School is making it worse

[Sadmummlaugh]

I hope someone can help me. My son 8 started a new school a few months ago. He can be tough to deal with but we assume it's no different to other 8 yo. Unfortunately the school before He started already labled him as a problem child. My son is not violent, agressive and mostly very polite. He gets along well with everyone and has loads of friends. He just needs help with following instructions on the spot. He is trying so so hard to do well but he just emotionally he cant. They allocated an a support person who follows him around everywhere. They r with him all day everyday. It's never the same person. The school gives us some BS about they r there to keep him safe and to be his advocate. I've seen with my own eyes that they r watching him like a hawk. They hover over him, they r telling him what to do all the time do this don't do that... they never give him an opportunity. From what I've seen and heard they just want to control his behaviour. It's literally like jail for the poor kid. Things looked like it was improving and now his behaviour at school has spiked so much and I don't know what to do. At home he's different too. He's can't stop moving about, he's increased self soothing like chewing nails, rocking, spinning and getting frustrated really easily to the point where he is bending backwards and pushing the ground. I've never ever seen him do that before. I believe the excessive limitations is causing a change in him and not in a good way. I have spoken to the school every week and they just keep escalating their discipline which then makes his behaviour worse. Even the after school carers r noticing a difference .
I would love some advice on what I can do to help mu son at school. I obviously can't be there but besides trying to talk some sense to the school I'm stumped. Please any advice.
Thx, Worried mum

Have you started the EHCP route as that is the only way of getting extra funding? Have you spoken to the SENDCo. I’m confused where all these different staff members are coming from as schools don’t have spare TAs hanging around

If the child has a history or running and hiding then the school will be prioritising making sure they know where he is.

Schools these days are often enclosed so children can no longer get out of the school grounds into traffic or on their own, but the teacher and the head will be very worried that he might find a way out they have not secured, in which case his physical safety is at risk and they would get slated by parents and possibly in the media.

In addition, with a child who shows these behaviours, if he gets more anxious the next step can be violence. Not all children do move on to violence - some continue to run - but they will be very worried each time that this will be the transition to violence.

A child showing these behaviours schools will therefore often ask TAs to volunteer or the head will cover a class to release a teacher and they will prioritise having an adult with this child simply on physical safeguarding.

It is very expensive and usually in this situation a school will be prioritising applying for an EHCP for funding and will also apply for emergency transitional funding to cover the cost of the 1:1 (if that still exists, I'm a couple of years out if teaching now)

He's like a little kettle, waiting to go off. And they are like the fire underneath trying to get a reaction so that they can step in quickly and look like the hero's.

Your child sounds like they're in an abusive relationship. And all the changes in his behaviour at home sound like him trying to regulate his nervous system after 6 hours a day of the abuse.

How does he get chance to play?
What about making new friends?
Does his paid stalker get to ruin this too?

In your shoes I would pull him out of school.
But failing that I would send him to 'free play' style after school groups.
Where he's in charge of himself - Lego making, some uniformed organisations etc.

People make mistakes, even little people. Having these mistakes consistently targeted just causes so much problems.

I don’t mean to sound harsh however you seem to be in defensive mode, I understand he is your son and care about him but you being defensive and thinking he is like any other 8 year old is going to do more harm than good.

The school have provided 1-1 support for a reason, you need to speak with the SENCo team at the school and ask what SEN needs he has, you need to work with them not against them to ensure your son has the right support to get him through school, have school referred him for any assessments, do not decline the consent for this.

Ehcp - push for a bond with 1/2 constant adults for a 1:1 that's what my son has. Also we had a specialist teacher come in and view him for a couple of months and work with him, she was the biggest help!

You cannot be serious? Of what benefit to the school is it to have a pupil being disruptive & upset? Not to mention the other children being disrupted and the extra funding needed to manage him. You are making light of people being in genuine abusive relationships which is disgusting. The school are trying to safeguard an 8 year old who is clearly showing signs he is not coping with the school environment for whatever reason. Using language such as 'paid stalker' is insane. Nobody wants to have to follow a combative 8 year old around if it's not necessary.

OP has pushed for this 1-1 support, so it’s not a stalker situation.

I do agree that he is trying hard to regulate his behaviour all day but that’s not because he’s being abused, it’s because he struggles to follow the rules and he’s trying his best.

I don’t think pulling him out of school, when they’re doing what OP has asked is going to help him.

She just needs to work with the school
about making some changes.

He had no 1-1 and OP pushed for this.
Now it seems he does have a 1-1 but it’s potentially too much.

So instead of pulling him out of school where he’ll have no friends or education, the next step would be to find a solution where the 1-1 gives him time to play on his own or with friends and support him from more of a distance.

It will take time to get the balance right but you just have to try something for a few weeks and if it doesn’t help, try something else.

It doesn’t sound like he loves going to school. If you want the same person with him all the time (although he must know them all by now so it’s not like it’s constantly strangers) then surely you can understand that it needs to be funded properly? If he doesn’t have an EHCP and they’re providing it anyway it sounds like they are pretty good and responsive to him. But they don’t have the funding for a 1:1 person so it’s whoever is free a particular day.

I do think you need to accept that he is nothing like normal 8 year olds though. He has quite significant needs. You talk about “minor issues” but then also mention “big things” and say that when you talk to him about these they don’t happen again. Except from that it seems that big things have happened on multiple occasions. You don’t say what but it sounds serious. Repeatedly disrupting the class by refusing to do things also is not minor and is very unfair on the other children who are there to learn.

Have you considered home education or a different educational setting?

I've worked in years 3 and 4 most recently and your child is not like any other 8 year old. Sorry to be blunt but the reason for swapping out the 1 to 1 is two fold, firstly if they get attached to a TA/LSA and that person goes off sick say to have an operation then this can have a massive impact on the child who suddenly has a new 1 to 1.

The second reason is that some children are much more challenging than others and it is unfair that a TA/LSA has to deal with that child every day and not all of them work 5 days a week. Some children lick the faces of TAs, they have broken their fingers, left massive bruises on their shins from kicking them, then there are non-violent, non-aggressive children who are much easier to deal with.

The fact that your child has a 1 to 1 without an EHCP speaks volumes that they are trying to help your son. I don't believe he is being told he is naughty because that isn't a technique used in school. There is a lot of talk about "making the right choice" to instil a sense of choosing a behaviour.

You do seem to be coming at this from a very combative position. Your casual observations do not trump qualifications and experience of 6 hours a day with your child in a school setting. However, I would ask for a meeting with the school to explain your concerns about your son's behaviour at home and what can be done going forward.

Classroom yes but outside there is no need to that level of support. He follows rule. He actually is quite the stickler for rules and tells me if im breaking school rules. He has a lot of structure at home, does his chores including vacuming (apparently he likes it 🤷‍♀️) and lots of freedom to be a kid too. The level of issues that come up at school doesn't come up outside of school.

That's what we have asked. If they still want the support person in the playground on him have them stand away from him and not hover over him. They r literally right next to him while the kids r playing.

What the fuck “paid stalker”. What an insult to the really hard working school support staff who get shit money and put up with stuff most of us never would. Do you think they are doing it for fun? He’s clearly unable to be in a class without totally disrupting it. Do you genuinely think that the TA enjoys spending all her time with this 8 year old kid who is totally unable to obey simple instructions and who runs away regularly? Whose parents don’t really seem that arsed about getting him assessed? No they don’t it’s for his own and others’ protection.

School is not suitable for all children, especially children with autism.
It sounds like the school are pushing him further than he can cope with.

Government education funding for kids who need concessions to support their learning.

Medical assessments to see a therapist. There could be a myriad of things the most common advice so far is ADHD

Well I doubt it’s because the TA wants to be there - s/he would probably much rather have a bit of a break during playtime. There is obviously a reason they have identified for it - maybe one of the “big things” he did that you apparently spoke to him about. The fact that your kid can’t attend school without an adult with him at all times makes it baffling that you think he’s like all other 8 year olds. How come they don’t all need support staff then?

This is the first time he's ever running away from ppl that. There r some new behaviours I'm seeing I've never seen before since starting at this school. So now we're dealing with new behaviours on top of existing behaviours he needs help with

Why did you say initially he is no different to any other 8yo and then say you have applied for funding for him?

By what route have you tried to access funding?

Is this a fair report of your kid?

He's absolutely fine, except within the classroom where he doesn't "want" to listen to the teacher, when he's told to sit down?
What other examples of "poor" self discipline does he have?
At the moment I see no reason why they need 1 on 1 attention at a cost of around 50K per annum.

I'm a bit old school, which I know isn't the right fit for everyone, but has your son been given the choice of modifying his behaviour so that he doesn't need the 1 on 1 supervision constantly? He's 8, not 4. He's capable of learning.

My child has adhd. At no point did they struggle to follow instruction and need a 1-2-1 person who was with them the entire time.

there was a little boy at our school who had something very similar but he was quite violent to the point that we struggled to want to send our children in.

what is their entire reasoning for this? Because he says no and can’t sit still?

Did the old school make any attempt at an easy transition for your DS to the new school and did you see a copy of any correspondence between them?

How were your son’s needs managed in the old school? Was his time there happy and successful ? Were you aware before he started his new school that he would be having such intense supervision?

It sounds as though your son can be defiant and oppositional and it’s possible that he is on the spectrum. If this was communicated to the new school, maybe it wasn’t communicated accurately or fully enough, especially if he has no official diagnosis or plan in place.

I sympathise with your dilemma because it seems that the daily over-control is having a detrimental effect and exacerbating your son’s problems.

There must be a reason that the school is finding the money to pay for daily one to one supervision. (Is it a private school OP?) This missing information makes it difficult to advise you in how to make things better for your little boy.

It sounds as though the new school consider your child to have more difficulties than you do or that your idea of normal 8year old behaviour is completely different to that of the new school.
I would ask for a meeting with the HT in order to understand those differences.
All the best for your little boy!

That's what we have asked. If they still want the support person in the playground on him have them stand away from him and not hover over him. They r literally right next to him while the kids r playing.

I would just keep asking for this.
He only started the school a few months ago and so it’s going to take time.

These people are losing out on their breaks (most of which are unpaid) just to watch your son.
So there are concerns that he cannot keep himself safe.

You need to get out of the mentality that this is a jail and they’re against your son, as it sounds like they’re going above and beyond for him.
Most schools would not have staff willing to give up their unpaid breaks.

What reason have they given you for having a 1-1 during break times?

You can apply for your own echp. You do not need a diagnosis. You do not need to wait for the achool

you can do it all yourselves.

Defiancy and preventing the other 29 children from learning is not a minor issue.

As a teacher they will not give 1 to 1 unless there is an issue. They can't afford it. His behaviour is not neurotypical so speak to the SENDCO.

It is consistent in the classroom. I absolutely want full support in the classroom. I just want the playtime reduced or loosened up. They actually recommended less support in the classroom because apparent the teacher can handle it and tightening the playground where little to no issues come up.

What I'm asking is for the classroom to continue with full support and lessen the playground. Even the teacher said that he's fine during playtime so I'm confused about what they're doing reducing classroom support

Even with funding it is unusual for children to have a 1:1 constantly glued to them, EHCPs usually state some time with 1:1 but not all day every day