5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

@Marchitectmummy

Sorry but you are being totally unreasonable, no they shouldn't push your child into it. They tried he didn't want to thry tried again still didn't want to that's fair.

And as for using his own joke etc, of they allow him they need to allow everyone the same opportunity and they can't.

You mean well but your view is polarised, the school are right.

This. Putting on assemblies is extremely hard work for staff and many children find it difficult. It sounds like the teachers tried their best to get your ds on board but they can't prioritise him over an entire class.

Your issue with him not being able to change his joke is very telling.
Should every child be entitled to change the part or lines they have been given? I'm sorry but you were being totally unreasonable and I feel sorry for his teacher having to deal with your complaints!
Have you any idea how much thought we put into these productions?!!

I only read your posts and can see exactly where you are coming from but as a parent who is a few years down the line I hope I can help a bit.

When Ds was younger I was desperate for him to be included in everything like normal, but after a few tough experiences I realised that was more about me than what was best for him. We started off by removing pressure for him him to take part in things like this and eventually it was decided it was in his best interest not to take part.

Such events and the level of expectations can add so much pressure for children with additional needs, add to that the sensory overload and it can be so tough. Perhaps for any future events try to plan with school for him to aim to just come in for his part and then leave? See if that helps?

I understand your disappointment but I also see it from school's pov. I was a TA and an upset child would have taken away from the others and been a huge distraction. He is the most important person there, for you, but not everyone else. Also, would it be good for him to have everyone looking at him? An assembly is a team effort and the needs of one do not trump needs of all.

Your ds did not want to do it. The school will not force him in tears to participate so that you can see him do it. You are being ridiculous. He had a part. He was given the opportunity twice and chose not to. I am honestly at a loss as to what you are upset about. Fwiw I have two dc with severe and who have missed countless assemblies before I am told that I don't know how upsetting it is.

As a mum of a child with SEN, my daughter hates school events where she has to get up in assembly or in front of people and large crowds. She much prefers to sit in a quiet space doing a quiet activity and has even stayed at home with me and gone into school later on when there has been a big assembly in the morning. If he was happy to stay and draw in the classroom then just be happy that he was able to do that and wasn’t forced to go into a situation he found upsetting. I don’t think the teacher did anything wrong and I really think you overreacted by crying at the school pick up.

But he was too upset to go on - I’d be more upset if they forced him on. I think they did the right thing in a difficult situation

@lborgia

I have spent 5 years trying to explain to teachers that pushing my son to do something is going to distress him. They might not see it, but it builds up. If only all teachers listened to children, the world be a much happier place.

The idea that your child should be made to do something because you were upset baffles me.

If he didn't want to go in because he couldn't tell his unfunny joke, then that's how it is. He was happy colouring.

Please listen to what your child is saying to you, not make him fit your expectations.

Oh, and if "words were said" and you can't remember what, that's a bit concerning.

With absolute kindness OP, this. ^^

I have a 5yo DS with SEN. Sensory processing , anxiety and likely but undiagnosed ASD. He finds school incredibly stressful and overwhelming daily.

Part of my job, and his teacher's job, is to instill resilience for the things he finds difficult.

But being forced into a hall to perform in front of parents when he was already distressed and refusing would be awful, for me and for him. It would also have ruined it for the 29 or so other children and their parents and made the teachers and TAs stress levels insanely high.

Your DSs teacher responded to his needs. He chose not to join in, being happier where he was, and that's fine. It's sad you didn't get to see him perform, but, with absolute gentleness, I think you're being unreasonable in your reaction.

Op
I know you from another thread

On the kindest possible way - you have too much time on your hands. Two children both at school full time and you don’t work. This is giving someone like you - who on all the threads you have started seems to clearly suffer from anxiety to some degree - too much time to navel gaze and focus on things like this and perceived injustices

Study / work - something
That’s what you need

I have a 6yo with SEN and it’s bloody hard sometimes. I often come home after parties and have a little cry, because it’s things like that that show that our children are ‘different’. And in we don’t live in a world where ‘different’ is always welcomed, sad to say.

I think that once the emotions pass, you’ll be able to focus more on the positives - the school tried to manage the situation sensitively, and your DS wrote a joke himself, which is awesome! It might be worth trying to get a meeting with the SENCO to talk generally about support and communication - we have a home-school book which lives in DS’s school bag. The class TA writes a little message every day about how DS’s day has gone, and we put notes in about how the weekend has gone and what he’s been up to. It helps everything feel a bit more joined up. We try to have a meeting every half term to make sure everything is ticking along smoothly as well. It helps.

I think you need to look at what’s going underneath all of this. It sounds like you’re afraid and that the joke / assembly was a representation of something massive for you, friendship, inclusion, togetherness, normality etc etc.

When you strip this down he still has the same capabilities, the same lovely parents and the same opportunities.

It sounds like you’re coming from a place of total fear. I get it, I can imagine you worrying about everything. His future, his friendships, how his life will be. I feel like I’m waffling, sorry.

I get how you feel, I really do but I think this is all a reflection of you and your feelings and that is where the work is. Maybe acceptance that there will be good and bad days and taking things how they really are in that moment will help. Breathing and just being. Give yourself a break

Why do you think forcing your son in to a situation he obviously found stressful would benefit him!? The school did the right thing. The teacher has all the other children to consider. Your child is just one of many.
Crying is just way over the top.
Calling posters bitches because they pointed this out to you is not a good look!

And if the teacher had “made” hun go to the assembly rather than stay with the TA as he had wanted, they’d have been wrong.

Teaching staff can’t win

@TeddybearBaby

I think you need to look at what’s going underneath all of this. It sounds like you’re afraid and that the joke / assembly was a representation of something massive for you, friendship, inclusion, togetherness, normality etc etc.

When you strip this down he still has the same capabilities, the same lovely parents and the same opportunities.

It sounds like you’re coming from a place of total fear. I get it, I can imagine you worrying about everything. His future, his friendships, how his life will be. I feel like I’m waffling, sorry.

I get how you feel, I really do but I think this is all a reflection of you and your feelings and that is where the work is. Maybe acceptance that there will be good and bad days and taking things how they really are in that moment will help. Breathing and just being. Give yourself a break

Ah that sounds so right.

@SecretKeeper1

I don’t understand why either a teacher didn’t come and fetch you to reassure him, or why you didn’t just leave the hall to speak to office staff.

I wouldn’t have just sat there for an hour being upset/worried/angry and watching other peoples children.

Most likely because they were managing 29 other children all aged 5/6, all doing their first class assembly, all performing in front of a hall full of adults for the very first time.

They knew the OP's child was safe with the TA and settling. They popped out briefly to check in the child and gave them the option to rejoin.

Whilst ideally the teacher could have let the OP know, the reality is these class assemblies can be really stressful, especially for the first time with children who have never had their parents in to watch before. I suspect you're underestimating how much organising these things can take.

I'm sorry you was upset. But I don't think the school done anything wrong.

I wounder how you would have felt if they had made him go into assembly then you saw him crying and distressed about being there ? You would have then been upset about them taking him into assembly when he's so upset?

M child has autism and he often gets upset or scared ect. If he's to stressed about something he's not made to do it . If he becomes upset then he's removed from the situation.

I think maybe they could have let you know what had happened rather than leaving you looking for your child expecting to see him.

The way you behave and react is not helpful to your son. You make things worse but making everything about you. The class teacher/TA have done everything for your son to join the assembly but he couldn’t because he’s not ready YET. Having a big cry/breakdown in front of everyone doesn’t help your child to grow in confidence. They allowed him not to participate because it was best for him at that point. And even if your son is retrospectively sad because it didn’t happen, one step at a time he will learn and join later on. So many children with no SEN find it difficult to adjust to the school life and teachers make adjustments for them too. For example, some children just can’t perform/having a line in the school Christmas play and as sad as it is, if a child says NO or getting upset with the thought of performing in front of everyone, so you want the staff to FORCE children to do it?

So little empathy here. Really the advice to try walking in someone else’s shoes has never been more apt. I don’t think many people really understand what it is like day in day out to parent a child with SEN, knowing that child may never ever be independent of you.

I think so many of these misunderstandings could be avoided it teachers had specific training on how to communicate with parents of children with SEN. I know some schools are amazing at it - I used to do a project with one. But many are not.

OP, you’ll have to trust that his teacher made the right call here. She had originally agreed that he would read his first joke, that was the plan. That was his piece. You said that your son changed the joke that morning, and and the teacher didn’t agree to it. That is perfectly understandable of her - can you imagine if other children overheard, and they too wanted to change their lines, how massively unfair that would be, and how stressful for the teacher. You also admitted that the second joke wasn’t funny. Perhaps she was protecting him by not allowing him say it, can you imagine how hurt he or you would feel if the audience didn’t laugh? The first joke was funny and made sense.

If your son was extremely distressed and couldn’t be calmed down, I think it was the correct decision that be stay and draw with the TA. It would have been much more upsetting for you if he was saying his piece and you could see that he had been crying.

What kind of "words were said" OP?

Did you get angry with the teacher (and in front of your child)? Because that would simply be wrong and counter productive in many ways. If you did, I think you owe her an apology. She didn't deserve that.
When a child has additional needs, it's vital that parent and teacher work together positively.

Words were said I can't fully remember what now

@lambran It's really not OK to be aggressive to the teacher because you were disappointed. This is their place of work. You need to apologise.

You can empathise with someone whilst also helping them realise that in hindsight they where wrong both with their reading of the situation and how they handled it. Many of us fully understand how hard that situation is when your child isn’t able to take part like their peers but it’s also important to acknowledge that most of that is about our feelings as parents rather than the child.

A staff member talking to her at the time may have been most ideal but the staff where sorting children ready for the assembly, one member of support staff was already calming her son and making sure he was happy which was the main priority. From the OPs later reaction they may also have been aware that bringing her into the situation at that point may have inflamed it more when they had control.

@MissHavershamReturns totally agree, there needs to be so much more sen understanding/training from teachers and TA's ( a post further down from a previous TA indicates how clueless they are about sen children).

@MissHavershamReturns it's not that we don't know how to communicate, it's that we don't have time.
There's this presumption that OP's child is the only one with SEND and that all the other children have no needs. This is highly unlikely.
In my class alone there are SIX children with identified needs with me (teacher) and a part time TA. Until recently I didn't even have a TA some days so I was managing everything single handed.
So please, as well as empathy for the OP, let's show some empathy for underpaid and overworked school staff.

I understand your disappointment but I also see it from school's pov. I was a TA and an upset child would have taken away from the others and been a huge distraction. He is the most important person there, for you, but not everyone else. Also, would it be good for him to have everyone looking at him? An assembly is a team effort and the needs of one do not trump needs of all.

A TA with zero understanding of Sen by the sound of it.

[quote Macaroni46]@MissHavershamReturns it's not that we don't know how to communicate, it's that we don't have time.
There's this presumption that OP's child is the only one with SEND and that all the other children have no needs. This is highly unlikely.
In my class alone there are SIX children with identified needs with me (teacher) and a part time TA. Until recently I didn't even have a TA some days so I was managing everything single handed.
So please, as well as empathy for the OP, let's show some empathy for underpaid and overworked school staff. [/quote]
Absolutely agree with this.