AIBU to ask class parents to withhold phones?

[SarahBcn]

The recent news about UN advising against phones in schools and countries banning them in schools has made me want to take action! My dds primary doesn't allow phones in school, but I know that children do have them as I see them on them after school. Already she has said that a few in her class have them (she's in year 3).
I read about a town in Ireland where majority of parents agreed not to give their kids a phone until year 7 and it's worked. I want to suggest this on the parent's whatsapp group - how do you think they'll respond?

Suggest it to the Parents Association, that's who managed it in the Irish schools. And the key to the success is that the principals in all of the primary schools in the area coordinated it together, that way if a kid has friends from another school they're also signed up.

And my ds walks home without a phone. It’s only a 10 minute walk and just not necessary

Also, there’s a massive difference between a fully internet enabled smartphone with no parental controls and unlimited data, and a locked down smartphone with no web browser, night time cut-off, time limits on apps, no social media,, block on downloading apps without approval etc.

You need to be clear what you want, is it really ‘no phones’ or is it ‘no social media and no web browser’, or something or else?

Well I think this is a ridiculous idea, you can't police what other parents do.

My DS has had a smart phone for a few years, he's 10 and going into Y6. I check his phone, the class have a WhatsApp group but parents check it and there have never been any issues. If anything it's been useful in enhancing friendships and teaching responsibility.

We've never had restrictions on phone useable apart from the usual etiquette (during meals, in company, playing on it whilst out and about) and I think this helps to make it a less desired activity. DS rarely has to be told to 'get off' the phone because we have taught him when it is acceptable to use it. I fully expect that once he is older then this might change but so far he's been great with it.

I don't understand why parents aren't allowing phones for when kids are out on their own. The time a child would need a phone js when they are making the 10 minute walk home alone. Otherwise what's the point? The emphasis has to be on having a phone for safety which becomes a blurred point if they're not allowed one once they start to become independent.

Someone did this on our parent WhatsApp group. Honestly - I found it irritating and a bit holier than thou. It’s one of those decisions that people make for their own kids, depending on what stage that child is at (are they doing things independently), what family life is like, whether there are older siblings who have one etc etc. “I’ve read this and so you should all do the same as me” (which is basically it) just comes across as rather tiresome.

You can’t try to control what other parents do. You just need to decide what your phone policy is and stick to it. It isn’t that difficult. Most children don’t get them until Yr6/7, so don’t cave in until then. If you want to, you can put loads of controls on them to limit the time they spend on social media gaming apps etc. Never let them have them in their bedrooms at night (introducing this from the start will reduce phone issues massively) . Tell them to assume every message they send will be read by a parent or teacher (loads of parents do monitor their children’s messages even if their children aren’t aware of it). The main problem is them being shown something that disturbs them and that they don’t want to see, but this was a hazard even when no one had phones.

What about Xboxes or playstations or PC's, are you going to recommend what age other parents allow their children those? I would be avoiding you forever more if you posted that. If you don't want your child to have a phone, fine, explain your reasons to your child. Children do have to learn they can't always have the same as their friends.

I think it’s a great idea OP, and a friend in Ireland organised this with her DD’s class’s parents. However the UK is a much more individualistic society and unfortunately, as shown by this thread, you won’t get many takers in this country.

It would be so much better if people could hold off as a class/year group, and the mounting evidence about phones and kids is so stark, but there you go.

Umm …. It seemed like OP was making a suggestion or request? Rather than ‘telling others how to parent their children’.

It could cause the opposite effect with people being annoyed at another parent trying to dictate the way they parent, even if they weren't planning on getting a phone just yet.
It will also then alienate the ones who have already given their child a phone - you say some have.

I think you do what's right for your child and let other parents decide for themselves.

Dd got a phone in test 6 - it seemed to be the birthday present of choice as the children turned 11y, with some with later birthdays getting one at Christmas instead. Some got them in the summer holiday before year 6, in preparation for walking on their own.

And many didn't get new phones. Often it was a parents older phone - maybe a couple of years old so still a good quality smartphone just hit the latest model. So they wouldn't have wanted to be time it should only be a basic phone - for many it's cheaper to have a cycle of passing in an older parent's phone than buy by an alternative. Plus many like the parental control features in a smartphone,, as well as apps like 'find my iPhone' and being able to link accounts more easily if all same make.

Fwiw Dd had a phone at age 11. She's now 21 and we've had no issues from phone and app use. We were very strict with no phones at bedtime, phones left charging downstairs, having full access to the phone and all apps and passwords, but being able to download even free apps without permission (had to be password approved by a parent on their phone) and very restricted when it came to social media for the first years. We went down a supervised, regulated approach with lots of online safety guidance at home.

Dunno, this line seems quite expectant

just want some solidarity from other parents - takes a village to raise a child and all that!

You can definitely ask. I reckon there'll be people who agree with you and are prepared to say so, people who are on the fence, people who vociferously disagree because "my kid my rulez". There'll be more who probably agree but won't say so because they don't want to make a fuss/be seen as taking sides.

Both my dc got phones in the last term of year 6 btw, so they could get contact details for mates off to different schools chiefly. That was the case for the majority of their cohort.

Mine won’t be having one until his 11th birthday which is the month before he starts secondary

however our head has had all kind of issues with parents from his decision to ban phones in year 6.

so don’t do it if you don’t want to fall oif with other parents! By all means start a “what do you reckon” debate. But it’s quite a personal thing

It seemed like OP was making a suggestion or request? Rather than ‘telling others how to parent their children’.

A suggestion/request in that context (wide group of other parents) is “shall we all chip in £x for a present for Mrs Jones?” or “would everyone mind checking if they have Susan’s coat as we can’t find it anywhere?”. Things like “don’t give your child a phone as here’s a piece of research which shows it’s awful to do so” is basically pushing an opinion on parenting onto others and carries a connotation of “and I’ll think you’re a dreadful parent if you do”. (Not saying that’s the OP’s intention, of course - just that is how it may be judged by a group of others who don’t necessarily know her and share such opinions.)

I think parents get so defensive over their choices (as some may know they have given in just because of peer pressure) that this will need to be delivered very tactfully.

It may come across as you just don't want to say no to your child and want other people to help sort that out by not giving theirs one.

Personally, i would love it. I think mobile phones and screens are the most damaging things to our children (when not managed correctly) on current times.
The number of parents in our group that say they send their kids to their room or somewhere with an ipad, phone, or smart TV just to get 5 mins peace. They are using them daily on you tube, even worse, some are unsupervised, and ours are only 5/6 years old.

Yep, same I'm afraid. Maybe opening a discussion and asking for opinions would be a better way to approach it.

Fwiw, my ds got a phone in year 6. I found it helpful because it takes them a while to get their head around some of the etiquette, and I knew all of his friends and their parents so could keep an eye more easily and intervene if necessary (e.g. when there was a kid in his class chucking insults around on WhatsApp I knew who it was). Now he's in secondary school I haven't got a clue who half the kids are, let alone their parents.

How did the thing in Ireland work? Who instigated it? I feel like a scheme instigated by the council or school might work. Eg if school send a letter home “help us keep childhood phone free”- asking parents of younger primary to sign up to not providing their child with a phone until x year and explaining the potentia
harm might work.

I don’t think a parent sending a WhatsApp will work. I think it’ll get people’s backs up. Maybe you could suggest the school send something home?

It seems from pps reactions on here that a suggestion like this on the parents WhatsApp would be risky and wouldn’t go down well. You may just have to stick to your own guns OP and explain to your child that just because some of their friends are having a phone you think it’s best for your DC to get one later.

Giving dd a phone in 6 has been a better decision for us than I thought it would be.

She's young enough that she doesn't question me checking it over often. I know all her classmates and their parents, so if one of us sees something the parent should know about we can talk to each other.

She's learning all the phone etiquette before she goes off to a pool of 200 new schoolfriends. The class all started playing out in year 6 so was easier to plan that/ plan friends coming over etc.

She walks home from school but never took her phone to school as its a 10min walk and she can hardly stop and make a call if she's about to be abducted or gers run over!

tiggergoesbounce
I agree with you.

In moderation and used sparingly in an age-appropriate way, I've no issue with screens. My DC have screen time on the telly. They don't have their own devices and I don't give them mine to use on their own.

What depresses me on here, on other threads, is how often posters will argue their KS2 child needs a phone because the other children do, their child will be left out if they can't sit in group chats, their child will never have a play date unless they give them a phone, parents who don't give their KS2 children phones aren't preparing them for the world, that children need their own phone to learn internet safety, etc.

I also find it funny that tech companies spend millions making devices to keep adults hooked, apps to keep your attention, but the parents who hand devices to their children seem to think their 8 year olds are more intellectually advance than most adults and the whole tech industry 🤣

I was planning to give our child one in year 6 too. For the same reasons I want a year to get some decent boudaries /sensible phone use expectations before secondary.

As a separated parent who's child has had a phone since year 5 to facilitate contact with the other parent I would find you insulting, my child my choice.

I would absolutely not agree. My son used to walk home alone in year 5 and 6 and often decided he wanted to go to the park with a friend- everyone did this, it was literally next to the school. Or sometimes go to a friend’s house last minute. I wanted him to tell me where he was and I wanted to be able to call him. There were times where he would forget his phone and I would have to go and look for him because I worked in the evening and he had not come home.

Kids under 11 don't need Smartphones with internet access IMO.

A Doro or other cheap pay-as-you-go is good enough in case of emergency.

I have to say... I would find it very ironic getting a message about children on social media and the harm via social media...