Harsh punishment at primary school complaint

[Kasiapol28]

Hi there, sorry for the long thread...

I am after some advice on how to proceed with the school. My son ( 11 yo, year 6 ) is a bright boy and does well at school, even passing the grammar test for a local school. He has had 2 parents meeting so far this year and at everyone his teacher has praised him on behaviour and his work. No issues mentioned.

His heart is in sport, he plays football out of school and and this year he was chosen to be a sports ambassador at the school ( along with 60 others ) which meant he was able to to go to football tournaments, athletics..e.t.c .

Although the selection for teams is meant to be fair for everyone, the same 6 boys always get chosen and then the spares picked from the rest of the kids. These 6 boys are very close friends with my son.

However since January the school have been excluding him from certain sports events due to 'behaviour issues'.

On both occasions the school did not even bother to contact me to tell me that my son had been excluded from the events and at no point did they contact me to tell me they were having concerns with his behaviour. So obviously I was very taken aback by this. How can I work with him on his so called ' low disruption behaviour' as they called it , if I don't even know it is happening.

I wrote to the headteacher as I felt this was a very harsh punishment, to which he even replied that although he felt my child's behaviour was not extreme he was not following the school values and so the punishment stayed.

The reason he was not allowed to attend the latest event was because he was not tucking his shirt in, had not worn a tie on one occasion, and was causing ' low Distribution in class' year leaders words.

The issue is that they chose to announce who was going to the event on Monday of SATS week and the event was happening on that Friday which was also meant to be a celebration day at the school for finishing SATS with bouncy castles and all sorts. This caused a lot of necessary stress during what is a hard time for him during SATS week.

When my son heard the news that he was not picked and his group of friends were going to the event he was heartbroken. It has effected him all week and he has been in tears and feels left out and will not have anyone to share the celebrations with. I have not sent him into school today as he was so upset last night, seeing him in tears like that broke my heart, he is a good boy, doesn't swear at teachers or hurt kids, I just feel heartbroken for him.

Is it just me or does that seem rather extreme punishment ? Surely missing some lunch/ play or even a phone call to me so I could help him work at it would have been enough for this type of behaviour ?

Yabu for not sending him in today. What is he learning there, that if he gets annoyed he can opt out of things? He probably would have had a good time today and now he's moping at home.

I suppose just reinforcing to him everyday before school to remember what he is working towards and what the consequence's will be at school ie: missing events.

Talking to him about why his behaviour has reverted back? maybe there is something else going on ?

I think there are many ways to work with kids at home.

Are you sure that the 6 boys are favourites rather than the best at football? By age 11 I would expect some spaces on a team to be the kids who are best at the sport. I know that weekend football teams work like that from a younger age and if this is a private school (ties for primary etc) then sports results to be important.

Your son had lots of opportunities to change his behaviour but didn’t out of his personal choice. I would expect a year 7 parent not to be informed about low level shit since it would take the teachers hours every day to call every parent whose child did this. Again, private schools aren’t unreasonable to have high behaviour expectations in year 6.

Hopefully this punishment will make your son think about his behaviour rather than escalate his bad behaviour because he’s angry. He’s been excluded from other events so should know that the school mean it when they say behave. By age 11 he shouldn’t need you on his back too, he is clearly choosing to be low level disruptive and it’s up to him to change if he wants to participate in sport. Secondary schools are often bigger so you won’t get as much info as in primary so treat this as a learning moment rather than blaming the school for your child’s choices.

The grammar school admission is neither here nor there. Low level disruption can happen with any child and no school is going to overlook it because someone is academic. Your son needs to decide how important sport is and either keep on going as he was or make an effort every day and not hold up the education of others. So much time must be wasted with telling kids to tuck in their shirts etc.

Just because your son does well in school and is Celebes doesn’t mean he has a free pass to be disruptive in class.

You’re basically say it doesn’t matter that he’s being disruptive because he still gets good grades however you’re failing to think about the children who do need to concentrate and focus to get good grades and cannot do so because your son is playing up.

Feels like you're taking one side of the story and perhaps not asking how you can support the school.

Your child, albeit not as bad as some are making them sound here - does need to improve their behaviour. Constant low level behaviours and disregard to school rules (whether you agree or not) is extremely annoying and will affect other students education.

Hopefully, your child will learn from this mistake. We all make mistakes; but you should have sent your child to school today.

He’s been excluded from events before so you and your son should have known that the school would use that sanction before. The best punishments are the ones that are felt the most- stopping him representing the school in swimming is not effective if wants to represent the school in football.

How is his behaviour at home ? Does he get away with low level disruption there so thinks that he can do it at school too? He should be trying his best daily regardless of rewards like football matches.

Again, it was a bit long to write to write in the initial post so sorry, he suffers from Migraines, has been to the doctor for MRI and all sorts unfortunately. The main reason he didn't go in was because he got him self in such a state with crying and the stress and anxiety that it brought on a migraine, which was brought on by the upset of not being able to enjoy the day as his whole group of friends have got to go to the event and he would not have anyone to share the day with in school.

I appreciate what you are saying but I know my son, and he was clearly distressed, I have not seen him like this in a long time.

I think I'd be inclined to reply back to the Headteacher thanking them for their feedback, saying you support the school in the punishment now you understand why it was given, but politely requesting that communication home is improved so you can better work together to help improve your son's behaviour in school.

At home I'd sympathise to your son over his feelings of disappointment, but be careful not to criticise the school or their decision. Let him know you believe he is capable of wonderful things. Let him know we all make mistakes and all have disappointments, but they pass, we learn from them and we move on.

Op - with kindness, you’re not helping him. I work at a school and your son reminds me of some of the children I know. You will not see him in a school capacity. Believe the teachers and support their process. His will honestly help your son the most in the future.

Absolutley we did know what the consequences where which is why we asked the school after the first incident to let me and his father know if his behaviour was changing again so that we could nip it in the bud so that this did not happen again to him. As I said he had been golden since the last event in January and up until this point, great school report in March. Unfortunately they never told us anything had changed and this I think is unfair.

Lesson learned - you don't always get what you want if you disrespect your teachers and classmates. It's not a harsh punishment, it's the consequence of not behaving appropriately.

I would expect to be informed straight away if there were any behavioural issues so that I could support the school in dealing with them.

I suggest your son toes the line and you reenforce the school’s discipline. There is about 0 chance this will be tolerated at the grammar, they will expel him.

I’d be annoyed that nothing had been communicated to me about long term disruptive behaviour, if that’s what they are saying it is, and I would want to know what he is doing in class to cause the disruption.

I can’t really speak to the punishment but I’d probably tell him to take it as a lesson learned in this instance. I’d definitely be in touch with the school though as I’d want to be in the loop. I think things like loosing play time and other minor everyday sanctions don’t need to be exhaustively communicated, but behaviour that leads to being excluded from trips and external activities should not come as a surprise to a parent.

I can see your point OP. Low level disruption is a PITA both for other pupils and the teachers, and I can understand why there’s a consequence for it. However, the mixed messages coming from the school are puzzling and you should have been notified well before now if his behaviour was so consistently disruptive that he was in danger of missing out on events - my DC’s schools would have been on this immediately. If schools want parents to work with them then they have to involve them and it doesn’t sound like that happened.

I’d do as @AnthuriumCrystallinum suggests and have a conversation with the school to set what’s required from you and your son going forward, how they will be monitoring him and how you will be informed of any disruptive behaviour so that it can be dealt with appropriately.

Ah OP I think this is very harsh. I feel your and his pain . I mean look he's in year 6 he's prob a bit bored , he's not the only one, I don't like it but what can you do when silly rules like this go to the principals head. I mean come on - not tucking shirt in. Any warnings given? This is the part of schools I struggle massively with. Rules and rules but there's the spirit of the law too. He's a good kid overall ffs

I think 'disrespecting' is a little harsh, when I say low disruptive behaviour, from what they have told me this is things like talking in class, one of them was he does not answer his name quick enough when the register is called- I mean Jesus really ? It's not the army, and yes children will sometimes try to finish a conversation quickly when told its time to be quite but they are children and this is low level, my son is not disrespectful in any way and this behaviour has not been consistent from him.

Aw I'm sorry he was so upset he got a migraine . I feel this is very harsh. I'd be tempted to take him out of school and treat him. Ending the primary achool years with all this upset doesn't sit right with me. Poor chap.

Good luck with your choice of secondary. I’m sure this behaviour won’t cause any problems at all there 🤣

As I said he had been golden since the last event in January and up until this point, great school report in March. Unfortunately they never told us anything had changed and this I think is unfair.

I think unfair is the wrong word. Unhelpful might be better.

I do think that this could be a useful experience for him if managed correctly.

I think you need to encourage him to see this as a natural consequence of his actions and not a 'punishment'. He failed to demonstrate a consistent ability to represent the school in his behaviour and appearance and the natural consequence of that is that the school do not want to take a chance on him representing them at an event in front of other schools. He needs to use his time in class to show that he can be counted on to behave well.

Thank you for your response, I appreciate what you are saying , I did ask in the first incident in Jan how I could support the school to stop this from happening again and it was agreed that they would let me know if his behaviour reverted back at any point so that we could nip it in the bud together as parents and school. However this did not happen, since the first incident in Jan and then a splendid report from school in March we have not heard anything. The first we heard was on Monday ( first day of SATS ) when he was told he did not make the team due to not keeping up with the school values'.

And this is why Teachers are leaving in droves.
Of course OP's son will probably not go on to be a bigger problem but I sit on an Exclusion committee and the amount of nonsense and excuses we hear from parents about how "upset" their 6ft 15 year old who punched a teacher is astounds me.
Kids need to learn consequences from a very early age and Mummy stepping in over a punishment at school won't help.
My son did something that I feel probably didn't warrant a detention and even the teacher who gave it said he didn't want to do it but DS had broken a rule. I spoke to DS about it and talked about how to avoid such scenarios in the future but he still did the detention.

I think the not answering his name in the register is a very good example of something you can’t see as disruption but which is low level and time wasting and is stopping the class from making a quick start to the day.

Your son has been answering his name in the register for six years. He knows it is the start to the day and other things have to wait until it is completed, he knows where his name comes in the list, he knows how to respond, he knows that until he responds the teacher can’t move down the list. Yet he chooses not to answer his name until, I assume, the teacher has asked him several times. Can you not see how this is seen as a deliberate act of disruption?

And as for continuing a conversation when he has been asked to be quiet and pay attention. Who is in charge of the class, your son or the teacher?

Thank you for your response, yes agree it is low level disruption, and please believe I am not excusing his behaviour, but that is not my point, my point is that had the teacher communicated with me that it was such a big issue to her that it would warrant an exclusion from a trip away to play sports then I could have nipped it in the bud with him and it would have meant that he could have checked these low level disruptions and have been able to go to the event.

had the teacher communicated with me that it was such a big issue to her that it would warrant an exclusion from a trip away to play sports then I could have nipped it in the bud with him

I'm not excusing the inconsistent communication from the school, but your son should not need you to relay what the teacher is asking him in order for him to take her seriously.

He doesn't sound like a bad boy at all. We learn through our mistakes - don't over protect him from his.