School is making it worse

[Sadmummlaugh]

I hope someone can help me. My son 8 started a new school a few months ago. He can be tough to deal with but we assume it's no different to other 8 yo. Unfortunately the school before He started already labled him as a problem child. My son is not violent, agressive and mostly very polite. He gets along well with everyone and has loads of friends. He just needs help with following instructions on the spot. He is trying so so hard to do well but he just emotionally he cant. They allocated an a support person who follows him around everywhere. They r with him all day everyday. It's never the same person. The school gives us some BS about they r there to keep him safe and to be his advocate. I've seen with my own eyes that they r watching him like a hawk. They hover over him, they r telling him what to do all the time do this don't do that... they never give him an opportunity. From what I've seen and heard they just want to control his behaviour. It's literally like jail for the poor kid. Things looked like it was improving and now his behaviour at school has spiked so much and I don't know what to do. At home he's different too. He's can't stop moving about, he's increased self soothing like chewing nails, rocking, spinning and getting frustrated really easily to the point where he is bending backwards and pushing the ground. I've never ever seen him do that before. I believe the excessive limitations is causing a change in him and not in a good way. I have spoken to the school every week and they just keep escalating their discipline which then makes his behaviour worse. Even the after school carers r noticing a difference .
I would love some advice on what I can do to help mu son at school. I obviously can't be there but besides trying to talk some sense to the school I'm stumped. Please any advice.
Thx, Worried mum

Thank you for all your comments. So a few things I need to make clear. He was not expelled from the last school. We moved. He had an assessment and we r seeking help. We have been working closely with the school and we have done everything they have asked. I talk to my son every day about what is happening and he is very frustrated being followed around and his words its like jail. The person changes every day so he doesn't have a person he feels safe with. We have asked for funding because he does need help and we r waiting for it to come through. He is not violent at all or agressive. He doesn't swear and he always helps a kid who's hurt. The problem is that he doesn't follow instructions and says no a lot purely because he doesn't want to do it. When he's really upset he runs and hides.

We want him to have 121 support. We actually pushed for that in the classroom because hes overstimulated and works really well 121. The frustrating thing about the whole thing is that they tell us one thing about the support but I have seen with my eyes the opposit is happening. I keep feeding it back and we get nothing back from them. I don't know what they r saying to my son because lately he's been talking down to himself and keeps saying he's naughty. He's not as confident as what he use to be and when I drop him off and sees this one particular support person he will run back to me and hide behind me. I mean he loves going to school by seeing him like this is so sad.

That's quite an assumption there...

Such as?

You update shows you know it isn't 'normal'.
It sounds as if the 1-1 is to keep your DS safe from others bullying him and from himself getting into danger.
Is it in lessons too or only in unstructured time?

Ask school for meeting. Go in in 'constructive' mode. Thank for their help, explain what isn't working so well. Suggest things that could be tweaked.

I think you need to be realistic about your sons behaviour. He requires 1 to 1 supervision at all times in school. That is extreme. What do you want to happen for him? Would you like the support to be reduced? If he refuses to do as he is asked and runs away at 8YO there is a very real possibility the school will tell you they are unable to meet his needs. He is clearly not coping and it's extremely disruptive for the rest of the class too. I think you need to have a clear idea of what you think would help him & work with the school to try a new strategy. The mainstream school system is not designed to deal with the huge amounts of SEN children it now has in each class - this is mainly due to a lack of SEN provision for children which is letting both schools & families down.

and risk the safety of other children? no

Violence

He had an assessment and we r seeking help.

what assessment?
what help are you seeking?

It's the consistent minor issues like not sitting on the floor when asked, waiting his turn to speak, do the work set for him. When they r big ones and after I talk to him it never comes up again and these r far and few between.

We have asked for funding because he does need help and we r waiting for it to come through

who did you “ask for funding”

The problem is that he doesn't follow instructions and says no a lot purely because he doesn't want to do it. When he's really upset he runs and hides.

The amount of time must be spent on your child means 121 is the only option

OP these are not minor issues. Maybe as a one off but this sounds constant. You are downplaying things which is understandable as you see your lovely boy at home. School can't have a child refusing to do work, refusing to sit on the carpet & shouting out. Surely you can see how that would be disruptive? Does he have any identified special needs? He is not coping. Does he behave this way at home?

It does actually sound like his anxiety is increasing from your description.

I also think that they are giving that level support because he needs it but, I don't think, from what you say, that the various 1 to 1s sound like they have had training or understand him.

A 1 to 1 isn't a cure and they can increase anxiety, and it can increase behaviour issues. They need to be trained and a good fit personality wise. Also they need to know what they should be doing so guided by advice from an OT SaLT or an EP. The pushing the ground thing sounds very much like someine trying to reregulate themselves. My son had terrible issues as staff kept trying to put him in a calm down tent. When he finally was assessed by an OT, it turned out he needed something very different to that and the calm down tent made it worse.

I agree speak to the senco. Start with saying how pleased you are they put in a high level of support, quickly, with no funding. Then go onto how it isn't working, it's increasing anxiety and what to do next. Then go back to how great they are and you hear such terrible things about other places, but they have met with you and want to get it right.

i’m guessing your relationship with the school is poor at best

He hasn't shown any od that kind of behaviour

Your son has significant additional needs. He is not like any other 8 year old.

The saying no to things and running and hiding is a problem.

The school need to keep him safe, which means knowing where he is.

These days most schools are enclosed and the kids cannot get out, so kids who run can no longer leave school and get out into traffic
/ the open like they used to.

I have known multiple children like your son (I'm a teacher). You need to get him on the assessment track for ASD and also look at school input from an educational psychologist and child behaviour services if your local authority still offers this.

You would benefit from getting an EHCP for him.

Your version of “minor issues” is most parents version of very very serious issues

What risk? He's not doing things to others

Can you not see how disruptive these ‘minor issues’ are? Imagine if every child refused to sit on the floor, constantly interrupted when it wasn’t their turn to speak, refused to do the work set for them. There is 1 teacher for 30 children. They cannot have 1 child disrupting the whole class by refusing to do even ‘minor’ things. The fact they’ve given him a 1:1 despite not having any funding in place for it shows how significant his issues are. Yet you think he’s as normal as any other 8 year old. He absolutely isn’t. You need to consider whether mainstream school is the right place for him and if not look for a provision that can meet his needs

This has to be the reason. Others or himself.

I'd keep your point of view about him being 'in jail' away from his ears so it doesn't provoke more upset.

I am upset for you OP but I do think you need to accept there are behavioural issues and he is likely to need a diagnosis of some kind. Please work with the school to get help for your DS.

aside from completely disrupting lessons and absorbing huge amounts of the teachers time and energy unless he has 121

this must be so frustrating for the school dealing with a parent who seems completely unengaged and unwilling to accept reality

OP if you’re honest… does your son ever get invited to play dates?

Your son does not sound unlike my own 7 year old and I really empathise. Last year amd in the previous years he had a teacher that supported and advocated for him. When he was comfortable in the relationship, his behaviour was much less challenging. This year he has been in some difficult situations with a new teacher and TA he doesn't have the same rapport with. Rather than listening with a sense of humour and humility like would have previously he will likely growl or be defensive and switch off from learning. Perhaps you could talk to the school about ways to build the rapport with the team assigned to him so they know when to react and when not to. Also ask them to help work on some clear guidelines on what is behaviour that needs addressed and what is merely inability to concentrate or control his impulses.

would i be correct in thinking

he never gets invited to play dates
no one ever accepts play date invitations if you ever issue one
and you aren’t close to any of the parents in his class

We want him to have 121 support. We actually pushed for that in the classroom because hes overstimulated and works really well 121.

So you pushed for a 1-1 person and now you’re unhappy that your son has been given one?

What exactly are you unhappy with then?

There are rules in school and some kids find that more difficult than others but rules and structure are good for kids.

You tend to find that kids who struggle yo follow the rules at school and have to try extra hard, are worse at home because they hold it in all day and then let rip when they’re at home.

I would have a chat to the school about it.
He needs time to be himself and not worry about rules etc, and so I wonder if the school would allow a few minutes for him to be allowed to run about the hall or playground by himself.

I would also do this at home too.
When he gets home, just let him play by himself and choose the activity. It may be screen time, colouring or running about the garden but he needs something to decompress from the day.

It’s really important that he has rules and structure at home too but in a way that he’s not constantly being restricted.