Harsh punishment at primary school complaint

[Kasiapol28]

Hi there, sorry for the long thread...

I am after some advice on how to proceed with the school. My son ( 11 yo, year 6 ) is a bright boy and does well at school, even passing the grammar test for a local school. He has had 2 parents meeting so far this year and at everyone his teacher has praised him on behaviour and his work. No issues mentioned.

His heart is in sport, he plays football out of school and and this year he was chosen to be a sports ambassador at the school ( along with 60 others ) which meant he was able to to go to football tournaments, athletics..e.t.c .

Although the selection for teams is meant to be fair for everyone, the same 6 boys always get chosen and then the spares picked from the rest of the kids. These 6 boys are very close friends with my son.

However since January the school have been excluding him from certain sports events due to 'behaviour issues'.

On both occasions the school did not even bother to contact me to tell me that my son had been excluded from the events and at no point did they contact me to tell me they were having concerns with his behaviour. So obviously I was very taken aback by this. How can I work with him on his so called ' low disruption behaviour' as they called it , if I don't even know it is happening.

I wrote to the headteacher as I felt this was a very harsh punishment, to which he even replied that although he felt my child's behaviour was not extreme he was not following the school values and so the punishment stayed.

The reason he was not allowed to attend the latest event was because he was not tucking his shirt in, had not worn a tie on one occasion, and was causing ' low Distribution in class' year leaders words.

The issue is that they chose to announce who was going to the event on Monday of SATS week and the event was happening on that Friday which was also meant to be a celebration day at the school for finishing SATS with bouncy castles and all sorts. This caused a lot of necessary stress during what is a hard time for him during SATS week.

When my son heard the news that he was not picked and his group of friends were going to the event he was heartbroken. It has effected him all week and he has been in tears and feels left out and will not have anyone to share the celebrations with. I have not sent him into school today as he was so upset last night, seeing him in tears like that broke my heart, he is a good boy, doesn't swear at teachers or hurt kids, I just feel heartbroken for him.

Is it just me or does that seem rather extreme punishment ? Surely missing some lunch/ play or even a phone call to me so I could help him work at it would have been enough for this type of behaviour ?

No, he needs to behave.
It seems harsh to you I am sure and I am not without sympathy for him but schools need to have a certain level of expected behaviour or it will be chaos and unfair to the other kids.
As for the fact that he passed "The Grammar Test" it doesnt exempt him from doing as he's told.

Not really harsh no, if he's disturbing the class fair play to the school. It's not fair on the other students.

The reason he was not allowed to attend the latest event was because he was not tucking his shirt in, had not worn a tie on one occasion, and was causing ' low Distribution in class' year leaders words.

They wouldn't have given this level of punishment for the uniform violations if it wasn't for the disruption in class, I imagine.

Low level disruption in class (do you know what? I'm guessing talking when he shouldn't and the like) doesn't just hinder his own learning but it distracts his classmates and the teacher too.

I'd talk to the teacher, get a handle on what's happening and make sure your son knows your high expectations for his behaviour.

Recurring "low-level" disruption can get really annoying for teachers and other pupils. In some ways it can be just as bad as one-off instances of more extreme behaviour.

Hi sorry, im not saying he shouldn't do as he is told because he passed grammar, I just mean that he works hard in class and does well academically and this shows especially as he passed grammar.
The thing is other friends show the same kind of behaviour but do not get punished as he does as they are the favourites. Sorry probably should have mentioned that.

If you think not swearing at teachers or hurting kids means he is well behaved you need to look again at his behaviour.
I'd expect that as standard behaviour from a child anywhere not just at school.
Often it is the constant low level behaviour such as chatting, not following instructions, that causes most disruption in class.
If his it behaving as the school expect that punishment in expected and that doesn't seem unduly harsh.

Low level disruption in class stops others’ learning. The school are right to get on top of it.

I appreciate what you are saying, and Im not suggesting that his behaviour is acceptable and shouldn't have consequences my issue is that I think the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

Also it has happened before and they know how it effects him so we asked that if there were any issues with his behaviour for the school to contact me so that I could work on this with him so that if an event was upcoming we could try to rectify the behaviour before it led to exclusion from events.

How do you know that other kids do the same as him and aren't punished?
Because he told you?
He probably genuinely believes he's hard done by but he's probably not.
Talk to him about what he can learn from this going forward so he doesn't do the same at Secondary

He has had since January to improve his behaviour and hasn’t. Being chosen as an ambassador for the school is special, he is representing the school in front of other schools, him goofing off with low level disruption is not what they are looking for.

Perhaps they could have chosen a better time to announce the activity, but then again, maybe they wanted to give the message that being clever is great but hard work and consistently good behaviour is something to be admired and something everyone can achieve.

Honestly, as an ex-teacher, low-level disruption is the worst. And it’s contagious too, and makes for a stressful environment for the well-behaved kids. Your DS’s school is trying to nip it in the bud before he starts secondary and the punishment fits the crime.

Also, you have done him
no favours by letting him stay off today.

Sorry, I didn't want to write to much in the original message.

The first incident happened in January, since then up until end of March- (Parents evening ) he was golden boy and his teacher gave him huge praise at the meeting. Since March I had not heard anything about concerns with his behaviour so that is why I was shocked to hear that he was not chosen for the event. So his behaviour definitely improved for along time.

No it’s not harsh. Boundaries are so important, you’ll be glad the school has them in place. As when they’re in secondary it’s even harder. Better to get them behaving now.

tell your son to stop with the disruption, wear his tie and tuck his shirt in.

Seems like a fitting punishment if I’m honest, I’d be backing school 100% in this one. Well behaved children should get noticed and rewarded it sounds like your school is recognising this for a change.

Good on that school! Why should your son get the glory of representing them at events if he chooses to not behave in school?

it was a privilege and he lost it due to his own choices

Missing the point entirely here but how can there be 60 ambassadors?

Absolutely no need for that, I am trying to have a meaningful conversation and to get everybody's impartial advice so that I can take it all in and try to make the right choices by my son. Thank you for your unnecessary negative input I hope it has made your day a little better, you clearly needed it.

I have no idea, but it's a huge school so I think they try to include as many children as they can

It is a bit harsh and he certainly doesnt sound like a nightmare OP.
He sounds like a perfectly normal 11 year old boy who has consistently misbehaved at school and now has to face the consequences. I have had one of those myself and they do learn when the punishment is something that hits them hard

Thank you for your responses, it has given me a lot to think about.

I definitely believe the school should give him consequences, and they had given him a few minutes off break on occasion they said. I still feel the school should have notified me that they were considering not sending him to an event, I think that would have been fair and would have given me the chance to work on this with him.

What work do you need to do other than to point out to him that this should be a lesson for the future?

It's bizarre they didn't tell you however the punishment is fair. I imagine the school doesn't have the time or staffing to contact parents over these incidents, especially wherr there are so many (which gives you an idea of what they're up against.) Perhaps also because parents are combative rather than supportive. I presume there is a behaviour policy on the website?

The school would not have excluded your son for no reason.

Low level disruption wastes everyone's time, is disrespectful, and brings down the overall academic standard, speed of lessons, and ethos of the classroom or school.

At secondary school there will also be consequences, you son will find himself in isolation and or detentions as well missing trips, etc. if he continues to choose poorly and not respect staff and fellow students.

Low level doesn't mean insignificant. A big behaviour event like stealing a computer or graffiting can affect only the perpetrator and require short-term intervention of a few staff members whereas the breadth of damage caused by and amount of time lost are much greater when e.g. needing more than 1 instruction to take out book, turn to page x, write date, or students talking or turning around, or not bringing a pen, or chewing gum, etc. It's the attrition of acceptable values and attitude to work.

You could ask the school to inform you of poor behaviour as you also want to work on it at home.

I am sorry but I don't agree, he has been in trouble before by the sounds of it so has had plenty of opportunity to behave and not miss this trip.
At 11 he should be able to work on it himself, he will certainly need to to at Secondary.
He's not 5 and he doesn't need your help to behave at school

Hold on there, I think you have had some good input from posters, if your son has taken the advice he was given about his behaviour in the same manner that you have then I am not surprised that he has been told he can no longer represent his school.

The headteacher told you very clearly that your son was not recognising the school values, but you have chosen instead to let him have a day off school instead of pointing out to him that the solution to not getting chosen was in his own hands.

He will meet much stronger expectations of excellent behaviour at secondary school, where he will be expected to monitor his own behaviour when moving around the school, changing classrooms, working with different teachers etc. You need to make that very clear to him immediately and suggest to him that he starts to put that into practice now.