Harsh punishment at primary school complaint

[Kasiapol28]

Hi there, sorry for the long thread...

I am after some advice on how to proceed with the school. My son ( 11 yo, year 6 ) is a bright boy and does well at school, even passing the grammar test for a local school. He has had 2 parents meeting so far this year and at everyone his teacher has praised him on behaviour and his work. No issues mentioned.

His heart is in sport, he plays football out of school and and this year he was chosen to be a sports ambassador at the school ( along with 60 others ) which meant he was able to to go to football tournaments, athletics..e.t.c .

Although the selection for teams is meant to be fair for everyone, the same 6 boys always get chosen and then the spares picked from the rest of the kids. These 6 boys are very close friends with my son.

However since January the school have been excluding him from certain sports events due to 'behaviour issues'.

On both occasions the school did not even bother to contact me to tell me that my son had been excluded from the events and at no point did they contact me to tell me they were having concerns with his behaviour. So obviously I was very taken aback by this. How can I work with him on his so called ' low disruption behaviour' as they called it , if I don't even know it is happening.

I wrote to the headteacher as I felt this was a very harsh punishment, to which he even replied that although he felt my child's behaviour was not extreme he was not following the school values and so the punishment stayed.

The reason he was not allowed to attend the latest event was because he was not tucking his shirt in, had not worn a tie on one occasion, and was causing ' low Distribution in class' year leaders words.

The issue is that they chose to announce who was going to the event on Monday of SATS week and the event was happening on that Friday which was also meant to be a celebration day at the school for finishing SATS with bouncy castles and all sorts. This caused a lot of necessary stress during what is a hard time for him during SATS week.

When my son heard the news that he was not picked and his group of friends were going to the event he was heartbroken. It has effected him all week and he has been in tears and feels left out and will not have anyone to share the celebrations with. I have not sent him into school today as he was so upset last night, seeing him in tears like that broke my heart, he is a good boy, doesn't swear at teachers or hurt kids, I just feel heartbroken for him.

Is it just me or does that seem rather extreme punishment ? Surely missing some lunch/ play or even a phone call to me so I could help him work at it would have been enough for this type of behaviour ?

So your child misbehaved and had a privilege withdrawn ( not a punishment) as a consequence and you keep him off school? Is that right?

Again I think I have to mention as I don't think people are reading through the whole thread, I know its getting crazy long.😅

I do not agree with his behaviour and he has been told this by us his parents and I fully expect the school to give him an APPROPRIATE punishment.

I don't think the punishment fitted the crime and the school were wrong in not communicating with be that he was not meeting the behavioural standards as they had promised they would do.

Thank you all for you responses it's really interesting to hear everyone's feedback.

The reference to "a new level of punishment" makes me the think that the school has had to step up to sort out behavioural problems.

I kept him off school because he had a migraine but also because he was distressed and I was worried about his mental health, does that sound reasonable to you ?

Sorry I don't quite know what the name is but it is a new thing they are doing with a secondary school that a lot of the children are transitioning to in preparation for year 7, which is a great idea.

A reasonably well adjusted child should not find a consequence for poor behaviour impacts on their mental health, op.

@Kasiapol28 honestly? No, surely you should be helping him deal with understanding the consequences of his actions, not shielding him from them. This won't play well at secondary school.

OP you are not in charge of the punishments the school give. They have decided that your son's continuing bad behaviour warrants the exclusion from the events. At 11 years old he is old enough to understand and hopefully learn from this, you didn't need to know. Keeping him off school because he's upset is doing him no favours.

So it sounds as though the secondary school has higher expectations of good behaviour?

While I sympathise with how stressful and upsetting this may be as a mum myself, I do not think the school have been unreasonable from the info you’ve given us.

The school did their job by letting you know the first time and warning that consequences would be applied if this continued. Teachers do not have time to be communicating every instance of low-level disruption and your son is old enough to have taken responsibility for his behaviour the first time it was mentioned to you (assuming that you properly explained to him why it is important to follow instructions and not disrupt training as it is not only disrespectful to teachers but also negatively impacts the other children there). Instead, he continued to be disruptive.

It honestly sounds like you think the members of staff should let low-level misbehaviour slide. As a primary school teacher (the bulk of my experience teaching y5/6 pupils with a range of emotional and behavioural needs), I must say it is so upsetting to see how much time is wasted and taken away from other pupils because of low-level disruption. The teachers did the right thing for the other children involved and hopefully this will be a good lesson for your son moving forward.

Hi OP
Reading through some of the posts and your comments re school and what they told you - I'm 100% with the school and would be happy to send our GC there if it was up to me.

To help you, I would strongly recommend that your son's behaviour that does not meet a good pupil criteria, that you are advised about this then you can make an informed decision on what you may want to do.

HTH

If a parent asks you to contact them if their child's behaviour changes would you not contact them ? This is not about the fact that he misbehaved a couple of times, this is about the fact that it could have been avoided had the teacher contact me to say hes behaviour had changed. The low level behaviour was not consistent from him. It was behaviour that was out of the norm for him so I think we should have been contacted.

Of course the punishment fits the crime - he’s lost out on something that he wanted, because he can’t behave appropriately. That’s how punishment works. Hopefully he’ll learn. I wouldn’t be sympathetic to him either - he fucked around and now he’s finding out. A worthwhile lesson before joining grammar school where there will be even less tolerance for disruption

I think you are right.@rosesandlollipops The OP doesn't care about her son's bad behaviour, she only cares about the boy an event he was looking forward to.

A proportionate response from the school for poor behaviour. Your son needs to behave.

Hi

Your problem is with respect, you are saying you are "agreeing" with the school but in the same breath, not agreeing

If you want to help your son, listen to the school and accept their actions and then work on your son

Take care

What if there’s another kid who loves football, really wants to do this, doesn’t have any behaviour issues at all and your son going would have meant another child being disappointed and distressed? Surely the kid who’s behaved better should get the opportunity? Your son hasn’t been excluded from the school wide celebration, he just hasn’t been picked for one of a very limited number of spaces to engage in a sports event. That is really not a massive punishment. I suggest you model taking disappointment in your stride and thinking about how to move forwards for your son. If you are both, as you say, heartbroken about such a very minor issue I really hope life treats you kindly - the things that break my heart are things like my kids’ severe illnesses that leave them missing out on school stuff with their friends because they’re in hospital. Your son at least has the ability to control some of what is happening - encourage him to do so.

I've taught Year 6 many times and this term is by far the most challenging behaviour wise- lots of the children get a bit "big for their boots" and feel like the rules don't really apply to them any more. The last few weeks of Year 6 tend to be much more unstructured than the rest of their time in school and its a time where poor, low level behaviour can suddenly become really disruptive as they begin to feel that there aren't any real consequences. I've also seen many well behaved children almost go through a bit of a personality transplant at this point in Y6 as they deal with their primary years coming to an end - so perfectly believable that his behaviour has become increasingly disruptive. I imagine they are trying to shock him a bit possibly - in the hope that his behaviour improves and he doesn't miss the rest of the fun this term has to offer. School journey? Y6 production? Leavers events? All things that require good behaviour to be enjoyed by everyone or they just get spoilt. Hopefully he has learned something and can enjoy the rest of his time there.

I think you might find that especially in the first few weeks of secondary he will get a lot of demerits/ detention for that sort of behaviour. He will have a different teacher each hour, each one wanting to make sure that there isn't a culture of low level disruption in their class that year. The zero tolerance will possibly ease off later in the year once they get to know the characters but only if he has shown himself to be responsible early in the year. Alternatively he will be identified early on as someone who is disruptive. Maybe ask the school if after half term they can try a report type card, any disruption and he gets a signature, you can then see how regularly disruptive he is.

Although it may not seem like a bid deal as a punishment. It is for my son as he absolutely loves sport and attending these things so if he misses out it is a BIG thing for him and has a huge impact on him. The teachers are aware that this is a big punishment in his eyes.

As this happened once before we agreed with the teachers that should there be a change in his behaviour they would let me know so that it was nipped in the bud.

If the teachers had let me know and his behaviour continued I would have excepted that and told him tough luck that was your choice. As they gave him no warning and none to me either I thought that was unfair.

OP, don’t become that parent. Your son will struggle in secondary unless you support the school.

OP you might want to have a look at this ongoing thread. It might give you some insight into what school staff think about pupils who are disruptive
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5076702-i-know-its-been-done-to-death-but-i-dont-think-people-realise-how-hard-it-is-to-work-in-a-school?latest=1

I think it is reasonable.

His behaviour issues were low level and so he didn't face any serious sanctions, but they were enough to lose him the privilege of being an ambassador for the school. I would assume he got a bit big for his boots and was being tiresome.

Why does he have to be shocked to the point where he is distressed ? surely calling a parent and asking to have a word or missing a break time is sufficient enough. I think it was too extreme. I would have expected a phone call and then an appropriate consequence at school.

I do agree with what you are saying, the stress of SATS, hormones and all that is going to cause changes in behaviours and I expect the school to do what they can to nip it in the bud, it was just unnecessarily harsh.