about having an honest chat with your DD about how if you don’t get along with someone it’s ok for you to not spend time with them. There are a few kids that I really don’t want a party invite from because DD doesn’t get on with them. Excluding one child seems mean but if they are in regular conflict then it does seem like it would be an easier party without your Dd (I’m not ascribing blame). It does sound like the other mum was trying with the playdate idea but tbh I wouldn’t be doing any more favours.

That is very unfair, I don't think you'd get anywhere with it though if the parents think it's acceptable.

I wouldn’t say anything, but I do agree that if it is a whole class party then one child should not be excluded. It sounds like they have a bit of a history of falling out and I would pursuit the play date to try and create a bit of harmony between them.

It is not clear if the mum was genuinely wanting a play date to foster a better relationship between them or if she really just wants someone who can help with pickups.

When DS turned 5 we had a party at home. He wanted to invite all the boys in his class apart from one, who he said was mean to him. So that’s what we did. I felt a bit awkward about it, but at the end of the day, it was DS’s birthday. It would have been wrong to force him to include a child who he didn’t get on with. They became friends when they were older, but at the time, they didn’t get on.

Been there. It’s hideous. Happened a few times to my DD but I never said anything to other parents. I still carry a bit of seething resentment years later despite being exceptionally good friends now with a couple of the mums.

Given the mum was in touch, sounds like birthday girl said I want everyone except x and the mum thought she was being a bit silly. I wouldn't worry about this one as there are known issues. If your dd starts missing out on other parties of girls she gets along with it might be she is a bit obnoxious and needs to learn some better social skills or there might be more going on with the birthday girl as ring leader. On the other hand they might become bffs later on as they might be quite similar

The party has happened - OP talks about it and seeing photos from it.

I'd let the invite go but I'd probably want a word with the teacher to ensure that my child is not struggling with friendships groups, to ensure she is not viewed as a bully or maybe even being bullied. Understanding that friendships rely on a cooperative approach at this age can be difficult for some children.

Ah op this is awful and this has been the same for my youngest from aged 5-10 especially after Covid. My dd is unique, loving and possibly teetering adhd and not into princesses or horses and the like, like the majority of her class. I have over the years had many whole class parties with no reciprocity!
3 invites in total in5 years. It has broken my heart but I have never said anything as it says a lot about them not you.
how we have got through this..
-lots of love and attention
-trying to see other people out of the school friendship group eg other family or close friends of family
-creating fun at home and talking everyday about school even heartbreak when, yet again, she’s not invited to parties or sleepovers- ever
-doing our own swap beds sleep overs, camp outs or sleepovers down stairs nights
-never paying to host whole class parties again- I feel an idiot for doing this!!
-looking forward to the next stage of her senior education where we hope to meet more of her own tribe (as her eldest sister did)

sorry I’ve gone off track but it is hard and I hope you are all ok x

If the OPs DD has done something unpleasant, then asking the mother if that is the case is a reasonable thing to do. Not because of one party, it could be for other reasons. I am sure the mother would be quick to say if that was the case.

I work in a class of 7 year olds. I can tell you 1 child who will be left off invites or have a list of expectations if they are invited. The mums are not being “unkind” I don’t blame them. Some children struggle with friendships and have zero boundaries in life.

There are other children around school who won’t be invited to parties. Not SEN. Usually entitled, spoilt children.

Don’t say anything. What will it achieve?
She wasn’t invited, end of. They can choose who they invite. If the girls often fall out, I’m not surprised she wasn’t invited, at a birthday party that lots of effort has gone into, I wouldn’t want to risk an argument if it could be avoided. The mum already knows your daughter wasn’t invited, as it was her decision, so saying something will achieve nothing.

When Ds was 6 I got called into the school because a mum had said her child was the only child in the class not invited to DS birthday. The school got involved! I was so angry this mum had believed that her son was the only child not invited, then gone to the school. I explained to the school, showed them the booking, it was at a trampoline park for 12 children (DS class had 30 children) and when you take away ds, siblings, cousins etc. 4 from the class were invited. I was really annoyed, explained that even if I had invited the entire lass except 1 child, that's nothing to do with the school (not that I would), the school were embarrassed and apologetic. I complained to the governors.

They're at an age where large parties dwindle and only a few get invited. Just explain not everyone can go.

It is acceptable. No one should have to invite a child with whom they have a history of fallings out to a party. No one would expect an adult to invite someone they don’t get on with from work to their party. As pps have said, it sounds as if the other mother tried to mend bridges by suggesting a play date. I’m assuming it didn’t happen or didn’t help.

I would normally say leave it but as you are being asked for favours and play dates…

The next time you are asked for a favour you say no it wouldn’t be appropriate as DD is still upset at being the only girl left out of the party.