Harsh punishment at primary school complaint

[Kasiapol28]

Hi there, sorry for the long thread...

I am after some advice on how to proceed with the school. My son ( 11 yo, year 6 ) is a bright boy and does well at school, even passing the grammar test for a local school. He has had 2 parents meeting so far this year and at everyone his teacher has praised him on behaviour and his work. No issues mentioned.

His heart is in sport, he plays football out of school and and this year he was chosen to be a sports ambassador at the school ( along with 60 others ) which meant he was able to to go to football tournaments, athletics..e.t.c .

Although the selection for teams is meant to be fair for everyone, the same 6 boys always get chosen and then the spares picked from the rest of the kids. These 6 boys are very close friends with my son.

However since January the school have been excluding him from certain sports events due to 'behaviour issues'.

On both occasions the school did not even bother to contact me to tell me that my son had been excluded from the events and at no point did they contact me to tell me they were having concerns with his behaviour. So obviously I was very taken aback by this. How can I work with him on his so called ' low disruption behaviour' as they called it , if I don't even know it is happening.

I wrote to the headteacher as I felt this was a very harsh punishment, to which he even replied that although he felt my child's behaviour was not extreme he was not following the school values and so the punishment stayed.

The reason he was not allowed to attend the latest event was because he was not tucking his shirt in, had not worn a tie on one occasion, and was causing ' low Distribution in class' year leaders words.

The issue is that they chose to announce who was going to the event on Monday of SATS week and the event was happening on that Friday which was also meant to be a celebration day at the school for finishing SATS with bouncy castles and all sorts. This caused a lot of necessary stress during what is a hard time for him during SATS week.

When my son heard the news that he was not picked and his group of friends were going to the event he was heartbroken. It has effected him all week and he has been in tears and feels left out and will not have anyone to share the celebrations with. I have not sent him into school today as he was so upset last night, seeing him in tears like that broke my heart, he is a good boy, doesn't swear at teachers or hurt kids, I just feel heartbroken for him.

Is it just me or does that seem rather extreme punishment ? Surely missing some lunch/ play or even a phone call to me so I could help him work at it would have been enough for this type of behaviour ?

The thing is other friends show the same kind of behaviour but do not get punished as he does as they are the favourites. Sorry probably should have mentioned that

how do you know others do this? Especially if you didn’t know your own child was misbehaving?

We all have a tendency to think our own children are great and we believe them when they tell us Jonny was really disruptive in class but we also forget that our little darling was probably the one either encouraging or following the disruption.

It sounds like the school should have informed you if his behaviour was of concern but your son is old enough to know what the rules are and that not following them brings sanctions.

I also think that it was a poor choice by the school to make the announcement in SATs week & add extra stress but your keeping him off school must mean he is missing those tests.

Im sorry but it all sounds a bit precious.

how do you know others do this? Especially if you didn’t know your own child was misbehaving?
Exactly…

I’m surprised that the school would potentially upset so many kids so close to SATS as their success is measured by pupil results.
I’d just tell my son ‘Good job you’re leaving that school soon’ or similar 🙂

I imagine the school might feel the same way.

I would say even though your child's behaviour is low disruption, it is constant, which is annoying for teachers and peers which is why the punishment seems so harsh. Your son has had time to fix up his behaviour and is old enough to understand this.

Yes it’s called discipline and it applies all year round, weirdly.

I totally get it - it's very harsh punishment by the school and the teachers, and unfair to have no even notified you about it. I think the low disruption probably stems from not feeling challenged enough in classes, as you describe a very bright boy and I can imagine that. My advice would be not to focus too much on the event, and plan to take him to a sports event on the Friday (last day) and not send him to school that day. That way, you are rewarding him for working hard despite being unfairly punished. I guess the lesson would be sometimes things will be unfair in life, but you don't let it get to you and find a way to do something even better and bigger. Silly school.

I've found that "low disruption" often stems from being bored and not challenged enough in class. The problem then is the teacher/the system, and not the student. We quite often forget that this is a system that doesn't cater much for individuals, and so crushing an individual's spirit just to conform to the (probably flawed) "rules" isn't the right way to manage this.

Not feeling challenged is not an excuse for bad behaviour. I suspect OP's son was warned about his behaviour from the school and he ignored it.
That friday was a celebration day at the school, Op said there were bouncy castles etc. It was a fun day for anyone not taking part in the sports. Instead of encouraging her DS to pick himself up from his disappointment of not being picked for the team and make the best of the fun day OP let him cry for a week and get himself in such a state he needed the day off.

It's not a harsh punishment. It is the loss of a privilege.

If you want to go to events you need to behave.

You’ve never obviously never worked in schools then 🙄

Honestly OP you need to really take on board most of the responses here. Your DS will soon be in year 7 and lots of Secondary teachers are v strict esp in first term of year 7. My DS, now 16, has also been low-level disruptive especially in year 9 & 10 and has lots of detentions because of it (not tucking shirt in, talking in class, smirking when told off etc). I've had emails home from form tutor etc about his behaviour (& compared with some other kids in his year he's practically a saint!). V v common in boys especially & as they go through puberty. Nip it in the bud if you can - tell him life isn't always fair etc & he has to behave in school or punishments can easily escalate to isolation or Sat detentions. Once he becomes even slightly unpopular with v strict teachers they will then be even harsher with him when he misbehaves (this happened to my DS). There is little you can do as a parent once they are year 7 onwards. Except hope your child is able to follow the many, many rules. A substitute teacher gave my son a detention when another child threw a pen across the room (my DS probably laughed or something). I didn't bother complaining. a 30 min detention aged 15 didn't kill him.

Have the school told you they hadn’t warned him that poor behaviour would get him excluded from the trip, @Kasiapol28, or is it just your son who has said this?

If, as I suspect, it is the latter, then my bet is that he was told that, if he didn’t buck his ideas up, he was in danger of not being picked for the trip, and he didn’t pay attention to what he was told.

I would be extremely surprised if this sanction was applied without any prior warning - it seems far more likely that a child has ignored the warnings they were given.

I've found that "low disruption" often stems from being bored and not challenged enough in class.

Most children will be bored in some lessons (often because they don't particularly like the subject), and will be less challenged in some subjects than others, depending on their strengths. I'm afraid that is inevitable in mixed-ability classes of 30 kids. Learning to behave yourself even when you're not constantly entertained is an important skill to learn.

If you want a 'one size for each individual' education, I'm afraid home schooling is the only one that will work. Expecting children not to disrupt other children's learning is not 'crushing the individual’s spirit'. We are already a very individualistic society. People need to learn to cooperate for the benefit of all, and childhood is the time to start.

Well said. There is nothing more frustrating than low level disruption. It’s rude and they are effectively stealing time from other children. From brighter children it’s seldom because they’re bored. It’s more likely that they’re arrogant and nobody has ever told them no.

And a good teacher will spot those that need a challenge and will give them appropriate tasks/jobs to preoccupy.

Low level disruption is normally kids that have very little boundaries. Low level would suggest that self control is lacking. If unable to control in classroom, it will likely be the same at sporting events also.

If it isn't consistent to him, then why is it that it has been going on since January and you are only now put out when he is missing out?

This isn't me being mean but as a parent, I would have taken more action of I believe my child was out of sorts for 4 months or more.

And disrupts a patter with other students that you might feel as a teacher that you are getting a breakthrough. The OP has described kids who have sworn at teachers and attacked students etc(I suspect to deflect off her own DC) that probably are the bigger fish that require frying.

OP seems to think her genuis, next olympic athlete can't be excluded from things because his besties are all there. This child is going to take high school hard and will end up an anxious non attender if the OP isn't careful. This kid is learning nothing from this situation. He will have FOMO fpr everything amd will run to Mum as he doesn't know how to navigate his feelings.

The way I see it your son was not excluded. They have 60 sports embassiders and can only take 6. Off course they will pick the best behaved kids. Why would they take a child delaying constant low level disruption?

Is the school consistent with their punishments? If so, I feel your son should have known better and behaved himself. It does seem quite harsh but it’s a good lesson to learn. I just hope it encourages the right behaviour and doesn’t put him off.

@Kasiapol28

I would make sure you know the School's Behaviour and Punishment policy inside out before you see the staff.

In my view, a school cannot reinvent their behaviour and punishments policy for this last term. I've never seen this snd never heard of it. However I suspect they will say not choosing him to represent the school is within their gift and nothing to do with the policy as other dc were not involved who could have been.

However, your DS has not been denied statutory education. I agree you probably should have been told he was at risk of not being chosen. However was he told? What did the school say to him about this?

Talk to him about being bored. I think he might be. He does know this is a consequence of possibly being silly but I don't agree with changes in behaviour policy that is not explained to parents and possibly the dc. This is your best argument.

OP your son will have been given countless warnings in class and by his hoy. I think there is a tendency for bright, middle class kids to sometimes think they can get away with things. In most schools being chosen for trips and sports competitions representing the school is about being respectful of others and the school. If they are not choosing your child due to this, they are telling you he is disrespectful. His behaviour is likely managed and manageable but that doesn't mean it's good. I have seen loads of kids like this. The parents often minimise it with the following excuses
1 he is bright and bored - ie it's the teachers fault

1. He is just expressi g his opinions. I've taught him to do this. Ie it's the school's fault.
2. He is not the only one. Ie its the teachers fault or he is being singled out.
3. He got on brilliantly last year with Mrs X so it must be this year's teacher's fault.
4. He has low self esteem. He thinks the teacher doesn't like him. Ie it's the teacher's fault.

Ultimately the parents dislike hearing that their child is a bit of a pain and instead go on the defensive in a similar way to you. Instead you could accept the he has got a bit out of hand and needs to learn this lesson. I would be telling g him that he needs to suck it up and remember that pissing around and being a rude will get him less than if he is polite and well mannered.